Dear Angel,
I don't know if I'll ever send this letter. I just had to write it. Had to get it out on to paper. Even if this makes it more true. All my friends and family, even Spike, they all think they know the truth. They have no idea what the truth is. I finally let go of some of it. They wouldn't be able to handle it all. It would hurt too much to share with them. Right now I can't even share it with you. Especially you.
They All thought I was depressed because they tore me out of heaven. That was only part of it. If it was only that I would have been fine in a few weeks. It was so much more then that. They wouldn't believe me if I told them.
The moment that I came back it was like I was reliving my whole life. I remembered all of it. I went through every single moment in seconds. Before I took my first breath of air. It slammed into me. It was so much, over twenty years of my life. I remembered things I didn't know I forgot.
Then I took my first breath of air and looked around. I was inside of a coffin. Buried alive, I was terrified. Is that a vampires first moments? I tore myself out and forgot all my memories. I just ran, there was monsters everywhere. I thought I was in hell. Dawn brought me back down to earth, and we fixed the monster thing. They found out the Slayer was back and ran.
Late at night I was back in my old bed. Surrounded by all my things. Nothing but the Buffy robot had been around them for weeks. I was gone months, replaced with a robot. I couldn't sleep so many thoughts running through my mind. But I didn't know why. Finally after nights and nights of restlessness I remembered.
Angel, I remembered it all.
Our lost day. Something happened when I was brought back to life. The powers that be weren't involved. They didn't have a chance to hide it again. To keep me from knowing the truth.
Once I knew it hurt more then I could bear. I don't understand how you could give it all up. You were human. I felt your heart beat, I saw you breathe. I know it was real, I just know it. We could have been happy, you know it.
You said you wanted to protect me. Keep me alive because you love me so much. We don't even talk now. I know when you heard I died you went on a journey for months. Do you live with the same pain I do? Every single day? Knowing what could have been. No what should have been?
I will never love someone the way I love you Angel. That was the best day of my entire life, you took it away from me. I knew I'd remember somehow. I felt so sure I would know. I do now. I know the truth. We could have been together.
I could have protect you. Or Willow could have done a spell. There were so many things. You always worried too much about me. Never enough about yourself. If you would have just let us be together, we could have protected each other.
These thoughts spin through my mind every single do. And I wonder if they spin through yours. I tried to hide from them. I did bad things. Stupid things. Anything to make them go away. I nearly lost myself. I tried to hurt myself.
I tried to hide myself in Spike's arms. It didn't work. He wasn't you. He could never be you. No one could. I thought I could replace you but it didn't work. That one day brought so much back. All the good moments and the bad.
I wish I had one more day with you. You promised me I could, that we'd have another day. Part of me hates you for that. But how can I hate you when you gave me what I wanted for so long? A chance to feel like a normal girl, with her normal boyfriend. For a day we were normal. And I wish I had it back. Even just one more day with you.
Now I know that day happened, it can never be taken back. I don't want it to. It hurts but it helps me to remember. I know you remember too. We didn't have enough time, we never did. It was too short. If I could do it all over again I would have stayed up all night with you like I wanted. Then so much of what happened wouldn't have happened.
Maybe you were right and one of us would be dead. I died anyway didn't I? A girl can only be brought back to life so many times. Even though we don't talk I can still feel you sometimes. It's good to know you're still here alive.
You are so much stronger and braver then me. I wish I could be like you. You lived with it for so many days. You never said anything. I remembered when it changed back, I was so cold. How could you stand it? I always knew you were strong, to live with what the demon in you did. No one could be as strong as you. Not even the Slayer.
When I came back from death and you heard. I had to see you immediately. I thought maybe you knew. That you could feel it. You didn't say anything about it. You just held me all night long. We cried together and we kissed. It felt so good to be in your arms again. Even though it hurt.
That lost day kept playing over and over on repeat in my mind. I tried to make it stop but it wouldn't. That day meant more to me then you'll ever know. Maybe it was on your mind too. I couldn't bring it up then. It was too fresh, it was like it just happened. I was scared that if we talked about it I wouldn't be able to leave. That just made me cry more. I didn't want to make you sad like me.
I went home and I had that burden on my shoulders for days. I try not to think about it so much now. I will always remember. Even if I live to be 106, I'll remember. I hope by then we could talk about it. Or I'll at least send this.
You never made me weaker Angel, you made me stronger. As strong as you. I will always love you. Maybe one day you'll be human again and we can be together. Like we should have been. For now, I'm in Sunnydale and you're in LA. We're worlds apart. You're with me always.
I know that when we talk the time melts away and it's like it's always been. Whenever we're together it feels the same. Since the first day I met you. I know you felt it too. We're connected to each other. You once asked me if I was still your girl. I said always, and I meant it. That will never change. You should know that much about me.
We had one beautiful, normal day together. It can't be erased and I don't want it to be. It shows that maybe we could have that someday. It's not all pain and death and evil. There are good moments too. Still it haunts me, the maybes. Knowing it could all be different.
I still see you in my future. I can't help it. You're always there when I need you. Even when I don't know I need you, you're there. The one person I can really count on. But I can't see you every day. I can't even talk to you face to face about this. And I want to so bad. I loved you so much, and I killed you. You loved me and you turned back our day. We deserve happiness, after all we've been through. And after all we've been through, I'm still yours. Even death couldn't stop that. I love you until the end of the world.
Still yours,
Buffy
I don't know if I'll ever send this letter. I just had to write it. Had to get it out on to paper. Even if this makes it more true. All my friends and family, even Spike, they all think they know the truth. They have no idea what the truth is. I finally let go of some of it. They wouldn't be able to handle it all. It would hurt too much to share with them. Right now I can't even share it with you. Especially you.
They All thought I was depressed because they tore me out of heaven. That was only part of it. If it was only that I would have been fine in a few weeks. It was so much more then that. They wouldn't believe me if I told them.
The moment that I came back it was like I was reliving my whole life. I remembered all of it. I went through every single moment in seconds. Before I took my first breath of air. It slammed into me. It was so much, over twenty years of my life. I remembered things I didn't know I forgot.
Then I took my first breath of air and looked around. I was inside of a coffin. Buried alive, I was terrified. Is that a vampires first moments? I tore myself out and forgot all my memories. I just ran, there was monsters everywhere. I thought I was in hell. Dawn brought me back down to earth, and we fixed the monster thing. They found out the Slayer was back and ran.
Late at night I was back in my old bed. Surrounded by all my things. Nothing but the Buffy robot had been around them for weeks. I was gone months, replaced with a robot. I couldn't sleep so many thoughts running through my mind. But I didn't know why. Finally after nights and nights of restlessness I remembered.
Angel, I remembered it all.
Our lost day. Something happened when I was brought back to life. The powers that be weren't involved. They didn't have a chance to hide it again. To keep me from knowing the truth.
Once I knew it hurt more then I could bear. I don't understand how you could give it all up. You were human. I felt your heart beat, I saw you breathe. I know it was real, I just know it. We could have been happy, you know it.
You said you wanted to protect me. Keep me alive because you love me so much. We don't even talk now. I know when you heard I died you went on a journey for months. Do you live with the same pain I do? Every single day? Knowing what could have been. No what should have been?
I will never love someone the way I love you Angel. That was the best day of my entire life, you took it away from me. I knew I'd remember somehow. I felt so sure I would know. I do now. I know the truth. We could have been together.
I could have protect you. Or Willow could have done a spell. There were so many things. You always worried too much about me. Never enough about yourself. If you would have just let us be together, we could have protected each other.
These thoughts spin through my mind every single do. And I wonder if they spin through yours. I tried to hide from them. I did bad things. Stupid things. Anything to make them go away. I nearly lost myself. I tried to hurt myself.
I tried to hide myself in Spike's arms. It didn't work. He wasn't you. He could never be you. No one could. I thought I could replace you but it didn't work. That one day brought so much back. All the good moments and the bad.
I wish I had one more day with you. You promised me I could, that we'd have another day. Part of me hates you for that. But how can I hate you when you gave me what I wanted for so long? A chance to feel like a normal girl, with her normal boyfriend. For a day we were normal. And I wish I had it back. Even just one more day with you.
Now I know that day happened, it can never be taken back. I don't want it to. It hurts but it helps me to remember. I know you remember too. We didn't have enough time, we never did. It was too short. If I could do it all over again I would have stayed up all night with you like I wanted. Then so much of what happened wouldn't have happened.
Maybe you were right and one of us would be dead. I died anyway didn't I? A girl can only be brought back to life so many times. Even though we don't talk I can still feel you sometimes. It's good to know you're still here alive.
You are so much stronger and braver then me. I wish I could be like you. You lived with it for so many days. You never said anything. I remembered when it changed back, I was so cold. How could you stand it? I always knew you were strong, to live with what the demon in you did. No one could be as strong as you. Not even the Slayer.
When I came back from death and you heard. I had to see you immediately. I thought maybe you knew. That you could feel it. You didn't say anything about it. You just held me all night long. We cried together and we kissed. It felt so good to be in your arms again. Even though it hurt.
That lost day kept playing over and over on repeat in my mind. I tried to make it stop but it wouldn't. That day meant more to me then you'll ever know. Maybe it was on your mind too. I couldn't bring it up then. It was too fresh, it was like it just happened. I was scared that if we talked about it I wouldn't be able to leave. That just made me cry more. I didn't want to make you sad like me.
I went home and I had that burden on my shoulders for days. I try not to think about it so much now. I will always remember. Even if I live to be 106, I'll remember. I hope by then we could talk about it. Or I'll at least send this.
You never made me weaker Angel, you made me stronger. As strong as you. I will always love you. Maybe one day you'll be human again and we can be together. Like we should have been. For now, I'm in Sunnydale and you're in LA. We're worlds apart. You're with me always.
I know that when we talk the time melts away and it's like it's always been. Whenever we're together it feels the same. Since the first day I met you. I know you felt it too. We're connected to each other. You once asked me if I was still your girl. I said always, and I meant it. That will never change. You should know that much about me.
We had one beautiful, normal day together. It can't be erased and I don't want it to be. It shows that maybe we could have that someday. It's not all pain and death and evil. There are good moments too. Still it haunts me, the maybes. Knowing it could all be different.
I still see you in my future. I can't help it. You're always there when I need you. Even when I don't know I need you, you're there. The one person I can really count on. But I can't see you every day. I can't even talk to you face to face about this. And I want to so bad. I loved you so much, and I killed you. You loved me and you turned back our day. We deserve happiness, after all we've been through. And after all we've been through, I'm still yours. Even death couldn't stop that. I love you until the end of the world.
Still yours,
Buffy