Prologue

„Heya" said Johnny with a tone of voice saying „I'm cool. You guessed correctly. I'm cool. Nothing more to add. And you know it. Babe. And that's also cool. Just like me." He slurped his milkshake, threw the cup to a recycling bin and asked „Whatcha doin'?"

„Buildin' a time warp." answered Batman with a gloomy voice. „Bat-time warp." he added.

„Cool. That's cool." Johnny nodded his head slurping another milkshake. And he did slurped it in a cool kind of way. „What for?"

„So I could go back in time and bitch slap Superman's parents so they would never send him to Earth." bat-answered Bruce. Some of the oil from a bat-engine splashed on his bare chest.

„Cool. That's cool." said Johnny putting away his milkshake. „You wanna make out?"

„Totally."

„Bat-totally?" asked Johnny with a kinky glitter in his eye as Bruce drew near.

„Don't push it, scissor-boy."

He grabbed him and hold tight, looking in his big, depp eyes. Then he pushed him on the wall. But it wasn't a normal push of a lover. It was a bat-push. That's what you get when your lover is a bat, girls. Or boys. Anyway, he bat-pushed him on the bat-wall and stuck his bat-tongue in Johnny's - for the next few minutes - bat-filled mouth. (If you haven't thrown up yet, I admire you. Go on with the reading.)

„Juicy..." whispered Johnny with a sexy voice, keeping his coolness. He was too cool not to be cool. Even in this situation.

„Bat-juicy, babe." whispered Bruce.

Johnny pushed him away. „We agreed" he'd shout, if he wasn't cool. Instead of shouting he simply said with his depp voice „We agreed that you won't call me babe!"

„I still can't understand why you're making such a fuss out of this." Bruce shrugged his shoulders. „What's wrong with being a babe?"

„It's...it's sassy" he answered blushing. I mean, blushing in a cool way. But still – blushing.

„Oh, c'mon, big boy. You know you ain't sassy at all. You're tough. Almost bat-tough." said Bruce trying to hold him.

„Oh, go fuck yourself with your bat-shit." Johnny pushed him away and this time it was in a not cool kind of way. „You always freakin' bat-do this or do bat-that. I'm tired of this crap!" he almost shouted. „I'm tired, Bruce." he added much quietly.

„...bat-tired?"

„That's it. I'm outta here."

„Johnny..." shouted Bruce but Johnny had already shut the door. „Damn." he said sadly. „Bat-damn" he chuckled after a moment and went back to building his time warp.

I Bat-bitch.

„Master Bruce, master Robin on the phone" said Alfred.

„Thank you, Alfred. Oh, by the way...I've been always wondering... how old are you?"

„Eighty three."

„...how long have you been eighty three?"

„A while."

They starred at each other feeling...something. But then they heard Robin's voice on a phone.

„I have to take this, Alfred."

„I know, master Bruce." he said „...and so the lion..." he added quietly.

„What was it, Alfred?"

„Nothing, master Bruce."

„I thought so."

„I'm not scared of you."

„Well, you really shouldn't have said that."

„Why...?"

„I honestly have no idea." answered Bruce after a long pause. „Ok, screw that, lemme talk to the bat-bitch."

„Hey, I've heard that one!" they heard Robin's voice.

„Ok, ok, sorry for that" said Batman. He looked at Alfred and moved his lips as if he was saying „bitchin, bitchin, bitchin". Old butler laughed and went back to his job. And I honestly have no idea what was his job. Cleaning up the whole place I guess. Old grampa cleaning up the whole mansion. Great.

But I digest.

„What's up, Robin?"

„Pretty good, pretty good."

„So...what's that that you want 'cause I'm kinda busy right now..."

„Oh, sure, you're always busy. Don't you remember? That's why I left. Aqualad has always time for me."

„Whenever he's not solving crimes of the sea world. Who killed that dolphin? Was the killer whale involved? And the biggest of all the mysteries – penguins. Birds or maybe fucked-up fish?"

„Oh, ha-ha-ha. Very funny. Or should I say – bat-funny? You're sooo predictable." he said and after a little pause added „Oh, you ain't cryin' there, are you?"

„Nah, just ordering all my tank ships to pollute the waters. There's a lot of oil, you know? Oh, whoops! I touched the red button and...oh...I guess aqua-pussy won't be home for dinner."

„Oh, fuck you! You're a total asshole! No wonder Johnny left you!"

„...wait, how did you know about that?"

„Oh, you know, he phoned me a few hours ago, saying that you're a total asshole. And generally that's why I'm calling you right now 'cause in the middle of our conversation, while he was telling me about his favourite recipes, he suddenly stopped talking. I heard a fight and a maniacal laugh..." Robin kept on talking but Bruce was already on his way. Only two thousand of villains had maniacal laughs. He was sure that Johnny was kidnapped by one of them.

But Robin didn't know that Batman was gone and so he kept on talking. „And after the fight I heard them talking where they were going to keep him, you know, I wrote down the address and it's...Batman? Batman? Oh fuck you very much! Asshole." and after saying that Robin hung up.

II Lair of the bad guy.

Lairs of the bad guys are easy to recognize. They all have a window in a roof. But by the time Batman got there, the window was already smashed...

„WHAT. THE. FUCK?!" he asked the world in general. „Someone's totally fuckin' with the convention and..." he stopped talking. There was someone behind him. The spider-senses that he surgically cut out of Spiderman's brain last year were great. But he called them bat-senses.

Anyway, they sensed something dangerous behind him.

„Put your hands up so we can see them!" he heard a voice of a... thug.

Batman slowly turned around. There were only two of them. They didn't seem that dangerous.

„Spiderman's a pussy" he said facepalming.

„Keep your hands so we can see them!"

„See this!" he shouted, jumped and beat the shit out of them. Yea. 'cause that's what Batman does with bad guys.

And then he jumped through the window into the building.

„Who the FUCK broke that window before me?!" he shouted seeing a whole bunch of bad guys surrounding a throne on which somebody was sitting. Somebody evil, he guessed.

„Oh, poor batty." he heard a voice.

„Riddler" he recognized that voice.

„That's me! And here's a riddle for you, batty... who likes to sit around doing nothing, but is always full and when it comes to fighting is angry like a bull?"

Batman thought for a while, considered all the possible answers and then guessed:

„...yo mama?"

There was silence. Nobody said no word.

Silence filled the room.

After a long pause Riddler sighed and said:

„Bring in our bait. You know, bat, it used to be so much fun to give you those riddles and shit. Ehh. But I guess that times indeed change, people change."

Some of the thugs pushed into the room a cage with Johnny inside.

„Now!" shouted Riddler regaining his vigour „Batman! Watch as your precious lover begs for his life! Beg, Johnny! Beg for your life!!!"

After a long pause when everyone was waiting for Johnny to say something, one of the thugs said: „Umm...boss?"

„Yes? Yes?"

„I don't think he's gonna beg for his life, boss."

„Why? Why is that?"

„I think he's too cool to do that."

„He's what?"
„He's too cool. To beg for life."

„Oh. Oh...hmm...maybe somebody else would beg for his life then? Anyone? Come on, come on, don't be shy."

„Well, I can try, boss" volunteered one of the thugs.

„Okay, go on, go on."

„Umm... don't kill him, boss?"

„Ha-ha! Why shouldn't I?!"

„I kinda liked him in Pirates of Caribbeans?"

„Oh..."

„And he was great in Dead Man." said another thug.

„Yea, and in Fear and Loathing..., your remember that?" said Riddler.

„With Benicio del Toro, right? Pretty good movie, I must say. And we can't forget about Corpse Bride and Sweeney Todd." added another thug.

„Yea...but I kinda preferred Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka over him. I don't know why, I just did."

„Well, maybe...but anyway – Johnny's pretty good, isn't he?"

„Sure thing. And we can't forget the Blow."

„Yea, yea, but I was kinda depressed when I heard that he wasn't the one singing in Cry-baby."

„Who was it?"

„James Intveld."

„James who?"
„Intveld. I-n-t-v-e-l-d."

„Never heard of him."

„Me neither."

There was a long pause in the conversation. But then:

„But he did a pretty good job, didn't he?"

„Yea, he surely did."
„You just have to admit that he sings pretty well..."

„Ok, ok, boys, we digest again!" shouted Riddler „We talked about it, right? Villain stuff first, then the cultural stuff. We have to keep the order, right?"

„Right, boss!" everyone answered and smiled.

„So. Johnny" begin Riddler „Well, pretty much you can go. I'm actually a big fan. So you're free. Open the cage, somebody."

They opened the cage. Johnny looked around and said:

„Cool."

„But it's not over yet! We still have our main-bat-dish!" laughed Riddler and turned around to see that Batman was already gone. „Fuck." he summed up the last few minutes of his life. „Ah, screw this. Let's go watch movies or somethin'. I don't care any longer. Maybe I'll become a doctor...?"

And at the same time Batman was already at the Wayne's Mansion, filled with joy 'cause once again Gotham was safe. And he had his bad-bat-boy back.

„Bad-bat-boy? Well, you can definitely call me that!" said Johnny and smiled. In a cool way. And everyone was happy.

For now.