A one-shot of the Cruel and Unusual Pairings challenge on xoxLewrahxox's forum, inspired by a discussion in the "Shipping Meme" thread.
OMFG, this is possibly the most twisted and revolting thing I've ever written. Dedicated to Erika, since not only did she run the challenge, but I found out on the thread that SHE had been the one to put "Filch/Mrs Norris" out there. Thanks, love – you polluted my mind for the next few hours. Have fun with Aberforth/goat. Regards.
Cruel and Unusual Pairings
There are some strange pairings out there, and then there are some which can only be described as "cruel and unusual." Squiddledore. Winky/Mr. Courch. Bloody Baron/Peeves. Your challenge is to write one of these cruel and unusual pairings, and to write it as seriously as you can.
"Meow."
Argus Filch shook his head slowly, leaning against the wall of his shabby personal quarters. "Coming, coming, m'dear," he groaned, straightening up painfully and taking a few steps forward.
She stared up at him with sad, lamp-like eyes glowing with a warmth he had scarcely ever seen on human faces. With a tired sigh, he reached down and patted her little head sadly.
"You miss her too, my sweet? Oh God, how we're going to miss her."
He limped over to the table, pausing as a soft, tiny sound of protest was heard from behind him. "I know, sweet. I know you're hungry, love, I'll bring you that right away."
Pouring water into the dusty kettle, he waved a hand in her direction as she approached impatiently.
"All right, all right, two minutes. You do want to share a cosy little moment with your old friend, don't you?"
Pulling a full plate from his "special chest" with a scowl (Tired of the endless conservation spell? Weary of eating some cursed food? Trustworthy with its frosty bubble, the Freezy-Chest saves you the trouble!), Argus set it on the table and clicked his tongue. "Now, just you wait till my tea is ready."
Settling in his favourite armchair, he pulled his best friend on his lap wearily.
"Ah," he sighed, "it was really, really too perfect. Terrible with the brats, she was. At least someone knew how to handle the vermin, at the top of this school."
He stroked his lady friend slowly, staring into her eyes. "Oh yes, you liked her. And she was just great with you." Once more he sighed. "But it's over, sweet. She's gone now, just you and me again."
He leaned his head back, stroking the hairy female less lightly now, pulling her closer on his lap, rubbing her against him. "Just you and me..."
He moaned quietly, in despair, perhaps, or perhaps not quite.
"Just you... and me... you... and me..."
The kettle, cracking and spluttering, covered the sounds of his abandon as he held his best, his only friend desperately close, intimately close, grief mixing with joy as they, once more, were reunited.
"Ha... Ha... Head-Headmistress!"
Argus' body arched and his eyes rolled back in his head, tears running down his wrinkled cheeks. Mrs Norris hissed against his hand and leaped back on the floor, job done.
"Now, now, we're impatient," he groaned, recovering.
Finally, he stood up, rearranging himself, and went to pour himself a cup of tea. Then he set the plate down on the floor.
"Here. That's a good little pussy." He sighed wistfully. "She loved pussies, Miss Dolores. Good woman, she was."