You Would Have Loved This

Disclaimer: I do not own anything connected to this show and I do not own the song, either. It is "You Would Have Loved This" by Tarja Turunen. It is beautiful!

Summary: Stella's thoughts on Christmas Day

The winter left her blanket
here this morning
A soft and gentle coverlet of white
Unfolded in the shadows of the dawn
It Sparked in the early morning light
You would have loved this
You would have loved this
This was your favorite time of day

I wake up with a start and stretch my arms while yawning contently. However, I pull my arms back under the cover quickly when I realize how cold it became during the night. Back under the pleasant warmth of my blankets I close my eyes again and savor this moment a little longer. It's still early in the morning and it feels so peaceful and quiet. Much quieter than normally and for a moment I, too, am peaceful and quiet and feel that everything is alright. But then I remember just like every morning that nothing is alright… and it never will be again.

I sigh and with this I restrain myself to get up. On my way to the kitchen to grab my coffee I stop in front of the large window of the living room and look out. It is beautiful. It seems that it was snowing all night and now the whole scenery is covered in fresh white snow.

It's still dark outside but the pale light of the Moon, which is reflected in the white snow, paints this whole picture in a wonderful shade of silver.

I smile to myself and my heart is aching. He would have loved this…

The greenery is laid across the mantle
And ornaments are hanging on the tree
And cradled in the windowsill's a candle
A beacon in the night
to call you back to me
You would have loved this
You always loved this
I know you loved this time of year

I find myself unable to continue my way to the kitchen. I'm just standing in front of the window and watching as slowly the snow begins to fall again. Time is passing quickly and soon I realize that the tracks which the cars left in the fresh snow during the night are covered again. I was so lost in my thoughts that I haven't even noticed that the last remnants of the night have already left. I see Mr Forrester cleaning the pavement and I can see the Christmas tree shining brightly from his window.

It's Christmas Day, I realize sadly and turn around to take a look at my living room. I smile a sad smile while take in my surroundings. There is a beautiful Christmas tree next to the fireplace and my whole room looks just like as if the occupants of this house were in the happy Christmas spirit. However, it's not the truth. There are no occupants in this house just me. Alone. And I feel everything but the warmth of the holiday.

Apparently the guys were well aware of that fact as they turned up in front of my door last night and insisted to spend the Christmas Eve in my miserable presence. They brought the tree and everything else. Even the happiness. Although it had left with them… and here I am thinking about how he loved this time of year.

And though I understand
One day again I'll see you
I long to touch your hand,
hear your voice, feel you
You would have loved this
You always loved this
Oh, how you loved.

Coffee forgotten I sit down on the sofa facing the Christmas tree. I find my tears falling but I don't bother wiping them away. They are flowing freely while my thoughts are wondering to such territories that they really shouldn't. I see Mac with my mind's eyes. I see him on our first Christmas. We had only known each other for a few months and I found him standing before my door awkwardly with a little box in his hands. This was the beginning of our unbreakable friendship. He was the only one who thought about me spending the holidays alone. Since then he always made sure to visit me on Christmas Eve, even if only for a few minutes. After all he had Claire that time. I was so grateful for his attention. After Claire's death we began to spend Christmas together. Now I was the one who made sure he didn't celebrate alone.

For so many years we spent the holidays together. It became a part of our lives. It became an excuse for us to spend time together. And now after those years I'm sitting here alone. Life is so unfair. That would have been our first real Christmas… our first Christmas as a married couple. He was looking forwards to it so much… I see his face in the park when it first snowed this year… Isn't it wonderful, Stella?... he loved the snow so much… I see him in one of the shops where he found a beautiful ornament for the tree… You see? It is just like you when you are smiling… I laughed at that… it is still in the closet… I close my eyes and feel him as he was standing behind me happily describing me where the tree would stand… Just imagine it! It'll be the perfect place for it… it was only October… I'm trembling with sobs and I feel my emotional pain become physical as I press my hands on my chest… I'm lying on the sofa exhausted still staring at the Christmas tree… You know why I love Christmas so much? It's the time of happiness and love and it's not just some humbug. It is real. It can be felt in the air… I'm standing in front of my closet staring at a little bundle… my hand is shaking while I put the little ornament on the tree… It's beautiful… I try to suppress the sobs which are coming… You are beautiful… Merry Christmas, Mac. I love you… I love you, Stella…

The End

Merry Christmas, Everyone!!!