Dark night of the soul
Scenario: Rilian reflects on the nature of his imprisonment.
Rated: M
Category: Angst/Spiritual
Author's Note: An allegory of sorts about suffering and redemption told through the eyes of Rilian. In a way this story is also an extension of Dark night incarnate, but with a hopeful ending =)
o0o
When I can no more stir my soul to move,
And life is but the ashes of a fire;
When I can but remember that my heart
Once used to live and love, long and aspire –
Oh, be thou then the first, the one thou art;
Be thou the calling, before all answering love,
And in me wake hope, fear, and boundless desire
(Diary of an Old Soul; George MacDonald)
o0o
It is folly for me to say that man is imprisoned by bars alone, for it is my mind that imprisons me. It is my darkness that runs rampant through my mind, my desires, my weaknesses that hold me down... And always she is watching, her eyes hungry for my ruin, my utter humiliation; here in this crystallised chamber, this diamond-green harem where her coolness and queenliness reign in ice and fire. She sits with me sometimes, seeks the skin beneath my clothing and kisses away my burning fury. Sometimes she holds the point of her dagger before my eyes and I look longingly at my reflection in the gleaming blade... and her eyes which mock me and dare me in turn...
And sometimes... I am so close to the brink of insanity that I could eat the knife...
I remember one day she found me standing on broken glass, disorientated and dizzy in my enchanted state. I remember the look on her face when I told her I had seen a lion in the mirror. She led me patiently back to my chair, soothing, gentle and only then when I was trapped inside the lovely yet cutting bonds was she malicious and cruel to my cries and pleadings. I've heard it said that you will only be tempted to the point of what you can possibly bear... then by Aslan I must be a weak-minded man! For I have sat here many days, many hours, countless years, countless nights... left to reflect on why I said yes... on why I gave in, why I succumbed to my weakness...
She raises my finger to her lips and kisses it, blood on her mouth.
One drop of blood to sign your life away forever.
You are mine now...
And I cannot think long enough to know what will happen to me, as I waste away down here in the darkness, imprisoned by my own desires and obsessions. I didn't understand the price of one mishap... I was weak... I was foolish... And I failed...
I watch her from the grassy banks, dressed as I am, in the attire befitting a prince of Cair Paravel. For days I have watched her... watched her with hungry longing. I watch as she enters the water, smiling, seductive and beautiful beyond description. She smiles at me and I tremble, aching for her, aching beyond all that is good and holy.
Lies, all lies. Lies and trickery. I was deceived and gave in to temptation and now I must pay the price... Forgive me mother, for not being strong enough to take her life, to kill the very one who in spiteful hatred and jealousy took your life...
Father... I'm sorry... sorry that you spent the rest of your wasted life, looking for the son you loved and lost...
Shadows whisper in my ears.
You deserve this...
No.
You brought this upon yourself you fool...
Go away!
No one will rescue you now...
I'm sorry... Mother, Father... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...
Come to me, my Prince...
And I sit there, and watch her, the water streaming down her back, her hair, darkly wet and pale, smooth body, enchanting. I sit there and shut my eyes and curl my fingers into fists but her shining visage is etched into my closed eye-lids.
"What's wrong, my Prince... what are you afraid of...?
Are you afraid of me...?" And her perfect lips curl into a teasing smile, her eyes jade-green and beguiling.
"What are you afraid of...? You are a man..."
A man...
"What makes a man Rilian...?" I look up into the face of my mother as we walk through the orchards together, her long, white sleeves trailing in the autumn leaves; ochre and burnt sienna and her fair hair caught up in diamond fragments.
"I'm not sure Mama," I screw my face up in thought, "Father is a man... he rides horses and goes into battle and talks with a lot of people about important things..."
"Yes, my darling... your father is a man among men... but what is it that makes a man...?"
"I don't know Mama..." I confess, feeling a little puzzled.
She stops by my side and kneels down to take my hands. "I want you to remember this always, Rilian. A man is measured by the goodness of his heart, not by his conquests or his victories or his riches... but by his honour, his valour and his desire to do the right thing in the face of great temptation..."
"Yes Mama." And as I look up into her earnest face, my eyes wide and promising, I know I will strive for this... to be a man of goodness, a man of valour, a man of honour...
"A man is measured by the goodness of his heart, my lady... by his honour, his valour and his desire to do the right thing in the face of temptation..."
She looks at me and laughs enchantingly.
"But how quaint...who told you that darling...? A true man will take what he wants, become what he wants..."
My hands are shaking as she walks towards me and touches me, her hand slipping beneath my clothing.
"A true man fights for what is his," she purrs into my ear. "And lets nothing stop in the way..." She kisses my closed eye-lids, the pulse at my neck, my lips... "You, my prince, are a man among men... You, my Prince will reign over this land... Tell me you want this... and I will seal it with your blood..."
"Rilian...?" The gentle voice interrupts my somewhat euphoric daydream, and I turn from the window, my cheeks burning, to see my father holding out a new sword. "I thought you might like to spar in the courtyard just like the old times..." I turn away from him.
"And what if I say no Father...?"
I hear his heavy sigh. "I worry for you Rilian. I do not see enough of you these days. Where are you going? In whose company are you keeping? I miss you, my son..."
I breathe heavily against her pale skin, my heart racing, barely noticing as she raises a sharp dagger and cuts the top of my finger.
"My lady?" I whisper, through a haze of pain and euphoria.
"Tis nothing, my prince, just a symbol that we are bonded together..."
And she raises my finger and kisses it, my blood on her lips.
I look at my Father and shake my head, lies slipping so easily past my tongue these days.
"Always Father... I have been seeking the one that took mother's life... and you do not seem to care..."
"I do care Rillian... I just do not want you to obsess over something that cannot be changed. Justice is a fine thing, to be sure, yes, but anger... anger will slowly poison you from the inside out..."
I look at him for a moment, debating whether or not to tell him of the woman I have met that defines my very existence, and decide against it. "I do not care what you think Father... I have a mission of my own, and you cannot stop me..." I sweep from the room without a backward glance.
And now... my last memory of Father is a bitter one as I rot down here in this accursed place. I remember when it had finally sunk in, that everything I had been fed were lies...
Oh how easily I had been deceived... how easily she had spun her web of lies...
I remember the room was cold around me, paved floor, icy beneath my feet, ornamental green lattice, shadows draped around every corner... the night I first woke up to her treachery...
"I don't believe you, my prince. You wanted this... you asked for this... and now you have it..." She sweeps her voluminous sleeves from the room.
I shout after her in burning fury. "This is not what I wanted..."
"Too late for that dear prince..." She smiles coldly over her shoulder, "You are mine now... you are bound to me by blood..."
"No!" And I struggle against my bonds, ashamed of how frightened I am.
"Yes," her eyes gleam triumphantly.
"No, no, it can't be true..."
"It is true dear prince," she says, turning around almost lazily. She moves forward and her green garments sparkle in the pale light. "It is why... I can do this..." She draws the tip of her shining green-jewelled blade up the length of my throat, a ribbon of red.
You are mine now...
And then one day I almost unwittingly broke her cloyingly sweet dream-spell. It was the day I had seen something in the mirror... All of a sudden, unbidden, it was as if I was in my right mind-state. I had looked down at my hands in confusion, at my rich and lavish clothing. Images of a past life came to me, sang hauntingly in my blood. When the witch came in, I had already smashed the mirror in confusion and the floor was covered in shimmering, reflected shards and I had stepped on them in my attempts to feel something in my numbed, half-alive state.
"I saw a lion in the mirror milady..." I was shaking badly, and she was white to the bone.
"What did you say, My Prince...?"
"A lion... there was a lion in the mirror..."
I watched her face as it went all blotchy and red.
"Surely you dreamt it my Lord," and she laughed easily, but I could hear the undercurrent of fear in her voice.
"No, it wasn't a dream... I saw it –"
"My dear Prince... I am afraid your madness is descending on you earlier than usual tonight. We will have to be extra vigilant from now on..." And steering me forcefully by the elbow she led me to my silver throne, tied me and left me there, her voluminous green garments sweeping over my bloody footprints.
But on that day when I glimpsed the lion in the mirror, I knew even then who it was, and somehow it gave me strength, cleared my mind...
Aslan...
Memories sweep over me, and I am standing on sand, the wind in my hair, the vast blueness of the sea below Cair Paravel stretching out in front of me. I am of an age, perhaps five or so and all the childish abandonment and wonder in the world surges through me as I wriggle my toes in the sand. I look out to sea and glimpse a flash of gold against the sunlight. A Lion as huge as a bear steps in front of me, but strangely enough, I am not frightened only filled with a strange sense of peace.
"Do you know who I am little one?"
"Yes," I whisper boldly, for there is no mistaking the great lion from the many stories I had heard; "you are Aslan... son of the King from over the sea..."
He laughs gently and touches his nose to mine.
"Would you walk with me a while, little son of Adam?"
I nod eagerly and run my tiny fingers through his massive golden mane.
And the day slips slowly by like sand in an hourglass, the sun turning orange and pink in the sky as we talk about many things and finally he turns and faces me and says rather sadly.
"We have come to the end of our walk, little prince..."
"Will I not see you again...?"
"Yes, but under bitter circumstances..."
"What do you mean?" And his face is so sad that my own eyes fill with innocent tears.
"You will forget me little Son of Adam..."
"No..." I whisper fervently.
"You will turn your back on me..."
"No I won't Aslan!" and this time I look up at him with injured eyes, my fists clenched at my sides.
He looks at me sadly, "yes you will little son of Adam..." I look at him, not able to understand why someone so wonderful can hurt me so deeply. Salt tears are streaming down my face and I am trembling. All of a sudden the golden lion makes a great rumbling, sighing sound, curls his body around me and kisses my face dry, the flat of his tongue moist and warm against my face. My tears turn to laughter and I bat my small hands against his ticklish whiskers.
"Stop it!"
He smiles then looks down at me seriously. "Even though what I've said will come to pass, little one, I am with you always..."
Always...
On that day, that fateful day... it was as if I woke up inside... Something inside me snapped. Furious, I strained at my bonds, every cut, every pain made new as I awoke fully from my enchanted state. I watched as she retreated to the door, her mantle sweeping over my bloody footprints.
"Witch, murderer, enchantress, demon...!"
"Yes, my Prince?" She turned with mock surprise, a teasing smile on her lips.
"Is it not strange, Lady," I whispered in a deadly voice, wanting to hurt, mime, crush any way I could, "that just now I saw an image of a lion in the mirror...?"
I watched her stiffen and wondered at what was playing through her mind.
"An image of Aslan, Lady..." And I looked up seething, wondering what my punishment would be this time for saying the forbidden word.
But she just looked at me calmly, coldly.
"And what makes you think Aslan cares about you...? What makes you think he will come down here to this damp, underground tomb just for a mere mortal like you dear prince...?"
I stuttered, at a loss for words, struck anew at her new ruthless form of attack.
"He frightens you..." I whispered, "I barely mention his name and you pale..."
She looked at me, her eyes dark with fury, but then her anger melted like butter in the sun. She smiled maliciously and proceeded to attack me anew.
"Aslan hates you dear prince, why do you think he allowed you to be brought down here to be my prisoner? He's forgotten you... He doesn't care about you at all..." And she sneered at me, "But tonight... tonight you will pay for your insolence..."
I cringed, pushing myself as far back as possible, pleading as she advanced with her cruel, curved blade.
No. Please!
No!
And I dissociate myself from my body to escape the pain.
To escape the pain
To
Escape
To escape
The pain...
And so it has been for countless days now... so much so, that I can barely remember who I am... I cannot escape... and I am in too deep now...
A drop of blood to sign your life away... that's all it takes... for a lifetime of suffering... the price you pay,
for playing with the devil...
And I cry, struggling against my bonds as shadows whisper abuse in my ears... making me squirm, making me hate myself to the extent that I want to die.
Stupid. Rilian. Did you honestly think that she'd let you go...?
Go. Away.
There is no escaping this place. You know that...
She cannot have all of me...
Really? But you have already given yourself to her, body and soul...
No!
You are not free Rilian. Stop fooling yourself. You cannot even take your own life... I've seen you with that blade... you're such a coward...
Leave me be!
Coward.
Stop it!
Weakling
No more, please! Go away, go awaygoawaygoaway...
I sit alone, soul-tired and weary to the point of death, the pale imitation of the moon gracing my lowered head and in my totally degraded state I yearn and ache for someone who will listen...
Aslan...
I don't know what makes me call out the forbidden name but this time it is not as a ploy against the witch but as a desperate plea for help... All of a sudden, I am filled with a deep sense of nostalgia, of standing on the beach below Cair Paravel, the wind in my hair.
Please... Aslan... I need you so much right now...
And once again, I am all but five, as needy and vulnerable as a young child, tears streaming down my face.
I am so sorry... you were right... I have failed you... but did you not say that you would always be with me?
Then, where are you now?
Aslan...
The name reverberates around me like a flame and then all of a sudden, he is there before me. "Aslan." I breathe, shocked, my voice caught in my throat. I feel as if I'm in a dream.
"I am with you son of Adam..."
I look up in delirium, and almost at once I am filled with wonder and fear.
He looks at me sadly, golden fire in his eyes. "Why are you here son of Adam?"
I bow my head in shame.
"My Lord..." I whisper, ashamed, "I am receiving the full consequences of my actions..." He looks at me sadly, his eyes piercing. "You have answered truthfully..."
We stare at each other for a moment and I feel an incredible warmth flow through me. And I realise that even now he is not judging me...
"Why are you here?" I whisper, almost afraid.
"Because you called me..."
"I thought you had left me here..." and the whispered words are out before I can stop them.
"Rilian, I have promised never to leave you, or forsake you, but you will find that when you accepted the terms of the witch you turned your back on me..."
I lower my head in shame, knowing he is right.
A cold nose touches my forehead and warm breath fans my cheek. "I will not leave you here in darkness..." And I can barely look at him, so fierce is the intensity of his promise.
"Then you will break my bonds?" I can barely breathe for the hope that courses through me.
"I have already broken all bonds, but you are bound by more than physical chains... You know this Rilian. It is your darkness that ensnares you... But it is in your weakness and your failings that Iam made manifest..."
I look up in bewilderment, not understanding his words.
"But I ... I... it's hopeless... I've tried and tried..."
He speaks gently, firmly. "You must fight in my strength, Beloved, not yours..."
Surely he can't know the pain of having demons whisper in your ears for weeks, months, endless long days, making you think things, making you do things...
"... but Aslan," I cry, "I can't do this!"
"Then fight and fight again. Do not give up, for I have not given up on you."
And I'm amazed to see the great Lion tears of blood that trek down and matt into his fur.
"Why are you crying...?" I ask hoarsely.
"Son of Adam... look at me..." I raise my head, my cheeks burning and meet his light-filled eyes. "These tears are for you, Beloved... because I love you and I hate to see you suffer... Do you not know that I would tear apart the foundations of the earth to find you? That I would brave the darkest of evils to bring you safely home...?"
I bow my head in tears from this love I do not deserve.
"But Aslan... she..."
I shiver violently as a vision comes to mind of when she cut my finger, whispering hot words into my ear: You are mine now.
"I am already bound to the Witch!"
"Yes," and there is a fierce gleam in his golden eyes, "but my blood is stronger..."
"I do not understand..." I whisper.
"No... but in time you will..."
"Then you... you... will leave me here..." And I can barely speak for the pain that suffocates me.
He comes forward and breathes on me.
"I will not abandon you Rilian. I have never abandoned you. I have come to give you back your life..."
And suddenly, before me, as golden and resplendent as the morning I am given a vision. A boy, a girl and a marshwiggle standing on an old stone bridge overlooking a ruined city.
And as I look up into those great Lion eyes, I am filled with the most indescribable peace.
"They will come to set you free. Soon."
And I watch as the room around me lightens with a diffusing light, I shiver as the shadows flee my mind, retreating into darkening corners. I marvel, feeling an incredible lightness in my soul... knowing above all else that He is my strength. And for the first time I realise that even though I am in chains, I am free...