Okaii, I was really bored and I wanted to write a fic when Mello is overwhelmed by his love and hate for Near. Please review. Quite short.
It's Unrequited Love - Mello Prov
Anime: Death Note
Pairing: Near/Mello
Genre: Romance/Angst/Hurt/Comfort (But you can be the judge)
Rated: T
Disclaimer: I DO NOT own Death Note...
Mello struggles to decide on his feelings for Near, but consequently may end up hurting the both of them.
It's unrequited love, that's what I told you. This way I can get the easiest conclusion possible.
Maybe one day I'll realise my feelings, my true feelings for you. But that day isn't today.
My hate for you seems to be over powering my love for you...this truly is a love, hate relationship.
Why do you effect me so, without even trying, you make my blood boil...unintentionally.
Sadly I know you will never understand the feelings I have, which is why what we have must end here.
Don't touch me. Don't be tender to me. Don't try to love me because I will kill you. That I can almost promise.
My personality is incomplete, this much I know. I am not right, I am flawed. I hate those who are superior to me. I do my best to crush them with my own hands, physically and mentally.
What a sad life to pursue, don't you agree?
That boy, the boy who has surpassed me in every way, and has barely tried to, you have changed my life considerably.
In a way I could say I admire you, but only your guts. Your ability to stand up to me, and not let me intimidate you. The way you would stare at me right back, as I stare at you. Both of us refusing to back down. This just makes things even more interesting.
We've been in the common room for nearly 30 minutes, not saying a word. Our relationship is torn, but you refuse to let go.
I realise I have been starring at you for 27 of the 30 minutes, and then you speak.
"Mello, why do you stare"
Abruptly pulled out of my train of thought, I struggle to come up with an answer that doesn't sound completely mad.
You look at me, your eyes emotionless and calm. I no longer think of you as emotionless though, in fact, in the time I've known you, I've realised your eyes show a lot more emotion then mine do. A fact of which others are blissfully unaware.
I know you, I know everything about you. I know your habits, what you hate, what you love and what you fear.
I watch you as you curl you hair in anticipation. I watch you as you grimace at the thought of eating your vegetables. I watch you as you smile inwardly when you get a new toy. I watch you as you try to avoid a spider on the floor by shuffling all over the common room.
"Mello" you repeat.
Your voice is driving me insane, I'm contemplating on weather to just leave. I must look pretty mad at the moment though, I have been starring at you for a long time after all.
"I stare, because..." I try to answer.
"...Because you want to..." you finish.
Maybe you do understand me, maybe I'm not giving you enough credit for your knowledge of me. I don't always give straight answers, but this time I didn't have to try.
I can hear the other children playing outside. You just sit in your usual position starring down at the white puzzle you've been completing, quite slowly.
We both sit there contently, not saying a word.
I want this to work, but unfortunately I know it won't. Lately you have been pissing me off more then ever. But you don't actually do anything. I take my frustration out on you, I hit, punch and kick you, and not once have you told on me. I see your body, covered in bruises that I have given you.
I feel almost bad for doing it, almost bad for you...almost.
"Mello" your irritating voice is heard again.
"What" I reply coldly.
"Mello...do you hate me?"
I'm struck again by that feeling, hoping that if I wasn't confronted about these feelings, that I wouldn't have to worry about figuring them out. But yet again, you, Near, have managed to cause me discomfort yet again.
I don't know how to answer your crude question, perhaps with a question of my own?
My body is overwhelmed by my emotions and thoughts, and I act on impulse.
I lunge towards your tiny frame, throwing you backwards, you respond with a 'squeak' of surprise.
I pin your hands above your head, straddling your stomach forcing you to look at me. I can feel the pulse in your wrist, throbbing quickly.
I tighten my grip around you stomach, digging my knees into soft skin. You breathe deeply, as if worried this may be your last breath. For all I know right know, it probably could be.
I love seeing you this way.
That word again, Love...what does it really mean, to me.
I hang my face over yours, my piercing blue eyes glaring into your grey orbs. Our faces are only inches apart, and right then, I want to kiss you. If I were to reach just a little closer, allow my lips to press against your soft skin...
But I don't, I fear that may complicate things further.
"Do you hate me?" I breath, watching your hair move slightly.
Of course I expect you to say yes, why wouldn't you, I treat you like dirt. If you hate me, things would be easier.
"No, I think it's quite the opposite"
WHAT, what did you say? The opposite? Love? NO!
Things become complicated this way, I like the simple rout.
"Now answer, do you hate me Mello?" you stare directly at me.
Do I owe you a straight answer?
What do I feel for you, Near? Is the opposite of love really hate, because then...
"I don't love you"
Your eyes lower, averting their gaze, avoiding my eyes, my face, my body. My everything. Looking to the side, starring out into the room. Are you sad? Have I hurt you? Did you really expect me to return your feelings?
I don't think I know how to. Mixed messages is all I seem to send you lately.
Please, get over me.
I cautiously climb off, doing my best not to touch you. I climb to my feet.
And again, it is silent, except for the sound of my shoes on the shiny floor as I leave the room without a second thought.
That was the truth, I don't love you. But, it was also a lie. I hate you Near.
But I love you?
You can't understand me, I barely understand myself. As I have stated before, so please don't try.
I like things to be easy.
I walk into my bedroom, I shut the door and close the curtains. My room is dark, with the light mid-afternoon seeping through my curtains gently.
I curl up into a fetal position on my bed. I can't hold it back any longer. I clench my fists around my pillow tightly, causing deep wrinkles in the fabric as I can't help the tears fall from my eyes. Burying my face into the pillow forcefully, I try to stifle the small squeaks and gasps I have no choice but to let escape my throat.
I can feel my body shaking uncontrollably, my gasps deeper as I try to remember to breath through my long cries.
I feel as though I could self-destruct. I want to self-destruct. My body is full of so much emotion at once. I can feel every single one of them. I want to love you, I want to kill you. I want laugh with you, I want to cry with you. It's painful.
I want to kiss you Near, I want to embrace you warmly in my arms. I want to love you tenderly and tell you everything's going to be okay.
I want to grip my hands around your small white neck, and squeeze your life away. Watch as you take your last breath of life and look into my eyes, as the last person you see, your killer.
I want to share what I feel with you, I want you to trust me. To cry in front of me. I want to cry in front of you. It's painful, It's so painful.
I am a danger to you.
Near...I have to protect your heart.
Maybe one day I'll realise my feelings, my true feelings for you. But that day isn't today.
Thank you very much for reading, again its 1am and I decide to write this now...gosh. I'm sorry if it sucks, I realise it didn't have much of a plot to it. But please let me know what you think...be gentle o.O xx