Crossing the Threshold
Note: Happy Birthday, Dilandau!
So I've decided to re-enter the abyss of Merlandau smut writing and make another attempt at an explicit fic for them. I'm too lazy to start developing their attraction from scratch so this will be an alternate take on "A Means to an End." In my defense, I had considered this option for the story but chose to follow a different path. But now, I feel like it was a wasted opportunity. So I'm going to pursue it and I'm really quite excited about this, too.
But I've decided to write in the past tense again and not adopt the style I used in "A Means" because as interesting an experiment as that was, I found that I'm still more comfortable writing in the past tense. Since it's a separate story anyway, it won't seem so strange, hopefully.
And fair warning, there will be cheesy dialogue and just general cheesiness but I hope it won't seem completely ridiculous. This is a crack ship but I try to keep them in character. But also, this is a crack ship so weird things can happen.
This starts from the end of Chapter Three where Merle has just seen Dilandau in a miserable state, muttering about being alone, and just being very, very depressed. I had considered a scenario where she would do something about what she saw and that is what this is. This is also my attempt at giving them a more emotional connection before the smexytimes. There's some potential here and I hope it doesn't seem too far-fetched.
Anyway, here it is. Enjoy.
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She couldn't sleep.
Dilandau's pale, distraught face remained fresh in her memory and she could not get him out of her head. She had never seen him so miserable and she was shaken by the experience. Something about the tone of his voice when he muttered "alone" almost seemed like a cry for help.
She realized that her attachment to him had gone deeper than she had anticipated. She had seen him in a rare moment of suffering and she found that she could not rest until she somehow rectified the situation.
"That's it," she decided firmly, "I need to do something about this."
She quickly slipped on a robe as she had been sleeping in the nude and quietly crept out of her room. The hall outside was deserted, as it would be at such an hour. The cat-girl moved silently through the halls until she reached his room, place she had often imagined entering but never really dared to.
As she stood before his door, she hesitated, her hand poised over the doorknob. Suddenly, she was unsure of what she was doing there and she felt overcome by anxiety. She simply stared at the door for a few moments, struggling to put her thoughts together and calm her beating heart. Was this really a good idea? What exactly was she going to do? What would she even tell him?
The whole situation made such little sense and she was on the verge of turning around and running away when her keen ears perked up, catching the sound of sobbing from within the room. She gasped with surprise but she regained with her resolve. She took a deep breath before opening the door and entering.
Dilandau looked up in puzzlement.
He was sitting in bed, hugging his knees and trembling as he tried to shake off painful visions and memories. On such nights as these, he knew he would not be getting any sleep and he could only struggle to forget all he had seen. And as accustomed as he was to being alone, solitude brought no comfort.
He stared incredulously at Merle and she returned his gaze with concern.
If she had believed he looked miserable earlier that evening, he looked even worse now. Eyes swollen, cheeks streaked with angry tears, his entire body trembling slightly, he looked completely exhausted but unable o find any rest. He looked terrible, and she knew the prudent thing would be to leave him be. But she wasn't feeling particularly prudent.
Taking advantage of the young man's shock, Merle approached him tentatively. His chest was bare and he only wore loose, dark pants. As he watched her come nearer, his posture stiffened defensively and he frowned.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, more surprised and confused than angry.
"I…," Merle began uncertainly, "I…needed to see you."
She had reached the edge of his bed but dared not move forward. He sat up straight now and was looking at her suspiciously, his eyes narrowing further.
"Why?" he demanded sternly.
Merle paused but she resolved that tonight was a time for some honesty. "I wanted to make sure you were all right."
His eyes widened slightly at this. She seemed sincere enough but he was still mistrustful of her because he could not figure out why she would even care.
"I told you before," Dilandau said curtly, "I don't need your pity."
"That's not what this is," Merle insisted, inching closer to him.
"What is it, then?" he asked.
"Please," the cat-girl said, extending her hand towards him, "let me help you."
Dilandau scoffed, trying his best to act completely unaffected by her words and gestures. He couldn't bring himself to believe that she genuinely felt any concern for him, despite her presence and the sincerity of her tone. It was impossible. Not after everything that had happened. He couldn't allow himself to believe in that.
"I don't need your help," he said, turning away from her, "No one can help me."
But before Dilandau could turn away from her completely, Merle climbed on the bed and grabbed him by the shoulders. So taken aback was he by this gesture that he held grabbed her arms as well, for balance.
"What do you think you're doing?" he demanded angrily, attempting to push her away, "Don't touch me! What do you want?"
"I keep telling you," she replied stubbornly, her grip firm on his shoulders, "Let me help you."
"I don't need your help," he said, but slightly less forcefully than before, "Why don't you just leave me alone?"
"But that's just it," Merle argued.
"What?" he asked in puzzlement, looking at her directly.
"You…you're always alone and I think you hate it," Merle said softly, "But you don't have to be alone tonight."
Dilandau stared long and hard at the cat-girl he had somehow held in his arms. There was a fiercely determined look in her eyes and yet there was also something he had never expected to see from anyone, especially her. It was something he could not yet define, something like warmth. Some part of him had always sought this but he never would have expected to find it here and with her. It was all too strange.
Merle knew she had struck a chord. Dilandau's shock and silence emboldened her and while the silver-haired man attempted to process what was happening, she slid her arms around his neck and pulled him into an embrace.
"What!" he protested as she held him tighter.
Again, he was shocked by the gesture and her audacity. He tried to wriggle out of the embrace but she held on tightly.
"You've gone crazy," he muttered angrily, still trying to break away, but with feebler attempts.
Merle held on as firmly as she could though her heart was beating wildly. She didn't know what had possessed her to be so forward but she knew that she needed to see this through. She also knew that he was more than strong enough to push her away if that was what he really wanted. His hesitation only gave her more encouragement.
After a few more clumsy attempts to break free, Dilandau stopped with an exasperated sigh. As preposterous as this whole thing was, he didn't hate it. And if anything, it brought a comfort he had never expected to find. And part of him said that it might be better for him to stop fighting it.
He grunted before he slowly, reluctantly returned the hug.
It was Merle's turn to be surprised but she was overwhelmed with relief and excitement. She had not known what would happen though she had certainly had her hopes. Initially, she had thought that she would only try to speak to him, but for some reason she seemed to be lacking self-restraint that night. And yet, somehow her recklessness was begin rewarded.
Her pulse quickened when she felt him lean his forehead on her shoulder as he pulled her closer to him. She felt him tense and then begin trembling slightly, as if fighting the sobs that threatened to come out once more. The cat-girl was incredibly moved by this show of trust, this rare moment of vulnerability. She could not imagine the kind of memories or nightmares that tormented someone as self-assured as Dilandau, what horrors had reduced him to such a state of misery.
He clung to her tightly, desperately, as if trying to steady himself as he shook.
"I'm here," she said softly, "I'm here for you."
She stroked his back gently and whispered soothing words to him, all while trying to calm her beating heart. She had never been held like this before, like she was truly needed, even wanted. While she was no stranger to trying to comfort a troubled soul, she also found herself consoled and overwhelmed by his presence, his firm grip on her something she had also needed for quite some time. He held her as if he was drowning and she was the only thing keeping him afloat.
For months, she had been drawn to him but she had refused to acknowledge that this was any more than a physical need. Holding him now and having him hold her, she knew that what she felt had been gradually deepening. He was a mess but she had never wanted him more.
And only now was she ready to give in; now that she knew that he felt something too.
At length, his trembling subsided and his breathing grew steadier. He loosened his grip on the cat-girl but did not let go completely. They remained locked in an embrace, each sensing what they wanted to do next but still holding back, at least for the moment.
"Why are you still here?" he whispered softly.
Merle released him from the hug so that she could hold his face in her hands. He made no objection and steadily held her gaze.
"Maybe," she whispered back, "maybe I'm lonely too."