Title: Where the Failure Lies
Author: Scarecrow of a Man
Disclaimer: All characters are property of Kishimoto.
He knew she was going to die. Everyone did. Some people knew it as soon as their ANBU squad was dispatched to assist the squad that had been sent out before it. Some of the less perceptive people knew it when they saw her mangled body, blood leaking from her mouth with every labored breath she took. But he had known it before all this. Perhaps, he had always known. As soon as she made her feelings for him known, he had foreseen her downfall. He could feel it in his blood. But this knowledge made her death no less painful. In fact, all it did was send memories roaring through his head.
When Kakashi Hatake, a mere boy of 16 arrived on the bloody scene, he was paralyzed. He had been around blood and gore all his life. He had seen people when they were horrendously injured. He had watched the life leak out of people's eyes. But this-this was completely different, because this horrendously injured person was Rin, his former teammate and friend. Medics were crowded all around her, but they weren't panicking or fussing. They were just…looking. Kakashi left his solemn ANBU squad behind and staggered over to his friend. One of the medics stood and caught him before he reached Rin.
"There is nothing we can do." The medic stared sadly into Kakashi's eyes. "She's dying."
Kakashi nodded blankly and continued to move towards Rin. The remaining medics stood and walked away, apologetic expressions on their faces. He couldn't look at them. He knelt down next to his fallen comrade and took her shaking hand. Without thinking, he swept her soft hair off her face, and gazed into her unfocused, unresponsive eyes. Seeing those once bright eyes look so dead sent shivers down Kakashi's spine. How bright and loving those brown eyes had looked on that fateful day…the day she told Kakashi how much she loved him, the day he drove her away. Sitting there numbly, holding the dying Rin's hand, Kakashi couldn't help but remember…
It was two weeks after the kyuubi attack, two weeks after sensei died. Two people were hurting-Kakashi and Rin. Rin with her quiet tears, and Kakashi with his stony silence. They attended the funeral, seen his name engraved on the memorial stone, watched as Sarutobi came back to take Minato-sensei's place…they'd done all this together, and yet, it still seemed so unreal. It was on that day, the day that Kakashi visited the memorial stone to apologize to two lost comrades, that Rin came looking for him. She came to kneel beside him and put her arm around his rigid shoulders. The broken boy continued to gaze blankly at the monument until she spoke.
"I'm sorry."
Kakashi shrugged. "It's not your fault."
Rin chewed her bottom lip. "It's not yours either."
Kakashi shrugged again, but felt a pang of guilt as he reminded himself that he was not the only one suffering. He had lost a teacher and a friend. But so had Rin. He turned to face the girl and looked into her now moist eyes. Kakashi mustered up a smile.
"Obito and sensei loved you, you know?" He told her for the umpteenth time. "Especially Obito."
Rin didn't smile like she usually did. "They loved you too." Her voice stayed quiet. "Sensei loved you like a son, and Obito loved you like a brother. But I-"She paused and her voice got even softer. "I love you as something more."
Kakashi couldn't stop his eyes from widening. He knew that Rin loved him; it wasn't a surprise. But why did she keep pursuing the matter? After all the mistakes he had made, after all the times he had let her down. Why did she still want to be with him?
"Don't you get it, Kakashi? I love you. I…I want to be with you…forever."
And at this invitation, something inside of Kakashi broke. Oh, how he wanted to be with her, stay with her, hold her forever…The voice in the back of his mind screamed 'Yes, look past my flaws! Accept me as I am! Love me, unconditionally!' But, even as he thought these things, his mouth formed different words.
"I could love you. But…it wouldn't be enough."
Her watery eyes widened. "H-how can you say that? It would be enough f-for me! Please, I don't need anything from you, except a chance!"
Kakashi hated this. He hated making her sad. Couldn't she see that being with him would only make her miserable?
"Don't you get it, Rin?" Kakashi knew his words were harsh, but what else could he say? "In this world we live in, love is the weakest bond. It's just a distraction from reality. You feel alone because Obito and sensei are gone, and you're just confusing that feeling as attraction to me-"
"No!" Rin's voice rose. "I loved you before Obito! I loved you before sensei! You know it!" He voice softened again. "Why…why won't you just give me a chance? I want to make you happy-"
"Rin. I'm sorry."
"…Why n-not…?"
"Because I don't deserve it."
And with those final words, Kakashi left her there at the memorial. He didn't look back. She didn't call him back. There was a part of him that wished she had.
As he pulled himself back into reality, Kakashi realized something with a bitter fascination: While he had absolutely refused to be there for Rin throughout her life, he was more than eager to be there for her at her death. It was sick. He was clutched Rin's hand more tightly.
"Ka-kakashi…" Rin's weak voice floated towards him.
"Don't speak!" He instantly responded. "Just sit still…It will be…Okay…"
His attempt at comfort was pathetic. So pathetic that Rin's mangled body wracked with broken laughter.
"I don't think…it's going to be okay…" She coughed and the blood from her chest wound began to flow faster.
"Rin-!" Kakashi had no idea what to say.
"Shh, Kakashi. Don't worry." She sighed, and then her bloody face twisted into a bitter smile, a sort of smile he had never seen upon her innocent face. "I'd tell you not to cry for me, but I doubt you would cry for me even if I begged you to."
Kakashi's breath caught painfully in his throat.
"Even if I begged you to-you wouldn't bring yourself to show me one shred of emotion-!"
"Don't say that!" Kakashi choked out. "Please, that isn't true-!"
"Yes, it is." Rin's bitter grin melted back into her usual sweet smile. "But that's okay. At least you're here now, right?"
With one last bloody cough, Rin went still. When her hand went limp in his grasp, Kakashi began to cry out.
"Rin? Rin!"
He knew it was over, but his mind refused to comprehend it. It wasn't until the hands of his ANBU squad began to pull him away that he left Rin's side. He stumbled away from the bloody scene, head throbbing, legs trembling beneath him. He managed to reach the edge of the forest before he was violently sick. Clutching his stomach, he turned himself around, facing where Rin lay. Two medic nins were picking up her small, fragile body, carrying her away, away forever…The one person who had wanted him, despite his flaws, the one person who had truly loved him, the one person he had refused to give a chance.
And as he looked upon what he had lost, Kakashi did cry. The hot tears poured silently down his face, as the cooped up emotions of 16 years finally broke free. He stayed in that spot, crying, after Rin's body had been taken away, after her ANBU team and his had gone back to the village. And standing there, he finally realized how he had failed. The failure wasn't in his strength, it wasn't in his intelligence, it wasn't even in his inability to protect Rin: He'd had everything he'd ever wanted right in front of him, but he'd refused her a chance…And that was where the failure lie.