I do not own Aaron Hotchner.
I do not own the rights to "Criminal Minds"

The plane ride was quiet, non turbulent. I felt myself shake lightly, thinking about what has happened in the past year. I put on my glasses, I felt myself think about Jason, how I had remembered him sitting in this same spot, doing the same thing. Writing in a little black book all his deepest, darkest, thoughts and, secrets. I thought about how he felt, and his pain. I thought about losing him, which brought me back to the position I'm in now. Losing Haley. It's been almost a year later, and the pain has grown stronger, and stronger with each passing day. I don't know how to say this to anyone. But I can say it to her.

Dear Haley,

Who couldn't love you? You're bright, you're bubbly. Your smile radiates throughout every room. You made the harshest of nightmares go away. You calmed the worst of the storms, and made me see where I belonged. I wasn't always there, as I should have been. But you knew I had the best of intentions. I loved you, and I loved our son more than anything in the world. I still do. I don't think I'll ever be over your death. No amount of talking, or writing will ever take away the pain. You, in my arms again, one more time, the smell of your perfume, your skin--That just may do the trick. Think me silly, think me naive, but I can't help to pray, every night before I lay down and rest my eyes, fight off the demons that attack my subconscious, I pray for your return. That I'll wake up tomorrow morning, and see your smiling face welcoming me to a brand new day.

Now, as a realistic, more or less, pessimistic, human being, I know for a fact this can never happen. And I'm fine with that... No. scratch that, I'm not fine with it, I'm angry, and I'm afraid. I don't like facing my days without you. It's not as if we were separated, I won't ever see you again, and as if to contradict myself, no amount of hoping and praying will bring you back. Nothing.

Now, Haley, I'm probably not making much sense, I haven't at all, since you left. When Foyet took you, he took most of me. My soul, my voice, my heart. All of my sense, my thoughts. My smile, my laugh. I wasn't always so serious. I did smile--Don't you remember? "Pirates of Penzance" ahh, high school. I know I've told you before, but I joined that drama club just for you. For your smile, your eyes. Your kindness and your warmth. You changed my life, Haley, and everything in it. You brought me our wonderful son, Jack.

He misses you, so much. Jessica's with him right now, taking care of him. I know, I know. You're probably grimacing up there, in Heaven while you're reading this, I should be with him. And, I was for a while, but this place, the BAU, the Jet, the police stations, this is where I have to be, I need to be. Protecting him, protecting other children, other men, other women. It's sickening in a way. That's how I lost you. I hurt you, and condemned you, trying to save other people. And, Haley, I'm so sorry for that. I'm sorry for everything. All the nights and the early mornings I left. All the times I put you two in danger, for... for... your death. My fault, and it could have been prevented.. if I just. stayed. home. If I showed you two I loved you, and was there for you, as much as I felt I loved you, and as much as I wanted to be there. I needed you Haley. I need you Haley. Now, and Forever. And It kills me, almost every day, waking up in an empty hotel room, wishing your warm smile was there to greet me.

...I'm running on and on, saying the same things. I don't mean to. Gee, I sound like a broken record. I love you. and I love our son. With every fiber of my being, I do. And I wish you could come home, and be with us. Be a family again. I'll make him remember all the good times, even if he was just a tiny being. I'll tell him how I loved you, and how I made you laugh. How you made me a better person. Most importantly, how love gives people hope and inspires everyone it touches. How love changed my life, and how love gave me the greatest gift of all.

...You.

Your loving husband,
Aaron

I closed the book. Tears filling my eyes. Pouring over them, like two over-filled pools. I wiped them away, placing headphones in my ear. I turned my Mp3 player on, closing my eyes, dreaming of Haley, and the life that we had. And the life Jack and I will lead without her.