A/N – not really sure where this one shot came from but I will say it is sad so bring out the tissues. I hope you enjoy it.
Warning – some sexual content – you are warned.
She stares out the window, a familiar sight coming into full view as the winter season falls upon a place she reclaims as her home. The fragile wet flakes of snow grace the cold ground leaving small trails of white and moisture as they settle into the grass and trees that surround this special place, a cabin set far off from her life and his.
It was once a year she sought out this damp, unheated, barely furnished little hut, a place only known to her and one other, a place she hopes will once again be filled with passions that once resided within these log covered walls., the essence that was once just her and him.
The brisk wind smacks against the cabin, it's cool whispers seeping between the cracks and chilling her to the bone, mother nature's reminder of a time when heat was the only sensation she felt and cold was a fate she once sought but no longer coveted as her own.
Three years was a long time to hope, dream and aspire for something she knew she had no right to. She hated recalling that night when their anniversary became more than just a joyous time to recall a wonderful friendship, the moment everything changed and she lost not only her best friend but what she now recognizes as the true love of her life. It was hard coming here, feeling his presence, sensing the joys and pains of years past and knowing she was foolish to think he would ever revisit this place after what she had done.
The tears well in her eyes as she turns away, the scenery a constant reminder of the fun times they had, the sense of fulfillment and love they once coveted and the true pain of losing her heart and soul over stupidity.
She walks over to the cast iron stove and places a tea kettle on the burner to boil. The cabin had no heat other than the stove and although normally no heat was required when she had her own personal space heater to keep her warm, she lost that and so much more when she chose to extinguish his flame with shards of ice that once resided in her heart.
Before she has time to dwell on her lost love, the tea comes to a boil, the whistle echoing in her ears, a sound similar to the call of his brethren when trouble arose and his assistance was required. Her body quivers as her hand reaches for the handle, her mind lost in the past and not paying close attention to the metal handle, burning as red as sunburn on pale skin. Once her fingertips touch the handle, she pulls away, the heat burning her skin instantly causing her fingertips to blister and swell like a bee sting to an allergic adolescent. Instinctually she leans over the sink and with her elbow forces the cold water to come rushing out of the faucet and onto her swollen hand, the chill of the water reminding her of her husband's skin, the frigid touch that burned not with passion but of regret.
She will never forget that day, the day she denied her soul mate and accepted her fate with a man soulless, heartless and dead in many respects. She wonders what it was about him that drew her in. At first it was love, the way her heart fluttered at the sound of her name to the way her body ached with an unusual longing to be at his side even in the face of death, all falsehoods of course, but at the time the signs of love in its truest form, at least that was the perception of her novice mind. In all truth it didn't really matter what drew her in because ultimately she fell for him and thus, now, after all this time, she finds herself once again alone, worn and cold.
The pain, that instant burn that penetrates her skin and almost debilitates her resolve was numb now due to the cold water. "Ironic" she mumbles. It would seem even when hundreds of miles away from her chilled ex, cold once again manages to extinguish her heat, not once but twice in her short lifetime.
She shakes her head, pushing away the memories of things she couldn't change while hoping that her actions now, her presence in this cabin for yet another year, alone without spouse or expectations, might show signs that she wanted, no needed him to return if only for this one night.
With a pot holder protecting her hand, she once again reaches for the kettle and pours the water into a mug, the steam instantly soothing her for the moment as she places the kettle back down and grabs the mug.
She moves slowly back to the window, as her eyes gain focus she notices the snow tampering off a bit and decides maybe the fresh air might sooth her troubled mind. She grabs a blanket front the small table by the door, exits and sits on an old wooden rocking chair underneath the covered front porch.
Her hands cling to the warmth of the mug as the winter chill fills her and her eyes close to take in the sweet scent of forest that surrounds her. As the smell of fresh pine parades her senses, her mind wonders off to that night, that moment when they met under one very large pine tree and became one in this very cabin.
Flashback
"Are you sure you want to do this? I mean everything will change if we push this any farther" he whispers, his labored breath teasing her half exposed chest as she remains locked within their heated embrace.
"Things have already changed…I want this, I want you" she replies her lips inches from his swollen red ones, her hands pressing firmly against his bare chest, his heartbeat beating erratically in unison with hers, the desire and longing burning from their moist skin with each passing moment they deny each other their true desires.
He wastes no time, his lips pressing firmly against the sensitive skin of her neck, his hands roaming freely up and down her back as he holds her close and ravishes her body. She in turn holds him just as firmly, his lips touching every spot along her delicate neckline with such precision it surprises her how he knows which spots to touch to heighten her arousal to the brink of insanity.
Instinctually her leg rises, hooking around his upper thigh while his hands find their resting place around her bottom, gripping firmly but only enough to gather a response. As he lifts, her other leg follows suit and before long, she is tightly wrapped around his body as his lips continue to devour her skin until they find their resting place within the valley of her breasts.
Her clothing, the vial pieces of material cling to her moist skin, annoying at first but quickly discarded by her own hands as he moves them down towards the bear skin rug by the cast iron stove in the middle of the living room. He leans down, gravity being of no consequences as she tightens her bodily grip while they descend onto the warm fur.
Once her back hits the warm, soft fur of the rug and she feels the instant chill of his body withdrawing from hers, her eyes slowly opening in search of the reason for his distance.
Her longing is met with his lustful stare, his eyes shifting left to right rapidly, searching for the same approval, desire and need she can feel in each touch he has placed on her skin since their acceptance just moments earlier. Without delay, her hand slowly rises from her side, her fingertips meeting his red heated cheek and slowly caressing its soft texture, a mannerism she used quite often when trying to convey what mere words could not. Their relationship or friendship as it were was always predicated on the signs, gestures and mannerism and never the words. There were no words that could adequately describe what they felt, the longing, desire and love they endured for one another since they were kids. The held this part of themselves at bay partly in fear of losing a valuable friendship and partly because they never knew loss until the threat of distance became eminent.
This moment, this union represented not only the disappearance of a friendship but the gift of something so sacred it could only be bestowed upon one that is worthy of such a gift. There was no other that deserved such a gift but him, the man that always protected, valued and loved her like no other and this was the one thing she could give him that would show he was and always would be the true love of her life.
"I love you Jake" she whispers as his firm girth fills her, breaking the barrier between friendship and romance on both a physical and emotional level.
His body trembles, the significance of this moment overpowering his will to see it through without words as her body overflows with warmth while he remains firm and motionless within her "I always have and will forever love you Bella" he replies, his body lifting slightly from hers, his eyes showing obvious submission to her, the dark orbs expressing his devotion and love for her fully without the slightest hesitation or hint of regret.
She too felt this way, her lips providing the reciprocation he longs for as her head rises and her moist lips press firmly against his, the power and magnitude so overpowering it took both their breathes away.
The night carried on like this, moments of passion and intimate moments of vocal admiration. The professions of love and devotion scenting the small cabin as their love making carried on into the early morning and their bodies gave in to the mutual exhaustion they both felt.
Before closing their eyes and accepting their body's demands for sleep, they kiss one last time and without reserve and in unison profess "Happy Anniversary."
Flashback Ends
The cold did nothing to deter the tears that once again spilled over onto her frost bitten cheeks. The moments that proceeded this seemingly blissful time in her life were nothing short of horrific. Her actions, unknown to him were done out of sheer fear and selfishness. She left him, alone, without a reason and with no regard for the consequences.
She married Edward that following morning, the pain of her choice eating away at the fake smile she continued to show to her new family and friends during the whole ceremony and reception. She never once flinched or showed any signs of regret but merely hid her transgression deep inside for two very long years of marriage.
At first it was easy to lie, to deny her bed to her husband for obvious reasons. He longed for her blood, a drug of choice he always used to say, so in knowing that, she used it to deny him the very thing she predicated their marriage on. He didn't fight but rather entertained her notion for a while, much longer than she thought possible but eventually even she couldn't hide what her heart truly coveted. Without argument and after long and fruitless discussions, he freed her from her vows and her chance at eternal life.
She often wondered if she was destined to fail, to live a life without the warmth of love and the radiance of her sun. She knew she had no right to ask for forgiveness but rather hoped he might understand that she gave him the only piece of her there was to give. At the time she loved them both and didn't want to live without the heat of sun and the chill of iced prince so this seemed the only compromise, at least that's' what she thought.
She shakes her head while wiping the lingering tears from her face. She didn't deserve forgiveness or him. She knew that now. There was no justification for what she had done to him. She deserved to be alone, to wallow in the pain that was this cruel and unjust act. She was selfish, taking what was meant for a true lover and throwing it away as if it was meaningless and worthless. Why would he return here? To be hurt? To see she was hurting too and forgive her? No, he deserved better, that's why he didn't return and that's why every year for the last three she found herself alone, reliving her past and wallowing in her own self-inflicted depression.
Her hand begins to shake as it reaches for the door, a chilled breeze passing across her chest and her name, so faint it sounded almost illusory, echoing through her ears and causing her to freeze in place and wait to see if she hears it again.
"Bella…you turn your back on me even now?" his soft voice, still masculine and deep but very faint as if it were a ghost speaking and not the object of her desire at all.
"Jake" she whispers in return, her body still stuck in the same position, in almost denial of what she thinks she hears but overjoyed if he would again speak her name even if only to unleash the evil she was due for her rash actions.
After patiently waiting longer than she truly wants too, she turns around to face him. She's surprised to find he was standing much farther off into the forest than his voice indicates however it doesn't matter. Without regard for the lack of proper outdoor attire, she runs bare foot and poorly dressed towards him, desperate to be with him even if it was only a few feet away. As her tiny legs push her through the cold snow, his outline became more and more transparent and farther away only indicating he didn't want her close or maybe he was nothing more than an evil mental trip her mind was playing on her at this vulnerable moment.
After clearing the large open area and no longer having a visual of Jake, she stops just short of the tree line. She calls out to him hoping he will remerge and at least give her the opportunity to speak this one time. The only return noise she hears is her own desperate cries of his name and with them the harsh realization that he didn't come back and she was still utterly alone.
The wind kicks up as she stands there, the chill below freezing and her tender exposed feet earning frost bite with each moment she lingers beneath the deep snow covered ground. As much as she wants to stay and believe this all wasn't a figment of her vivid imagination and that he truly had granted her one last glance at his radiance, she can't deny that in order to indulge in such a luxury if it was to be had, she had to be alive to do so. Reluctantly, she turns her back to the forest and makes the slow trek back to the cabin to get warm. If he did return, he would come to her; he always did, at least for a time.
The cabin was a lot farther away than her eyes perceived it to be and with the wind viciously attacking her semi exposed skin as she made the long trek back to the cabin, her feet become heavier and her body weaker with each passing moment she presses on. Just shy of the cabin entrance, her body gives in to the hypothermia that quickly took hold, her mind rendered unconscious while she lays frigid and almost lifeless on the ice covered snow.
Time was of no consequences as her mind comforts her with images of her childhood, the heat of both the natural sun and her own personal one the only thing keeping her from succumbing to the silent whispers of the grim reaper as he beckons her repeatedly to his dark palace.
She entertains these joyous times, moments in her life when she felt complete and at peace but alas all memories are ushered into darkness just like her reality and she finds herself huddled in a ball amongst complete and utter darkness.
She quivers not from cold but from the feel of complete emptiness with no heat or cold to soothe her. She is utterly and completely alone and her mind succumbs to the simple fact that maybe this was always how she was meant to be. She didn't want to be a burden nor the object of any ones obsession. She wanted to be loved and not for what she could do or what her affections might mean but just for being herself.
As the tears fall and hopelessness replaces every thought in her mind, warmth slowly consumes her body. The feeling of comfort and love flows deeply within her veins and forces her head to rise from within her own embrace, her eyes fluttering as the radiance of the sun is almost blinding to her sight while she struggles to understand how and why it consumes her.
A sense of contentment and joy fills her when she feels his hands around her body, his words still inaudible but the look of concern and love still eminent in his gaze upon her fragile state. For a moment she questions how this could be, how he was here when he seemed nothing but a fading memory just minutes earlier. She is quick to silence her questionable thoughts, the hidden truths behind why and how he was there to save her, unimportant and insignificant in comparison to the joys of finally having him here.
Her lips part to speak but her voice escapes her, its pitch lost to the remnants of her sickly state leaving her only strong enough to mouth the words she so desperately wants to express to the man she waited what seems like an eternity for.
His concerned stare weakens as the back of his hand slowly strokes the side of her cheek. She leans into his affections, his warmth the one thing she longs for most and his touch the only desire she yearns for now. "You could have died out there Bella. What were you thinking?" he questions with concern, his hand never removing from her face as it turns and now his fingertips are gently caressing her hot cheeks.
She knows his question is valid but her heart overshadows her mind and without a delay she leans up and presses her lips to his in desperation. She knows she has no right to beckon for his affections but she finds it hard to hold back knowing this might be her one and only chance to feel him again. She is happily surprised he doesn't reject her but rather gives in to her physical demands; time, circumstance, distance and all other factors that would deter him from her, inconsequential to the longing they felt mutually for one another.
The kiss grows deeper, they bodies melting into one another like two pieces of metal under an intense flame with no escape but to join together as one. Their heated entanglement forces them to fall onto the floor beside the couch, their bodies never losing touch with one another, their hands scouring frantically in desperation as if they could force them to be closer and more intimate than they already were.
A mutual aching moan escapes their lips as he enters her fully; the unity, sense of fulfillment, the absence of longing and solitude all washing away as they remain in their heated embrace and finally join as one. Even with urgency playing a large role in both their minds at this moment, this solo act of pure and utter unconditional love was enough to reignite the fire that had been snuffed so many years ago by one bad judgment. It was as if nothing had changed, like their bodies hadn't forgotten the feel of love and devotion even with time that had passed between them.
"I love you Bella. I never stopped loving you" he whispers in a hasten breath, his body still moving slowly, stroking her internally with the same love she felt beating from his heart.
Tears well in her eyes, her bottom lip quivering as she replies "And I have and always will love you Jake"
There were so many things she needed to say and yet she was so lost in the moment; every thought, confessions and weak apology disappeared as she revels in the moment that was just her and him. She closes her eyes as his lips press softly against hers and his movements within her increase. She could feel her climax rising as his firm member swells within her, stroking all the right pleasure points in just the right ways to make her explode. Within moments, her walls tremble and collapse around him and a tidal wave of pleasure fills them both, their breath lost to the wind and their hearts racing in unison as they tremble within their embrace.
Her eyes remain closed as she takes in the scent of their love, her heart slowing its rhythm and her body relaxing into the comforts of the fur beneath her. Her hands grip his back firmly, her mind longing for proof that this wasn't some sick joke and that his presence there was real. His body shift as he rises up and hovers over her, the sweat from his brow dropping like tiny rain drops onto her closed lids, forcing them to open so she could see he was in fact real.
As her lids slowly open, fear fills her; the thought that this might be a one-time thing, a fulfillment of an anniversary gift like times past was all consuming and pulling on her heart strings like a puppeteer and his marionette. "Bella please…please open your eyes" he pleas, his request so simple and yet so difficult to concede to.
She pools her strength and her eyes slowly open. Her body begins to shake as the chill is quick to return and the face hovering over her is not Jake but Sam. She panics, her arms and legs motionless and all the fear and confusion falling from her eyes in tears as she tries to understand what's going on.
"It's ok Bella. God I thought I lost you. Why did you come out here?" Sam questions, his warm arms offering no other comfort than to heat her frozen limp body.
She wills her muscles to move and yet she can't. Panic and upset force themselves from her chest but again her voice is lost and all she is left with is sadness. She turns her head into his exposed chest, the tears falling like an endless river onto her neck as she cries in silence within his embrace. It was in that moment that she realizes Jake would never come back and this anniversary would be the one above all she would remember.
Sam lifts her in his arms and carries her back into the cabin. Once inside, she notices they were joined Billy, Embry and Quil, the look of concern and fear laced within their concern stare as she peeks at them through her glazed over eyes. This wasn't the comfort she wanted. This wasn't why she came back and although everyone knew what happened, it still didn't lesson the pain she felt when the realization came crashing back at her.
She came to the cabin to relive an anniversary she would always remember and now, with the lack of her true love and soul mate, today would mark a new anniversary, the anniversary of the loss of one Jacob Black.