(A Poem by Okumura Yukio)
.
.
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And so Abel,
now that you have seen my true face,
what will you do?
There is no saving me,
for you never even knew me,
the illusion you held dear,
the model image,
that no one could project so clear as I.
.
.
The brother you knew,
that never was,
is gone from you now.
forever.
.
.
So fight,
until you are black and blue,
until the air has left your lungs
and your throat bleeds
from your screams
to come back to you.
.
.
No dear brother,
you are too late,
but I do not blame you.
we cannot fight fate.
.
.
I am now,
as I have always been.
the plaster that formed my mask
fallen from my face
and I
too tired
to put it back on.
.
.
At war, I have been,
fighting off the darkness in my heart,
the original sin
present in me
since birth.
.
.
I tried to change,
out love for you
or so I told myself.
I wanted to be like you.
I wanted to be better than you.
.
.
Who was I in your Eyes?
Was I beautiful,
dependable,
honest and noble,
someone you understood?
.
.
No wonder you're shocked now,
this is your first time seeing me.
.
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Your love was a burden,
too great for me to bear.
I must forge my own path.
if that path should lead me
to darkness
and
ruin,
so be it.
.
.
It was foolish to think
that we would always be together.
our parting was inevitable.
for I am tired,
too tired to
fight my nature.
.
.
My acceptance
will be my greatest sin,
the one
even you
will not forgive.
.
.
In these twilight hours before dawn brakes
I see your heart,
the dream of a resurrection,
a rebirth
for me
to go back to the form
that was once loved by you,
.
.
As loved as I have both
loved
and
hated
you.