Art of Cannibalism
author: Melby7777
Summary: Zetsu is hungry, but Tobi is no where in sight. Looks like he'll just have to improvise... poor Hidan.
Disclaimer: Akatsuki is owned by Masashi Kishimoto
Note: This was an idea my sempai on deviant art, dreamsborninfire, has given me. I'm not even sure if it's any good...

Zetsu looked at the sky, sighing lightly. Tobi had been missing for the past few days, and he really needed to get something to eat. Well, someone…

But without the idiot, the two toned man had no one to find his… "food" for him. He was beginning to think about improvising with the Akatsuki members, but Pein would have his head if he did. Not his fault though; he was hungry and wanted food.

Thinking a little bit more on it, Zetsu came to a conclusion. He'd have his meal soon, specifically a particularly annoying Jashinist…

Hidan growled at the miser across from him. "Kakuzu, just fucking pass me the salt and I'll fucking shut up!"

"It's right next to you, Hidan! Get it yourself!" Kakuzu yelled back, standing from his seat to take care of his plate. Hidan grumbled, reaching for the salt once the banker was gone. He sighed when he realized that he didn't really need the salt anyway…

A noise from behind him drew Hidan from his thoughts, and the albino looked back. "Oh… hey Zetsu…" He murmured, looking back to his food sadly.

The two toned man smirked at how open his prey was. "Hello… food…" Hidan didn't move at that second word.

"I'm sorry, what was that…?" Hidan asked, turning around again.

"Oh nothing…" Zetsu muttered while his grin widened as he fully came up from the floor. Hidan stood from his seat, gulping a little. "Don't be afraid… I'm just going to eat you…"

Hidan's eyes widened as he back into the table, sprawling out on top of it. "Stay back…!"

Zetsu chuckled as he advanced on the Jashinist, Hidan shaking with fear. He crawled backwards on the tabletop, his hands moving everywhere on the surface for something to use. Hidan finally found something he could employ…

"Take this…!" The albino screamed, throwing the pepper shaker forward, the cap coming off and pepper flying out towards the cannibal's face. Zetsu's golden eyes widened, pepper quickly entering them and making him stop in his advancement.

Hidan smirked, turning on the table and jumping off the other side as the dual man began screaming from the pepper in his eyes. As quickly as Hidan could, he ran from the room and out of the base. And away from Zetsu.

Zetsu grumbled, looking around himself as he stalked through the forest outside of the base. Hidan's footprints in the mud from the rain had led him from the base to the forest, but the tracks had stopped there; fresh rain had begun to fall, and all traces of the albino were gone.

He really hated hunting for his own food; normally Tobi would do it. Then again, Zetsu hadn't had a good hunt in a while; maybe this would be fun…

On that thought, Zetsu cackled lightly. "Oh Hidan…" He called out. "Come out come out wherever you are…" A noise from within trees behind him made the cannibal to slowly sink into the ground, and seconds later only his two toned face emerging from the trunk.

Hidan sat on the branch, frantically looking around, and his brow heavy with sweat. Zetsu smirked, his arm cautiously reached from out of the tree, his hand resting on the masochist's shoulder. Hidan tensed, slowly turning his head to look at Zetsu.

The human plant was fully emerging from the tree, Hidan frozen in place. By the time Hidan actually blinked, Zetsu was directly next to him, the plant around his head widening as he leaned towards the immortal. The Jashinist screamed bloody murder.

Kakuzu thought he'd never see the day that Hidan was afraid of getting hurt. But when his partner had run into their room, sweating and covered in cuts with fear in his mauve eyes, Kakuzu began to think it really was possible.

"Dumb ass, you have got to help me!" Hidan panted, clinging to his older partner's back. Kakuzu twitched from the touch, not liking this bit of contact. "Zetsu is trying to eat me!"

This had gained the miser's attention. Kakuzu turned around in his chair, away from all finances and stared down at his albino partner. "Why should I help you…?"
Hidan's purple eyes widened, shining from the light of Kakuzu's lamp, making him look like a lost puppy begging for help. "Please Kakuzu…"

The look in Kakuzu's annoyed expression didn't change one bit. He growled and glanced to the door.

Minutes later, Hidan was chucked out of the room by his partner's foot. "Leave me alone, Hidan!"

The albino sat in the hallway, staring at the door as it slammed in his face. Hidan sat there for a moment longer before he stood and walked away, fuming the entire time.

As of so far, Hidan has asked every member to help him, Kakuzu being the last. The cuts were not from Zetsu, but from Konan because he had walked in on her while she was in the bath.

Hidan had figured out why Zetsu was trying to eat him; the cannibal hasn't had food in a while and Tobi wasn't around to fetch the food for him. So the minute Hidan saw the orange masked ninja walk into the base, the masochist clung to him.

"Tobi, please go get some fucking food for Zetsu before he eats me!"

Tobi stared at Hidan for a moment before nodding his head. Hidan got off of the masked man, watching him turn and leave. He stopped just before the door, turning to look back at the Jashinist. "Oh yeah, Hidan-san; Tobi was told to let you know there's a safe place away from Zetsu-san in the garden."

Hidan narrowed his eyes at Tobi. "Isn't that where Zetsu lives…?"

Tobi paused, not saying anything for the next few moments. Finally, he shakes his head. "Zetsu-san said he's in the forest for the rest of the day, looking for you!" With that, Tobi leaves the base in search of 'food' for Zetsu. Hidan watches the door close behind the idiot before turning to head out the back and into the garden.

This proved to be a huge mistake for the albino, because the minute he was out there.

"OH MY FUCKING JASHIN, GET IT OFF!" Hidan screamed into the Venus fly trap surrounding his head.

A match was lit then and Hidan began to hyperventilate at the face he saw before him. "Why… Hello Hidan…" Zetsu murmured, his sadistic grin growing. Hidan froze, only his eye twitched a little.

Taking a deep breath, Hidan was able to say one thing.

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

His red and green colored eyes narrowed when he walked back to his room. The sight on the bed couldn't be real, and Kakuzu wouldn't believe it. "Hidan… are you sitting in the fetal position… and covered in slime?"

Hidan's amethyst eyes slowly looked over at Kakuzu, wide with shock and his whole body shook. "I've been places… I never wanted to go to…"

"And that is…?"

The masochist gulped lightly, slowly looking away again. "Zetsu's mouth… is very large…"

Kakuzu took a moment to figure out what Hidan meant by that. After putting two and two together, he finally realized what had happened. "Ew… go take a shower…"

Zetsu smirked at the shorter man. "What is it that you brought me this time, Tobi?"

"Well, not Hidan-san of course." Tobi replied, handing the two body sacks over to the dual personality man. "Tobi brought you two travelers he ran into on the way back!"

The two toned face scrunched up from the sinister smile. Zetsu reached out, took the bags and patted the orange masked man on the head. "Tobi is a very, very good boy…"