Kakashi
I went for a walk today.
I interacted with a few people and promptly forgot their names and faces as soon as I got home.
Is that how it is for everyone? Blind to everything but that which concerns only themselves and their immediate area and well-being? Willing to forget anything unpleasant or ordinary for the sake of sanity?
Cycles and cycles...I was like this before. I thought things like this before and dreamed of a world where I wasn't who I am now. I pulled myself up from that road to a place where I was happy for a good while.
And now, I'm all too easily slipping into that place where I was before. I find myself falling into that pit, digging myself deeper into depression and sadness and isolation.
I hide because it's easy...and I'm a coward. I let go too soon. Because it hurts less if I say I don't care than to ask why you don't care enough.
Some say I should be over this sadness. I'm too old for that silliness, they say. They say that I should work through the depression and lose myself in those pursuits in which I find joy.
But they don't tell me what to do when the things I found joy in no longer bring me to that state of emotion.
Idle hands are the Devil's plaything...
If that's true, then my Devil is whispering things to me. She plants seeds of doubt into my mind and feeds off of my fears and insecurities.
"No one wants you," she whispers as she strokes my hair. "Or if they do, it's only for a while. Only until they get to know you."
Each whisper, each doubt, cracks a little more of my heart; breaks a little more of my spirit. Until I am empty, that Devil will not rest.
If I was stronger, I would fight. If I was more confident, I would turn this depression around. I would smile like I used to and be content (if not happy).
I was content once.