Note! Attempted suicide trigger ahead. Nothing too crazy though(I don't think!)
"Katniss." Came a distant and insistent voice from the forest behind her. It was a warm day, dry unlike any she'd ever lived to see in District 12, and she'd decided to go to the lake to freshen up, but after a long walk, she ended up wandering down the river instead, going all the way to the waterfall where she stood dangerously close the precipice, doing nothing but stare at the huge flow of water running wild next to her. Lost in a place deep inside her head, she was unable to tell if the voice she'd heard was real, if it belonged to anyone, or if it was just the sound of the water crashing down below, or an animal running nearby, or the wind hitting the trees on the forest.
It was like the abyss below her had invaded her mind, taking over her consciousness, making it difficult for her to think of anything else. She could only feel, but what she did feel wasn't pleasant, it wasn't safe, and she was stuck in the emptiness of her pain. 'My name is Katniss Everdeen...' she tried, but this time it didn't help.
Truth be told, the abyss might have been the one calling out to her. It would make sense. Down there the pain would cease to exist.
"Katniss. Katniss." She heard again and again, but she didn't move. The view down below overwhelmed all of her senses. All she had to do was take two steps forward and...
Her heart started beating faster, and for a moment she could barely breathe. Her body had entered a state of deep agitation, her vision became blurry, and she had to close her eyes to make the world stop spinning, but she could still feel it, she could still feel herself losing her balance, she could feel herself back in the spinning arena again, she could almost feel herself falling.
Two steps...
"Katniss." Someone grabbed her hand, immediately taking her out of her panic attack, immediately scaring her, but she wasn't afraid because of the person behind her. Two steps forward... she couldn't believe her life had come to this, and she couldn't believe she was deserving of anyone being there for her.
She turned around, taking her hand back in such a robotic and abrupt manner that made it obvious that the hand holding hers was not one she wanted any contact with, that it wasn't one that offered her any kind of comfort. "What do you want, Gale?" Her voice? Forget it, it sounded foreign, but so did everything about this situation: this was the first time since she'd seen Gale in a really long time; Gale wasn't there alone; Johanna was there too, close to the safety of the trees and far away from the river as she could get. Yes, that was definitely foreign, but not as much as the fact that, as far as she could remember, Gale and Johanna never really got along.
Gale didn't respond, though, he looked over at Johanna for support, and it was her who nonchalantly said: "For you not to do something stupid."
"Like what?" Katniss answered before she could stop herself.
"I don't know, brainless, like going for a swim on the worst fucking place ever? I know it's hot and all, but let's not get drastic here."
It was hot, Katniss thought. Hot enough to jump in without thinking of the consequences. She laughed in spite of herself, but didn't say anything else. She wasn't sure what she could say, anyway. They went back home without another word, Katniss walking next to Johanna, and Gale a few feet behind the two of them.
The fact that Gale was there at all became an important topic of conversation(if anyone could call it that) a day later.
"Why Gale?" Katniss asked.
Johanna shrugged. "Peeta wasn't available."
She didn't accept that answer, Johanna knew how she felt about Gale, she knew she did everything she could do avoid him, she knew she didn't want to see him again. Still, Katniss didn't ask again until the next day, and then the next, and the next... until, eventually, during lunch, Johanna, tired of being questioned and of having to repeat the same thing each time, said very slowly, and very coldly, "Do you have some kind of memory problem?" She didn't roll her eyes, she didn't look amused.
"Why did you bring Gale with you? Why not Haymitch, or..." Katniss repeated the question, copying Johanna's body language.
"Haymitch is actually in 4, visiting Annie and the baby."
"Oh." Katniss couldn't say anything to that. She didn't know Haymitch was away. Living in this protective shell she created with Johanna meant she did not do much or interact with anyone else outside of it. She didn't know how to, and frankly, she wasn't even sure how she managed to interact with Johanna on most days. "And Peeta... was unavailable."
This time Johanna actually rolled her eyes.
They'd been living together for almost a year, but there had never been this much tension between them. They had argued and fought before, but this didn't feel like an argument or a fight. Johanna had never been this patient with her, not only that, Katniss had never openly tried to get something out of Johanna when she knew she didn't want to talk. More importantly, Katniss had never been more angry... all she had to do was think about those two fucking steps.
"You knew that I would never be able to save you there. So, if putting an end to your own life is what you really wanted to do, you picked the perfect fucking spot."
"I wasn't trying to kill myself!" Katniss protested.
"Of course not, brainless. But don't tell me you were there to enjoy the view."
"I was just -"
"Anyway, it would be just another thing to add to the list of things you owe bread boy."
"What is that supposed to mean?" Katniss thought she should be offended for herself and for Peeta, maybe, but she couldn't even understand what Johanna was telling her.
"If I asked him for help he would have gladly saved you, and once you realised that's what he did, you'd feel even worse about it."
Katniss needed a moment to process that, but then, thanks to Johanna who got up and walked out of the house without an explanation, she didn't exactly have to process it, and perhaps it was better that way.
Everything got worse after that, they never once mentioned the conversation that started it all, which was probably why everything became a good enough reason to pick a fight, and Katniss, who was in no emotional shape to handle any of it(two steps...), was the first one to crack.
They'd been ruthless to each other time and time again, never apologising, and she started thinking that this had been Johanna's plan all along, that she would never change, that all she would ever do was give her a false sense of security only to bring her down completely. She started remembering everything Johanna had ever done to her during the games and during their stay at 13 when it all came crashing around her at once, and in the worst possible way. She became incredibly wary of the other woman, sharing meals was specially tough, because her mind could only ever concentrate on the fact that Johanna had a knife on her hand.
As for hunting together, well, Katniss gave up on that altogether because she couldn't trust Johanna with an axe.
She completely lost it one night when she woke up after a bad dream and found that Johanna wasn't asleep next to her, she wasn't there to hold her and offer her comfort and warmth. She went down the stairs slowly and silently, wondering where she was, and what was going on, and the instant she saw Johanna on the couch with her axe, Katniss had a vision, and she reacted before she could think about what she was doing.
In a matter of seconds, she had grabbed her bow and had an arrow pointed directly at Johanna's head, ready to fire at any moment.
Silent as Katniss tried to be, Johanna had obviously heard the movements, but she hadn't yet seen Katniss behind her, so she said: "Nightmare, brainless." She glanced over her shoulder, finally seeing an impassive Katniss standing there, pointing an arrow at her. It didn't register in Katniss's head the hint of surprise and hurt that crossed Johanna's face, it didn't even register to her that she wasn't truly in danger - she didn't think about Johanna's nightmares and how they were so bad sometimes that she had to roam the entire house and the whole village to make sure everything was okay.
She didn't put down her bow, but then again, Johanna also didn't let go of her axe, she gripped it like her life depended on it, and at that moment, it did.
They stared at each other in the darkness for what felt like hours, neither of them moving, more than aware that any movements could easily mean the end of everything. As victors, they had learned to never hesitate, but as lovers, the muscles in their bodies reacted in a very different way.
"You need to leave." Katniss mumbled.
Johanna didn't try to fight it. It was like she knew this moment would come someday, and Katniss hated her for that. She dropped her bow and went back upstairs, defeated.
She might as well have shot an arrow through her own heart.