Note: My extremely anti-Twilight friend Emma wrote this. Don't be offended by this, this is a joke and has nothing to do with my personal views. Remember; this is my account and I'm free to post what I want. I did not write this. Please drop a review (for Emma's sake)! New SOE chapter up ASAP.
The Ballad of Bella Swan
or
A Twilight Summary
Once a human, now vampire queen
Inheritor of the clumsiness gene
Wish to live forever eighteen
Very friendly with the drug morphine
It's tough being me, Bella Swan.
My boyfriend, Ed Cullen's a "real" vampire
Who has a most peculiar desire
For the blood and skin like fire
Of the humble, homely, and dire
Human girl named Bella Swan.
In book one, kidnapped by a tracker
Future looking black then blacker
Put my arm right to his smacker
Bitten with venom by said attacker
Oh! The woes of me, Bella Swan.
But! Thank God! I get saved
My evil stalker forever enslaved
In the depths of Hell's last pit, I'm engraved
Into a new hospital that I've braved
Lucky me, young human Bella Swan.
But about my boyfriend, the immortal pedophile
He sparkles and angsts and wears posh argyle
And, in book two, goes into exile
While hoping to save me and being so vile
To me, the poor Bella Swan.
Falling in love with a werewolf to help me carry on
When the rest of my sanity is good and gone
I hallucinate in danger for what feels like an eon
And (for once!) don't have to worry about using a tampon
But life still sucks for me, Bella Swan.
Wait! Alas! Poor Eddie's in need
Psychic Alice and I fly to Italy at high-speed
To save suicidal Ed and then plead
For him to return to save me on his steed
Oh! Pray for the heroin(e), Bella Swan!
But wait, we can't go home, the Volturi claim
Who (as I've not mentioned) are vampire lords in their name
But have the strength just the same
As Eddie and Alice (though one sets your mind aflame)
It's so confusing being Bella Swan.
After twenty pages or so we return
To America as my stomach starts to churn
If Eddie leaves me my heart will burn
And tell his secret so he will learn
That NO ONE leaves the adored Bella Swan.
Oh yes! He doesn't! Instead, I suppose
He gets angry when I put my immortality on the line and on its' toes
While I blab on and on and on with prose
To find he'll change me if he can propose
To be engaged to me, Bella Swan.
Finally, somewhere near the end of book three
I find my lost mind and simultaneously agree
To be the wife of my dear Eddie
If, in fact, he will change me
Into the immortal Bella Swan.
Well, all of book three is angst and doubt
While the vamps and the wolves quarrel and bout
And I sit back and whine and pick grout
And in the end, ultimately freak out
When the fiancé kills someone after me, Bella Swan.
Now, book four, we anxiously await
The wedding set to an earlier date
The honeymoon scene not a moment too late
Will he kill me? Will I live? It's all up to fate
The vampire sexing me, Bella Swan.
Who would've guessed that I'd conceive
A hybrid baby that Ed wants to retrieve
From my open and bloody cleave
So I call up Rosalie to grieve
About the proposed death of the baby Bella Swan.
Now it switches to Jacob's view
The world of a werewolf exciting and new
If angst and whining doesn't bother you
Because we'll find out about him what really is true
Hooray! The focus is on Bella Swan.
After a bunch of crap complaint
Jacob and pregnant Bella reacquaint
Bella getting sick and awfully faint
In the Cullen house covered in white paint
Oh dear! What is the fate of Bella Swan?
While preggo Bella thirsts for blood
Jacob's view of the world is turned to mud
While he goes on and on about crud
And the Cullens just sit and chew the cud
Of the future of (now) sickly Bella Swan.
When Bella's thirst is finally filled
The heat of the horror finally chilled
And the baby's thoughts are heard and thrilled
A tiny drop of blood is spilled
That induces the labor of Bella Swan.
Thank God Edward will save the day
He eats out the baby so we can say
"It's a girl! Named Renesmee!"
And Jacob imprints while Bella's mortality is on delay
What will happen to our brave Bella Swan?
Now Bella is back in the spotlight
So we can hear about the poor girl's immortal fight
And how she isn't screaming with pain or fright
Ooh! She woke up! The world is bright!
Welcome, now immortal Bella Swan.
Now Edward takes me out to hunt
My newborn thirst surprisingly dormant
I pig out on animals like a mutant
And run AWAY from a human that would affront
The spotless image of Bella Swan.
Since I'm golden I'm allowed to see
My baby who looks a lot like me
Except much, much more pretty
And apparently Jacob's imprintee
Oh! It SUCKS to be me, Bella Swan.
After I wrestle Jacob and Seth for a while
I finally remember how to smile
And time flies by the paragraph with shit writing style
Alice finds the time to file
A new horror for me, Bella Swan.
Apparently I've broken a vampire rule
But really it's just a virgule
Renesmee's not full vamp (that is Volturi fuel)
To start a fight, such horror! How cruel!
But of course I'll win, I'm Bella Swan.
We gather up witnesses from here and from there
Even ones to pop right from thin air
And find out my power, mind blocking flair
And win the (non)fight like a stallion loves a mare
For I am the great Bella Swan!
Thus ends the story, farewell, my friend
But wait! The horror doesn't just end!
Edward's point is coming out for the bend
This all is making my poor brain distend
I guess we'll never see the death of Bella Swan.
Again, written by my friend Emma for English class. She got an A-. :) I love Emma. She's hilarious. She calls me by my middle name. Please, tell me what you think and I will pass it on to her. SOE chapter coming soon! OH! I'm going to Forks this weekend. I'm excited!
I love reviews. Especially on Secrets of Eternity.
-Monny