Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings therein. They are the sole creative property of SquareEnix. I do however own my insanity and perversity. I gain no profit from this endeavor, I will however eventually gain carpal tunnel syndrome.
Title: Smoke 'em if You Got 'em (Four Twenty)
Warnings: CRACK! OCC-ness, language… drug use.
Stars: Sephiroth, Zack and Cloud.
Smoke 'em if You Got 'em
"Zachary," Sephiroth looked at the ravenette questioningly. Zack Fair, SOLDIER 1st Class had commandeered the General's office and was now sitting behind the desk huddled over what looked to Sephiroth to be kitchen herbs. "What is the meaning of this? You're making a mess on my desk," he frowned.
"Relax Big Guy," Zack said as he flashed him a bright smile. "Cloud and I are about to spark this shit and you," he pointed to Sephiroth, "are taking a hit off of this."
Sephiroth looked around the room and finally noticed the lanky blonde that was lounging on his couch. The General stared at the cadet until the blonde shifted to sit properly. Satisfied that at least someone in his office would observe proper etiquette and manners, he returned his attention to Zack.
"Spark this? Take a hit? What are you saying?"
Zack waved away Sephiroth's questions as he took a razor blade and cut the length of one of Sephiroth's expensive Costa Del Solian cigars. Moving the sliced cigar over the wastebasket, Zack dumped the guts of it out, the rich smelling tobacco fell in a waterfall of shades of brown.
"Zack here has the bright idea that you should try smoking marijuana. He thinks it will lighten you up," Cloud spoke up. When he felt Sephiroth's glare and pictured the man ripping him to shreds with his bare hands he quickly squeaked a "Sir!" before trying to sink into the couch and disappearing.
"Zackary, you know drug use is not condoned here…"
Zack held up a hand stalling Sephiroth's rant. He finished licking the seam closed on the now re-rolled cigarillo. "Seph, seriously just chill. We're taking this blunt to the head and that's final," the brunette snapped as he wiggled his lighter out of his pocket. Placing the object between his lips, he crossed his eyes as he stared at the hand-rolled protruding from his mouth and moved the flame from his lighter towards it. Sucking in air a few times, the 1st Class pulled the item out of his mouth and turned the burning side towards him to check that it was completely lit.
"Okay, Spiky come take a hit," Zack urged. When Cloud was close enough Zack pulled the cigar out of the shorter man's reach and wagged his finger in the blonde's face. "Remember its 'Puff, puff, pass'. No 'bogarting' that shit," he chided.
Sephiroth stood there as he watched Cloud inhale deeply and hold his breath before the cadet began to violently cough. The General stepped forward to offer assistance but Zack's laughter gave him pause. He looked from the 1st to the cadet and saw that both were smiling.
"This is some grade-a shit, Zack. What the hell is this?" Cloud asked in a strained and hoarse voice.
"Reno has a connect down in the slums of Sector 7," Zack supplied in an equally hoarse voice.
After Cloud's second turn he faced the Great General and held out the now half smoked blunt. Sephiroth eyed the object, he was wary of using any type of narcotics. Hojo had warned him that any slight changes to his chemical balance could result in disaster for himself and those around him. It was one of the reasons why the young General never imbibed in liquor often, usually only having a single glass of wine during dinner.
Seeing the discomfort radiating off of the General, Zack sobered up a little bit and addressed his superior.
"It's alright Seph. I don't want to pressure you into doing something you don't want to. Just, it's not like smoking this will cause you to lose your mind and burn down a village or anything."
Seeing that as a reprieve Sephiroth nodded to the two men and turned to head out the door of his office, before he left he order Zack to have the smell removed from his office by the time he came back.
"Eh, it was worth a shot," Zack commented to Cloud. "I dunno bout you but I'm fucking starving."
"Me too. I could go for pizza. Hmm, maybe tacos. Oh, oh dude ice cream!"
"Dude! All of the above," Zack cheered as he finished off the cigarillo and grabbed Cloud's wrist dragging them out of the office towards the cafeteria.
Two weeks later in Nibelheim…
"Are you going to be smoking that… stuff again, Zackary?" Sephiroth questioned disdainfully.
"Yup," Zack said cheerfully as he pulled out his glass pipe. "You sure you don't want to try it?"
Sephiroth thought it over for a moment. He did say that depending on the outcome of this mission he would probably leave ShinRa so; it wouldn't hurt to just try it, a little bit right? Right.
"As a matter of fact, I do," he said as he sat down on the bed with Zack.
…And the rest, as they say, is history.
Morale of this story? Drugs are bad, mkay!
A/N: I should say I don't advocate drug use but I couldn't resist the chance to write this. My apologies.
Reno: Why the hell am I the drug dealer?
Do you really need to ask that?
Reno: Fuck you, yo!
Heehee.