This story follows my previous story, "Kagami Gets Stoned." Therefore, Konata x Kagami is canon in this continuity. Enjoy!
Muhammad Sulaiman Rashid
Tomoko Gets Stoned
The only thing Tomoko hated worse than being alone was when her brother, Tomoki, wasn't alone too. He had invited over some of his friends from his soccer team. They were probably going to talk about stupid things, like cars, or whichever airheaded bimbo they were crushing on now. Probably. Tomoko didn't know, and she didn't want to know. She put on her headphones and thought about what visual novel she wanted to play.
And that's when she smelled it.
"What is that? It's pungent!" thought Tomoko. "Is that loser smoking cigarettes? Hmm… I hope he is. Maybe then I can blackmail him into doing all my chores. But no… something's off."
Tomoko was at a loss until her brother started shouting.
"What are you doing, idiot? Put it out!" said Tomoki.
"Chill man, your parents aren't even home," said his friend.
"I don't care. The AC is on right now, and the smell is gonna stink up the house," said Tomoki.
"Alright, have it your way," said his friend.
"Honestly man, sometimes I don't understand you," said Tomoki. "If you get caught, you could get kicked off the team."
"I know, I know," said his friend. "Just give it a rest already."
"Let's go somewhere else," said Tomoki. "It reeks in here now."
"No way. It can't be. It's weed!" thought Tomoko.
Tomoko had never seen anyone smoke weed before, but she had read all about it. She knew about how all the most hardcore people smoked weed, and how in America, smoking weed made you one of the cool kids. If Tomoko smoked weed, she could build up a reputation. Not only would people think she was cool, they would fear her, too.
She imagined walking down the hall and bumping into some girl from her class. "S-Sorry, Tomoko-chan," she would say. "Please don't hurt me. I'll have my boyfriend go out with you for a week."
"Now's my chance!" thought Tomoko. "I just have to wait for my brother and his loser friends to leave. Then I can get the joint out of the trash and smoke it for myself. Once I start smoking weed, I'll be popular for sure!"
Tomoki and his friends left. Tomoko walked into his room. It smelled like air freshener. She went to his garbage can and started rummaging through it. She found the joint. It was stained and smelled disgusting, but it looked mostly intact.
"Great, now all I need is a lighter," thought Tomoko. "I guess I'll get one from my dad's room."
But then Tomoko heard the door open.
"Tomoko! Tomoki! I'm back."
It was her mother. Tomoko froze.
"Oh no," thought Tomoko. "Now how am I going to search their room for the lighter without looking suspicious? Wait, I've got it!"
Tomoko walked downstairs.
"Hi mom! Tomoki went out with his friends. Don't mind me, I'm just going to clean you and dad's room, alright?" said Tomoko.
"Umm… alright," said her mom.
"Yup. Just cleaning your room. Thoroughly. I'm trying to be a more helpful daughter and all."
"Okay," said her mom.
Tomoko ran to their room and slammed the door.
"Whew, that was a close one!" she thought. "Good thing my quick thinking saved the day. Okay… now where is that lighter?"
Tomoko opened her father's bedside table.
"Oh. It's right there," she thought.
She grabbed it and went to her room.
"Okay… well here goes," she thought, lighting up the joint.
Tomoko inhaled, held her breath, and began coughing immediately. She took another hit and the same thing happened again. That's when she realized that the weed was burning quickly.
"How fast is this thing burning!?" thought Tomoko. "If I smoke it all as fast as I can, I'm going to suffocate!"
But smoke it all Tomoko did.
"I feel disgusting," thought Tomoko. "There was definitely tobacco in there, too. How long does this take to kick in, anyway?"
And then it hit her.
"Huh, I feel warm and tingly," thought Tomoko. "Is this it? Kind of overrated, if you ask me."
And then it got stronger.
"Why does the AC sound different? I can notice all the sounds. Everything seems to be slowing down," thought Tomoko. "Wait. The AC is still on! Mom is going to smell the weed! What do I do!?"
Tomoko began to panic. And with every second, the panic got worse. Everything started to sound alien and scary. She began to have a hard time understanding what she was seeing, even though she could see it clearly. Then Tomoko began to cry.
"What am I going to do? How long is this going to last? I'm scared!" she thought. "Mom!" she yelled. "Mom! Help me!"
Tomoko's mom walked into her room.
"What's the matter?" she asked.
"M-Mom, help me," said Tomoko. "I'm sorry. I smoked some weed."
Tomoko's mom chewed her out.
"What are you, stupid?" she said. "Where did you get this stuff, anyway?"
"T-Tomoki's friend," she whimpered. "He left it in the trash."
Tomoko's mom sighed. "I can't believe you. To tell you the truth, I don't know what to do right now. Just lie in bed while I text your brother."
"No! Please don't do that!" said Tomoko.
"Too bad," said Tomoko's mom. "Maybe next time you should think these things through."
Tomoko lied in bed for the next hour. Her mother brought her water and told her to stay hydrated. She felt a little better, but she was still definitely stoned.
"Tomoki says you should be okay," said her mom. "So go out and get these groceries for me. I forgot to pick them up."
"B-But mom," said Tomoko. "I still feel terrible."
"I don't want to hear it," she said. "You said you wanted to be a helpful daughter, right? Then be one."
Tomoko sighed. "Stupid Tomoki must be trying to get back at me," she thought. She took the list and headed out.
Tomoko decided to walk to a Book-Off.
"There's no way I'm sober enough to do any shopping right now," she thought. "I'll just read some manga until I'm feeling better."
Tomoko pulled out a volume of One Piece and started reading it.
"What? This doesn't make any sense!" thought Tomoko. "Oh… I'm reading the Skypeia arc… maybe that's why."
She put the volume back and grabbed an earlier one. When she opened the book, the first thing she saw was a picture of Buggy, the killer clown.
"Ah!" she yelped.
Everyone in the aisle turned to look at her.
"Are you alright?" asked a man who had been reading.
Tomoko froze. "Oh no. I've been found out," she thought. "They totally know I'm stoned. They can probably even smell it on me. I'm going to get locked up. My life is ruined! What should I say?"
The man just started reading again.
"Prison life narrowly avoided," thought Tomoko. "I think I'm going to read something more relaxing. How about Azumanga Daioh?"
As Tomoko walked to get the book, she brushed past somebody.
"Woah. That felt good," thought Tomoko. "I kind of want to try it again. But what do I do? If they catch me, they're going to think I'm some sort of pervert. Wait. I know. I'll just pretend I'm going to look at other manga. That way I can go back and forth as many times as I want."
Tomoko carried out her plan. She walked back and forth, pulling out tankōbon, pretending to read them briefly, and brushing past the guy standing between the volumes. But the third time, Tomoko messed up and bumped into him.
"Oh, excuse me," said the man. He had long bangs that covered one of his eyes. "Have you been trying to get my attention? When I read Gintama, I get totally absorbed."
"He's totally hot!" thought Tomoko. "What do I say? I'm going to scare him off!"
Tomoko started shaking.
"Uh… uh… no… that's fine," said Tomoko.
"I'm sorry, I can't hear you," said the man. "Can you repeat yourself?" He leaned in closer to her.
Tomoko's eyes widened and her hair stood up. "No way! Too close for comfort. I can't take this!"
She ran out of the store as quickly as she could.
"Aww, I must have scared her off," thought the man. "What a shame. She was kind of cute too. I guess I'm never gonna find a girlfriend."
Tomoko was sobering up. She decided to go to the grocery store. When she got there she walked into the candy aisle. The Pocky that she wanted was at the opposite end. As Tomoko began walking, a girl with long blue hair showed up and began browsing the selection. Tomoko froze.
"Oh no. Oh no. I think I know that girl," said Tomoko. "What should I do? I haven't spoken to her in years. Should I just go up to her and take what I need quickly, and pretend not to recognize her? Or should I say hi? Or maybe I should just turn around and leave altogether? What if she makes eye contact? What should I say? What should I do!?"
"Oh, hey Mokocchi!" said the girl.
"H-Hi," said Tomoko.
"I haven't seen you since middle school! It's me, Konata, remember?"
"Yes," said Tomoko.
"How are you doing?" asked Konata.
"I'm doing fine, I suppose," said Tomoko.
"That's good. What did you come to buy?" asked Konata.
"G-groceries," said Tomoko. "And… Pocky."
"Ah, me too! My girlfriend eats them by the truckload," said Konata.
"Did she say girlfriend!?" thought Tomoko. "No way. She's unlocked the secret of pure girl love! Am I the only one from middle school who is still this pathetic?"
"Speaking of Pocky, that reminds me," said Konata. "Do you still watch anime? I'm following quite a few shows this season."
Tomoko smiled. Maybe Konata hadn't become so different after all. "Yeah," said Tomoko. "Have you been watching Attack on Titan?"
"Of course I have! Isn't it exciting?" said Konata. "It's rare to see an anime that has the guts to kill off so many characters."
"Not to mention that Levi is totally hot," said Tomoko.
"Hmm, Levi is cool, but I think I prefer Armin!" said Konata. "I hope he takes the spotlight in later episodes."
Tomoko was enjoying herself. It was rare for her to get to talk to anyone in person about anime besides Yu. Why did she and Konata ever drift apart?
"Say, Mokocchi, would you like to come over to my house to play videogames?" asked Konata. "It could be just like old times."
Tomoko was caught off-guard. "Yes! That would be great," she said. "Oh no…"
"What's the matter?" asked Konata.
"I just remembered, I still have to buy groceries and drop them off at my house," said Tomoko.
"No problem," said Konata. "Just give me your cellphone number. I'll text you my address."
Tomoko and Konata took out their cellphones.
"Oh hey, cute keychain!" said Konata. "Is that Opoona?"
Tomoko was surprised that she recognized him. But then she remembered who she was dealing with. She smiled and nodded.
"Check out my phone's wallpaper," said Konata.
It was a picture of Haruhi sticking out her tongue.
"Haruhi, a true classic," said Tomoko. "Much better than the derivative moe trash that followed."
"Hmm, I'm not sure why, but for some reason that statement bugs me," thought Konata. "Well, take care! See you tonight!"
"Bye," said Tomoko. She smiled and walked away.
When Tomoko got home, she dropped off the groceries and tried to leave.
"Where do you think you're going?" asked Tomoko's mom.
"Umm… I'm going out," said Tomoko.
"No you're not. Not after today," said her mom.
"But mom… I'm going to see a friend," said Tomoko.
"I don't care," said Tomoko's mom. "You should be in big trouble. You're lucky I'm not telling your dad about what you did today. Just go to your room and play videogames like you always do."
Tomoko sighed. She walked into her room and threw herself on her pillow. Why did things always end badly when she tried to have fun? Why did jerks like her brother and his friends get all the attention? Why was she only desirable in dating sims? Her problems were toppling each other over in a downward spiral of self-loathing.
Tomoko was about to text Konata that she couldn't come over when her mother walked in.
"Tomoko… when you said you were going out to see a friend today, did you mean to see Yu?" she asked.
"No," said Tomoko. "I meant a new friend. Or well, an old friend. Her name is Konata."
"A new friend?" said her mom.
"Yes," said Tomoko.
Tomoko's mom hesitated for a moment. Then she sighed.
"Okay… just go," she said.
"What? You really mean it?" asked Tomoko.
"Yes," said her mom. "I'm not happy about what you did today. But hopefully you learned your lesson."
"Yeah," said Tomoko. "Thanks mom!"
Tomoko ran out the door. Her mom hadn't seen her that happy in a long time. She hoped this would be good for her.
Tomoko arrived at Konata's house. She rang the doorbell. Konata's dad, Sojiro, opened the door.
"H-Hi, nice to meet you again…" muttered Tomoko.
"Oh! And who might you be?" asked Sojiro.
"That's Tomoko, my old friend from middle school!" said Konata. "Remember? Mokocchi!"
"Oh, yes, I remember," said Sojiro. "Nice to see you again! Make yourself at home!"
Konata suppressed a laugh. "Usually dad makes some lewd comment about my friends, but this time he didn't say anything."
Konata took Tomoko to her room.
"You had me worried there, for a second I thought you weren't going to make it," said Konata, setting up her PS3. "What game do you want to play?"
"How about a fighting game?" asked Tomoko. She could never beat Konata when they were younger. But now Tomoko was the best she knew. She looked forward to seeing if Konata could still put up a fight.
"Sounds good," said Konata. "Let's play Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3."
When Konata booted up the game, Tomoko got excited.
"This is gonna be great!" she said. "I'll choose Phoenix Wright."
"Underestimating me, hmm? Phoenix Wright is bottom tier," said Konata. "Or maybe you're overestimating yourself?"
"I-It's nothing like that!" said Tomoko.
"Relax! I'm just kidding," said Konata.
Konata picked Chun-Li. They played five matches. Tomoko won three of them.
"I can't believe it!" thought Tomoko. "I beat her! I won! I beat Konata! I'm the champion! But wait… If I'm finally good enough to beat Konata… Does that mean I'm an even bigger loser than I was in middle school?"
Tomoko sulked.
"Don't worry, I know what you're thinking," said Konata. "'Oh, I beat Konata! I must have wasted even more time gaming than ever before!' But I'll let you in on a secret."
"What's that?" asked Tomoko.
"The only gamer that's a loser is the one that doesn't have any fun when they play," said Konata.
Tomoko smiled.
"Anyway, prepare yourself. I'm going to use a better character now," said Konata.
She picked Phoenix.
"Hey, Konata, can I ask you a question?" asked Tomoko.
"Sure!" said Konata.
"When you said you had a girlfriend… were you joking?" asked Tomoko.
"Nope!" said Konata. "And get this – she's a tsundere, too!"
"No way!" said Tomoko. "With twin tails?"
"She wouldn't be a tsundere without them," said Konata.
Tomoko sulked again.
"Hmm? What's the matter?" asked Konata. "Does Mokocchi want a tsundere too? Or maybe a yandere is more her type?"
"She's awfully perceptive!" thought Tomoko. "Honestly, I'd just settle for having a boyfriend at all," she said.
"Oh, don't say things like that!" said Konata. "You might not know it, but girls like us are in high demand! With a little help from me, you'll have a boyfriend in no time."
Tomoko was in shock. "Do you really mean it?" she asked. "Are you really going to help me?"
"Of course," said Konata. "What are friends for?"
"She's a goddess," thought Tomoko. "'Girls like us?' I'm nothing like her."
Tomoko won another three matches. Konata's eyebrow twitched.
"That's it, I'm using my best character," said Konata.
She chose Zero.
"Zero, huh," said Tomoko. "Zero's cool. But I was really confused that the developers didn't pick Mega Man. He's way more popular."
"I know, right?" asked Konata. "I wanted Mega Man myself… but sometimes when a developer just listens to what's popular, he ends up making bad choices."
"You really think so?" asked Tomoko.
"Definitely," said Konata. "Imagine if the developers just put in the winners of fan polls. We'd be fighting Hatsune Miku. I like her, but you have to agree, she has no place in a fighting game."
"Yeah, you're right," said Tomoko. "I guess I can relate. I've made some bad choices when trying to be popular, too."
"Really? Like what?" asked Konata.
"Oh… well… never mind," said Tomoko.
"Mokocchi. Tell me," said Konata.
"Err…" said Tomoko.
Konata KO'd Tomoko. She got close to her face and looked her straight in the eyes.
"Tell me," said Konata.
"Ah!" said Tomoko. "Well, I, err… my brother's friend… had a… I kind of… I smoked some weed."
"What?" said Konata.
"I smoked some weed," said Tomoko.
Konata stared blankly at Tomoko for a second. Then she broke into a mischievous smile.
"W-What are you staring at me like that for?" asked Tomoko. "I get it. I know it was wrong. I'm still embarrassed."
"No no no, don't be embarrassed," said Konata. "Here. Let me show you something."
Konata got out her pipe that had a bowl shaped like Haruhi's head.
"You see? You're not supposed to smoke to be popular," said Konata. "You're supposed to smoke to have a good time with your friends."
"No way," said Tomoko. "Konata… do you smoke regularly with your friends?"
"Not yet," said Konata. "But I can start with you."
Tomoko was crying tears of joy in her mind. "She's come into my life to save me from myself."
"Oops, looks like I spoke too soon," said Konata. "I'm out of weed. Maybe next time."
Tomoko was dumbstruck. But then she laughed. "It's okay," she said.
"Yeah, it's for the best," said Konata. "It's not fun to ride the train when you're stoned, anyway. Maybe next time you can ask your parents to let you sleep over."
Tomoko nodded. She took three out of five matches against Konata again.
"Well, it's getting late," said Tomoko. "I should really start heading back."
Konata put her hand on Tomoko's shoulder.
"You're not… going anywhere… until I win," said Konata.
"But it's Sunday! My mom's gonna be furious!" said Tomoko.
Then her phone vibrated.
"Hope you're having fun," read the text message.
"Aww… do you really have to go?" asked Konata.
Tomoko smiled and put her phone away.
"No, I guess not."