Today

From: OHunt

To: CYang

Cristina,

I don't know when you'll get this, but I hope soon.

I don't know how else to tell you this. It's late at night, and I don't want to bother you at home. It's probably better that I leave you alone. It broke my heart for you to leave me today after what happened but I completely understand why you had to do it. It's not safe for you to be near me. Or maybe, not that it's not safe, but more that right now it is just not a good idea for you to be around me. I would never ever hurt you in any possible way, but I did unconsciously, and I will regret that every day for the rest of my life. It is only right that you protect yourself and do what is the smart thing.

I want you to know that after you left, I immediately went to Derek Shepherd and asked for help with what's been going on with me. He had offered to help me earlier in the day and I stupidly blew him off, thinking I could still deal with my problems, even in the face of what happened at your apartment. It took you telling me that you were afraid to be with me that I finally got through my thick head that things were not getting better for me, but getting worse. Getting so much worse, now that I've lost you.

What I'm getting at is that you apologized to me, but really I should be apologizing to you. I am the one who is beyond sorry to ever make you feel anything but beautiful and amazing. Because that's what you are. You are beautiful and amazing. And I am so sorry to ruin everything we ever had together. I hope that one day you'll be able to forgive me, but I suspect you aren't ready to forgive me, if you ever will be ready, and I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, anyway.

Today was both the best day of my life and the worst. I never knew it was possible to feel such total and utter happiness, and then only minutes later to feel such complete devastation. I know I've already had my second chances, but at the very least I hope one day even if I can't be with you, I can take away all the pain I ever caused you.

Be assured that regardless of what has happened, my feelings will never interfere with your education. You are a great doctor, and I will never stand in the way of anything you want to accomplish.

Please know that I only want good things for you.

Owen