Ascended Ultimatum, a stargate: sg-1 fanfic

TITLE: Ascended Ultimatum

AUTHOR: Vid Z.

PAIRING: Cam/Vala

WARNINGS: Romance, Humor

TIMELINE: Season 10

DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc of the TV show Stargate: SG-1 are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fic. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

AUTHOR'S NOTES #1: I'm a Jack/Sam and Cam/Vala shipper. I don't mind Daniel unless he interfers with the my liked pairings (like Sam/Daniel, yuck since they're like brother and sister on the show; or Daniel/Vala) or unless he does something stupid, again, and either kills himself, kills someone friendly due to his reckless action or endangers the lives of his team cause he get's target fixated and sees only his rocks or a woman or a civilization and ignores that his team could get hurt. Like in Cotg, Need, The Movie,... and quite a few other eps. I'm sure if I went through each season sistematically I would find tenths of such eps. While he does have good moments, like when he saved Kelownans, his bad moments seem to be in majority.

AUTHOR'S NOTES #2: I started writing this before Daniel died, again, so there is no reference to that recent ep. Btw., can't the guy just die and stay dead? It's getting really annoying and REALLY old.

AUTHOR'S NOTES #3: this was written around the premise that the Ascended are normal "people" and would get tired of someone constantly dying and then making a nuisance of himself, while being with them, and tiring and bugging them with constant questions and sticking his nose where it doesn't belong.

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SUMMARY: the Ascended are fed up and decide to take action.

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SG-1 plus Jack had been on P4X-537 for about half an hour before...

"No! Don't touch it, Jackson!" cried Cam as Daniel touched something unknown.

Again.

Completely disregarding and ignoring a direct order of his leader.

Again.

And promtly died.

Again.

"Arrrghh!" screamed Jack in anger at the insubordinate archeologist.

Or lack of him.

Suddenly Oma Desala and Daniel appeared before them, with Daniel smiling sheepishly.

"Damnit, Danny-boy, stop touching shit you shouldn't! After 10 goddamn years you should know better! You're still the same as you were at the start when it comes to complete lack of common sense and instinct for survival." admonished Jack, with the rest of the new SG-1 just watching from the sidelines.

"A candle burns, but what does it say?" stated Oma calmly, interrupting Jack.

"Huh?"

"Water is life and life is water, what is then a fish?" continued Oma.

"Oh fer cryin out loud!" muttered Jack exasperated.

He'd had it up to here with this ascended crap. Sam just looked at him in amusement and Teal'c rose an eyebrow, while Vala and Cam stared open-mouthed, seeing an ascended being for the first time.

"Air..." started Oma again, but was cut off by an impatient Jack.

"Oh, cut the crap, Oma, or I'll ascend myself and come bug yer asses." snapped he of the short temper.

Oma looked at him frustrated, but then sighed and nodded.

Jack looked quite satisfied. "So, what did Spacemonkey do this time that you descended him so soon?"

Daniel flushed with indignation at the nickname, but was cut off by Jack's glare.

"We don't want him there. We're sick of him, actually." this definitely drew the attention of SG-1, past and present. Daniel just looked at the ground and scuffed his boot in the dirt.

"He keeps dying and showing up there and asking all those question! He's getting on our nerves! Can't you keep a better eye on him?" she eyed them accusingly.

"DanielJackson is like a child, one can not stop him from doing what he wishes." stated Teal'c calmly, ignoring Daniel's indignant "Hey!".

"Yeah and he's fast at it too, no-one can catch him in time." chimed in Sam.

"Just leave him to me, I'll watch his six." said Vala, grinning mischeviously, causing Daniel to shrink back from her.

Oma just shook his head. "This is what? The 4th or 5th time he touched something he shouldn't have and died? I believe it's the 5th. The last time you did, Daniel, you killed 2 people and alerted the Ori to this universe! Have you still not learned anything after 10 years on the front line?" reprimanded Oma.

"Yeah, Danny-boy, you've nearly gotten us killed countless times when you didn't listen and touched things I told you not to!"

Daniel wanted to protest, but he knew they were right. After 10 years on the team he was still as careless and reckless as that first day. Or that first time on Chulak, when he jumped out of an ambush, revealing their position and alerting presumably-armed enemies to their presence, which later got them imprisoned and almost snaked and/or killed. It was now 10 years later and he still didn't think his actions through, doing what he always did, having tunnel vision and not caring about anything or anyone else, just his rocks; killing two people and alerting Ori as the consequence humanity had to pay for his reckless actions.

"So, we, the Ascended, have decided not to let Daniel Jackson ascend ever again. His next death will be final. As it is, he has resurrected more times than anyone is allowed to. Besides, we don't want him, you can have him." Oma declared.

Daniel looked insulted, becoming even more due to the snickers coming from the rest of the team.

"Lastly, to pay him back for the grief he has caused us, we have decided that you, Colonel Mitchell, and you, Vala Mal Doran, are to mate."

"What!?" yelled the two affected. Sam, Teal'c and Jack just stared on, disbelieving. Daniel was becoming horrified at the prospect. 'Cam and Vala, together? This could be a disaster!'

"It has been decided. You are to mate and you are to bug Dr. Jackson for the rest of your lives. This is our punishment for him."

"Mate? Here? On this planet? Now? In front of anyone?" asked Jack, not believing what he'd just heard.

"What?" exclaimed a bewildered Oma.

"Mate? Are you crazy!? They're not gonna have sex right in front of everyone. Here. Now." Jack stuttered.

Cam spoke up. "The General's right. We're not gonna do it here!"

Daniel thought it was time to jump in "You're not gonna have sex in front of everyone? Does that mean you WILL have sex?" Jealousy gleamed in his eyes.

Oma Desala looked bewildered at the three, then realization dawned and she cried out. "No! That's not what I meant! Get your minds out of the gutter! I meant you have to marry each other, not have sex. Well, have sex too, but not right now and here!"

"And what if we don't?" demanded a pissed-off Vala.

"You all stay here. For the rest of your lives."

Everyone gasped at hearing that.

"Well, you sure pissed them all off and big time." Jack accused Daniel, who just sent him a glare. "And now WE're paying for it!"

"Indeed." intoned Teal'c, agreeing completely.

Sam just grunted in anger and hit Daniel on the back of his head, getting a satisfying "Ouch!" for her efforts.

Cam was silent, the situation weighing on him. He was the leader here and he took responsibility for the fact that they were stuck.

Vala gestured back towards the Stargate. "And who's to stop us from turning back, dialing the 'Gate and going home?"

Oma snapped her fingers and asked innocently. "What Gate?"

"That gate." snapped Vala, gesturing behind them.

"There is no Gate."

"What are you talking about? We just came here through it." Vala looked behind and gasped.

The 'Gate was missing!

"What did you do to it!?"

"I moved us into the time when there was still no Stargate network. I'll be sending you back only when you do what's been decided."

The whole team sent murderous glares towards Daniel, who shrunk back.

"They must be pretty upset with you to be going this distance just to get back at you, breaking their own rules. Then again, having you up there with them, so many times, it's no wonder..." grumbled Jack.

Meanwhile an idea occured to Oma and she grinned. Evilly. "Better yet. If you don't agree and spend at least 6 months on this planet, then after 6 months I'll ascend ALL of you, including you Daniel, and let you spend an eternity being locked up in the same ugly diner, with him thinking you are some important figures from Earth's history and constantly asking you questions about something."

SG-1's eyes widened in horror and they groaned. "You can't do that!" protested Cam.

"It's not humane!" piped up Vala, which was quite ironic really, since she was an alien herself.

"I don't care... I'm not human." shot Oma back, grinning smugly.

Sam and Teal'c shared a look and stepped back from Cam, Vala and Daniel.

Then they raised their weapons, armed them and pointed at the trio. "Do it! We're not going through that, no matter what!" ordered Sam. Desperation makes people dangerous and reckless.

"Hey!" exclaimed Daniel indignantly, but was quickly shut up by Teal'c glare.

"Stand down, Lt Col!" barked Jack, drawing an instinctive response from the three threats.

They lowered their weapons and both looked down quite shame-faced."I'm sorry, sir, but we are desperate here. Anything is better than what we will have to go through if they don't accept. PLEASE, Cam and Vala, for the sake of the sanity of us all, get married already!"

Cam and Vala looked at each other and then quickly looked away.

"What is the purpose of this marriage, again?" stalled Cam, trying to find a way out.

Oma let out an exasperated sigh that told him she knew exactly what he was doing.

"You two are the ones Daniel fears most, after you O'Neill..." at this Jack grinned proudly "...because you constantly tease and embarrass him and keep his big ego in check and his head out of the clouds. It was decided by ALL Ascended, neither wants him there anymore btw., that you should gang up on him and bug him for the rest of your lives."

"And why do we have to get married to do that?" wanted Vala to know, her hands on her firm hips and a glare in her eyes.

"Yeah!" joined Cam. "Why do we have to get married for that? We can do it this way too!"

"Well, this way I know you will stay together and not put solar systems between yourselves as soon as possible. Besides, you can't get married to someone else if you're already married..."

"How do you know we won't do it still?" grinned Cam, believing he had her in a corner. "How do you know we won't come home and pretend as if this never happened? It's not as if this would be a legal marriage."

The others glared at him. "Why did you tell her that? We could've done it that way and now we can't cause you let it out."

Cam shrugged, unconcerned. "She's Oma, she knows everything and she's already thought of that. I just want to know how she thinks she can stop it."

"Indeed." growled Teal'c, irritated at the mess Daniel had caused. The glare he sent for good measure to Daniel, caused the smaller man to hide behind Oma.

Who smirked, snapped her fingers again and suddenly Daniel found himself standing right before Teal'c. The Jaffa moved threateningly forward.

"Well." spoke Oma again, drawing their attention to herself before a bloodbath ensued. "To answer your question, Colonel, it would be a legal marriage."

At Jack's sarcastic "Yeah, how?" she calmly snapped her fingers again and an envelope suddenly appeared in her hand. She gave it to Vala to look at.

At Vala's disbelieving gasp Cam looked at it over her shoulder.

Vala had pulled out a marriage certificate, filled out with their names and the signature of a buddy of his, a former USAF JAG officer, who was now a judge in the Springs. It also had a very official-looking stamp. All it needed were his, Vala's and a witness' signatures. It was also dated only days after Vala had first come to Earth, so an annulment would've been impossible after all this time had passed.

Cam looked at Oma smugly when he thought of something, but not saying anything.

Oma rolled her eyes. 'Humans! They really think I'm that dumb.'

"Check the envelope."

Cam's smile disappeared and his shoulders slumped.

He took the envelope out of Vala's hands and, to no surprise of his, pulled out an official ID in Vala's name, identifying her as an american citizen, a copy of the SGC's logbook showing he was put on leave when Vala first visited SGC, and a couple of still-shots from a SGC security camera, showing him strolling down the corridor towards the elevator, with his arm around Vala's waist and her arm around his waist.

This time it was Oma that grinned smugly. "You see, we thought of everything. You have no chance but to comply."

Cam and Vala's eyes met and then broke contact.

Oma made another push. She spread her hands, gesturing toward their surroundings. "6 months here and the eternity with Daniel constantly bugging you. OR you sign that paper, get married and YOU get to bug Daniel."

Cam and Vala looked around at the uninhabited planet.

It could support life, but an eternity with Daniel hounding them...

On the other hand... yes, the marriage would be forced and a fake, but it's still better than to spend the rest of their lives alone, cause they'd inevitably grow closer due to their forced marriage and assignment. Arranged marriages had occasionally worked out quite well. Admittedly, that was very rarely, but still...

Plus, there's a lot of perks!

They'd been attracted to each other from the start AND it would've been their DUTY to tease Daniel and keep him in check. They were also both quite funny and fun-loving people so they would get along famously, always keeping themselves and each other entertained and never getting bored.

They each sent a measuring look at the other, checked the other out from toe to top of the head, quite satisfied with the other's sex appeal, and looked again at the planet and Daniel.

Then they shrugged and let out heavy sighs. "Okay, we'll do it."

Oma permitted a triumphant smile to come out and the rest of SG-1 sighed in relief, while Daniel just sulked.

Vala fished out a pen out of the envelope and quickly signed the paper, obviously trying to get it done as quickly as possible.

Cam was having more difficulty. His hand just wouldn't obey.

Vala cleared her throat meaningfully and glanced towards Daniel. That quickly solved his problem. Then Jack and Sam signed as witnesses.

"Great!" beamed Oma and snapped her fingers two times. The first time the effect wasn't immediately visible and upon the second time the 'Gate reappeared again.

She caught Cam looking at her puzzled and she smiled. "The first snap was to get everything in order to make it legal. Have a good honeymoon! And, Daniel, take care of yourself better cause you'll die for real next time."

Neither smiled back or extended any kind of pleasantry as they walked back to the 'Gate, dialed it, sent the IDC and walked through it.

EPILOGUE

Cam and Vala did their duty exceptionally well.

They regularly ganged up on Daniel and kept him in check.

His death rate dropped to zero as a consequence.

It probably helped that Sam had bought a toddler-rope and they tied one end around Daniel's wrist, with Teal'c holding the other end, whenever they were off-world and near some artifacts.

Little by little Cam and Vala grew more relaxed in each other's company and started socialising by themselves, without the others.

They even came to Jack and Sam's wedding as each other's dates.

Eventually Vala moved in with Cam when it became increasingly clear that her on-base quarters were becoming inadequate and he had an empty room.

They were enjoying each other's company and Vala was starting to entertain some to-her-extremely-strange notions of them being soulmates, when a wormhole threw them into an alternate universe and they met their alternate selves, married and with a child. Even though they had different names, John and Aeryn, they were still Vala and Cam, DNA testing proved it.

During that experience a longing came to life in Vala, especially loud whenever she looked at the happy family. From then on, whenever she saw a couple with a baby, she always imagined a baby with her black hair and certain-someone's blue eyes. This experience had caused them to rethink their lives and open their hearts to new possibilities.

From then on they got along really well, becoming much closer, and occasionally pranked each other, aside from doing their duty, bugging Daniel.

One day their pranking got a little out of hand and because of that a couple of months later they discovered that Vala was carrying twins.

Twins who would bring happiness, love and brightness into the lives of their parents, who'd been lonely for so long and had found each other quite unexpectedly.

Twins that would continue the sworn duty of their parents and bug Daniel.

With the discovery of their impending parenthood Cam and Vala stopped preventing their hearts from speaking and admitted their love for each other, finally allowing themselves to love and cherish each other, turning their marriage into a true marriage, their happiness rivalling that of John and Aeryn.

All in all, it worked out quite well.

THE END