Disclaimer: I do not own CSI or any of it´s characters.
A/N: This fic is insipred by the song "you could be happy" by snowpatrol.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You could be happy
"There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the times we were happy."
Grissom
He hadn´t been in Boston for years, so when he stepped out of the cab the crisp and cool winter air hit him somehow unexpected. He shuddered. How could people live here?
Vegas was hot, sure, and it was not always pleasant to have the air conditioning on 24/7 for weeks, but still...the cold got to him.
The lobby of the hotel he was staying at was pleasantly warm and as soon as he stepped inside he was able to rid himself of his windbreaker and savour the warmth on the bare skin of his arms.
He had learned to find pleasure in the little things in life due to the woman accompanying him through it and he was grateful for that.
The receptionist greeted him with a friendly smile and he checked in quickly, having booked the room weeks in advance. He had not been away from home for at least two years and it felt good to step foot outside of his hometown and usual work and do something different for a change. He might even learn something new in the process...
A young man lead him to his room, Room 213, and as soon as he´d tipped him left Grissom to his unpacking.
It felt strange to be alone for a change. In the past he had valued his solitude, relishing in the thought that he could go home from work and just be by himself, alone with his thoughts.
Nowadays he dreaded the times he had to come home to an empty house. He had grown accostumed to being in company. And not being alone meant not having to think about...the changes his life had went through, which meant he could pretend it was alright with him. And not thinking meant he could feel as if he was happy, even if in the moments of solitude he knew that he wasn´t...
Unpacking quickly, Grissom grabbed his keycard and made his way out again. He could easily squeez in a walk before the welcoming reception that evening and maybe get a little more used to the cold he would have to face for the next two days.
He walked through the streets slowly, not really going anywhere, just looking around and trying to get the stiff feeling of the flight out of his legs.
Rounding a corner he heard laughter coming from the other side of the street.
The world seemed to stop for a moment. He knew that laughter. He´d recognize it everywhere.
Across the street stood Sara Sidle, hand in hand with a dark haired man in his mid-forties, obviously laughing at something he´d said.
His heart skipped a beat as he saw her for the first time in what felt like an eternity.
Her hair was longer than the last time he´d seen her and fell in slight waves into her face as she bent forward, holding her belly.
He couldn´t imagine her ever looking this stunning, even if she´d always been beautiful to him.
Even though she wore a dark coat, he could still make out her slim figure underneath and he remembered running his hands down that back, feeling her soft skin under his fingers, her warmth seeping into him...
„Will, stop it." Her exclamation brought him back to reality harshly, her voice still so deep, so affectionate.
She leaned up and kissed the man – Will – softly, before tugging on his hand. „Come on, let´s go home."
Home. He remembered her saying exactly those words to him once, after a long shift, leaning against the doorframe of his office.
„Come on, let´s go home." The words rang in his ears, the inviting sound of them, the love and trust that were implied in the word home.
And in that moment it struck him what he´d denied himself to think since she´d left: he missed her.
Grissom could not concentrate on anything the speaker at the reception said to welcome his fellow scientists.
The speech passed by in a blur and suddenly the people around him were getting up to get something to eat from the buffet.
Grissom decided he couldn´t stay for an evening of small talk and introductions. Not today. He had to get out of there.
Hell, he had to get out of Boston again as fast as possible. Maybe he could tell Jen that the conference had been cancelled...
He got up from his table before any of his colleagues returned and slipped out of the room quietly, just to stop short in his tracks as the door fell shut behind him.
There she was, only a few feet away from him, her expression as shocked as his probably looked.
„Gil..." Sara whispered, the surprise clearly evident in her voice as she stood before him, frozen to the spot.
„Sara." He nodded his head politely, his tone detatched, as always.
She didn´t know how much he was trembling inside, how he was falling apart...
„You here for the conference?" She asked after a short pause, nodding her head towards the closed door of the banket room he´d just left.
„Yeah."
He couldn´t talk to her.Hearing her voice alone was causing him pain, but seeing her, looking her in the eyes... it was unbearable.
„What about you?" He asked, curiosity getting the better of him.
He was not even sure if he´d hear her answer over the pounding of his heart.
„Me too. A friend of mine is one of the presenters," she answered and he had to wonder if that friend was the man he´d seen her with.
„Oh."
He nodded at her one more time, before moving past her, towards the elevators.
He had to get away from her, he had to get her out of his life again.
„Griss?" She called out for him, her voice sounding...what? Desperate, sad? There had been times when he knew how to read the sound of her voice, when he knew how even the slightest change of nuance meant something. Now he was not sure, but he turned at her call and looked at her, the mask of perfect indifference back on his face again.
„How are you?" She asked, honest interest showing on her face and his heart cracked a bit more.
„I´m good." He answered, trying to make his answer sound true. „What about you?"
„Yeah, me too." She answered. „You know I live here now. In Boston I mean. Have for almost two years."
„Oh."
„Just thought you might want to know." She added, her expression unreadable to him and again that was something he once was accostumed to read like a book.
„I still live in Vegas." He answered, as he didn´t know what else to say.
„I know. Supervisor of the dayshift now, married to...Jennifer, wasn´t it?"
It suprised him how easily she could say that. Maybe seeing him didn´t cause her pain anymore.
The surprise must have shown on his face, but she interpreted it differently.
„I didn´t snoop around for information about you. Nick told me."
„Oh." God, he was eloquent with words today, wasn´t he?
„You don´t have to worry, you know? I moved on too," she said, as if she thought that was what he wanted to hear.
„Is that so?" His voice sounded icy, but he didn´t care. Didn´t she know that this hurt?
„I´m engaged, to a highschool science teacher."
„Congratulations." He was surprised at his ability to say the word as if he meant it. But he did, at least partly. He´d always only wanted for her to be happy.
„Thanks."
They looked at each other for a long moment, studying their faces... She´d really become even more beautiful over the years.
„Gil?"
Their was that tone again and this time Grissom was sure he heard a hint of sadness in it.
„Are you happy?"
He wanted to tell her that he wasn´t. He wanted to tell her that he hadn´t been happy a day in his life since she left, even if that was not entirely true. Jen made him happy. But she was different. She was just a diversion. She was a companion, not the love of his life.
But instead of telling her the truth he nodded slowly and forced out a smile.
„Yes."
„Good...Me too."
And the sincereness in her voice broke his heart.
That night he flew back to Vegas and told Jen that it was over.