Authors note: Hello all. Utah again. The first Fan fiction I read on this site was Soul Eater and the one I spent the most time reading was Full metal Alchemist. I was trying to decide which I should write when I got the idea in my head for a crossover. This is not a love story. Just a comedy. Appropriate constructive criticism is accepted not flames. If you flame, Barry the Chopper will take your soul. Enjoy and review.
A woman in her early twenties was walking down an alleyway. She had purple hair and eyes, soft Caucasian skin, and wore the classic witch outfit. She was finely curved and constantly attracting men. Her name was Blair.
A man with a saw steps out of the shadows. He has work clothes, a hard hat, construction gloves. He had black hair and a shadow covering his face up to his sharp teeth, his red eyes glowing through the shadow.
"Hello pretty lady."
He rasped, raising his saw.
"You shouldn't be walking alone at night. There are dangerous characters walking about."
Suddenly a butchers knife impales itself in the strangers forehead and a voice came from behind Blair.
"Like Barry the Chopper."
Blair turned and saw a suit of armor with a toga, a creature's skull for the front of the helmet, devils horns, and a plume of white hair along the back of the helmet, long enough to reach his belt. He walked towards Blair with a butchers knife and proceeded past hair and grabbed a red flaming ball where the first man used to be. Barry picked it up and looked at it with his ember-like eyes. Then he tossed it into the skulls mouth and the skull moved like it was eating it. He pulls out a small book, tucking both his recovered and other knife in his armpit. He flipped through a couple pages and took out a pen and tapped it on his helmet's "mouth" and made a check mark.
"That's one Murdering Garry the Carpenter."
He proceeded to put the tiny book away and took out a... diary? Blair had met some pretty weird people but this guy took the cake. Barry spoke as he wrote.
"Dear Diary. Mission number twenty two. The usual dark alleyway inhabitant. I love this job! My next victim will beat my old record. The night's still young so maybe I can fit in in tonight. In honor of my soon-to-be-broken record, I have composed a poem."
"Roses are red,"
"Of crimson hue."
"When I chop them up,"
"They are too."
"Till next time Diary, Barry the Chopper."
Blair put away the diary and took out his knives.
"Right." He said to Blair. "Who are you?"
"I'm Blair." She answered.
"So Blair." Barry pointed a knife at her. "Are you a witch or kishen?"
"No. I'm a cat."
"Do you really expect me to believe..." Barry started and Blair turned into her cat form which was black and still wearing her hat.
"HOLY SHIT! YOU'RE A CAT!"
"Told you so." Blair sang, still in cat form.
Barry stared down.
"Well this is awkward."
"So..." Blair started. "You fight kishen. Who exactly are you?"
"I" Barry raised his knives. "Am ex-serial killer, Barry the Chopper! Hired by Shinigami-sama to chop up kishen!"
"Oh cool."
"Yes. It's my dream job actually, being able to chop people up legally. Well I'm off to my next mission. Good night."
Barry said cheerfully as he walked off.
….
Barry peered into a warehouse window where the infamous Charlie the Butcher was supposedly hiding. Barry was standing on crates that he had climbed up to see through the window and to his annoyance, Blair floated up, in cat form, on a flying pumpkin.
"Why are you following me?"Barry grumbled.
"Because I'm bored." Blair happily replied back.
"Don't you need to sleep or something?"
"I can sleep in the morning. What about you?"
"I don't need to eat or sleep. I only need to chop."
"Oh... Okay..."
Barry couldn't find the butcher so he went to the butchers favorite hunting grounds. The docks.
…
Barry sighed as he chopped up another fish.
"Is this good?"
Blair jumped up on the box and inspected the fish.
"It's good."
Blair had followed Barry along to the beach and started to complain about being hungry. No matter how hard he tried, Barry couldn't ignore her whining and complaining and he couldn't chop her up due to his contract with Shinigami-sama. Next time he saw Alphonse Elric, Barry was going to beat him up for liking cats. Finally Barry chopped up something for Blair to eat. Now, Barry really, REALLY hated cats. No sign of the butcher either.
…
Barry trudged along, searching for the butcher. Suddenly a scream froze Barry and Blair in their tracks. They ran/flew towards the direction of the scream. What showed itself was a man in a butchers outfit with black eyes and sharp teeth. He also had two bloody butchers knives.
The butcher was standing over a heavily bleeding teenage boy and a teenage girl frozen in terror.
"There he is. Charlie the Butcher."
Barry said quietly with anticipation.
"STOP RIGHT THERE." Blair shouted. "YOUR DAYS OF GRUESOMELY CHOPPING IS ABOUT TO COME TO AN END!"
The butcher turned to Barry and Blair.
"Chopping is not gruesome." He rasped. "It is an art. The delicate balance of the blade."
"The precise angle of the chop." Barry reminisced.
"The symphony of wind as the knife falls."
"The feeling as it falls through flesh."
"The taps of the blade as it snaps through bone."
"The singing his as it slices through."
The butcher wiped a tear out of his eye.
"You know hoe I feel." He sobbed.
"You're the only one who understands me." Barry choked.
They each pointed a knife at each other and said at the same time.
"I have to chop you up!"
Blair was utterly confused but she padded over to the frozen couple while Barry and the butcher charged each other. She turned into her human form and helped the couple up.
Meanwhile, Barry was swinging tirelessly at the butcher. Slice followed slice as the butcher blocked. Barry scored a few hits before he saw an opening. Barry drove his left knife into the butchers stomach but realized to late that the butchers knives were under his chin. The butcher laughed and beheaded Barry. The butcher turned to Blair and the couple.
"Now my pretties. Time for me to chop you up."
He grinned.
Then Barry's voice came from behind him. Hey! I'm not finished with you yet!"
Barry's body stood up, his remaining butchers knife in his right hand.
"Bu-bu-bu-but you should be dead."
Barry's body laughed.
"I'm already dead bitch."
With that, Barry's body slammed the remaining butchers knife into the butchers shoulder and ripped the other one from the butchers chest. Barry's body delivered slice after slice until the butcher's corpse turned into its soul.
"Well that was fun."
Barry's body said as it picked up his head and fit it on.
Blair gaped and Barry glanced at her with his newly reattached head.
"What?"
"Where's your body?" She asked.
"Dunno. I was executed and my soul was bound to this soul of armor."
Barry ate the butchers soul which caused Blair to ask another question.
"Why do you eat souls then?"
"Eventually a soul will reject it's body. Especially if it's not natural. By eating souls, I can keep my body and fix any wounds it might get."
"Oh."
Blair tried to comprehend this information as Barry took out his diary.
"Dear diary. I just chopped up my twenty third victim. Second tonight! Best of all, it was another chopper! Too bad he didn't last long. It was still fun though. Later. Barry the Chopper."
Barry put it away and saw another pre-kishen egg running with a sack over his shoulder.
"COME BACK GRAND THIEF LUPIN! IF I CHOP YOU UP, THAT WILL MAKE THREE IN ONE NIGHT! HEY! i SAID COME BACK!"
Barry charged off, leaving Blair mesmerized by how odd her new friend was.
…
Blair walked the couple to their home and then went to her, Maka, and Soul's apartment. When she got in, Maka was getting some milk.
"Oh hey Blair." She said sleepily. "Did you have a good time out?"
"Oh yes. It was a fun adventure. I watched two kishen get killed."
"Oh. That's nice."
Maka yawned.
"Best of all, they weren't killed by a weapon or a meister but just an empty suit of armor. Well goodnight."
Blair closed her bedroom door as Maka mumbled goodnight. When Blair left, Maka thought over what Blair just said and paused.
"Wait what?"