It wasn't as if he was incapable of feeling remorse, but rather that he had never felt so compelled to have someone see that indeed he did feel. He was alive inside.
To be totally honest with himself he had to admit that Karen was quietly consuming his thoughts. Her light was too brilliant to ignore. Broadway had jaded him and he knew it. Hell, life had jaded him. It had never bothered him until this moment.
Before it was merely a nagging realization begging acknowledgment yet too easily silenced by his rational mind. Love was what they were selling, not what they lived. Some idealized notion of an overly commercialized fantasy. To be successful being a director he had found that the secret was calculated detachment… until it became just plain detachment with no effort necessary. He had to be demanding, cold, and calculating. It had provided him with success time and time again. Success and not much else he thought to himself rather grimly suddenly ashamed.
The elevator doors creaked opened and he hesitated briefly before stepping in. The thought of Karen was pulling him back. Amused with himself he imagined what he might say returning to her doorstep. She would no doubt be uncomfortable, imagining that his apology was perhaps some devious plot in which he would yet again set out to seduce her. And what could he say to convince her? Nothing would suffice. He could ramble on about his father, about his career, about all the compromises he had made along the way sacrificing all the reverence he once had. Innocence and idealism were two luxuries that his reality did not afford.
He could tell her the truth. He had been dead inside and didn't even know it until that fateful day that he heard her sing 'beautiful' and all the days that followed after. He wanted her to be the star of Marilyn and not entirely for all the right reasons. Of course she would dazzle, no doubt. But there was a more urgent pressing need that was stirring a quite storm within him. The simple need for her. When they collaborated for "Touch me" he was delighted to see her do what she was so obviously born to do. There was no barrier with Karen. She let it all pour out and it was real. Eileen, Tom, and Julia were bloody fools to not see it. So what if he tried to hijack the musical? It needed it. As if Tom could understand Marilyn. And Julia? She was so absorbed with her torrid affair that her judgment had been seriously compromised.
His mind desperately grasped for a realistic scenario in which he could simultaneously redeem himself to her and make her feel the same. He imagined instead silencing her protests with a kiss that would magically convey it all; his passion, his remorse, the light that she filled him with. The kiss would say it all and she would know…
The elevator doors opened with a ding. He stepped out and through the lobby, each step felt awkard yet he knew he must. He respected her above all else and wouldn't make the same mistake twice. Leaving the building he collided into who else but Dev. Dev gave him a disheveled look of surprise which quickly flashed into open suspicion.
"I leave and you show up to what, seduce Karen again?" he glowered.
Silence as they sized on another up.
"Why are you here?" he insisted, it was more of a snarl.
Derek wasn't about to admit to this prat that he had come to apologize. Not that he regretted it or felt ashamed…but rather because everything about Dev rubbed him the wrong way.
"Dev, I assure you Karen's honor remains utterly in tact." Derek responded peppered with all the annoyance he felt and a bit of sarcasm.
"It's not her that I am worried about" he growled.
"I am only going to warn you once, stay away from Karen. I've only tolerated her seeing you on a daily basis because of the workshop which frankly I find ridiculous between the paltry pay and impossible hours, especially considering that she in the chorus, but of course you would make her understudy to string her along in hopes of seducing her."
Oh this was much too much Derek thought his blood overheating.
"And who are you? Her captor? Oh, no no, I imagine that you must fancy that you are her knight… how utterly valiant of you!"
That was all it took to set Dev off. He relented to the nagging suspicions and animosity for all things Derek and "the workshop" and decked Derek before he even was able to realize what was coming to him.
For a moment Dev looked ashamed of himself then barked out in a guttural tone "Stay away from Karen, I don't want you ever coming to our place again!"
Derek's lip was bleeding, jaw incredibly throbbing and still reeling from the assault. Yet, he couldn't help it, he began to laugh at Dev as he stalked through the doors into the apartment building, and a bit too loudly at that. A few passerby's quickened their steps to avoid him. He openly looked at them feeling unabashedly brazen. What must this look like he wondered to himself still incredibly amused at it all.
The one time Derek had bothered to humanize himself, to apologize and do the right thing of course this would be the result. It would be one thing if he and Karen had actually been having some sort of reckless and steamy affair… but this? He was in completely unfamiliar territory.
Dev collided into the door, shoving his key into the lock and pressing himself in rather loudly. Karen looked up from the table startled and immediately knew something was up.
"What happened to your hand?"
He shook it as if the motion would make the pain vanish then began to cradle it with the other hand.
"Derek is what happened to my hand!" he proclaimed with the look of a madman.
"What? I don't-"
"I come home to find him leaving and now I see you dressed like this… proving me right of course."
Karen jumped up from the chair she was seated in.
"Wait, wait…Dev hold up! You are saying you got into a fight with Derek? You honestly think something is going on with him and I? Seriously?"
"Karen, I am over it. The musical, Derek, never seeing you… I can't deal with this. Its me or him!"
Karen was so shocked. First Derek Wills apologizing and now her Dev acting like a paranoid jealous husband. Her and Derek? Seriously?
"Dev, there is NOTHING going on between me and Derek."
"If you must know he came here to apologize for that night that I told you about. I can't believe you of all people would resort to violence. What has gotten into you?"
"Ever since you started this insane workshop nothing has been right between us Karen. I can't live like this.." Dev sighed heavily.
His mind was an ugly place at the moment. He had never felt like this. He had never been tested to this extent emotionally by a woman. He was so supportive of Karen's talent and ambition. She had told him it would be a long hard road to success but this… he couldn't deal with this. Wondering if she was sleeping with the sleazy director. Wondering when she would be allowed to come home. The jealously was turning him into a mindless, angst fool. That on top of his now questionable career at the Mayor's office.
Karen stepped closer to him and he flinched with anger. He couldn't help it. Part of him felt betrayed and her words, Derek's words, nothing could sate it.
"I'll leave" he stated resigned.
Karen was bewildered, mouth left agape stumbling to find a response to these words that seemed so unreal. Yet she knew the meaning very well. 'Could this be the end?' she thought panic rising.
"Dev this is your apartment, if anyone should leave it is me…not that I entirely understand what is going on here…"
It was too late, he had already turned and was opening the door. Karen wanted to protest, to ask him to stay but she found that she couldn't and instead watched the door close behind him.
She paced around the apartment for awhile, mind racing.
She was worried about Derek. What had Dev done to him? A part of her couldn't help but think that Derek had it coming to him. But still, after today things were so different between them. He no longer seemed the emotionless tyrant to her and she felt awfully embarrassed that her Dev could do something so very pig headed. She felt like she might go insane with no one to talk to about it all. Who would understand though? Who could she trust to not gossip about it? No one… but of course Derek. And really she should apologize to him since it was unlikely that one would be coming from Dev. She went to her closet and slipped on a pair of skinny jeans and an oversized soft sweater, pulled her hair up into a messy pony tail and fished out a warm scarf. She gave herself a quick once over and although she didn't look much more "appropriate" since her last evening rendevouz with Derek she honestly didn't care. Far heavier things were weighing on her mind. Grabbing her keys she set out of the apartment. She was glad to have left, the air inside hung heavy fresh from her and Dev's dispute and everything tortuously reminded her of them and how normal things were just hours ago.
~~~