The Characters Discover the Internet

Eren growled. "Are you kidding me? I've pulverized tons of Titans! I don't die every episode!"

He then added, "And what's with all this fan art of me and Mikasa?"

Mikasa said, "Why does everyone think it's incest?"

Eren looked at her blankly and asked, "What?"

Mikasa's eyes vanished behind a darkness that masked her face.

She muttered inaudibly, "And why is there so much fan art pairing me with Captain Levi?"

Armin asked, "W-Why do they all want me to be a girl?"

Armin's eyes vanished behind a darkness that masked his face.

Levi: "I don't understand, if I'm the most popular character, why am I the butt of all these jokes? Are these people mentally handicapped or something?"

Mikasa said, "At least, you aren't portrayed as clingy and out to kill anyone just for looking at Eren."

Levi replied, "True, but the Annie incident left everyone wondering."

Mikasa said, "Annie had to... fall."

Jean said, "Mikasa's right guys! They exaggerate all of it. But at least Levi gets to be considered a badass. Me...I.. I... MY FACE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A DAMN HORSE!"

"They blow it out of proportion. I mean, I don't eat potatoes all the time." said Sasha as she bit into a potato.

Levi said, "I suppose I feel slightly better knowing I don't have to run around being known as 'potato girl'".

Sasha tried to hold back the tears as she took another bite out of the delicious golden spud.

Krista, who had just entered the room with Ymir, said, "It's okay Sasha. The fans find you endearing."

Sasha stuffed down more of her potato and asked, "W-wreally?"

"Yep." said Krista sweetly, "By the way, does anyone know why a sparkling bright light appears on me when I smile sometimes? It's making it hard to sleep."

Ymir said, "That's not genetic?"

Eren blinked at the screen. He looked up at Mikasa and said, "Are you really that ripped?"

Mikasa was silent for a moment before saying, "A soldier needs to be in shape if they are to slay Titans."

After Mikasa left to get another soda, Jean turned to Eren and asked, "Do they have a higher resolution of that photo? Hmm... it links to something called Rule 34. Let me see..."

As he clicked, everyone yelled out "NOOOO!"

Mikasa: The Resident Badass

A young boy of no more than six years old was sprawled against the stone wall of an old building. There was no escape from his location. The decrepit form of a Titan, ten meters in length and baring a wide Cheshire grin, leaned down and peered at the boy. Its eyes showed emotion that was foreign to humanity. Yet the young boy knew its intentions. He would be eaten just like his brother, just like his mother. Just like most of humanity before him. And that would be the end. He screamed out in fear as the Titan reached out... AND THEN MIKASA PUNCHED IT IN THE FACE!

The Titan went flying into a wall some ways back. As it recovered, more Titans appeared. One flew past the others... an abnormal. Its jaws wrapped around Mikasa in an instant. And yet in that same instant, she was gone. Blood flew out from the back of its neck and the necks of the Titans behind it. Badass...

Mikasa Ackerman. Occupation: Titan killer. Self-proclaimed guardian and future husband of Eren Yeager. Men loved her. Women wanted to be her. But she had only eyes for Eren. And no one could replicate such levels of unadulterated awesomeness.

In an instant, she swooped in and picked up the young boy. Before more Titans could show up, she flew him over to a safer zone.

She asked in a grave voice, "Are you okay?"

The boy wiped back tears and said, "I'm okay. Thank you for saving me."

Mikasa nodded coolly and said, "Stay here. These soldiers will protect you."

The boy said, "What about you? You're not going to go after those Titans are you?"

Mikasa said, "Don't worry about me. After all I'm... a badass."

Two brawny soldiers ran up to her(Jared and William) and said, "Mikasa! Oh my God! You're so cool! I want to bear your child."

Mikasa said, "Sorry boys, my heart belongs to Eren."

William said, "Still, thank you for dealing with those Titans for us. So many lives have been spared since you began these solo missions. Even Captain Levi's been able to start up his detergent company thanks to you."

Mikasa tilted her head. As she did, her black silky hair fluttered in the wind. She said, "No need to thank me, it's all a part of the job."

She flew off with such speed that streams of fire trailed behind her. As she scanned the area for Titans, a spark flew through her head, causing the camera to focus on her gaze.

"My Eren senses are tingling."

She suddenly teleported to where Eren was. He was standing in the middle of the kitchen looking exasperated. Condiments and the makings of a burger lay scattered across the counter. Mikasa could tell he was struggling to open an especially difficult jar of mayonnaise.

He turned to her and said, "Mikasa, I'm at my limit. I'm going Titan!"

Mikasa reeled him in seductively and said, "Wait Eren! I'll do it! Don't bother yourself with such an unpleasant matter as this."

Eren blushed and said, "Oh Mikasa..."

Somewhere, Jean was having a mental breakdown and the only antidote was more Mikasa.

Mikasa had just finished using her telepathy to root out the last of the shape shifting Titans when she recalled the time. She sheathed her blade and told Connie she would let him go this once. With that, she was off to the church.

Mikasa jumped through the stain glass window, landing next to her blushing bride. Armin handed her the rings. As the priest led them into marriage, Mikasa pulled back the veil. Eren looked so beautiful in that white dress... She leaned in and kissed him. The crowd all cheered. The hearts of Titans were moved by the purity of their love and joined humanity in order to create a better world. Mikasa turned down the offer to be queen of all empires.

"Give it to someone who wants to deal with politics. My place is guarding this world from whatever danger threatens it next... and it's here with Eren." A sudden breeze hit her, wherever she was when she said this, and her hair once again rippled elegantly in the wind. She felt the cruelty of the world beginning to fade away. Now at last, beauty could begin to grow here.

THE END

Author's Note: I'm a huge Mikasa fan so please don't think I'm really mocking her. I could write an essay on why Mikasa's not a mary sue. I just wanted to do this because she's a total badass.

Levi and Friends

"Are you serious? You have a really keen sense of smell?" asked Levi.

"It's no laughing matter. This nose of mine has saved my life on countless occasions. It can pick out Titans waiting in ambush."

Levi said, "It's amazing how often they ambush us despite being so frigging huge. And by the way, what sort of name is Mike anyway?"

Mike said, "Can I go? I don't like this."

Levi answered, "That's fine. I never asked you here in the first place."

"Oh yeah."

Petra walked into the room, a cheerful smile upon her face. She placed a cup of tea in front of Levi.

Levi blew on the tea before taking a small sip. He said, "Perfect, thank you."

Petra blushed happily and said, "Of course sir!"

"By the way, " said Petra, "Hange has been asking for Eren. Oluo and Schultz were asking where he was too. I think they're getting antsy not being able to monitor him."

Levi said, "There's nothing to worry about. He's just completing his chores."

Petra said, "Sir, I thought we finished chores yesterday?"

Levi said, "Yes, but don't tell him that. Don't tell him either that he's quite good at it. I simply told him the rooms were used to store Titan remains and had become stained at the microscopic level. He started scrubbing like it was a life and death mission."

Both could here Eren scream "Titans!" in the distance.

Petra said, "Captain, that's too much, don't you think?"

"Not really no."

"Sir..."

"Oh fine."

Levi yelled out, "Hey Yeager, you can stop cleaning!"

Eren dragged himself into Levi's office a few moments later. His face was covered in dirt and his clothes were pasted with dust and grime. Eren suddenly spurted out, "Sir, why have we retreated? I was nearly done. I nearly had them."

Levi said, "Bitch, I lied."

"... what?"

"I lied. Hange never used these rooms for Titan experiments. That will be all. You're dismissed."

"..."

Levi said, "Those random dots don't tell me anything, so please leave."

Eren started to cry. He said, "But... Titans..."

Petra said, "This is bad! He has Titanomonia. Soon it will engulf his entire character."

Levi suddenly ran up and kicked Eren in the face. "There. I cured it. Better?"

Eren looked up from the ground and said, "I-I guess."

"OOF!"

"How about now?"

"What the hell? Why am I being beaten up? You're the jerk here Captain!

"I like to kick people."

Eren said, "I really hate you."

Levi said, "Ah, he hates something other than Titans. He's cured."