Disclaimer: If Harry Potter or The Cursed Child belonged to either DAIrinchan or Aceidia, it would have turned out very differently.
It wasn't the first time Albus heard people talk about Scorpius as if he were Voldemort's spawn. It wasn't the first time Scorpius left dinner early, saying he wanted to be alone. It was the first time Albus went after him.
He found Scorpius in the dorm with a massive book clutched to his chest like a shield. "It's fine," he said as Albus came in. "I'm used to it."
"It's not fine." Albus sat down on his bed. "It's the stupidest rumor i've ever heard."
Scorpius smiled weakly. "Because i have a nose, right?"
"That, and, if Voldemort actually had a kid, that would mean he had a penis too. No way is that a thing."
Scorpius's jaw dropped.
"I mean, he went through that ritual to bring himself back to life, right? Who knows what happened to his body. He came back without a nose! That can't be the only part he lost."
"That's possible," it occurred to Scorpius. "He might not even have been human after he was resurrected like that."
"Right?" Albus grinned.
"No, that doesn't work. My mum's supposed to have had a Time Turner, remember? She just went back to before he lost his body in the first place."
"And then she had to get off with him?" Albus wanted to know.
"Argh! No, no!" Scorpius tore at his hair. "Wait! That's not what i meant! Albus, i don't want these images in my head!"
"What's the big deal?" Albus wanted to know. "It's not like i'm talking about the ins and outs of Voldemort sex or anything."
Scorpius covered his face. "Albus, no." He wasn't hearing this. He wasn't hearing this. "That's my mum. Don't talk about my mum like that."
"Right, sorry." Albus apologized. You had to respect your friend's mum. Voldemort, on the other hand, was fair game. "But imagine it wasn't your mum they were talking about – just some random female Death Eater or something. Bellatrix Lestrange, maybe. How does one get off with Voldemort?"
"I really don't know," Scorpius admitted. "And i have no desire to."
"Does a Death Eater take his life in his hands and tell Voldemort he needs to get laid? Could a lady Death Eater seduce him? How do you seduce Voldemort? Are we even sure Voldemort can have sex?" He grabbed Scorpius's arm. "What if he came back and got a penis when he lost a nose?"
"Is this a place your mind goes?" Scorpius inquired conversationally. "Is this the sort of thing we'll be discussing in the future?"
Albus stopped to consider what he was actually saying. "Merlin's beard, i hope not," he said.
"Good," Scorpius said. "Because i find the whole thing deeply disturbing."
"But think about it though!" Albus exclaimed, returning to his previous line of thought. "If Voldemort had a penis, that must mean he had to pee sometimes!"
"Albus!" Scorpius exclaimed. "Ew!" But they were both laughing.
"Imagine, the Death Eaters are about to attack Hogwarts, and Voldemort stops the advance because he needs a loo!"
And then Wormtail brings him a chamberpot?" Scorpius had to ask.
"YES." Albus pointed at him. "'Truly, a faithful servant . . .'" He tried to hiss the words, but failed. He couldn't get his breath. Scorpius was almost cackling.
"I got you!" Albus declared gleefully between bursts of laughter. "I finally got you!"
"Don't tell me all this was just you trying to make me laugh," Scorpius said when he finally caught his breath. He wiped his eyes. "Because there are better ways. Your uncle runs a joke shop."
"I didn't think his jokes were appropriate," Albus said.
Scorpius's eyebrows went up as his jaw dropped. "Harmless fun is less appropriate than Voldemort sex now?"
"Well, it didn't have anything to do with the situation," Albus defended himself.
"Relevant. The word you're looking for is relevant. Voldemort sex is never, ever appropriate. Never."
"It worked, didn't it?"
"Okay, yes, but listen. We've had this conversation once," Scorpius said, very firmly. "Now we never need to have it again."
"Even if–"
"No. I'm going to have nightmares now. I want this out of my head as soon as possible."
Albus's mind's eye had finally caught up with his mouth. "Right, you're right," he agreed. They solemnly swore to leave it at that, for the rest of time.
Of course, it could never be so easy. The conversation lingered in the backs of their minds, and from time to time, both Slytherins had nightmares.
A/N: This was born from a conversation with Aceidia about one of our mutual two issues with Cursed Child: Voldy squick. (The other, and probably more important, was of course queerbaiting, and i'm sure i'll do a response to that at some point too.)