This has been in the back of my mind forever. I took a dive into the mind of Jake, the song is Mockingbird by Eminem. There may be another chapter Peytons POV and then possibly an Epilogue, we will see for now please just read this and let me know what you think.
xoxo Jules
please review!
Mockingbird
Yeah
I know sometimes things may not always make sense to you right now
Jake Jagielski
But hey, what daddy always tell you?
Straighten up little soldier
Age 17
Stiffen up that upper lip
What you crying about?
Single father of Jenny Jagielski
You got me
Sometimes I don't even know how I got myself into this situation. I was a sixteen year old kid, and my only care was basketball. I was convinced that I was going to be somebody, I was going to be something and nothing was going to stand in my way.
Hailie I know you miss your mom and I know you miss your dad
When I'm gone but I'm trying to give you the life that I never had
When I met Nikki I thought that I had my entire life figured out. I thought that I knew everything, I was cocky, and nobody could tell me anything about the real world because I knew everything… or at least I thought that I did. My parents we around, involved maybe a little too much. My mom was at home with us kids growing up, and my dad was at every one of my basketball games since the second grade with a camera firmly planted in his hand.
I remember everything... I was sitting on the river court, I had just twisted my knee, the biggest of my worries at the time when Nikki walked up. Looking back I don't ever think that I really loved her, I love more the idea of her. The danger, the challenge, the chase, … the sex. That night though when I saw her something was different, she seemed colder, more distant. And that was when she told me.
"I'm pregnant"
Every thought of the test that I had in Algebra2 or the tournament coming up flew out of my head and my stomach dropped. I was sixteen, I didn't even have my drivers license yet and let alone a job, and I was going to be a father…
I can see you're sad, even when you smile, even when you laugh
I can see it in your eyes, deep inside you want to cry
I never wanted to be a dad at sixteen, let alone a single one. Try waking up at two o'clock on finals morning to change diapers and make formula, it's not fun. It's like my childhood was gone with the blink of an eye, and the look on my parents faces when I told them… Those faces will be etched in my mind forever. But now I have my daughter she is my world, and I am never going to let her go.
Cuz you're scared, I ain't there?
Daddy's with you in your prayers
No more crying, wipe them tears
Daddy's here, no more nightmares
The day I brought Jenny home from the hospital, all 7 lbs 5 oz of her it was just she and I, and I made a promise to her to be there, always. Sure it was hard, but I try to remember the good times, and not things like Nikki's back walking away from our child. I thought that I would never get over it, I thought I couldn't do it on my own. It turns out I even proved myself wrong. I thought after Nikki I was never going to be able to deal. But then someone came into my life who changed it all…
We gon' pull together through it, we gon' do it
Laney uncles crazy, aint he?
Yeah but he loves you girl and you better know it
I think telling my friends about Jenny was really the best thing that I did in a long time for the both of us. I somehow got my life back, and we got Peyton. Letting her in was a lot easier than I thought. After Nikki I thought that I was done with all of that teenage dating drama, but then… shes not your average girl, she's
We're all we got in this world
Peyton
When it spins, when it swirls
Elizabeth
When it whirls, when it twirls
Sawyer
Two little beautiful girls
Lookin' puzzled, in a daze
I know it's confusing you
Daddy's always on the move, mamma's always on the news
I never wanted to have my daughter know the feeling of loss… Nikki left her once and I was not about to let anyone hurt my child again. We were getting along just fine on our own. And life was good.
I try to keep you sheltered from it but somehow it seems
The harder that I try to do that, the more it backfires on me
I've always had dreams for my daughter. What parent doesn't? But they weren't like I want her to be a doctor, or a pro athlete, or an exceptional artist. I just want her to be happy, and be free to be herself no matter who that is. I don't want her to ever feel abandoned or lost or left behind. I want her to know that she is cared for, and that someone is always there and that she has a place, I don't want her to make the same mistakes that I did… but when you are in my position it is hard to have faith that everything will turn out okay.
All the things growing up his daddy that he had to see
Daddy don't want you to see but you see just as much as he did
Jenny hasn't seen anything but Nikki's back since she was born. Who is Nikki to come back now and try to break apart the life I built without her? Sure she could have been a mother to my daughter if she hadn't run out, but she dug her own grave, now she has to lie in it.
We did not plan it to be this way, your mother and me
But things have gotten so bad between us
I don't see us ever being together ever again
Like we used to be when we was teenagers
After I began to accept that the situation was real and I was going to be a father my mind went crazy with planning, where were we going to live? How were we going to go to school? Were our parent's going to kick us out? Were we even going to keep the baby?
We were going to live in Nikki's parents condo in California, drive her fathers old mustang that he kept in the garage, go to night school and leave the baby with a sitter which wouldn't be a problem because she was asleep…
Looking back it was hard to believe that I was that naïve. And those were mostly Nikki's plans not my own. I think that she knew before I did that all of it was crazy and just wanted to see how long she could drag me around for…
I could hate Nikki for lying to me, or telling me that everything was going to be okay and that we would be one big happy family, but I don't. When you are a kid lying to yourself makes things easier. If she had told me things like "you have to straighten up and be a man," or "you have to quit basketball and stop hanging out with your friends!", I would have crawled into a hole and died.
But then of course everything always happens for a reason
I guess it was never meant to be
But it's just something we have no control over and that's what destiny is
When Nikki left me I'm not gonna lie, I was lost, and I was broken, and I was standing alone in a hospital room with this screaming… thing that was all red and was giving off a funny smell. Maybe I am still a little bitter, but I know now that this was for the best, my daughter is safe, and she is loved. I guess at this point in my life that's all that I could ask.
But no more worries, rest your head and go to sleep
Maybe one day we'll wake up and this will all just be a dream
When I told Luke he was oddly supportive. I thought that my friends would think that I was so "uncool" carting around a little baby and stuff. It turns out everything was alright. I mean, it may have not been if I told like Tim or someone first, but Luke just gets that stuff, he practically lived it.
Now hush little baby, don't you cry
Everything's gonna be alright
Stiffen that upper lip up little lady, I told ya
Daddy's here to hold ya through the night
I have always run over time and time again in my head what I am going to say when one day Jenny asks me about her mother. I know that day will come but I hope that when it does we are at a place in our lives where it won't throw her entire world out of whack. All that I have come up with thus far is…
"Your mommy loved you very much, but she had a lot of problems, and she didn't want them to ( fill in the blank) you. She thought that it would be better and you would be happier if you lived with Daddy…"
These days I am not even sure if that is the truth.
I know mommy's not here right now and we don't know why
We feel how we feel inside
It may seem a little crazy, pretty baby
But I promise momma's gon' be alright
It took me a real long time to get myself together. I had to get used to not hanging out with my friends on the weekends and along with taking care of Jenny I had to learn how to hold a job, and go to school.
It's funny
I remember back one year when daddy had no money
Mommy wrapped the Christmas presents up
And stuck 'em under the tree and said some of 'em were from me
Cuz daddy couldn't buy 'em
I'll never forget that Christmas I sat up the whole night crying
Sometimes I couldn't help feeling like a complete failure as a parent. I mean, honestly, what is some sixteen/seventeen year old child thinking about trying to raise a child! I'm not sure quite frankly that I have/had any business. Sometimes I feel guilty because I think of the life Jenny could have had.
There was this family, they lived in the suburbs somewhere in Florida, and they wanted Jenny so bad. They had a big house that overlooked a lake and a little boy already. They were dying for a little girl to make their family complete. Adoption was a serious consideration when Nikki decided that she had to at least "go through" with the pregnancy.
And then I saw her, my baby girl, and Nikki was feeding me all of this "crap" about our future and my emotions took over…
Cuz daddy felt like a bum, see daddy had a job
But his job was to keep the food on the table for you and mom
And at the time every house that we lived in
Either kept getting broke into and robbed
Or shot up on the block
The first person that I ever told all of this to in whole, like in depthwas Peyton. Something about her demeanor with the whole situation just made me feel comfortable. I think the thing that was different about her was she didn't pity me. She took me, and Jenny as a part of me. It was my life and she was okay with it. She did more than I could have ever asked for, she was there for me and for my daughter
And your mom was saving money for you in a jar
Tryna start a piggy bank for you so you could go to college
Almost had a thousand dollars till someone broke in and stole it
And I know it hurt so bad it broke your momma's heart
Sometimes I wish that it had been Peyton instead of Nikki, actually all of the time. I know, I know, it is selfish, cruel almost. What teenage girl would want to have their life taken over by a child? The think with Peyton though was she never cared about stuff. She never really had "family" and it was almost like we built our own little family unit.
When we went out places she never cared if people stared at us, two very painfully obvious teenagers with a child. I remember one day we were at the mall grabbing a bite after school and I was wearing my Ravens basketball jacket and she was wearing none other than her cheerleading uniform, with converses may I add, and we were walking through the mall, Jenny on Peyton's hip.
Three old women were sitting at the table beside us and tossing back and forth glances. Peyton then with Jenny on her lap turned to me and said:
"Do you think I look alright? I want to wear my uniform as much as I can before I start showing again."
She didn't even crack a smile, she just continued feeding Jenny. I swear that I could see one of the womens ears turning red, and they left soon thereafter. If there is one word to describe Peyton it is bold.
That was before we were even dating.
And it seemed like everything was just startin' to fall apart
Mom and dad was arguin' a lot so momma moved back
On the Chalmers in the flat one bedroom apartment
And dad moved back to the other side of 8 Mile on Novara
I finally began to accept my feelings for Peyton when Bam, Nikki showed up again. I have never felt a greater fear in my life than the one that I felt when she threatened to take my daughter away from me, and I was never more angry than when she went after Peyton. How could she be mad at her? Peyton was the one who had practically been a mother to Jenny since Nikki had decided to tend to her "other priorities".
And so then I left, I hopped on Peyton's dads boat and sailed away, but not without the kiss. It was quick and there was nothing to it but I swear I had never felt anything like that in my life.
The thing that got me with that kiss was that she leaned in to kiss me. She didn't care about my past, and it was not like she suddenly forgot that I was toting 18 years of cargo, no, Jenny was right in between us… and Peyton didn't care. She never let anyone in, and I to this day don't know why she did me… Peyton was sure something she was:
And that's when daddy went to California with his CD and met Dr. Dre
accepting:
And flew you and momma out to see me
honest:
But daddy had to work, you and momma had to leave me
and as I later found out…
Then you started seeing daddy on the T.V. and momma didn't like it
scared:
And you and Laney were to young to understand it
frightened:
Papa was a rollin' stone
and alone.
momma developed a habit
And it all happened too fast for either one of us to grab it
I'm just sorry you were there and had to witness it first hand
When I got back to Tree Hill I never expected that it would have gotten that bad. I never expected to see the girl that everyone knew, and nobody knew at the same time so broken… She was buying drugs, coke. The hardcore stuff, the stuff that you need to numb a lot of pain… The stuff that you need when you can't deal. And then that broke me.
That first night back I stayed with her, and she was lying in my arms… I never wanted to let her go, but then morning came and the truth was still there. Nikki was after me, and Peyton was in no position to be left alone.
I don't know when or how it occurred to me to stay, maybe it was the look on Jenny's face when she saw Peyton again, maybe it was the way that Peyton looked, so lost, and alone. Completely and utterly depressed.
It was only a couple of nights later that Jenny and I practically moved in with Peyton. Jenny had a crib beside her, … our bed, and it was like for the first time everything was right.
Cuz all I ever wanted to do was just make you proud
Now I'm sittin in this empty house, just reminiscing
Lookin' at your baby pictures, it just trips me out
To see how much you both have grown, it's almost like you're sisters now
Wow, guess you pretty much are
From then on it seemed like nothing could ever go wrong for us again. We had an entire routine going on. Peyton quit cheerleading, no pressure from me, she was more than happy to do it, and she went home for an hour and did homework and then got Jenny from daycare.
I would come home from basketball, and bring something for dinner. We would sit around and eat, and then Peyton would sketch while Jenny played and I did my homework. Then we got Jenny in the bath and ready for bed, together.
After that it was our time to… yanno just kick back and do whatever. For the first time since that day that Nikki walked away I had hope, and that hope kept me going even in the hard times.
and daddy's still here
Laney I'm talkin' to you too, daddy's still here
I like the sound of that, yeah
It's got a ring to it don't it?
Shh, momma's only gone for the moment
Mommas only gone for the moment, that's what I would tell Jenny when Peyton wasn't around, secretly of course. Jenny would look for her everywhere, they were close. When Peyton walked into a room Jenny would always greet her with outstretched arms even when Jenny was tired, or upset, or angry, she always went to Peyton.
And then Nikki came back again, this time it was valid. And once again we were torn apart. I rotted in a jail cell, and my daughter was in Florida with neither one of her parents, her parents being Peyton and I.
And then the day before I got out it happened… Nikki found her, and this time she is the one keeping her from me.
And if you ask me too
Daddy's gonna buy you a mockingbird
Long ago I made a promise to my daughter to always be there for her. She may not remember it but to this day it holds true. I have come too far to lose the battle. My baby girl belongs with me.
I'mma give you the world
I'mma buy a diamond ring for you
I'mma sing for you
I took care of her in the middle of the night when she was sick. I fed up with her fits while she was teething, I taught her how to sit up and drink from a sippy cup, and I sang her to sleep every night of her life.
I'll do anything for you to see you smile
I am only going to be okay when my daughter is okay and back home with Peyton and I where she belongs. Nothing is going to stand in the way of giving my daughter the life that she deserves.
I decided for the first time in my life I am going to do the right thing, not only by my daughter but by Peyton. I am going to get Jenny back, fight for full custody of her, and then give her the life back that Nikki took away. I will I know it, no matter how long it takes.
Soon enough I will be back in bed with Peyton in my arms and Jenny between us, and nothing will be able to hurt us again.
And if that mockingbird don't sing and that ring don't shine
I'mma break that birdies neck
I'd go back to the jewler who sold it to ya
And make him eat every carat don't fuck with dad (haha)
What'd y'all think? Do you want Peytons POV or do you think that it was a good possible one shot? Let me know in a review!
xoxo Jules
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