It was an ordinary day in Konoha, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the Ninjas were doing Ninjary things. But in a dark, smoky basement, deep within the village, an elite team was preparing for their first mission against the unsuspecting populace.
Armed with clipboards, cameras and recording devices, the three-person team planned to assault the village centre during the midday shopping rush-hour. They would ambush anybody and everybody, scale any building, peer through any window, hack any firewall. They would go to any lengths to get their stories.
They were journalists.
First Mission – Ninja Teams
"Gaaaahhh! That hits the spot!" Exclaimed Kimi, downing her 20th cup of coffee of the day. Sabuya Kimiko, 17, was a slightly haggled looking girl, with black hair in two pigtails, which stuck out like someone had impaled a metal bar through her head, and wore large, round-lens glasses. She twitched uncontrollably every now and again, and her eyes could never focus on one thing for very long.
She took her empty cup back to the coffee machine and refilled it, nervously chewing on a pencil as she did.
"How can you drink that shit all the time?" Asked Kai, slouching in an armchair. Seburo Kai, 17, had rugged good looks, and spiky brown hair, which girls would often find attractive – at least until they got to know him. He was, after all, a Class-A pervert. A cigarette was stuck between his lips, and his camera hung on a strap round his neck, ever-ready to capture scenes of particular interest.
"Prime-time shopping hour's about to start." Warned Saiga, from in front of a mass of electronic equipment, "You better get going." Hitachi Saiga, 13, was a quiet and unassuming boy, with light brown hair and youthful looks. He was a genius with computers, but was incredibly shy when it came to people.
Pencil clamped between her teeth, Kimi grabbed her clipboard, dragged the chain-smoking Kai from his chair, and dashed out of the door.
They arrived in the Konoha shopping district at noon. Kimi scanned the crowd for a first victim, trying unsuccessfully to stop her teeth from chattering. Kai's camera shutter clicked, which could only mean one thing – an attractive girl was nearby, and possibly in a scandalous position.
Kimi turned to see Haruno Sakura and Hatake Kakashi walking down the road, the older man's arm around teenager's shoulders, in what could have been the proud embrace of a teacher, or could have been something else entirely…
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We, the Konoha Research and Investigative Committee, are proud to present our first report on the inner workings of Konoha society.
Our first topic of interest is the common structure of Ninja teams, seen not just in those of Konoha, but in those of other nations as well.
This report is divided into two sections. First, a survey of public opinion, and second, a shocking exposé from the Hokage's office itself.
KONOHA INVESTIGATIVE REPORT 1: SURVEY
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"Why do Ninja teams always have two boys and only one girl?"
Survey taken between 12:00 and 13:30, in the Konoha shopping district.
Survey conducted by Sabuya Kimiko and Seburo Kai.
RESULTS OF SURVEY:
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Sakura H. – "There has to be a girl, to keep the boys from getting into trouble, of course. I've always felt that I'm the voice of reason in my team."
--
Kakashi H. – "Yes, having a girl on the team is always a nice distraction."
Sakura H. – "I heard that!"
Kakashi H. – "Oww!"
--
Rock L. – "It's all about male bonding. Strong male relationships are what hold a team together, that's what Gai-sensei says."
--
Jiraiya – "They're Ninja love triangles. I'm writing about them in my next book - 'Make-Out Ninjas'."
Kai – "Can I see it?"
Jiraiya – "No. It's adults only."
Kai – "Maybe we can come to an agreement, I have some pictures you might like."
Jiraiya – "Pictures, you say…"
--
Ino Y. – "It's because male ninjas are sexist pigs and don't give us girls equal treatment."
Kai – "Say, can I take some photos of you? Y'know, for our glamour page?"
Ino Y. – "Go ahead, handsome."
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Sai – "Huh? Two boys? I thought Naruto was a girl."
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Kiba I. – "I don't know. It's probably just because there are more boy ninjas than girls, they have to balance the teams out."
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Shino 'The Emo' A. – "Leave me alone."
(NOTE: Derogatory name-calling is the singular province of Seburo Kai. All ensuing lawsuits should be directed towards him alone.)
--
Anko M. – "Heh! One girl is more than a match for two boys."
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The survey had been a reasonably successful first mission, Kimi thought to herself. She would have liked to have made it longer, but her extreme coffee withdrawal symptoms had caused her to chew her pencil into splinters.
Kai was becoming a problem as well. Sakura and Ino had provoked only minor drooling, but upon the arrival of Mitarashi Anko, who in the habit of wearing only a fishnet t-shirt and an open jacket, Kimi had been forced to knock Kai out, to prevent him from going into a groping fit.
It was strange, Kimi thought, that even though they had known each other since childhood, Kai had never made any advances on her. Usually, anything that walked upright and had breasts was enough to grab his attention, but never even once had he made any indication that he was interested in her. Not that that was a bad thing. She knew what he was really like, and didn't much like the idea of becoming one of his perverted fantasies.
"Kai! Wake up!" She yelled in his ear.
"Gaaaah…" He moaned, clawing his way back to consciousness, "That hurt, Kimi!"
"It's better than the alternative." Kimiko warned him, "Anko-sama isn't known for her forgivingness. You could have been killed!"
"But it would have been soooo worth it." He grinned distractedly, lighting up a cigarette.
Kimi noticed her hand was spasming, and tried futilely to stop it. "Come on, lets get back to HQ."
By the time they got back to the basement, Kimiko was shivering all over. Nearly two hours without coffee was taking a heavy toll on her body functions, and Kai had been getting worried that he might actually have to carry her the last stretch.
Saiga was quietly waiting for them, a steaming mug in his hand. The younger boy timidly offered it to Kimi, who gulped it down like it was the water of life. "How did it go?" He asked, once she regained enough sanity to speak.
"It went well." Kimi nodded, "We got some good opinions. Now we need to get them typed up, and get the second part."
"Are you sure you can do it?" Kai asked Saiga, "Are you sure you can hack into the Hokage's office databanks?"
"I think so." Saiga shrugged, "I've done it before for fun."
"Strange way to have fun." Kai frowned.
Minutes later, they were clustered around Saiga as he worked his magic on the computer. Numbers and codes flew past on screen at such a pace that even Kimiko, who's caffeine-fuelled brain allowed her to read and write at inhuman speeds, couldn't keep up with it.
All of a sudden, the screen went blank, and then flashed on again, displaying a desktop with folders and files. "I'm in." Saiga said quietly. He pulled up the search tool, searched the keywords 'ninja team', '2 males' and '1 female'. A single file appeared, entitled 'TOP SECRET: Selective Breeding Program'. "We could get arrested for this." Saiga warned them.
"It's our duty as journalists to report the truth to the world." Kai declared, leaning in, obviously eager to see what twisted plans the higher-up's had for the youth of Konoha.
Kimiko took a long slurp of coffee. "Do it." She said.
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Our names are Sabuya Kimiko, Seburo Kai and Hitachi Saiga. We are The Konoha Research and Investigative Committee. If this is the last anyone hears of us, it is likely that we have been arrested and are being held in a dungeon by our own government.
Despite the dangers, it is our duty as journalists to report the truth to the world. The freedom of the press can never be taken away.
KONOHA INVESTIGATIVE REPORT 1: THE TRUTH
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The following document has been directly taken from databanks of the Hokage's office, it has not been altered or enhanced in any way.
TOP SECRET: SELECTIVE BREEDING PROGRAM
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To the Hokage-sama, whomever that may be.
Our great nation has long prided itself on the combat ability of our ninjas, however this balance is fragile, and must be carefully controlled.
Without tight restrictions, our nation would be swamped with generations of untalented, unskilled ninjas, with little or no tactical value, therefore only the best and most determined are chosen to become ninjas.
Those who make it through the induction process are divided into teams. Ninja teams must always consist of 2 males and 1 female, besides the captain. This number has been carefully researched and has proven the most efficient for furthering our great nation.
Statistics show that within a 3-unit team, it is more likely that two of the team will form a breeding pair, the offspring of which will contain the strengths of both. The offspring will then become ninjas themselves, and the cycle repeats.
Due to this system, the military strength of Konoha is expected to rise exponentially, easily surpassing that of our rival nations within a few generations.
For the glory and betterment of Konoha.
Kurohana Jin
Senior Researcher
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After reading the document, no one had spoken. Kai had gone over to his corner and had started chain-smoking again, and Saiga had quietly tinkered with his equipment, despite there being nothing wrong with it. Kimi recognised what they were doing as a way of relieving the pressure, she herself had already turned five pencils into woodchips.
In one moment, they all looked round to each other and nodded. They had done what was necessary to be done. Now they would type their work up into a report, which would be printed in their new column in The Konoha Times the following day.
The rest was up to fate…