Author's note: all the usual disclaimers apply. Just romantic(ish) fluff, but hey we all need a bit of that at times.
Something about Havers' tone had worried Tommy. It was unusual for his sergeant to ask for time off, especially at such short notice, and she had barely smiled all day. He had even used his best corny joke as they sat in traffic but Barbara had sniggered half-heartedly and stared out the window. She had even left early without any interest in the quick pint that he had proposed. He knew something was wrong but he had no idea what.
"Lynley," he said quickly as he answered his phone. It was was his mother. He had hoped it was Barbara.
His mother chatted for a few minutes then asked bluntly, "Tommy you're distracted. What's wrong?"
"Nothing to worry about Mother. It's just that Barbara was acting strangely today and needs to take tomorrow off."
"Some Detective Inspector you are if you don't know what's wrong."
"She didn't say and I didn't like to pry. Barbara can be very private."
"From what you've told me she has few friends apart from you. Maybe you needed to be Tommy when she asked instead of her boss."
Her words hit home. When she told him she needed the day to attend to a personal matter he had been behind his desk. He had simply looked up and seeing the worry on her face had said, "of course." He cursed his stupidity for not getting up and going around to her. He should have asked if he could help but that usually backfired on him so he had waited for her to ask. She had stood awkwardly for a moment then excused herself. He wished he could have that moment back.
"Mother, sorry I have to go. I have to go to her now and see if I can help."
Lynley drove quickly. Her flat was only twenty minutes away but tonight he was there in fifteen. Her light was on. He took a deep breath and rang her bell. The heavy blue door swung open to reveal a haggard, slightly shriveled effigy of his partner. It was clear she had been crying. "Sir! Why are you here?"
"Oh Barbara what's wrong?" It pained him to see her so distraught and trying bravely to hide it. "I was worried. May I come in?"
Barbara was standing forlornly in lime green flannelette pyjamas with a print of small monkeys eating bananas. Panda slippers adorned her feet. She nodded then turned and toddled down her hall. Tommy could not help but smile at her childlike innocence.
"Coffee? Tea? Nightcap?"
"Tea but only if you were having one. Barbara stop fussing and come and talk with me."
"If it's about the case I'm not up to it tonight Sir."
He moved next to her and took the teapot from her shaking hand. He placed it on the kitchen bench then put his arm around her shoulder. "Tell me," he said gently.
"Can't. I'm alright. Really."
"Barbara, we're friends. You can tell me anything. I want to help you."
Her eyes filed with unspent tears as she looked up trustingly at his face. "I'm fine, honestly but thank you for caring enough to come over."
"Of course I care enough. You're my...dearest friend."
Now tears did spill from her eyes. Tommy had only seen her like that once and instinctively he wrapped his arms around her and held her close, just as he had done on that day. She returned the hug and he laid his face gently on her head. Tommy was startled by how good it felt to hold her. The warmth of her hands was comforting on his back and her breath, filtered by the cotton of his shirt, made the hairs on his chest move in a way that was oddly soothing. The citrusy scent of her hair, and its silkiness against his face made him crave to be closer. He tightened his embrace and held her until her sobbing ceased. "It's okay Barbara, I'm here. You can confide in me. You can trust me with anything."
When Barbara broke away Tommy felt lonely. He was supposed to be comforting her and yet he felt as if holding her was mending a part of him that he had not realised was broken. He was mortified but oddly unsurprised with his desire to kiss her. He knew it would be a mistake. He was here to help her and any attempt to kiss her would be seen as taking advantage of her. She would never forgive him and he would never forgive himself.
She thrust a piece of paper in his hands. He read it quickly. "Oh Barbara! You should've told me." He looked at the date of the letter. It was nearly a week old. "How long have you known?"
"Since the night before last. I wasn't too concerned at first but today they rang and insisted I have the test this week. That's when it hit me that 'abnormal' was their code word for 'suspected cancer'."
"You don't know that," he said logically, "abnormal test results can come from many causes."
"I just thought it was an infection. The ultrasound was inconclusive but now the blood tests are abnormal. Elevated levels of things I don't understand. They want me to have a biopsy tomorrow. That's why I need the time off. They say it is very painful."
"I'll come with you," he declared. "If you will let me," he added cautiously.
She nodded and fresh tears rolled down her cheeks. "Thank you Sir. You don't have to do that."
"I want to Barbara. You shouldn't have to face this alone and you don't have to. I'm always here for you. I hope you know that."
Tommy embraced her again and they clung to each other as if the next minutes might be their last. Slowly Tommy began to caress her back in long, consoling strokes. The thought of possibly losing her was terrifying. He had assumed she would be there forever but when he thought logically about it, that made no sense. He had no claim over her. He knew they had both fought to stay together over time. They had skillfully dodged transfers and even promotion. Now Tommy realised why; at least on his part. He was astounded that he had never realised before that he loved her as far more than his colleague or friend.
Barbara eventually straightened in his arms. "How about that tea?"
They sat at her bench chatting about nothing as they sipped several cups of tea. Barbara looked up at the clock and frowned. "It's gone eleven Sir. I understand if you need to go."
"Do you want me to go?"
"No," she admitted as she looked down at the floor.
"Then let me stay."
Barbara had no frame of reference to guide her. He had stayed once before, curled uncomfortably on her couch, when he could not face going home but this time was different; he was here for her and she wondered if he intended to share her bed. "Thank you," she replied hoping that indicated she would not object.
She had been disappointed when he had not asked at the office why she needed the time off. She had wanted to share her fears and have him tell her why they were exaggerated. But he had not questioned her and she knew it was mainly because she could still, after all their years together, be prickly and volatile. She had come home and had a long warm shower and tried to reassure herself everything would be fine. She was not particularly scared of dying although she did not want to suffer. She had tried to approach it logically by searching the internet for information. Nothing gave her any reassurance that she did not have cancer. Only the biopsy and tests would confirm or deny.
She had sat numbly on her couch thinking about her life. Her brother and parents were dead and other than Winston and Stuart her only friend was her boss. She cherished his friendship. She sometimes wondered if he knew that she actually adored him despite his periodic moody arrogance. It had often been a struggle to just be his friend. That night he had come to her for comfort they had spoken about how important they were to each other. She had almost told him but she had known that if anything had happened it would have been from his aching loneliness, not any desire for her. He loved her as a friend and now he was here proving it to be true.
Barbara looked at him uncertainly and unusually he looked awkward. Finally he moved to her couch and patted the seat next to him. She sat and he turned off the lamp. The darkness was less frightening than the light and when his arm extended around her shoulder she sank gratefully into him. Her motivation mattered little and even she did not know if it was forbidden desire or fear of her future.
"What time's your appointment?"
"Ten."
"Barbara...I know what you will say but if, and I mean IF, there is anything wrong I'll pay for the best care. Don't say no. Let me do it for you."
"Let's hope I don't need to decide."
Tommy kissed the top of her head and pulled her closer, cocooning her in his arms. "It will be okay Barbara. My cousin Richmond lost a kidney to cancer nearly twenty years ago and I see him every year at Ascot. Not that I think you have cancer but it truly isn't as grim as was twenty years ago."
"Knowing that doesn't make it any less scary."
"I know Barbara but we'll face it together, okay?" She nodded and turned her face into his shoulder as he held her.
She woke with a start when Tommy shifted his weight. He was trying to move his leg. "Oh Barbara, I'm sorry. My leg's gone to sleep."
In the dark the decision was much easier. "We'd both be more comfortable in my bed."
She took his hand and led the way down the unlit corridor. She had expected him to lie down in his clothes but when he stripped off his shirt and trousers she was glad the dark hid her embarrassment. When his socks came off she held her breath. He climbed in as if it was his bed and she began to breathe again. The thought of him in her bed in nothing more than his jocks was disturbing but also somewhat wonderful. Her double bed was too small for them to have much space but at least it was not a single. The bed had never been shared but it was her statement of adulthood. Only children and old people slept in single beds. She nervously slipped under the sheets and tried to take up as little space as possible.
Tommy searched for her with his hands and gently encouraged her to move closer. As she snuggled into him his skin tingled as her hair and face brushed it. He made sure only their top halves touched aware that his body was betraying his true desires. He suppressed a groan when her hand came to rest on his side and she wriggled closer. He kissed her forehead then locked her head under his chin afraid that he might not be able to resist kissing her. His feelings were simultaneously glorious and frightening. He was here to protect her and support her and he was determined that he would not let the circumstances lead them into something they were ill-prepared to confront.
When Barbara woke with the light creeping through her window she smiled. Tommy was cuddled close behind her like spoons in drawer, his hand draped over her holding a handful of monkeys and bananas. As he stirred her smile grew broader. She knew the physiology of waking men but until he spoke she could pretend they were lovers and that it was her that caused it.
Tommy felt Barbara moving against him. She was clearly oblivious to the consequences if she continued. He decided discretion was better than temptation. He sat up and left her bed with a cheery, "good morning Barbara. I'll be right back."
True to his word he returned from the bathroom and climbed back under the covers and wrapped his arms around her. "Why don't you pack a bag and come back to my place tonight?"
"Why? You think it'll be bad news don't you?"
He sensed her fear. "No, but either way if it were me I wouldn't want to spend the night alone. We can have dinner and talk or simply sit and read, or watch television. I don't want to lie awake thinking of you here alone when we could be together." Barbara frowned at him. "Humour me Barbara. I care about you. I need to know you are okay. Shock and even relief have affects you can't predict. I want to be there for you, to support you, to protect you."
"Protect me?"
"Shield you, comfort you. I don't know, what's a better word? Love you?"
"I see," she said warily while her heart did a thousand star jumps.
"I think I'd like to take up your invitation Tommy. I'm glad you came around last night. It...helped...a lot...just to know I'm not alone."
"You'll never be alone." She had finally called him by name and he gave her one of his most sincere smiles which broadened when he saw her eyes twinkle in response. He quickly kissed on the forehead before he was tempted to kiss her properly.