Money and Matrimony
An Investigation Into the Marriage of Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy
By Charlotte Collins
June 27- At Pemberly, the impressive residence of the Darcy family, an event is taking place that many have believed would never happen. Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy is being married.
However, he is not being wed to Miss Anne De Bourgh, as was expected. Instead, Mr. Darcy is marrying Miss Elizabeth Bennett, an independent and accomplished young lady of great beauty and lesser birth. As one views this long-awaited wedding, it appears that the bride and groom greatly adore each other. But do they?
Fitzwilliam Darcy is a rich man. A very rich man. He makes over ten thousand pounds a year and lives at Pemberly, his gorgeous estate. There is probably nobody in the whole of England, save the queen, who is as wealthy as he.
So is Elizabeth Bennett betrothed to him for love? Or for money? Is this a simple case of star-crossed lovers, or is there a little more behind this story? And, as every reader is clamoring to know, it is true that Miss Bennett is utilizing witchcraft to better her place in society?
Lady Catherine de Bourgh, proprietor of the opulent estate of Rosings, has a very low opinion of Elizabeth Bennett. "She is the most rude, self-centered, selfish young lady I have ever had the misfortune to meet." she states boldly. "And ambitious as well. That girl would stop at nothing to achieve her ends. My daughter Anne had a tacit engagement to Mr. Darcy, and she was so distraught when she heard the news. That girl! So full of herself, always has a smug smile on her face."
As the mother of the jilted bride-to-be, perhaps Lady de Bourgh is not entirely unbiased. However, her sentiments were repeated by many people, including respected clergyman William Collins. "Foolish girl." he blatantly says. "Nothing is too good for that lady. Walks around with her nose high in the air, looking down with condescension on the rest of the world."
It isn't as if her family is completely pure, as well. It was discovered that the Bennett family has an uncle who works as an attorney in Meryton. They also have relatives who reside in Cheapside. In addition to that, their youngest daughter Lydia eloped with a military officer, George Wickham.
"Oh, it was so much fun." Lydia Wickham gushes. "We just ran off to London together, you know? George didn't want to get married, but Father paid him ten thousand pounds to be wed to me. I had the most marvelous dress, with lace trim and all sorts of sequins around the neckline. And I was the first daughter to be married! How often does that happen? What luck I had, and then all my sisters were so very envious of me."
Elizabeth Bennett is shrouded in secrecy, covering up scandals in the family and lesser relatives. But is that all she has to hide? Sir William Lucas doesn't think so.
"That girl is a known practicer of one of the greatest evils that haunt this world. Witchcraft! I knew dear Lizzy as she was growing up, and in dismay I watched as the local coven of witches drew her in. She was such a bright, clever girl, but no match for their evil potions and spells. They snared her in a web of trickery and deceit." he says, a manic gleam in his eye. "But our group of witch hunters is well on to her. We will not let these demons escape! If we allow them to continue living in Meryton, sooner or later they will steal the souls of all our precious children.
"To assist the noble cause of eradicating witchcraft from our lives, visit our web site, /meryton. You can also call 1-800-WITCHES or send a letter to 666 Witchery Street, Salem Massachusetts. We accept donations of check or cash."
Lucas is not the only believer in this evil. Miss Anne de Bourgh is convinced in the existence of witchcraft as well. "How else would she have made Fitzwilliam Darcy fall in love with her?" she asks quietly and sincerely, eyes wide in her pale, thin face. "Elizabeth must have brewed a love potion and slipped in into his drink. She had plenty of opportunity to do so, after all. He dined at their house often following the betrothal of Elizabeth's sister Jane to his friend Charles."
Miss Caroline Bingley had never heard of that theory before, but is completely convinced of its truthfulness. "I can't say it surprises me, a girl like that caught up in witchcraft. She was always dithering about, doing rude, improper things. I remember one morning where she walked three miles through mud and rain because her sister was ill. Imagine that! She came dashing over to Netherfield, my brother's estate, because her sister had caught a cold. So unseemly, I don't know what she was thinking."
Are the rumors of witchcraft flitting around just rumors? Or could there be more? Is it possible that Sir William Lucas hasn't lost his mind after all?
Mrs. Long, accused leader of the local witch coven, plays innocent. "I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about!" she blusters, full of rage. "I have known Elizabeth Bennett her whole life long, and she is no more a witch than the queen is. A bit queer in the head perhaps, but we can't all be perfect."
Jane Bingley agrees. "Whoever is saying that about Elizabeth has lost their mind. She is not a witch, and nobody else in Meryton is either. Well, maybe my sister-in-law Caroline Bingley, but I doubt she has the brains to accomplish even that. Knowing her, she would get her eye of newt mixed up with the rowan wand." she says derisively. "And if it's Sir William Lucas spreading these rumors, he really has lost his mind, not just misplaced it for a while."
Witchcraft at Longbourn Estate might be nothing more than a fanciful rumor going around, but readers can be sure that something fishy is going on. By probing deep into the layer of lies and deceit that surround the Bennett family, it has been discovered that what the Bennett's are trying to hide is nothing more than an act of kindness.
"Mr. Darcy actually paid off the money that Wickham asked, so Lydia would be married," confides Mrs. Gardiner, a close relative of the Bennetts. "He really did it for Elizabeth. He was madly in love with her for ages, and when he had a chance to do something nice for the family, well, he seized that chance. Lizzy was ever so grateful, of course, and soon after consented to marrying him. She had been in love with him for a while too, but I suppose it took that one last kindness to allow her to realize it."
So money was really no motive in this marriage? "Oh no, not at all." Gardiner assures us. "Eliza isn't like that. She really couldn't care less how wealthy Mr. Darcy is."
"He is so kind." Elizabeth confesses on being interviewed. Clad in white satin, she makes a beautiful picture. "I rejected him rather cruelly once, you know. And all of a sudden I came to my senses and realized how wonderful he really is."
"Elizabeth is very funny, and not afraid to stand up to people." Fitzwilliam Darcy states solemnly. "That, and her piano playing, is probably what attracted me in the first place. Elizabeth is the most perfect person I know, except for the cauldron she hides in her closet."
As the truth is finally revealed, it becomes evident that this wedding is nothing out of the ordinary. The only deep, dark, hidden secret at this ceremony is the housekeeper's ancient family recipe for wedding cake. It is one very tasty wedding cake as well, covered in pink sugar roses, seven layers of white fluffy cake, and creamy whipped frosting.
Elizabeth's final words before leaving the wedding she spoke as she dutifully shredded one of Sir William Lucas's 'Witch Hunters' business cards. "CHARLOTTE!" she screams. "If you publish this story, I shall NEVER speak to you again!"