Disclaimer- Someday I'll look back on all the disclaimers I've written, and I'll think to myself what a waste of time they were. And I'll think about things that I could've been doing instead of telling people that nothing belongs to me but a simple little plot line that doesn't exist in the first place.
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Well it's Time for Me to Go and Leave it All Behind
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That's how it has to be. I have to leave and everything will change. She cared too much and he expected too much and I have to give it up before I get older (before we get older) and I can't give it up anymore. So it's time for me to go and leave it all behind.
I'm so angry at him for doing this to me. I want to kill him, strangle him, torture him and make him bleed. I wanted to be just like him. I wanted to grow up and be as honorable and strong as him. But I didn't. I grew up hateful and angry and cold and lost. Hateful for he turned out to be something I really didn't want to be, angry because I loved my big brother so much. Cold because he ruined my life and took my family and I couldn't deal with it so I froze everything warm inside, and lost without my idol.
What was I supposed to do, being just an eight year old kid? I still feel that way sometimes. I still feel small and weak and lost sometimes. Without my mum. Without my dad and brother. Without all of those wonderful, loving people I called family. But they're dead, and I want him dead, and then I'll truly be alone. Truly, definitely the last Uchiha.
So I have to leave. I will go and become strong, forget that I have a heart, forget that people actually care about my life, forget that I used to love my big brother. That stupid, stupid man. I'll go and leave it all behind and pray that I'll be so tired after this day that I won't dream about what I had and what I lost and who I abandoned.
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(that broken heart; that hurt best friend)
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Years. It's been years and months and days and all the time in the world since anyone smiled at me. Since anyone cared about me, my soul, not my eyes or my power or my body that has become so strong. There's a crack in my heart that I can't seem to fill. No matter what I layer over it (hate, cold, darkness) it doesn't go away. Sometimes I think memories live in the crack in my heart.
Sometimes those memories push past the layers while my guard is down (while I sleep) and give me the worst (best) nightmares (fantasies). She smiles and holds my hand, he grins and says he's going to be the best, and sometimes my mum is baking cookies and singing to the crack in my heart so I can't let it go.
I hate where I am. I hate what's happened to me and the reason for it all. If only the crack in my heart didn't make me feel sometimes, remember sometimes, cry sometimes. I wish it would just go away sometimes. I wish it would all just go away.
But it won't. I keep holding on and holding, and I'm so close to being strong. So close to being truly, definitely alone. So close to being taken over by the blackest, most twisted snake you have ever seen. So close to loosing it and murdering the world and burning for eternity.
But I won't let go of the crack in my heart, even though I try to fill it in. I think (hope) someday it'll burst wide open, and maybe I'll die.
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(maybe I'll live forever and ever and finally hold hands with her and tell him he's more of a brother to me than that other man could ever be)
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My eyes feel like they're bleeding. My arm is twisted in such a way that I can't look at it, can't breath while I lay here with busted insides, but I'm so numb none of it bothers me anyway. Because I finally won. I'm truly, definitely the last Uchiha. And it doesn't feel so good. I worked so hard, became so strong. But I'm crying. Crying for the one that I wanted to be like, crying for the one that made father so proud.
Crying for my big brother.
I wish now that it didn't have to go this way. I wish I could've grown up and held her hand and asked her to marry me, congratulated him for becoming the best and leading a nation full of the Will of Fire. I wish my father was alive to finally be proud of me. I wish my brother hadn't betrayed me and I could've relied on him to be there when I didn't know what to do. I wish my mum was still alive to bake me cookies and sing me to sleep.
But everyone's gone. I'm alone, I'm the last, and I feel like crying and sobbing until I can't breathe like the eight year old little kid that still wants to see his trustworthy big brother take out the bad guy. But I can't even do that, because I'm going numb and I'm broken and I feel like I'm breathing water. My mouth tastes like so much red.
Now I think of the ones I left behind. I think of the girl that I should've smiled back at, should've held her hand sometimes. Should've kissed her. I think of the boy who was always so loud and determined to be noticed. Maybe I should've called him my best friend to his face. Should've said he was better than the brother that betrayed me.
But it's too late. The crack in my heart burst open, just like I thought (hoped) it would, and all those things I covered up are flowing through me and drowning me in all their relentless feeling, but it's too late for that. I won't be able to show anyone that I'm changed. That I'm sorry, and I'm sad, and I wish I could've been different and dealt with the pain of loss instead of hiding and freezing it inside me.
I think it's almost time to go and leave it all behind. I can feel it filling my lungs and slowing my heart and pouring out of all those holes in my body that I had to make strong. I feel so much unbridled sadness that I won't get to see him or her again (the sweet girl who loved and the boy that was my true brother) because I'm going to a place they won't ever see. They've always been so bright, always tried to share it with me, but it's too late and I'm going to burn in darkness for all of my hate and coldness and vengeance.
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(green eyes and blonde hair and tears all around, pulling me away from my eternal dreams)
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I feel like I should die, even though I know I'm already dead. But then I'm confused, because I see so much white light and smiles and hear the voices of my closest companions. I don't know where I am at all. They can't be dead, but I can't be alive. Words are pushing through the ringing in my ears. Someone tells me they're going to kill me when I'm not already so close to being dead. Someone else tells me I'm going to get slugged for causing so much worry and tears. A boy and a girl. The ones that care.
I am alive. I'm in a familiar village, a hospital. But something else is worming around the edges of my hazy mind, and I don't realize it until someone chokes out an emotional laugh, telling me what my brain can't seem to get a hold of. I'm home. Thank God Almighty, I'm home!
Suddenly I want to see everyone. The green eyes and the blonde hair and the smiles. I test myself. I wiggle my cramped fingers. Shove air through the dusty vocal chords in my throat. Work and work to open my eyes. I squint into that white light, and I'm impatient to be able to see. I can't move anything, so I look around through blurry vision. A face suddenly pops into my view, filled with green eyes and a happy smile and tears that fall on my face. I smile back, feeling a teardrop roll off my cheek and down my jaw and onto the pillow under my head.
And then there's another face, with blonde hair and blue eyes and a blinding smile. With both of those faces there, and the white all around, and knowing that I'm home, I suddenly realize that (holy shit!) I'm complete. After fourteen years of feeling alone and cold and angry and lost, I don't feel that way anymore. I feel like I have a family again, and they make me warm, ease my suffering, comfort me.
I've realized something else, too. I don't have a crack in my heart anymore. I never did fill it in. It burst and filled me in with all the things I tried to forget and cover up. I don't have any cracks, but I have some scars. I sad scar for my family, for my brother that I wish could've been good. A violent scar that I made myself, for all those years I let the hate inside rule me.
But I won't be a sap. I'm not completely changed. She'll still be annoying (lovely) and he'll still be a dobe (best friend). I won't ever forget the things that have happened, the things I've done. But I'm going to try something. I'm going to try to be bright like the ones who care about me. And what will happen to the darkness, and the hate, and the vengeance?
Well, I guess it's time for me to go and leave it all behind.
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(Fin.)
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Well that took about forever and a half. But I feel better. Today has just been horrid, because I've been nasty and mean to my family, and to my friends, and I feel like the worst kind of crap on a stick. So I wrote angst and emo-ness to release all this yucky tension. I hope you liked it. n.n I know I need to work on my chappie fics, but I'm so drained right now. I think I'll procrastinate some more, build up the courage to look over my stupid chappie fics that suck on so many levels, and try to work them out later.
Send me some thoughts please?
Mistoffelees Shadow