Hi guys, I hope you like this fic, it was inspired by a song called Remember Who I Was by James Arthur and a quote from Lemony Snicket. Sorry if there are any mistakes, I haven't got a beta. If you would like this to become a multi-chapter fic comment below!
"dear reader,
I hope, for your sake, that you have not chosen to read this story because you are in the mood for a pleasant experience. If this is the case, I advise you to put this down instantaneously, for this is the story of two of the worlds best assassins in their moment of weakness"
I know I hurt you, I was so unkind
I was ungrateful, I wasted your time
But I was young and lost, so lost
They were so young in a matter of speaking.
But yet they were not innocent.
She was training to be an assassin. And he was her trainer. But it was so much more complicated.
He was programmed to be a weapon, ruthless, and emotionless. To be nothing more than a machine built to destroy everything in its path. And he did a damn good job. He never spent more than a few weeks on a mission; his captors wanted his view of the world to be as small as possible. With little to no interaction with other humans for his conditioning to work the best. It took a very long time for the stubborn Sargent Barnes to be erased, but every so often he made an ugly appearance, and well he had to be eradicated immediately. Whenever a mission ended, he was sent back to his cryogenic chamber, for years at a time. His name was the Winter Soldier.
She was a young Russian wanting to be the world's best assassin, even better than him. She was taught to follow orders, and never stray. The training started young. She couldn't remember a time before she had a rigorous regime of training, weaponry and ballet. She was part of a team of trainees but her mind was set on becoming the best. Her name would become the Black Widow.
But then he came along and it all seemed to change; for both of them.
See, you took this poor boy and changed his whole life
Granted his wishes and dreams overnight
And I saw stars, they shot me down
But I deserved it, they knocked me out
When he arrived, the whole demeanor of the unit changed, there were more guards around the girls and whenever he was in the room, all eyes were on him, they were afraid of him, that much was clear. Even to the girls. Once he started training, some girls stood out, one of which being Natalia Romanoff. She caught his eye almost immediately, even with his blank mind. For the first time in what felt like forever he felt something unknown, almost like an emotion.
When she first saw him, she knew he was dangerous, his metal arm glinting in the light being a constant reminder. He was more than dangerous. His eyes were the first things that caught her eye, the way they held no emotion and yet could speak a thousand words. One thing was very clear; he was not in control of his own body nor his mind. And that chilled her to her core. Was that what she would become?
I'm just waking up now, in the tears of the ones I love
It's quiet, I'll bet that everybody thinks I'm done
I need to get up now, I've been down here far too long
For years I've been lost, now I remember who I was
Who I was, who I was
As the weeks past, he barely spoke, only muttering commands when needed. But they fell into a routine. One that neither of their handlers knew. It all started one night, when she came to empty her mind by using a punching bag. After an hour of her constant training, he appeared. First just leaning against the doorframe staring at her movements like it was enchanting. Once he felt brave enough he entered the room and copied her movements on another punching bag near bag. It was then she realized this was the first time she'd seen him without his handler or guards, Natalia wasn't sure if she should be relieved or scared.
The silence between them was not the uncomfortable one, but almost a shared appreciation of what they were doing; trying to forget where or who they were. But then Natalia one of the questions that had been on her mind since she met him.
"What is your name?" She already knew the name they called him but what she really wanted to know was the name he was born with.
"I don't know"
I am the one who beat me black and blue
No one can hurt all your feelings like you
Whoa, I know it, or validate
And that was how it all began. After their first encounter, it seemed like a daily ritual, they both arrived separately and either sparred together or by themselves. Some days they talk and others they don't.
After a while, his eyes started to change, they started to hold something more than emptiness and Natalia longed for the moments when it shows. Though she only sees these emotions during the night, never during the day, something she's sure has something to do with his handlers.
He was breaking, that was the best way to explain it. He knew the difference in his demeanor around her; she makes him feel something he never thought would be possible, happiness, even if it were just for a brief period of time. But as he becomes more aware of his existence, something weighs him down; he is a monster. He may not know who he was before the Winter Solider, but he knows that he was created to be a monster and that's what he's become. The only moments where he feels even remotely human is with her.
During the day they kept their growing relationship to themselves, both knowing what would happen if they were kept. Something he was very aware of, his scarred body proof of their ruthlessness. And yet they couldn't stop. Every time either of them tried to stop, their bodies refused to listen.
See, if you're a misfit and feel out of place
Or you don't like how you look, it's okay
'Cause someone will, but you need to love yourself
Don't end up like me, don't end up like me
In the day, sometimes their relationship effected them, she started staring at him longer than she should and when he shows her how to improve her posture his fingers linger on her skin. It was the start of something they knew was fated to end horribly but they still carried on.
One day he was the first one to speak, something that was very rare, usually it was Natalia starting their conversations.
"I know my name" He spoke quietly and unsure, as if someone might be listening.
"You do?"
"I think its James"
"How do you know?"
"I don't know" as he spoke he shrugged.
Then they went back to silence but Natalia's head went into overdrive, thinking how beautiful his name was and how it suited him. His name was James.
I'm just waking up now, in the tears of the ones I love
It's quiet, I'll bet that everybody thinks I'm done
I need to get up now, I've been down here for too long
Soon their nightly activities changed, instead of training, they carefully caressed each other, growing closer with each day. Until one day when their faces got to close to each other, their lips connected and it was like everything stopped. As their kiss got more passionate, he pushed her towards one of the walls, one of her hands griping his head and the other holding his hip against hers. His hands were pushing against the wall, and he had to control himself as much as possible in order to not break the wall.
Their antics were never the same after that. Every night, instead of going to the training room, Natalia went directly to his bedroom, spending most of the nights making love to each other and the rest of the time talking about anything. His scars were the thing that affected her the most, she knew they had torture him to get him under their control, but seeing exactly what they did was worse.
They could never put a name on what they had, but came pretty close to love. Though how would either of them know what that was, they weren't exactly innocent and naïve.
For years I've been lost, now I remember who I was
Who I was, who I was (I've been down here for)
Who I was, who I was
Slowly things started coming back to him and he knew it was because of her, she glued his heart and mind back together. He now knew he was from a place called Brooklyn, he was a solider not like the one he has become and he had a best friend, who he couldn't quite remember their name but knew they were important to him.
One night that all changed.
The door to his room was destroyed as men with guns ran in dragging her from his body, and others holding him down with all their force until his operators arrived and subdued him. Their worst nightmare was coming true; they knew.
When he woke up he was strapped in a chair with guards lining the walls and two either side of him, directly in front of him was Natalia chained to the wall, with tears streaming down her face. It was then he realized the guards next to him were in fact doctors of some sort, attacking a helmet to his head with wires all over the place. He knew what this meant; the pain he was about to experience and the mind-numbing electrics running through his brain reducing it to nothing, to what he was before; their asset. His only hope was that they didn't subject her to this type of torture.
As soon as the pain began, his screams echoed the room as Natalia pleaded with anyone who would listen to stop his pain.
His final thoughts before having his brain mashed to pieces were - I loved her…
And then his eyes were empty. Emulating his mind. He looked straight through her as if she was nothing.
James was gone.
Her James was gone.
And so was what was left of her heart.
For years I've been lost, now I remember who I was
Who I was, who I was (I've been down here for)
Who I was, who I was