Disclaimer: I don't own twilight, and to be honest, I'm glad I don't ;)

Okay, I shall start of by saying that I did base my story on another Parody called Sexy Hogwarts: A parody by secret Snoopy, so don't start calling me a copycat, because I know this and am giving them credit. I'd also like to thank the authors of the Hunger Pains for one of their ideas. Don't worry though, a lot of this is my own material. I had to research a lot- the things i do for you! The second half will be out soo, and I am continuing with my other story, so please read, Favourite, and review!

Slightly sexy Twilight: a parody

Once upon a time, in the wee hours of the morning, Edward Cullen was walking through the Forks high school corridors, which were completely deserted. He had become bored with watching Bella sleep, which is kind of creepy to be hones- I mean, its sooo romantic!

So anyway, he had become bored with being such a stalker, especially when this black guy climbed into the windows and had started singing, "he's climbing in yo' windows, snatchin' yo' people up!" he had decided to come to the high school to see if any students had fallen asleep during class and had been left behind, so he could have fun watching them "breathe." Like a guy who sees people breathe daily still finds it so "fascinating."

As he walked along, going nowhere in particular, he found a coffin in the middle of the hallways. Suddenly, he decided to go in and close the door. He remembered in story books about vampires sleeping in coffins, and wanted to know what it was like. "It's ridiculous though," he murmured to himself as he climbed in, "everyone knows that vampires sparkle, not sleep in coffins."

Unfortunately, once he got bored again, he tried to turn the knob, but it wouldn't budge! Not even when he used his strength. Not even when he tried to run really really fast. Not even when he attempted to sparkle it to death! "Oh no!" he cried to no one in particular, "I'm stuck in a coffin! This would be a highly sexual situation if I were not all by myself! The horror!"

So Jacob black was walking through the Forks high school deserted corridor, trying to calm himself down after he had got all hot with angst, going nowhere in particular. He doesn't even go to that school, but he likes stalking just as much as Edward does. Speaking of whom, there's only one deserted corridor in the whole school, so it must be the same one that Edward had been walking through too! Coincidence? Or just the wako plot of the author? Ooh, you'll have to read on to find out!

It was then when Jacob found an old coffin. Wow, how interesting, I wonder what's behind that door? Jacob wondered to himself. Despite common logic, (which you would also need to like an expressionless b- I mean, Kristen Stewart is like, the best actress of all time!) he went in.

"Oh crap, don't let the door close-"but it was too late. "Dammit!" cussed Edward. "I'm trapped in a coffin with a freaking dog!"

"How sexually stimulating." Jacob foreshadowed.

It was a normal day at the Fawkes high school for everyone (well, almost everyone, wink wink.) Carlos had been dropping the kids off, because we all know that 150 year old bloodsuckers need a chaperone. Bella was stuffing her face with muffins, while wondering where her beloved husband was. (Which you'll find more out about soon enough!)

She then caught Rosalie staring at her enviously. "What?" asked Bella.

Rosalie flipped her hair back, showing the angst that she has. "It's not fair, why do you get to eat muffins?"

"Because I'm human, duh."

"Now Rosalie," scorned Carlos, "quit whining and drink your drink."

Rosalie scowled. "fine." She snapped, placing her straw in her carton of Capri Blood. "But she shouldn't be eating it anyway, she's so fat."

"That's because I'm pregnant!"

"That's what they all say."

"Oh my god how offensive! You're making me so mad right now!" cried Bella.

"You don't look mad." Said Carlos. "You're just bighting your lip."

"DUH, that's my angry face!"

"I thought that wasyour in love face."

"Same thing."

"LOOK!" screamed Rosalie. "All of these hintful insults are the fact that I don't want Bella around! She'll tell on us one day! Blab about what we are! I know no one's told, especially me, but a mo-"just then, a group of people came around the corner, with flaming torches, stakes, and garlic.

"There she is!" One of them cried, pointing at Rosalie. "There's the bloodsucker! Get 'er!"

They began running toward her, screaming, "THIS IS SPAAARTAA!" just before Rosalie put her arms up in the air and began running like a penguin, screaming her head off. She sped down the halls, but stopped at an old coffin she spotted. Wondering if she should hide in there, she was just about to lift the lid. But the sound of running footsteps drawing nearer, she resumed her screaming and ran in the opposite direction.

In the coffin, (ooh, double meaning, author so smart.) Edward and Jacob were both trying to get out. Of course they were frantic; the longer they were in there, the sexier it got. After all, they had been in a love triangle with each other for around 3 years. They began spewing insults at each other, to make them remember that they loved Bella.

"You smell!"

"Does your grandma dress you?"

"You're a loser." Edward proclaimed.

"Oh yeah? Well…you suck!" Jacob countered with. Both boys knew what the statement insinuated.

Suddenly, Jacob realized something that was vital to the development of the plot:

He was very horny.

So he grabbed whatever was closest to him (ooh, how convenient that it was Edward Cullen!) And began licking his face like the dog we all know that he is. At first, Edward was shocked. But then he realised something, something that he actually isn't in the films, in fact he's the opposite, but the author decided to throw in anyway because it's vital to the plot:

He was very horny as well!

Two horny guys stuck in a coffin making out. Do we need an actual plot? Oh wait a minute, that is the actual plot. Cool. I mean, hot.

After they were done snogging, (finally!) Edward yanked down his pants and began performing acts that warrant an NC-17 label but somehow managed to slip through the M rating instead. Oops.

"Is it always so sparkly?" asked Jacob.

Edward pondered this. "Well, Bella did used to call it my disco stick." (Author being utterly unoriginal here for throwing in a song lyric. Well, more unoriginal than she already is for using someone else's ideas.) And Jacob decided to get down, doggy style. (The author would like to apologise for her use of bad puns.)

Rosalie had just ran into the library of the school, and straight into Mike Newton. I'm not sure why, because unless I'm mistaken, she and he have never spoken to each other, right? But since we all know that the author most definatly NOT a twihard, he's the only character she can think of, since he made his first appearance in book one, page….I mean, pfft, she wouldn't know anything about him at all! After seeing her, he immediately turned to her, smiling. Seeing the state of her though, his face dropped. "Why, Rosalie, you look awful. Is everything alright?" He then immediately started vomiting. Cause I (and by I, I mean, we.) think we all know, mikes all about the vomiting.

Rosalie didn't even bother to help him. "Students….crazy…pitchforks….Justin Bieber….chasing…..me." she said between long intakes of air.

"I see." He said. Knowing that Rosalie was a vampire, (because we're all just assuming that he does for the sake of the plot, and the fact that the author is an unimaginative idiot.) he said, "They've been doing that for ages Rosalie. You need to stop freaking out so much." The vampire slayers then ran onto the field and began ripping Rosalie apart while he carried on talking. "And quit screaming, Rosalie. You know, I'm sick of you being such a drama queen. You have it a lot better than others, you know." And then he passed out for absolutely no apparent reason, (cough, cough) while Rosalie's bloody corpse was dragged to the nearby gas station to be set on fire.

Jacob and Edward finally emerged from out of the coffin, which had magically decided to open now. Both had clothing untucked, shirts unbuttoned, hair sticking up after Jacob had given Edward some amazing puppy love, (oh, come one, you knew that was coming.) Both seem completely unfazed about the fact that they just had hot forbidden sex with the boy who loved the girl who they loved. Maybe that's what made it hotter….?

"Same time tomorrow?"

"Sure."

And they walked off in different directions.

Edward decided, while he was walking along, to break up with Bella. True, they were married, and she was pregnant, but she had never satisfied him like Jacob had.

Of course, being the coward that he is, he decided to get Alice to breakup with Bella for him. She was her best friend, she'd let Bella down easy. He walked to the bike sheds, and immediately found her there. After seeing him, she quickly hid her ecstasy tablets, and pranced her way up to him. She suddenly took his arms and started dirty dancing with him. Because she already did it with jasper, and we all know that incest is cool.

"Erm, okaaaaay." Said Edward, shoving her off him with such force that she fell onto the road, when suddenly, a black guy driving began to spin out of control (So I see Stephanie Meyers a big fan of racism.), and with no super strong vampire to save her, she got hit by it. And then the car caught fire. And then blew up. And then a struck of lightning zapped her into charcoal. And just to add more drama an elephant came out of nowhere and sat on her. "Shit." said Edward. "That's the third time that's happened this week." He then went home to find his mother to do it for him instead.

"Is that my little Eddie weddie?" cooed Esme as he opened the door to the house which none of us will ever be able to afford.

"Mom, you need to stop calling me that!" cried Edward indignantly. "I'm not a child; I'm 110 for crying out loud!" he sat down, "now get me my leap frog."

"Sure thing, sweetie." Smiled Esme, and watched while Edward giggled and cheered while playing it.

"The cow goes moo! Now, anyway," said Edward, throwing the leap frog out of the window. "Mommy, I have something to ask you. Will you break up with Bella for me?"

"WHAT?" Cried Esme, "but you love her!"

Edward crossed him arms. "Not anymore."

Esme sighed. "Don't you think your hormones are just going through a funny faze?"

"What makes you say that?" asked Edward.

"Well…." Began his mom, "you have been acting, a bit well…feminine….lately."

"I HAVE NOT!" exclaimed Edward in an extremely high pitched, girly voice. "I just have a certain expectation when it comes to vanity and hygiene!"

Esme sighed. "Fine, honey. I'll break up with Bella for you."

"Good."

"Oh, and by the way, if you can't find your teddy, I put him in the wash."

"Mr snuggles? No, you stupid idiot, how could you?"

"He was getting all dirty, and I-"

"HE'LL LOSE HIS SPECIAL SMELL! OH GOD, YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND ME AT ALL!" Edward squealed, waving his arms around in the air. "NOBODY GETS ME!" He immediately ran out of the window and began climbing trees to calm his angst, which everyone seems to have in this franchise. Esme sighed.

Jacob had begun to feel funny as he sat watching the elementary kids playing. He was feeling really hungry, and was getting cramps as well. "I wonder what's wrong with me?" he said aloud. "I'd better go to the school nurse to find out." he then took one last look at the small children, licking his lips, and decided to grab one to take along on the journey.

Bella was pacing along the lunch room, knocking apples all over the floor, tripping on them and falling flat on her face a couple of times. Where was Edward? He was supposed to be taking her home now. They'd planned for him to play some more piano to her. Not that she'd ever enjoyed it; she was more of a Pitbull fan, but she still wanted Edward here.

Esme came into the classroom and walked up to her. "Hey Bella, I'm just here to hand you this note from Edward." She passed Bella it, who opened it and read:

Dear Bella,

I'm not quite sure how to say this. You're lovely, and before you jump to any conclusions, I just want you to know: it's not you, it's me. Okay so maybe it is you, but you know what I mean. Anyway all I'm trying to say is…

…..GTFO.

Bella immediately started crying and ripping up the terrible note. Oh god, how could he say that! She did a lot of other soppy stuff, which the author is a too cheerful/lazy person to write.

Bella tossed the bits of note away. It was the worst letter she'd ever received. Even worse than the one she'd got last week from Jacob, who had been going through his cycle. (So not only do the boys sparkle in this franchise, they PMS too! How inspiring!) She remembered it well:

Dear Bella,

One day, this cold dark world will rip apart into volcanoes,

Destruction everywhere you look,

People screaming as lava burns them to ashes,

No survivors.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Love, Jacob xxx

Yes, even that note was better than this one. She turned to Esme. "But why? We had such a good thing going on! I mean, we're married, we're pregnant with a superhuman mutant baby-which I don't really think is humanly possible-and we've laid in a meadow! A freaking meadow! How can we break up now?" she paused, then gasped. "Wait a minute. If our relationship is the base of these books, how come it's ending?"

"It's a fan fiction!" Esme cried. "Anything can happen as long as the characters are in it, and now that he doesn't love you he'll probably kill you anyway. And as for the baby, of course it's not biologically possible but who said that these things have to be researched or even make sense?"

So Bella strolled away, still thinking about Edward. It wasn't the fact that she loved him, it was the fact that she was due to give birth and now there was no daddy. And it wasn't as if someone who can't even live a day without her boyfriend without having to be carried, nursed, and fussed about while she collapses at every turn and throws herself off a cliff. There was no way that she could look after a baby.

So she had to find a new daddy. It wouldn't be hard; there were tons of guys who would be it. But then she decided to get a girl to help her instead. (The author would think of a reason way, but it's mainly to help the plot, and besides, she's too busy eating to think of one.) So Bella skipped around the school, forgetting completely about Edward and looking for a girl to mate with.

Jacob arrived at the school nurses office and sat down. He was starting to feel very strange. He was hungry; he was vomiting, his chest felt tender, and he was getting very emotional. "I don't know what's wrong with me, nurse." He explained while she was examining him. "It's just that everything feels wrong. I just wish that I could feel normal. I just wish that I would get better. I just wish that I could bake a cake out of rainbows and smiles and we'd all eat it and everyone would be happy-"

"He doesn't even go to this school!" someone cried from across the room. The nurse looked at Jacob questioningly. "Do you even go to this school?"

"No," said Jacob, starting to cry, "I just have a lot of feelings."

"Okay, go home." Said the nurse gently.

"No, not until you've found out what's wrong with me!" cried Jacob stubbornly. He was starting to get an idea of what might be wrong with him. (And the author is going to be difficult and not tell you what it is yet, to add the mystery this story is lacking in.) But wanted to make sure he was going to be ok.

The nurse sighed. "Fine, I'll run some tests."

The news of Bella now being single had spread, and just as she had suspected, the whole male side of the school wanted her. With her pale skin, lazy eye, and supposedly kinky lip biting, who wouldn't be fighting tooth and nail to get her?

At lunch, the whole school was watching Bella, and every move she made, made her more desirable. They didn't even care that she was pregnant, which is slightly weird. But if I guess they like girls who's screaming sounds like a pig mixed with an orgasm (not that the author would know of course, cough cough.) they'd like a girl who was pregnant. She hadn't done anything about this, but let's not jump to conclusions yet, shall we? Especially since she's an amazing sex pot who needs it and needs it bad. She's been trying to get into Edwards pants for the last 4 books, hasn't she?

The other girls of Forks high school could not believe this. After all, they needed sex too. "It's not normal, is it?" asked one of Bella's friends who's name the author can't even remember. (I'm such a professional)

Mike shrugged indifferently, drool still appearing out of the corner of his mouth as he watched Bella eat some stew.

"That's not fair." Moaned Jessica. "What about us girls? Who are we supposed to date? If all the guys are taken, who does that leave us with? What are we supposed to do? Are we just invalids or what?"

Unbeknownst to her, Victoria had just arrived at the school to kill Bella, but had seen Jessica and now watched her, eyes filling up with lust.

Bella got up, and began to walk out of the canteen. He felt five or six hands grab her butt, with more failing at their attempts. Just as she made it to the exit, someone cried, "GET 'ER!"

Suddenly, half the student body was up and running towards her, screaming like fan boys. (and girls too, I suppose.) Bella cursed out a string of bad words (all too mature to publish) and raced down the hall, with her clan of obsessive admirers in hot pursuit.

After much more running and screaming, Bella had finally managed to elude her pursuers by hiding in the showers. No one would think to look there, and nothing sexy could happen there at all, right? She stood there, paralyzed with fear that she might be found, when and gorgeously muscular arm snaked over her shoulder. Bella whirled around and found herself face-to-face with a half-naked James (which to be honest is how he usually is. I mean seriously, he could be related to Jacob or something.)

Bella screamed, then, "Wait a minute, aren't you supposed to be dead?"

"Yeah," said James in a sexy voice. "But the author figured that she needed a definite hot guy for the shower scene."

"She should have gotten Laurent." Said Bella.

"True," said James, "but being the weird ass person that she is she decided to make sure that it was the creepiest person ever."

"Then she should have got-"

"ENOUGH!" commanded James. He smiled, and turned his video camera on. "Now, do you want to make the hottest movie in vampire kind or what?"

Instead of dignifying that question with a response, Bella fled the showers in such a cowardly way that Edward would be proud.

"So, nurse, what's wrong with me?" asked Jacob, massaging his belly.

The nurse looked grave, "Jacob, have you had sex with multiple partners and not wore a condom?"

"Yes nurse, in fact I had it this morning." Said Jacob proudly. "Why do you ask?"

"I have some bad news for you, Jacob."

Jacob nodded, saddened but no entirely shocked." Alright, lay it on me. What is it?"

"Well this is the first case we've had, which is surprising with the fact that this story has now gotten so dirty." The nurse let out a deep sigh before continuing, "I'm afraid to tell you, Mr Black, that you….you are…"

"I'm what?" Jacob buried his face in his hands.

"…dying."

The news bolted Jacob up. "Hang on, that's impossible! I'm supposed to be pregnant!" (The author would have liked to put a note on how this was the mystery she was talking about, but then decided it would ruin the moment. She has now just realised that she already has.)

"What are you talking about, you silly boy?" scorned the nurse, "Boys can't get pregnant. That's biologically impossible, and the author has decided to draw a line at boy pregnancy, since the shit that's happening is crazy enough."

"But, the morning sickness…..my new appetite…..I have to be pregnant!" Jacob maintained.

"Nope, your dying." She corrected him. "From a very rare case that only on gets from being a slut….trampitis. It serves you right from having too much fun."

"Ooh, damn, I don't want to die." Jacob slumped on the floor. "I'd much rather be pregnant."

"Are you kidding? That's crazy." The nurse snapped. "That's nine months of pure hell, you'd be better off dead. And where exactly would it come out?"

TO BE CONTINUED…