I merely look at Lenalee for a moment, not comprehending the words so evilly spewed from her mouth.
She's lying, she's got to be lying. It can't be true, no matter what she and Lavi say. Because it can't be true.
The Moyashi can't be dead. My Moyashi can't be dead.
It's hardly something I can comprehend, though Timcampy let me watch Allen's arm be ripped off brutally, let me see the almost serene look he wore as Tyki Mikk threatened his life.
I thought about crying, I really did. I wanted to cry, I think. I wanted to feel the pain, I wanted to feel the hurt of knowing the only thing I ever loved was dead. I wanted to feel it, I wanted to let it overcome me, I wanted to let it burn away at my mind, leaving ashes behind.
I didn't think I'd lose Allen like that, and I really didn't expect it to be like this if I ever lost the boy.
I expected an I controllable pain, something to drown out reason, something to keep the sanity away.
Yet I'm so calm, so incredibly calm for just having lost the love of my life.
Not a single tear threatens my eyes, not a single twinge in my heart every time I'm reminded of him.
It's an eerie calm, a time period filled with worried faces. They all thought I was going to crack, they thought I was just going let myself go in a burst of passion and kill them all, hacking at their broken bodies.
They thought I wouldn't be able to let my face remain dry, they thought I'd be constantly unhydrating through my eyes, through liquid sorrow caressing my face.
They thought I'd answer with more than a "Tch.", with heartbreaking sobs and a shattered soul.
It was somehow worse.
My mind seemed to be covered in a thick layer of fog, refusing to let me think about my Moyashi and keeping me alert to the world.
I wasn't a fiery ball of emotions, and that's what scared people the most.
Because I, Kanda Yuu, was truly empty.
I was emptied of love, emptied of my purpose in life. I was like a trash can, everything I had accumulated over time had been tossed to a landfill, the landfill in this case Allen's death.
It reminded me how weak I was, how much I didn't have control over anything.
I needed it, I craved the control of life like a baby craves breast milk.
It's stupid, I know it is, but nonetheless it's true.
Perhaps if I had been there Allen wouldn't have died. If I hadn't been with Tiedoll, Allen would still be with us in his earthly form.
But really, is there even heaven? If I were to take my life, would I be with him? I don't know, it's... A bet I'm willing to take.
The Shining blade no doubt reflected in my eyes, it didn't waver under my strong gaze. Strong gaze... I still have it, even though I can't feel my own emotions, even though my brain has numbed out everything besides the fact Allen's dead, letting me forget the pain, and it's awful.
Even when he's dead, I can't properly love him. Even though I love him like I've never loved before, I can't show it. That has to be the worst part.
It hurts in the worst ways now that he's gone, but I can't even feel the twisting of my heart and the corruption of my mind. I can't feel it, and that's really the despicable thing that's driving me over the edge.
I couldn't love him properly.
If I had, maybe I wouldn't be drawing this blade across my wrist over and over, opening my veins as much as I can, trying to damage myself so I don't come back.
Again, again, again.
There's blood, there's so much blood.
I can't help but smile as the red liquid pours out of me, smile every time my body brings me back to life only for me to die again, at my own hand.
And it's wonderful when I feel myself losing it for the last time. A sweet humming in the back of my mind as I make it to the afterlife, looking for Allen.
But he's not there.