Title: Promises to Keep
By: Cheddar the Cheese
Summary: A promise made to a dying man, a girl with nothing left to lose, and a love that won't die. Bella's learns that you can't live your life in mourning. You have to live your life, or die from it.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything you recognize from Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series. I do own the plot and any original characters that may pop up.
Note: This story picks on page 353 of the American paperback edition of New Moon. It was originally posted under the same name but I have redone it completely. I had lost my own voice as a writer in trying to copy a style that was nothing like my own. So I pulled the whole thing down and I am going to re work what I have and continue the story. I love you all and please remember to leave a review!
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-Excerpt from "The Road Not Taken" By Robert Frost
Chapter one: The Road Not Taken
It is strange to think that things could have ever been different. Time had dimmed the memory and made the pain of those first months after Edward left seem like nothing more than a haze of half remembered lies. I remember Jacob though. I remember every word her ever spoke to me, every nod of his head, and every sigh as I stumbled on nothing. I remember him in such clarity that I sometimes wonder if he ever existed at all. I wonder if these memories, clear and sharp as glass, are only such because I made it all up as a way of breaking out of my pain.
And there was pain. I have known pain in every form: The pain of being bloody and broken on the floor while the fighting continues as your body begins to break down, the pain of being left be the one person I ever loved, the pain of losing my best friend in the whole world, the pain of the guilt that comes with such a lose, the pain of moving on with your life without them, either of them, in it, the pain of watching my friend tortured, the pain of being tortured by a psychotic man, hell bent on breaking me, and the pain of waking up, each morning, knowing that I am happy but my friends never will be.
But in the beginning, Jacob was there to break me out of my pain, and for that, I shall be forever grateful.
I still remember the way he looked that day. His was hair too long and flopping over one eye as he loped toward my car. He kept looking back over his shoulder as if he expected, at any moment, to see someone or something looming out at us from the woods. He was nervous- a blind man would know it, but he kept smiling.
That is the one thing I miss the most about him- his smile. Jacob could smile as the world crumbled around him. He always seemed to find a way to bring me out of myself and into the real world. No one since has ever been able to do that as effortlessly has him.
I had expected Jacob to meet me out front that morning and I was right. When he spotted my car, his wide grin was tinged with relief. He cantered over to my truck and had my door open before I could get my seatbelt undone. I laughed and tried to push the unease in the back of my mind away.
"You're in a good mood this morning," I said.
"You're here. What could be bad about it?" he teased. I had my seatbelt undone and was sliding from the car when he piped up again. "Let's go to the beach," he said with a brightness that almost seemed forced.
"Now?" I asked. "It's still morning. I'm surprised you're even awake," I admitted. I wasn't terribly awake but I was always up at this time.
"Couldn't sleep," he said waving my concern away. He still seemed uneasy though.
"Jacob? Is everything ok? You're never this excited in the morning."
His face fell like I had stumbled upon a secret I wasn't supposed to know. "I'm sorry, Bella. I wasn't going to tell you. Really. I was trying to be upbeat but I can't stop thinking about it."
I pulled my eyebrows together. "That makes no sense, Jacob. You can't stop thinking about what? What's going on? If you're having second thoughts about the cliff diving, we can do it another day," I said.
"Well," he hedged. "Sam and the others found some fresh traces last night. We tracked her all night but we're no closer than we were last night. She's playing with us, Bella. Sam thinks that it might be soon though. He thinks that she can't keep it up. I'm supposed to stay with you today in case she gives them the slip again."
"Oh." I knew I should be afraid but I couldn't find it in me to be truly scared. Jacob was with me. What could happen? It never occurred to me that I might be becoming a little too dependent on supernatural beings to keep me safe. A lot of things never occurred to me.
"But we'll have fun today," Jacob said with that same false brightness as before. "It'll be great, you'll see. It'll be the best day ever!"
We ended up on the beach sitting on the cold sand for a while without talking. The tension in the air was so thick I felt like I was having a hard time breathing. It was like when two people are about to break up and they both know it but neither one wants to start the conversation. Beside me, Jacob was shifting in the sand, acting like he wanted to say something but not sure how to get the words out. I fidgeted with the zipper of my sweatshirt. A few times it felt like he was ready but then he would close his mouth and turn and face back out to the bay.
"Oh, just say it," I snapped. "Whatever it is, just say it."
He looked at me in surprise but then that rueful grin that I had come to know so well spread across his face. "Bella," he said calmly. "I love you. You know that right?" He said it with such a calm voice that I was almost sure that I had imagined the whole morning so far.
My heart felt tight in my chest. "Jacob…"
"I know you don't love me back. I know that. And I understand. But I want you to know, I do love you. I would never leave you. Not for anything in the world."
I felt tears welling up in my eyes but I forced them away. I wasn't going to cry. I was done crying. I swallowed a few times before I could find the breath to answer. "I do love you Jake… It's just that… I do love you… " I sighed. Jacob looked at me with his eyes so full of hope that a part of me died inside as I forced the rest of the words past my lips. "But I could never give you my heart. Not really. Not like you deserve. Someday you will find a girl who will love you with everything she has. She won't be an old broken thing like me."
I could see the tears just beginning to show in his eyes. I felt one traitorous tear build up and take the plunge down the vast expanse of my face. Tears were never known for being very solitary.
"You aren't broken," he said. "And maybe, someday, that girl you're talking about will be you." He grinned widely at me. "And I want you to know that if that day ever comes, I'll be waiting for you. I'd wait forever for you. But I hate waiting. Don't you? Maybe you'll change your mind. Maybe you'll go off to college in a few months and then come back and be ready. Maybe not. But I'll still wait." He graced me with one more disarming grim before jumping to his feet. " Let's go," he said extending a hand to me. "I can't stand making you cry."
"Where are we going?" I asked as I wiped the tears away. I was stronger than this. I knew I sounded confused, but the truth was that I was confused. Could I ever really love him? The lines were becoming blurred. I thought of prom last year, and Jacob holding on to me as we danced. I had loved him that night as a dear friend. But that love was unalloyed and I knew very well that love can change and shift from the love of a friend to the love of a lover very quickly. But was that what I really really wanted?
Suddenly I felt like I couldn't breathe. It was like I could see two roads stretched in front of me- One road was Jacob; And we were happy and laughing but I never knew. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was wondering what could have been. The other road led to nothing. I was alone but there was no fear in that solitude. There was only a sense of waiting. But I what was I waiting for? I felt safe there in that unknown for some reason. "And I took the one less traveled by," I murmured.
"What was that?
"Nothing," I said. "I just remembered something that's all."
I looked up at my friend. He stood in front of me, just watching me. He wasn't as handsome as most people but his face held a kind of unfinished charm that drew me in. His hair was too long and he needed to shave but it seemed to fit him somehow and the whole effect made me feel at home. But was home where I needed to be?
"Where are we going?" I asked.
"I have promises to keep," was all he said as he pulled me to my feet. I misjudged his strength and stumbled headlong into his chest. For a moment, we stood there, neither of us prepared to move. I took in a deep breath and tried to memorize him, as if I knew he wasn't going to be there come morning. I could hear his heartbeat as it slammed into his chest. I took another breath in and pulled back to look in his eyes. They looked pained- as if he knew I was confused but like he also knew that it was going to be more waiting.
"We should do something before we both go out of our minds," he whispered in my ear. The sound sent shivers down my back. "Come on."
We left the beach. As we left, I turned back to look out at the water. It lapped at the shore the same as it always had. Nothing was different, but somehow I felt different. I felt older somehow. But time and tide wait for no one. I looked back at the place we had just vacated and it called me back. There was still a lot to talk about, but a part of me itched to get out of the area. I wanted to run or to fly but not here. I wanted to fly.
In that moment, I made up my mind to leave Forks. I would go away for college- Someplace sunny and warm with no ties to the past. I would be free to run or to fly and live my own life, to make all my own decisions. Suddenly that was the most important thing in the world to me. I wanted to feel alive again and I knew I could never do it here. There was too much pain in Forks. Everywhere I went, I still saw his face. I would be well rid of him. From my place up on that moral high ground, I could almost imagine that I made him up. No one was that perfect, not even someone who had over a hundred years to get it right. Yes, I would leave Forks come the fall. I would be alive again in the fall.
Jacob tugged at my hand in impatience. Maybe I could convince him to go with me, at least for a little while. Part of me wanted him, no, needed him to be there with me. I needed his strength because I didn't have it on my own. I wasn't sure I was strong enough to leave by myself.
Jacob seemed happier as we drove up the cliff. He chatted on about the car- how nice it was running and how he was saving his money to paint it. Maybe white. I hummed in all the right places and he didn't seem to notice the way my mind was already months ahead of us. Maybe we'd go to California- someplace with sun. Or maybe we could head further south. I remembered going to beaches in Texas as a kid and thought that someplace like Galveston or Corpus Christie would be nice. It never occurred to me that Jacob would say no. In my head, he was there, always.
I was so focused on the future that I didn't realize that we had come to the top of the cliffs. It was the same spot that I had seen Sam and the others jumping before. I turned to Jacobin confusion. "I thought you said you wanted to start with something lower," I said. I peered out the window at the cliff. I couldn't see the bottom from my seat but the ocean seemed very far away indeed.
"We could go someplace lower if you think it's safer," he offered. "But I think this will be fun." He was trying to distract me- or himself. I wasn't sure which of us really needed the distraction more.
Safer… the word swirled around my head. Safe was what I didn't want. I could cut every tie to my past that I wanted but there would always be that part of my soul that would sing at the sound of his voice. And I only heard the voice when I wasn't safe.
"No, this is fine." I looked at him and plastered a smile to my face. "Let's go."
And then we were off, running and laughing. He beat me there and I wrinkled my nose at him."No fair."
He laughed. "Anyone ever tell you life isn't fair?" I forced a grim smile through the pain of those words. It seemed so long ago that Edward and I had had that conversation. Jacob's smile faltered at the sight of my face.
"We can leave. We don't have to if you don't want to… I mean we could go home and wait for the others to come home." His hopeful face watched mine for any sign of reluctance but I didn't give him any.
"No," I said shaking my head. "The storm is coming. Besides, we need some fun."
"After you then," he said with a wide grin.
Up here, the air was clear and crisp and pure. It pulled my hair toward the water like it was taking the hand of a reluctant child. I could smell the salt on the wind and I knew I was about to fly.
I stepped up to the edge, and waited for a moment for his voice to come and talk me out of it. But nothing happened. I raised my arms like I was about to do a beautiful swan dive, but still there was silence. Always silence.
Then I was running. Off the cliff, off the edge of the world. My arms failed for a moment before the sensation of flight took over. And there was no voice as I fell.
It didn't feel like I was falling. Instead, I felt like a bird- free and safe with the wind whipping my hair back. I smiled a true smile for the first time in months.
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