A/N: This one was prompted by a hilarious text post by tumblr user heichou-relatable. Be sure to whizz on over and give em' a follow; their blog is rad!
Satsuki awoke sharply, regaining complete awareness of her surroundings within moments; having long trained herself out of the body's natural 'morning groginess', an unnecessary hindrance suffered by most undisciplined human beings.
The other mass usually occupying the opposite side of her King-sized bed was also absent, she noted.
Naturally.
It was a Saturday morning, which meant the mass had most likely not come to bed last night and was likely still at its gaming setup, mercilessly slaughtering NPC's or shouting profanities at twelve year olds.
Descending the stairs she passed by Inumuta's room. He appeared to be engrossed deeply in the opinions of other lonely, pretentious males on the internet, as evidenced by the 12 tabs of reddit open in his browser…and the single Pornhub tab he was attempting to discretely close after sensing her presence.
"Hard at work I see, Inumuta." She commented dryly, a mildly conceited smile gracing at her lips as he fumbled for a reply.
"Yes, well, uh…RAGYO, yes, I've managed to track down her facebook, if you wanted to have a look."
Stepping across the invisible barrier between the outside world and the wired-to-the-nine hovel Inumuta called a bedroom Satsuki sashayed towards his desk, stepping carefully to avoid the remains of a dissected computer 'organized' on the floor.
She was beyond the point of reprimanding any of the elites on the state of their rooms and simply ignored the mountain of filthy clothes about a metre to her right as Inumutas fingers hurriedly closed the final tab, reopening the Facebook profile of "Ragyo Kiryuin (discoMILF)"
Satsuki shuddered at the nickname; "I do not believe she knows what a MILF is." Inumuta comforted quietly, hoping to rescue Satsuki from the horrible, horrible, images in her mind.
The profile image was, as expected, a highly gratuitous paparazzi shot with more cleavage than should have been physically possible within the confines of the small profile-image box.
"Scroll through her timeline." Satsuki commanded sullenly, face souring at the smirking face of the horrible witch she called 'mother'.
Inumuta obeyed, slowly running his finger over the scroll wheel of his mouse, as Satsuki read through post after post.
'How do I order shoes online?'
'Google Search: Ordering shoes online'
"Did she try to use facebook as google?" Satsuki flatly questioned, barely surprised by the technological ineptitude of her mother.
"It would seem so." Hoka replied incredulously.
'Buy REVOCS Products! I, Ragyo Kiryuin, wear only REVOCS brand clothing, and recommend you do to!' was the following post, with more exclamation points than Satsuki cared to count.
Beyond that lay three separate links to the same collection of cat pictures.
Inumuta scrolled for a few moments longer, but not so much as a trace of inside information; or any information at all, for that matter, was found.
"She's so bad with computers" She heard Hoka quietly whimper.
"Well, that was an overall pointless endeavour; this woman is more of an imbecile online than in real life. Thankyou for your research, Inumuta, enjoy your Saturday."
Without another word, Satsuki vacated the room and continued down the stairs, hearing only the vague noise of Hoka closing and locking his door before returning to his chair.
A shiver ran down her spine.
What he did in his room was his business, and she was in no place to stop, nor hear his actions any longer, striding a little faster down the stairs before sharply turning the corner to enter the kitchen.
Flicking the switch delicately on the kettle, she slowly wheeled around to see Gamagoori at the breakfast bar, hunched over his ancient laptop, muttering misgivings to the strangers apparently attempting to outbid him on his latest weights set.
"Good morning, Ira."
"Ira Gamagoori will not be outbid by these good-for-nothing slackers." The giant man grumbled thunderously, slamming his index finger to the mouse pad to violently click 'Bid' once more.
Satsuki began pouring her tea as the little timer in the corner of his browser ticked down from thirty seconds.
The kitchen was silent as the hulk of a man leaned further and further into his screen, mouthing the countdown from 30.
At 15 seconds, it appeared he had been outbid.
In an instant, Gamagoori had burst from his chair and began ramming his finger to the mouse, lightning fast, over and over and over with the fury of a man who had been watching an auction for over three hours.
Satsuki feared for the device, wondering if the marble countertop would crack in half under the force of his feverent blows after the laptop did.
At zero seconds, he was visibly sweating.
Satsuki furrowed in distaste, turning back to the sink to place her used spoon under the tap, when the roar that rose from Gamagoori's mouth nearly blew her teacup from her hands.
"You lost?" It wasn't really a question, more a statement.
Ira inhaled ferociously, slamming the lid of his laptop shut, before rising from his chair, collecting his things, and exiting the room.
He paused in the doorway for just a moment
"Good morning, Ms Satsuki." He shouted mildly, before continuing his path of rage up the stairs to his bedroom.
'What a cheerful group of elites I have' Satsuki mused, gingerly returning the spoon to its drawer and turning to exit the kitchen, that is, before she heard the commotion outside.
Raising an eyebrow, she walked towards the kitchen window, peering outside cautiously. She was not in the mood for a trip to the hospital this early in the morning.
Uzu Sanageyama poised on a skateboard, with multiple fireworks attached to its tail-end surprised her far less than it should have.
Although obviously a new antic of his, it was far from his craziest.
She watched, unamused, as he gave his hoodie-wearing friend, who appeared to be wearing boxing gloves, a thumbs up, and leaned down to light the rockets.
"Doin' it for the vine, Takaharo!" He shouted, as the illegal fireworks began to fizzle and the hooded compatriot held up his iPhone to record the incident.
Satsuki turned away, disgusted by the sheer idiocy that boy exhibited, striding towards Nonon's 'recording room' as a mild explosion echoed from outside.
Said 'recording room' was little more than a converted child's nursery, with a keyboard, drumkit and desktop computer installed.
Reaching towards the door-handle, Satsuki deftly side-stepped out of the way as the door was yanked open and Nonon poked her reddened face out.
"I SAID SHUT UP YOU STUPID MONKEY, I'M TRYING TO MAKE A RE-…cording."
The musician trailed off, having suddenly noticed her leader's presence.
"S-satsuki! I'm so sorry I didn't realise that you were standing there!"
Nonon's frantic voice was a little endearing to Satsuki; the small girl cared far too much about what satsuki thought of her.
"I'm fine, Nonon, I was just checking on you to see how your latest work was going."
"Oh…well, It's going fine, better than fine, great, excellent! Yes, it's going excellent!" Nonon's voice was hurried, and Satsuki watched in amusement as Nonon slowly slipped back in to her room, millimetre by millimetre.
Satsuki discretely looked over her shoulder to her computer, where a window of soundcloud was plastered across the screen, and a cheesy lovesong by the indie artist Nonon refused to name to anyone was playing quietly through the haphazardly discarded headset.
"I can see you're busy, Nonon, have fun with the rest of your recording. Oh, and send me a link to "A kiss from an acoustic guitar"; the song looks pretty good." She hummed, gesturing to the computer behind Nonon.
As if in acknowledgement, the noise emanating from the headphones picked up slightly as an apparent chorus was reached and a high-pitched male voice sang a little louder, the words "love" and "baby" being clearly audible to the pair.
Nonon's eyes widened as her grip on the door tightened.
Satsuki, feeling particularly kind, gave a small smirk before turning to walk away, the door slamming shut hard not two seconds later.
With but one destination left, Satsuki moved to the very back of the house, down a hallway to a door with a small whiteboard on it, reading 'The Wife Fibre is' in her own elegant cursive, followed by a messy scrawling of 'Gaming, so shut up!'.
Keeping both hands on her quarter-full teacup, Satsuki opened the door with her left elbow whilst simultaneously taking a long swallow of the hot beverage, finishing it off.
"I SAID DEFENSIVE POSITION YOU LITTLE SHITHEADS, WHICH ONE OF US IS THE ADULT HERE, HUH? IT'S ME, THAT'S WHO." Ryuko screamed into the mic, hands furiously mashing the keys to avoid the HD bullets that came whizzing across her dual monitors.
"Hey Satsuki" Ryuko remarked happily, head turning slightly, but eyes unmoving from the screen.
"Woah, who's the hot girl?" A young boy's voice asked through the speakers.
"The hot girl is my girlfriend, asshat, now get your eyes off the cam and back to the goddamn game." Ryuko snapped, leaning sideways in her chair as if to speed up the tuck and roll manoeuvre her character was performing to avoid a hand grenade.
"Your girlfriend?" A different boy squeaked through his teste-pop.
"You're a lesbo?" Yet another boy asked incredulously, as a growl rose from Ryuko's throat.
"YES, SHE IS MY GIRLFRIEND, YES I AM A LESBO, NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP, PUT YOUR DICK BACK IN YOUR PANTS, AND SHOOT THESE FUCKERS DOWN" Ryuko roared, silencing the horde of hormone-loaded pre-teens.
"…I dare you to kiss her on cam." A boy whispered quietly a few seconds later, piercing the silence.
Ryuko chose to ignore him, narrowing her eyes and mowing down a line of other characters with her machine gun.
"I double dare you." Another boy piped up.
"Me too." Yet another gamer added.
Noises of agreement from the rest of her team passed through the speakers, yet still Ryuko sat firm and unmoving, aware that Satsuki was still visible on the camera and that she could hear everything her teammates were saying.
Satsuki could see her scowl, but could also see the blush at the tip of her ears.
Ryuko had always been a bit embarrassed when it came to public displays of affection.
Ryuko briefly peeled her eyes from the screen to give Satsuki a brief apologetic look, before once again returning to her game.
Although she too found the boys disgusting and irritating, Satsuki decided to humour their request, although mostly for her own gain. Ryuko was her fiancé after all, besides, Ryuko's apparent coolness to her band of pre-teen cronies would skyrocket, Satsuki was sure.
And thus, she gently placed her teacup on Ryuko's bedside table, softly padded to behind her gaming setup, and gingerly placed a hand on her shoulder and another under her chin.
Ryuko looked up, her eyes widening in a mix of fear and shock as Satsuki leaned down for a kiss.
Although hesitant at first, Ryuko soon became engrossed in the softness of Satsuki's lips and the warmth of her tongue, completely deaf to the various gasps and cheers alike that her team members produced.
After a satisfyingly long kiss, Satsuki finally pulled away for air, seemingly pleased with the red that had now engulfed Ryuko's cheeks.
The boys had fallen silent, and there was not a sound aside from the background gunfire of Ryuko's game and the exhales of two women as their breathing slowly returned to normal.
Satsuki smiled at Ryuko, whose mouth was still slightly agape, before collecting her teacup and exiting the room.
Before the door was closed, however, she heard the stunned boys begin conversation once more.
"That was awesome bro."
"DUUUUUUUUUUDE"
"So you like, get to bang her and stuff?"
"Pipe down, dweebs" Ryuko chuffed, obviously feeling rather pleased with the admiration she was receiving.
Her teammates immediately fell silent and Satsuki paused to place an ear to the now-closed door, curious as to Ryuko's course of action.
"And the answer is yes, I do get to bang her, and it's really freaking awesome."
The boys cheered.
Satsuki groaned, rolled her eyes, and returned to the kitchen.
Whilst washing her teacup, she noticed the sealed envelope sitting on the countertop, having previously been eclipsed by Gamagoori.
Placing the cup on its side to dry, Satsuki picked up the envelope and ran her fingers along the seal.
"Honnouji Broadband Services" she mumbled, fingernails quickly tearing the seal and removing the letter inside.
A typical usage statement, it would seem. A reminder sent to tell Satsuki (the bill-payer of the household, naturally) how much this month's internet bill would be.
Satsuki feared greatly what the number would amount to, but the damage probably wouldn't be any worse than normal.
Then again, Ryuko had gone on a gaming spree the last few days after acquiring four new games.
In fact, she'd scarcely left her computer.
Not all of them were online games, right?
Satsuki made a silent prayer as she slowly unfolded the document, scanning for the bill.
"Dear Ms Kiryuin," she murmured.
"Thankyou for your continued usage of our broadband network, and we hope your experience has been satisfying. You're total internet bill for the month of June is…is…"
Satsuki stopped.
Her face blanched and she swallowed slowly, rage boiling from deep within her soul.
"MATOI RYUKOOOOOOO!"