Author's Note: You know what I love? Dragging out an old file, dusting it off, and finishing it up. That's what I did with this baby. I've been wanting to write a straight up friendship fic for a long time now, one that included all of the guys, and I've had a few paragraphs sitting around for a while now. Tonight, for whatever reason, I opened this old file and a couple hours later, it's finished. Like I said, it's a straight up friendship fic with all four guys. No slash, just some good ol' fashion bromance. There's a few parallels to a few of my other stories; they're small, but discerning readers should be able to catch them. Quick shout out to Lil Miss Bea, because she's really awesome and leaves the longest reviews in the history of the world and writes some seriously adorable Cargan fics. Go check out her stuff RIGHT NOW. That's all for my notes; hope you guys enjoy this story. As always, PLEASE REVIEW!
Disclaimer: Any recognizable names and/or places are the property of their respective owners.
Warnings: Overall angst.
"Can you tell us why we're all in here now?" asked James, eye locked on his mirror. "Me and James need to get ready for a date."
"And I have a big test to study for," said Logan.
"And I have to polish Helmet," said Carlos.
"Well, we'll just have to cancel all those plans," said Kendall, shutting his bedroom door. James dropped his mirror.
"What? I'm going out with Hot Sheila from 3B," said James. "She's hot."
"Well, reschedule," said Kendall, "because this is more important."
"What is 'this,' anyways?" asked Logan.
"Look, we haven't all exactly been getting along lately," said Kendall.
"Yes we have," said James, a slightly confused look on his face.
"Really?" said Kendall, cocking his head to the side as Carlos began to pick at a loose thread on the shoulder of Logan's sweater. Logan slapped his hand away.
"I told you to stop doing that!" said Logan.
"I'm sorry! You know how forgetful I am!" said Carlos.
"I rest my case," said Kendall. "Point is: We've grown apart. I don't know why, but we haven't been talking as much. We're all at fault here. I know we have the band, and school, and our own lives, but none of that should come between us the way it has. We need to fix this."
"And how do you propose we do that, Genius?" asked James. Kendall let out a sharp breath, keeping his eyes purposefully away from James.
"I propose that we all sit in here and talk about what we should've been talking about this whole time."
"Which is...?" asked Logan. Kendall shrugged.
"I don't know, anything we've been keeping from each other," said Kendall.
"I don't have any secrets," Carlos said. "You guys know I can't keep them."
"I'm not talking about secrets, necessarily, just... stuff we'd normally talk about that we haven't, stuff that's bugging us. It can be anything. We can talk the way we used to back in Minnesota, at Carlos' house."
"On Sir Bounce-A-Lot?" asked Carlos, eyes lighting up as he thought on the large, round trampoline in his backyard.
"Exactly, on Sir Bounce-A-Lot," Kendall nodded. "Everyone on the floor."
"But Kendall, I have a date with Hot Sheila," said James pleadingly.
"Tell her you meant to take her out tomorrow," said Kendall simply, reclining back on the carpet, stretching out his legs. "Sheila's sweet, but she's not exactly the sharpest crayon in the box. Now come on, huddle up."
James obliged, grumbling beneath his breath as he, Logan, and Carlos took their places. Their heads all met in the middle, a foot or so of space between them, and their legs stretched out along the floor. As they settled down, Kendall found himself subconciously anticipating the bounce of a trampoline beneath him, a breeze to sweep across his face, a plane to pass by through the stars overhead. Kendall craned his neck, seeing Logan to his left, James on his right, and Carlos across from him, setting his helmet on the floor between himself and Logan.
"Okay, I guess I'll start," said Kendall. He thought for a short while, digging through his conciousness, searching for a memory or a feeling he'd kept to himself, locked away from his friends. He felt his throat catch after a moment and swallowed, taking in a breath.
"I miss my dad," he began. "I know I shouldn't, because he walked out on us, and he barely talks to us anymore, and whenever he stops by he's always a jerk, but... I still remember what he was like when I was little. He would take me to hockey games, and teach me to skate on the pond by the park, and pick me up from school early sometimes so we could have a 'Guy's Day' and go out to lunch and run errands together."
James looked over at Kendall, seeing the pained look on his face, his tightly pinched eyelids, the t-shirt hem that was clenched between his fists.
"It's hard having to be the man of the house," said Kendall, his words now slightly hurried. "I put so much pressure on myself trying to be a good dad for Katie, and take care of my mom, and make sure everything's okay all the time. I-I-I just miss—" Kendall broke off, taking in a deep, steadying breath. Logan reached over, awkwardly touching his elbow. Kendall swallowed and continued. "I go from hating him because he left us to wishing he was back. I-I guess I don't so much miss my dad as much as I miss having a dad. I just want to be able to be seventeen, you know?"
There was a quiet smattering of "yeah"s around the room as Kendall pulled up the collar of his shirt, wiping his face with it.
"Well, I went," Kendall said after a few moments of silence. He gently punched James's hip. "James, you're up."
"Alright." James pushed his bangs from his face. He closed his eyes, thinking for a moment. He sighed.
"It's silly," he said.
"Doesn't matter," said Kendall. "Say whatever you want."
"Sir Bounce-A-Lot is a judgement-free zone," said Carlos, sweeping his hands out in front of him.
"This isn't Sir Bounce-A-Lot, Carlos," said James.
"Well it's the closest thing we have," said Kendall, "so spill."
"I'm not good enough," said James. "For anyone. Eloise has always been so fabulous and talented and funny and outgoing, and Olivia's always been so smart and responsible and well-balanced, and all I've ever been is the annoying baby brother or youngest son; overbearing, and too loud, and too much, or too little, or too something not right. I can never be enough for my parents, or for the rest of my family. I'm just 'the other Diamond kid.' No one pays attention to me because I'm not special enough. That's why I act crazy sometimes, so people will notice me. Nobody every paid attention to me when my sisters were around. Even with my sisters are away at school, still nobody pays attention to me. I've always been last in line and least important."
"You're the most important to us, JJ," said Carlos, reaching over, rubbing the inside of James's forearm.
James looked over at Carlos, smiling weakly at him. "Thanks, Carlitos."
Kendall cupped his hand over his mouth, dropping his voice low as he spoke. "Now taking the ice: the one, the only, Latin Fury number twenty-two Carlos Gar-ciiiiiaaaa!" Kendall waved his hands in the air, mimicking the sounds of fanfare to a chorus of laughter. James patted the hand Carlos had on his arm. Carlos smiled faded after a moment, however, and he bit on the inside of his cheek, swallowing hard. He pushed his hand into the pocket of his jeans, closing his fist around a small keychain; his father's keychain, the one he had used for the keys to his police cruiser, the one he always had with him on the job. It was flat, silver, and the size of a dog tag, with a hollow spot on the front where the Sword of Valor had been cut into it. He gently ran his finger along the words engraved on the back; his father's name, and a Bible verse, Psalm 27:1. Carlos and his brother had picked it out together.
"My biggest regret in life was never making Papí proud," said Carlos. He immediately felt tears well in his eyes, the pain of loss striking him hard and fast in the chest.
"What're you talking about? Your dad was proud of you," said James. "He was always telling people that."
Carlos shook his head, swallowing. "I mean really proud, the way my brother did. He never talked about me the way he talked about him; Gabe was an All-Star, and he had great grades, and he went to college, and he was a Navy pilot, and he was so great at everything he did."
"Gabe dropped out of college after a year and a half," James pointed out.
Carlos scoffed. "I'm too stupid to even get into college—"
"You are not stupid, Carlos," said Kendall, reaching a hand up in the empty space between them and touching Carlos's hair. "Don't ever say you're stupid."
"It doesn't even matter," said Carlos, his voice tight and strained. "He's gone, so I won't ever get the chance."
Carlos pressed his fingers hard against his eyelids, his chest tight, his throat burning.
"Your dad was proud of you, Carlos," said Kendall. He reached his other hand up, beginning to affectionately scratch Carlos' head, as one might do to a dog. "And we're proud of our little Carlitos, too."
The action itself made Carlos laugh out loud, tears leaking from the corners of his eyes. He wiped them away, then lifted his hands to pat Kendall's.
"Thanks, Kendall," he said. Kendall latched their fingers together for a moment, squeezing Carlos' hand. Kendall pulled his hands away, setting them on his stomach, and turned his head to look at Logan.
"Your turn, Logan," he said.
"I-I really don't think I have any secrets, guys," said Logan, feeling a heat creep up his neck, sneaking into his ears.
"It's okay, Logan," said Carlos. "You can tell us anything. Judgement-free zone, remember?"
Logan felt his heart start to race, a panic setting in; he wasn't good at this kind of stuff. He didn't like confessing things, letting people know what made him hurt inside. A thought hit him and he shut his eyes, clenching his fists.
"My mom's had six miscarriages," said Logan.
"Six?" said Carlos. "I thought she only had two?"
"We stopped telling people she was pregnant after the second one," said Logan. "We kept waiting for her to pass the point where she couldn't have a miscarriage anymore, but she never made it. They tried everything to figure out what was wrong but nothing could tell them why, so all these babies just kept dying—"
Logan sat up and buried his face in his hands, crossing his legs. He felt a hand on his back; Kendall's, he decided after a moment, by the size of the hand and the faint trace of coffee, a scent that always seemed to hang around Kendall, despite the fact that he didn't drink any.
"It was so hard because I didn't understand at first what was going on, and then when I was old enough I didn't understand why it kept happening, why she couldn't just have another baby. And then she got so depressed, losing all these kids, and Dad was angry, and I couldn't talk to them because they were upset but I couldn't talk to anyone else because they didn't want anyone to know..." Logan wiped his eyes, rubbing his sleeve under his nose to clean his face. He glanced up for a moment, getting a glimpse of Carlos' face. It was somber and concerned, full of emotion. One thing about Carlos that Logan appreciated most was how expressive he was. He often wondered how much easier life would be if people could tell what he was thinking at any moment of the day, the way they could with Carlos. Behind him, Logan felt James' eyes boring into the back of his neck, his hand gently touching Logan's back for a moment.
"And she just had the sixth a few months ago, too, right after we got here. She didn't even know she was pregnant; they stopped trying a long time ago," Logan found himself continuing, the words pouring out before he could process them. "It just makes me so mad, you know? I look at you guys and see how much you love your brothers or your sisters, and how much they love you, or I go to one of you guys' houses, and there's always noise and chaos, and I want that. I want to have a big, loud family with lots of siblings. It's always so quiet at my house, with both of my parents working and no one else to keep me company." Logan picked at the carpet. "It's lonely," he added quietly.
"You're lonely?" Carlos asked, setting his hand on Logan's knee. Logan looked up again, catching Carlos' eye; sad and tearful, full of so much empathy it had to hurt. Logan felt himself burn with embarrassment, the back of his neck growing hot as he looked back down at his lap.
"Sometimes," he mumbled.
"Why didn't you tell us?" asked James. "You should've called us, any of us. We would've come over."
"I know, but... Everyone was always so busy. I was, too. We had school and hockey and work and girls and everything else. I didn't want to bug you guys."
"Asking for our help would never bug us, Logan," said Kendall.
"But that's the problem: You guys could never help me. You can't give me a sibling."
"You don't have to have the same blood to be related, you know. We're all a family," said Kendall. "You're just as much my brother as Katie is my sister, and I know the other guys think the same about you, too."
"Of course you're my family, Logie," said Carlos.
"You're way better than my sisters," James added.
"See?" said Kendall, squeezing Logan's shoulders. "You have all of us. You're not alone, Logan."
Logan let out a weak smile, wiping his eyes again, looking in turn at each of his friends. "Thanks, guys."
"Anything for our brother," Carlos shrugged, earning himself a large smile from Logan.
"Come on," Kendall said, standing up and holding his hand out to Logan. Logan took it, allowing himself to be pulled to his feet. "Galactic Invaders Seventeen is calling us."
"Logan's on my team," James said quickly.
"What? Logan's always on your team!" Carlos cried.
"Well I call dibs, so ha."
"Well I vote Logan decides who he wants on his team," Carlos countered.
"Guys, quit arguing, we all know Logan wants to be on my team," said Kendall, sliding an arm over Logan's shoulders. "Together we are an unstoppable force of Earth Defenders."
"Why don't we just play on Army Mode, so we can all play against each other?" Logan suggested
"See, Logan, this is why we love you," said Kendall. He knocked his knuckles gently against Logan's skull. "You've got the Big Time Brain."
"And this way, I can beat all of you," said James.
"Nuh-uh, I have the high score," said Carlos. "I'm going to beat all of you."
"Not if I get the lucky controller first," said James, rushing forward towards the couch.
"Hey, James!" Carlos hurried after him, jumping onto James' back. "Not cool!"
Kendall sighed and leaned his weight against Logan. He turned his head, meeting Logan's gaze, and rolled his eyes.
"Children," he said, shaking his head. He pulled his arm away.
"Alright, alright, break it up," said Kendall, moving towards the mess of limbs wrestling on the couch. He snatched a video game controller from Carlos' outstretched hand. "This time, Logan gets the lucky controller. Loganator," Kendall held out the controller, shaking it lightly, as he slapped James' back to get him to sit up on the couch and make room. "Lead the fleet?"
Logan smiled and took a seat on the couch, squished between James and the armrest, as Carlos rushed to grab the other three controllers and pop in the game disc. The opening credits rolled, Carlos and James taking turns imitating the announcer's voice, and Logan smiled down at his three friends.
No, not his friends — his brothers.
His family.
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