Author's note: This is Triva (Trent/Ziva), it contains a minor character death. Based on pre-established relationship. Also Based on the song, "Just a Dream." By Carrie Underwood. PLEASE REVIEW
"I'm sure he had his reasons."
I should have said reason. It was me. I was his reason. The reason he blew up Tony's car, the reason he always came around NCIS at the most inconvenient times for the Team, the reason he put Tony down more often than not. I had found it cute at first how protective he was, but soon it grew overbearing, and embarrassing.
"You don't trust me." I said softly. It was right after the Jonathan Siravo case, and even though we were having an argument I couldn't tear my eyes away from the bandage on his shoulder. Hiding the hole the bullet had ripped in him. Only a couple inches down and I'd be staring at a silver casket, the moment Tony had called and told me that he had been shot I could feel the smooth silver gliding beneath my hand. When he had appeared at headquarters with his arm in a sling my heart leapt in my throat. I swallowed and tried to look away. When I was alone I ripped off his shirt and placed a hand softly over the bandages, I met his eyes and he kissed my forehead. I had been scared before. But never terrified.
"I wouldn't be here if I didn't trust you. It's the way he looks at you and the way he gets as close to you as humanly possible. He flirts with you constantly. And you can't understand why I'm so damn jealous?" He sneered angrily, sighing he turned around too quickly, causing his shoulder to flare with pain, grunting he just walked to the couch and laid down on it.
"They are just looks and words, Trent. Nothing more. Nothing is going to happen between Tony and I." I sighed, I knew this was a side of Trent that I could never be able to explain to anyone else. They wouldn't believe me. I hardly believed it myself. How one human could be so arrogant but also so very insecure at the same time was a wonder to me. But if there was one thing I had learned from Tony it was that men often hid their insecurities behind false arrogance.
He was silent for so long I was sure he hadn't heard me, but then he just seemed to deflate right before my eyes. I slowly walked over to him and sat by his side, placing a gentle hand over his stomach. "You are very stubborn sometimes. I can't seem to get it through your thick skull that I love you, not Tony."
He shrugged with his good shoulder, I sighed. He always closed himself off once he realized he had revealed too much of himself, had given a sign of weakness. But I wasn't his enemy, all I wanted was for him to trust me. I understood how hard it was for him to trust me, I understood better then most ever could. Trusting could get him killed. Trusting anyone could leave him vulnerable and blindsided in a blink of an eye. You always slept with one-eye open, no matter where you were or who was suppose to be watching out for you. It was a cold and lonely life. One that drove you to the brink of disaster and then shoved you off the highest cliffs of despair and isolation. It drove you insane, until paranoia seemed like a friend.
Gibbs had taught me to trust and now it was my duty to teach Trent. I looked into his beautiful brown eyes. They changed color, I wondered if anyone else noticed, it was really breathe-taking to watch them turn from a chocolate brown to a hue of blue. One day I had laid in bed with him. Miraculously we had both had a day off at the same time, and instead of going out, we decided to stay in. We laid in bed all day, talking and cuddling. Laughing and feeding one another breakfast, lunch and dinner. We had lots of champagne but never once did my eyes leave Trent's. I wanted to catch the moment his eyes shed their skin for a lighter one. I so badly wanted to believe they only turned blue for me. I knew it wasn't true, but he winked and lied to me anyways, just to make me feel that much more special.
Not that I didn't know how special I was to him, but he wasn't a man of very affection words. Nor was he very sentimental. I was lucky if I could drag out an 'I really like you.' once a month. He spoke more with actions than words. Sometimes I found myself wondering if this was an op, or if he actually liked me. It took me months not to suspect that he was with me for information on NCIS or Mossad and my Father. My contacts in the CIA said no such orders were released. I relaxed, I'd never tell him that I went behind his back though, he wasn't the only one with trust issues. But after Rivkin I wasn't going to fall in love blindly again.
"I'm sorry." He said very quietly, looking back at me, I pressed a finger to his lips and said, "Don't apologize it's a sign of weakness."
"Not between friends." He echoed. I smiled I had taught him Gibbs' rules long ago, when we first met at NCIS. I smiled mischeviously as I leaned down, whispering in his ear, "But I'm not your friend."
He smirked, "No? Then please, define what you are for me one more time."
I laughed, he loved the ego trip this gave him, it was actually kind of adorable, caressing his cheek I said, "I'm your lady-friend." Suddenly my lips were being devoured by his, I closed my eyes and let all the pent up emotions drain out of me as he took me to impeccable heights of pleasure.
If Tony had known that we were together I'm sure things would have turned violent. Or at the very least he'd shut me out completely. And as childish as he could be, Tony was my closest friend. I was often torn between Trent and him, and it would only be worse if Tony knew. Which is one of the reasons I never told anyone about us. I didn't need the entire team butting into my relationship like I was some little girl incapable of taking care of myself. I just wanted to live in peace with Trent, and that would only happen if we were a secret. It had never bothered Trent, he wanted to keep us secret because of his job. I would be perfect leverage.
There was a knock at my door, I grabbed the .45 in the desk next to me. My heart beat rapidly, I could feel my pulse quicken, and if I had allowed myself to feel at that particular moment I knew panic would be coursing through my veins. I cursed at not having a peephole, perhaps Gibbs was right, I should invest in one. I turned the knob, my gun raised, swinging the door open and shoving my gun in the man's face I almost didn't believe it when I saw Trent at the end of my gun. I no sooner placed the gun on the table next to the door when suddenly I was airborne.
He had wrapped his arms around me and lifted me off my feet, just scooped me right off the ground. He shut the door with his foot as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders tightly. I had no idea what was going on, frankly I was taken by surprise-something that didn't happen often-by his sudden show of affection. I rested my cheek against his head, breathing softly down his neck, he hadn't said a word, and I wasn't going to break the silence. He was holding me tight, no one had ever held me so fiercely before; instead of soaking in this obvious sign of love, I could feel nothing but concern. He carried me to the couch and sat me down on it.
He kneeled in front of me I watched him curiously, opening my mouth to say something he just shook his head. He cupped my ankle and pulled off my sock, I relaxed against the couch as he began to massage my feet, slowly and thoroughly, I smiled softly. "You would be a very good Moose." I said peeking an eye open at him.
"Masseur." He replied quietly, I could already see a ghost of a smile living on his lips. His face was still tight in stress and worry. I yelped in surprise as he took my pants off and my shirt, leaving only my undergarments on as he began massaging up my legs and to my took his time, as if wishing to cover every inch of my skin. Never had a man given me so much attention before. He was solely focused on me. It was in these moments that there was no doubt in my mind that he loved me. How could I doubt him?
I could feel my muscles relaxing, I sighed in pleasure, feeling like I was melting as he began kissing my toes, then slowly up my foot and to my knee. I sighed, placing a hand on the back of his head as he began his slow trek of kisses on my inner thighs stopping at my panty line. I could feel myself breathing heavily, smiling, my heart beating hard. This was something I hadn't ever experienced. I had been loved by a few men, but none like Trent. He was something special and he always made sure I knew that I was special to him. I could see in his eyes that he had never been so careful, gentle and considerate with any other woman.
It made my heart flutter into my throat and my chest to tighten. His lips were so warm, and against my skin they felt heavenly, the rough five o'clock shadow scratching my satin smooth skin perfectly. I shriekd with laughter when he stuck his tongue in my belly button, I wiggled beneath him as I felt the slimy, strong tongue swirling around inside. "TRENT!" I laughed, swatting at him, he just growled and delved deeper, I kicked out gently and tried getting away. But he was strong, so very strong, sometimes I loved just running my hands over his muscles as he slept, I had always been attracted to men stronger than me and Trent was no exception.
"Stop it! Trent stop!" Shrieking I hit him over the head with a pillow before he pulled away, leaving me gasping for breath and giggling like I hadn't in a very long time. He always could bring out the best in me, sometimes I was convinced it was because he was so dark that my light shone ten times brighter. But that was a lie because I was no better than him. And for once no one was judging me because of it. Trent never judged, even though he didn't believe in the use of physical torture and I had thrived on it in my Mossad days.
I looked down quickly as I felt him take my hands in his, softly rubbing the back of them with his thumbs he just laid his head in my lap. I hesitated before placing my hand on his head, softly stroking it, caressing it lovingly, I watched him breathe in deeply. Now was my time.
"What's wrong my sweet Dvash?" I spoke quietly in a warm tone, I looked at him so fondly at that moment I thought my heart would burst with the wave of pure love I felt for him. The wave only grew bigger when he turned his blue eyes up to meet my brown ones. The look in them sent shivers down my spine. It was a mix between overwhelming love and the look an animal got in his eyes when someone threatened his home, his food, his world. It took my breathe away, the power behind that look took me back. I'd never seen that look on him before. My heart froze, unsure if I had done something wrong, but the love I was seeing seemed to say I had not.
He shook his head, blinking as he laid his head back on my lap. I sat in silence, knowing he'd eventually answer. I continued to stroke and caress his head, he finally shifted and crawled onto the couch with me, I sighed in relief. His bad knee must have been killing him the entire time. I nearly jumped when his quiet drawl cut through the silence swiftly, "Someone's found out about us."
My heart froze, a sense of unease settling deep with in me, my stomach churned, my mouth dried as I rasped out, "Who?"
"Sebastian Ramonov. Russian Terrorist. I have no idea how. I never spotted a tail. I tried turning him today and he knew. He showed me pictures of you-of us." He spoke in a breathy voice. "I almost didn't come over. I was sure I was going to find your place destroyed and you not here."
I knew he must have taken care of the threat, he wouldn't be here otherwise, but it didn't bode well that someone could get by Trent's notice. "Everything is fine. I'm right here Davash." He smiled at her. Everytime he smiled it took my breathe away, it wasn't something you saw often, but it lit up the entire room. He was beautiful.
"I don't want to put you in danger Ziva." He spoke so softly I almost missed it.
"Don't patronize me Trent. I can take care of myself." I said in a clipped voice. Men always felt the need to protect me, always assuming me weak and incapable of doing it myself, it annoyed me to no ends.
"Not what I meant Zee. I don't want you to have to protect yourself because of me." He said quietly, he sat up a bit before putting an arm around my waist and pulling me ontop of him before laying down once more. He ran fingers through my hair and smiled once again.
"You are a very sweet man. Maybe you should try sucking up to this Sebastian." I smiled cheekily.
He laughed, "Maybe I should just give you to him dearest."
Glaring at him all I could say was, "Did you know there are eighteen different ways I could kill you with this paperclip?"
There was never quite enough time for us. He was always away on Covert Missions, and I was always held up at work. There were moments I thought I'd kill Gibbs. Just because he didn't have anyone to go home to at night didn't mean we all didn't. We shouldn't have to suffer the consequences of Pedro Hernandez's actions. There were moments I could feel the bitter resentment build to a boiling point. Especially after long weeks, sometimes not making it home for days on end, if at all. Laying in an empty hotel rooms far away from the man I loved, wondering if he was even alive wasn't exactly my forte. Yet even when I was home, didn't mean he'd be either. I could hardly sleep. I wasn't use to worrying about someone so much. We usually didn't communicate when he was gone, but there had been exception.
I numbly walked out of the clinic. Emotionally numb anyways, physically every step felt like a stab in the heart. It was odd, I hadn't expected this, it wasn't planned, I didn't even want it. I'm sure he didn't either. But when the test proved positive, and the doctor had confirmed I was pregnant a surge of emotions rushed forth. Disbelief, shock, worry, fear, confusion, happiness, hope, excitement. I had rushed right to the phone to tell Trent, but on second thought it would be a nice surprise for him to come home to. So I had waited. And went out and bought a whole bunch of baby clothes, and toys for our child.
I would spend my time like a twelve year old girl dreaming of our wedding and being parents. Having the life I had always wanted more than anything else. I had never been so happy, people at work actually noticed. And when I began to show they really noticed, Tony would send me strange looks, some distrustful. I wondered about that but I shrugged it off, McGee was the sweetest of them all. He always had been, doting on me, asking me if he could do anything for me even after I told him I was only three months along and could do it myself. I asked Gibbs to be put on Desk duty.
I didn't want to risk the little life inside of me for anything. I just knew our baby was going to be beautiful and wonderful, after all it was Trent's, so how could it not? He would make a great father, and I would eventually make a great Mother. I hadn't been coddled as a child. And Trent certainly hadn't but we knew what not to do, so we would not make the same mistakes our parents did. Anything I needed I could always ask Gibbs for. He made that clear when I asked to be on desk duty. I had already asked him to be the godfather. In his spare time at work he'd teach me how to hold a baby and how to make formula, and he even began building me a crib. Not once did he ask me who the Father was. I guess to him it didn't matter. It did to me though.
I may not have wanted kids at first but now all I wanted was Trent's babies. I sighed, perhaps there was a point where you fall too in love with somebody else, you can't untangle yourselves from them. Somedays Abby would show up to keep me company, looking around for signs of the man in my life. Trent was always very clean though, he never left anything over at my place and I, as well, didn't leave anything at his. She would bring diapers and bottles and anything I'd need as well. She was already named the godmother.
But things didn't so well. By my third check up they found something fatally wrong with the baby and a week later I had a miscarriage. And as I walked to my car everything seemed to go blurry as my dreams and hopes shattered. Was this what it felt like when a heart breaks? I sunk into my car, resting my head on the steering wheel, I wrapped my arms around my stomach and breathed deeply. I knew I had to get home, otherwise I wouldn't be leaving the parking lot until it was dark. Driving home I nearly slid off the road, for some reason my eyes weren't working, one minute it was fine the next everything was fading away. I gave a relieved sigh when I cut my engine and shakily walked to my apartment. I dropped the keys on the floor as I fell on the couch.
I tried blinking back tears, burying my face in my pillow I bit my lip as I inhaled Trent's scent. I felt an ache deep inside my heart. How I missed him. If ever I had needed him it was now and he was nowhere's to be found. I could feel the silent tears falling from my face as I stared at the baby toys blankly. Shaking, I grabbed my phone unsure who to call. I so badly wanted Trent but how could I tell him I was pregnant than dash his hopes by saying I lost the baby. It would be cruel, better to keep it to myself. I dialed Gibbs' number, bent on requesting time off. It wasn't like me to wallow in self-pity, usually I worked through all my troubles, but this time it was different. This time a part of me and Trent had died.
My whole world felt rocked, I just kept wondering how this could have possibly happened to me. I couldn't stop thinking about everything I had done, wondering where I had went wrong, how had I killed my child? I'd never feel a small, soft pink body in my arms, with little blue eyes staring up at me so trustingly. I'd never rock my baby to sleep and sing it hebrew lullabies, never would I get to see Trent smiling down at his child, with pride in his eyes as he plays with her. I had been dying to see them play peek-a-boo. All my hopes had been dashed. Everything seemed to be broken, and anything that wasn't didn't seem to matter. How could I care about my job when my baby was dead?
I couldn't stop torturing myself, roaming the empty halls of my home, sleeping on the floor the babies room, writing down names for the tombstone. I laughed humorlessly. I was probably the only woman who had ever thought of getting a tombstone for a miscarried three-month along baby. But I had been told ever since I was a child I would never be able to produce children because of my job but that had all changed, my hopes were revived only to be killed once more. Perhaps my Father was right, motherhood wasn't for me. The world was cruel, why else would it tease me like that? Make me want something so bad after telling me I never could have it, and when I'm aching for it so desperately, so excited and happy, rip it away? How could it happen, after everything it's put me through already? Why couldn't it just let me be happy for once, just this once.
To be fair I was happy with Trent and he more than made up for my past miseries but this...this would have been everything for me. This would have been heaven. And now it's gone. I swallowed hard. Wondering how my mother ever survived my sister's death, I breathed harshly, why did I have to remember that now? I buried my face in my hands, dialing Gibbs' number.
"Gibbs."
"Gibbs...don't bother working on that crib anymore." I said shakily.
"Ziva? What's wrong?" He asked gruffly.
"I miscarried Gibbs. I'm sorry." the tears fell quickly from my eyes.
"Ziva...I'm so sorry. I'm on my way over." Gibbs said quietly. I shook my head.
"No, No I rather be alone right now Gibbs. I just need a few personal days."
"Whatever you need Ziva. I'm a call away."
I hung up, I couldn't stand his pity. He may understand but he couldn't offer the comfort I needed. Trent could but I couldn't break his heart like that. I couldn't remember what happened the next three days, it was all lost in a drunken blur. I knew my coping methods were not only childish but dangerous as well. However I had ceased caring. I could feel myself turning bitter, the resentment building up. It was amazing how much hatred and anger one could amass in a few days.
I hated this world for ripping my life apart. I hated Gibbs for not coming to the rescue this time. I hated Trent for being away so much and not being here the one time I really needed him. I hated myself for getting my hopes up and for killing our baby. I blamed everything and everyone. I blamed the tap water in the building all the way to my Father in isreal. I blamed Trent, and I blamed my damn car. I threw all the cards and flowers I recieved in the garbage, they wouldn't do my dead kid any good. I grew even more frustrated and angry when I realized there would be no revenge for my baby. No life.
My hand shook. I needed him. I couldn't stand it anymore. I needed him. I needed my baby. I pressed my speed dial and listened to his soothing voice come over the line, I wept openly, I could hear his voice spike with concern.
"I need you Trent. Please. I can't do this alone anymore." I said trying to repress sobs.
"I'm on my way darling. I'm coming." He spoke softly. That night he entered my apartment without even knocking, I looked at him, hatred and pain in my eyes as I flew at him. Rationally I knew it wasn't his fault, but I couldn't help how I felt. I shoved him a few times before I finally fell into his arms. I rested my head against his firm, muscular chest, breathing deep his scent filling me I hugged him tightly, feeling his arms tighten around me. His lips on the top of my head.
"Zee, what's happened?" He asked quietly, swaying me like a hurt child.
"I missed you so much." I broke down in sobs as I told him what happened. I watched quietly as his face crumbled as I had feared but instead of pushing me away he only brought me closer.
"Not your fault you foolish woman. We'll get through this together, I'll pull us through this." He said as he wiped my tears, holding me in his arms on his lap. I felt safe, something I hardly ever felt, sighing I rested my head against his shoulder and fell asleep.
We had come through so much together. Our memories were full of love and laughter. Life. Even in the darkest moments. He had been gone for months. Not unusual but he always made contact once every month just to tell me he was okay but not once since the first month had he contacted me. It had been almost four months with no call or letter. Gibbs had once more put me on desk duty. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I wasn't fit for duty. I wouldn't be until he came home. If he came home. I shuddered. He'd come home. He had to. The alternative was too horrible to even consider.
I feared Gibbs knew. He always seemed to know. But his looks told me he really knew this time. How he found out is still a mystery to me, but so far it had caused no issues. He didn't even discuss it with me. And so far as I know, Trent either. Strangely I felt relieved that he knew, felt relieved that someone else could let me be me and not judge or try to change that. I smiled, something I did rarely these days. How could I ever explain to Gibbs how happy Trent made me?
I had been running along my normal route like I do every morning when suddenly a man in red tights and a white skin tight shirt ran up beside me, I bit my lip as I ran my eyes up and down his body, it was nice. I couldn't help but snort at the ridiculousness of seeing a man in tights, that's when he turned to me and I realized it was Trent. I just laughed and hit him. "What are you doing?"
"Going for a run with my girlfriend, is that okay with you, your highness?" He raised an eyebrow at me.
"Perhaps your girlfriend goes on her runs every morning to get away from you." I glared at him, smirking.
"Doubt it. Who would leave this sexy body at home to come running in this weather?" He ran ahead of me and shook his ass in my face. I slapped it hard, laughing and blushing.
"Oh you think you are cute, but I will kick your ass." I shouted over to him as he ran away.
"Not if you can't catch me honey buns." He called back, I glared. No one called me a pastry. I sprinted after him, tackling him three blocks away I watched him tumble to the ground, feeling our bodies mesh together in one tangled lump. He stared up at me for a moment before picking me up and walking to the pond with me.
"Don't you dare. I swear If you put me in that water Trent I will have you begging for death before lunch!" I said warningly even as he launched me into the deep pond, I felt the cold water envelop me as he cast his shoes off and sat on the ground, dipping his feet and ankles in. Swimming up by his feet, I dragged him in, he gasped and glared at me before trying to rip my clothes off
"What do you think you are doing Mister Kort?" I asked demandingly
"Skinny dipping?" He smiled innocently.
"I think not!" I smacked his hands away and he just rolled his eyes.
"One minute let me change your mind." He replied lazily, as he dived under the water. I watched his shadow disappear beneath the brown surface. He popped up a few minutes later. "So I was wondering if you would marry me and then skinny dip with me as well?" He opened a box and there was the most beautiful necklace I had ever seen. It was a diamond heart. A real diamond, God only knew what Trent had to do to get that. In the back was a gold dog tag with our names and a little note. "You have all my love Zee. Forever and always -Trent."
I beamed and screamed, "YES." I knew the necklace was in substitute for a ring, it would be too obvious had I shown up at work with a ring. But this necklace...much too beautiful to give up for a lousy ring anyways. I hugged him tightly and he just grinnned, taking off my clothes once more, I batted him away. "Stop that you pest!"
"The agreement was to marry me AND skinny dip with me." He whined looking at me pathetically. I laughed crudely.
"If you behave I may let you skinny dip with me later in the jacuzzi." Winking I climbed out of the pond to find Trent right behind me.
"Later like in thirty minutes?" He spoke quickly, his eyes alight.
"All you men are the same. All you want is sex, sex and more sex." I shook my head disdainfully.
"Oh Ziva you hurt me. I am wounded." I watched him fall back into the lake in his own theatrics. I laughed and walked away. Only to find him waiting for me at the apartment.
"How the hell did you get here?" I asked confused.
"Magic my love. Doesn't Mossad teach you that?" He asked curiously. I threw my brush at him.
"No Hot tub for you." I called, getting something to eat.
"No fair. No one likes a sore loser you know." He cooed I could hear him stripping. I rolled my eyes.
"Well if I have to." I smiled and wrapped my arms around his neck, letting him undress me and carry me to the jacuzzi, throwing me in he jumped on top of me. drowning us both for a minute before I felt the air on my cheeks and his hand slowly and gently sliding up my stomach and resting over my breast, his mouth covered mine as he cupped me and rubbed my nipple with his thumb. I gasped in pleasure as he continued.
It had been a year. There had been no contact with him at all, the agency hadn't even heard from him, and from surveillance units there have been no sighting's of him with the man he was suppose to be handling.
He was gone. That's what they said.
He had been tortured and murdered.
They never could find his body.
But even I knew he was gone. He would have made his way back to me if he was alive.
They had tortured him. I could feel my eyes well with tears. They had put the love of my life, My Trent, through horrendous pain before they killed him.
I knew exactly what they would have done to him.
The images won't stop in my head.
I wonder if he cried for me.
I wonder if he thought of me.
I hope he hadn't given up. It wasn't Trent's way.
I'd kill them. And sure enough five months from now they'd all be dead.
But right now I felt dead. And empty.
And no matter how many coffees Gibbs buys me it won't make for it.
He was the only one that came to the funeral from NCIS. He had been there more for me than Trent, but I still appreciated it.
I looked up at him and said, "We were engaged."
He said, "I know."
Of course he did, He always knew.
"I loved him." I whispered.
"I know."
"He loved me, so much."
Gibbs nodded, "Ziva, I know he did."
I stared at the casket and felt like climbing inside myself. How? Why? Why Trent? Why not me?
I couldn't even begin to feel this pain. This was just a dream. It had to be.
There was no other rational explanation for it.
Just a dream.
The day they knocked on my door with a letter was the end of my life.
The day that silver casket glided under my fingers my heart stopped.
When they handed me that flag it was like I was holding what little there was left of him.
And when they shot that last bullet it felt like a bullet in the heart.
He wasn't coming home this time.