Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR or any of the characters. Heh... what were YOU thinking?
*And, if you must, it's a parody of Bored of the Rings... you stupid evil mean people who called me... stupid.Can you make a parody of a parody? I think not. And you've obviously never read Bored of the Rings, because mine isn't like that at all... you stupid evil mean people.
Anyways, enjoy! And review, but don't be stupid fucks about it... please.
Concerning Hoagies
Well. Hoagies. They're similar to Prof. Tolkien's hobbits, but a bit different. They never exceed 4', and have oversized meat posts on the ends of their legs, which are covered with thick hair on the tops. Also, they have an unhealthy fetish for anything edible and most things drinkable, which results mostly in intense vomiting.They keep mostly to themselves, except on rare occasions when a drunken bunch of them get together and do unattractive things to some unfortunate woodland animal. I think enough's been said.
Chapter 1
Dilhole Baggage of Back End announced early in the summer that this year, on his 111th birthday, his intentions were to provide a free feeding for all the hoagys of Hoagyton. At no extra charge. He was responded with shouts of glee, as well as a few rancid belches from the crowd, which is the traditional hoagy appreciative gesture. Eventually, Dilhole managed to escape the rampaging mob and retreat back to Back End, where he removed his trousers and began preparing his afternoon tea.
Weeks passed, and gossip about the party began seeping through the streets of Hoagieton. On several occasions, Scab Gamey, the Back End gardener, had claimed to witness dwarves, hoagys and the like hauling crates and boxes to the house, each bearing strange symbols that appeared to be elvish. He copied the symbols and showed them to Fido Baggage, his best friend and Dilhole's nephew. Fido told him the symbols meant either ale, fish sticks or bat guano.
*****
Just three nights before Dilhole and Fido's party, (they, conveniently enough, had the same birthday), Gangrene the Wizard arrived in Hoagyton. He was greeted with dirty looks and obscene hand gestures as his red wagon trundled up towards Back End, led by an unattractive, overfed, black llama.
Ignoring the sign that read "Bug off, you bloody nosy bastards!" posted on the barbed wire fence, Gangrene shuffled up to the round door of Back End. He pounded on the door with the butt of his six-foot long staff, which was painted all the colours of the rainbow.
"Can't you read the sign, you wanker!? Off with you!" Came Dilhole's voice.
"Oi! Open up Dilhole, you great prat!" Gangrene called back.
"Gangrene!" Dilhole exclaimed from inside. There was a large crash, some grunting, then the door opened. Dilhole stood there, buckling his belt.
"Gangrene, I haven't seen you for ages! Where've you been hiding?"
"No business of yours, my tiny friend..." Gangrene replied. At that moment, a matchbox fell from his robe sleeve, printed across in pink letters 'The Lusty Lady'.
"I... See..." Said Dilhole slowly, picking it up and handing it back to the wizard. He cleared his throat, moving his eyes about left and right. "Well... perhaps you'd like to tell me why you've now decided to grace me with your presence..." Dilhole started, before he was cut off by Gangrene.
"To speak with you about the ring."
Dilhole stared at the wizard for nearly 37 seconds, not noticing a large trickle of saliva creep down his chin and form a small puddle on his hairy foot. His eyebrow twitched three times, then Gangrene continued.
"Right then, Dilhole. I'll just give it to you straight. We need to get that little bitch to Whoredor. The hamster's flown. The shed's been infected with the black lung. The sponges have grown tired of their positions, and the mongoose's infultrated the Easter parade. In other words, you've succumbed to it's power."
"Have not!"
"Orange snaps."
"Swiss cheese?"
"Have too!"
"Indeed..."
"Yes!"
"Knickers!!"
"ENOUGH!" Gangrene concluded the argument. Dilhole shrank back into a corner, folding into the fetal position and mumbling quietly about his dishware and the crabgrass in his garden. Gangrene took a drag off his pipe and blew a cloud shaped like a jelly donut.
"Give me the ring, Dilhole."
"Like the sky."
"NOW."
"Wuh-aiii?"
"Llama with swamp fever!"
"After the party?"
"Llama with swamp fever times seven."
A large orange cloud of smoke arose from Gangrene's feet. He started hacking violently, tripping over various inatemate objects as he scrambled to make his getaway unseen.
*****
The evening of the unholy grub fest came on three nights later. The place was completely packed with greasy, hyper venelating hoagys who rushed about, devouring more food than any normal creature should ever eat. Fido, Scab and Dilhole stood back aways, watching the swarm of hoagies consume everything from the mutton to the wash towels. Eventually, each and every one was keeled over with illness and regurgitating their stomach contents all over one another. Gangrene was amusing himself with his collection of bottle rockets and the chickens. Dilhole took this opprotunity to make his speech.
"Dear hoagy friends! I *hic* would like to take this opprotunity to make my speech!" Dilhole cried, waving his half-empty pint about his head and smiling stupidly. He stood doing just that for several minutes, trying to remember his speech. Unsuccessfully, he frowned and concluded, "What the hell... I'm leaving! You all suck! And smell something of a rotting lump of cottage cheese! And-" But before he finished, he'd dissapeared.
The hoagys gasped and started conversing and squealing madly at the atrocity, before the next wave of sickness came on.
Dilhole, meanwhile, had managed to make his way up to Back End. He had a bag packed by the door and his walking stick. He grabbed at them, then staggared off down the path. A sudden explosion of green smoke appared in front of him. It dissapeared, then Gangrene came running up the path, breathing heavily.
"The... *gasp* ring, Dilhole..." He panted.
"Right..." Dilhole muttered, groping about his pockets for the ring. He finally found it and tossed it to Gangrene. Gangrene screamed, dropping his staff and grabbing it out of the air. He held it tightly in his closed fist and brought it close to his chest. Dilhole wandered farther down the path, starting up a round of '99 bottles of beer on the wall'.
*****
Fido came bounding up the hill to Back End. Gangrene stood there, staring after Dilhole, who had just fallen into a ditch at '68 bottles of beer'.
"Where's Dilhole off to?" Fido asked when his breath returned.
"Fido, my boy! I need you to go off and make me some peppermint tea and three hard boiled eggs." Gangrene said as he pushed Fido into Back End.
Three hard boiled eggs and seven cups of peppermint tea later, Gangrene sat, fondeling the ring.
"Fido, answer this question and I'll give you something good. Who, out of the two of us, is a hoagy?"
"Er... um..." Fido pondered on that for just a minute, "Ah! It is me..."
"Correct, my lad. You win... er... the grand prize!" And with that he tossed the ring to Fido.
"What am I expected to do with this?"
"Congratulations, you've just won a one way trip to Whoredor to throw this little punk into the flaming Bog of Eternal Stench, in the pits of Mt. Dhoom."
"Er... What?"
"You're to set off tonight, my boy! It's much safer to set off as soon as possible. I took the liberty of packing some things for you..." Gangrene paused, holding up a small rucksack containing a loaf of bread, three pairs of clean underwear and some Crisco. "Dilhole has set off for Riverweed, as will you. I will be waiting there for you, for Exxon has called an emergency convention on where we're to build the new sanitation station."
"Wait a minute, I never volunteered for any of this!" Fido complained.
Gangrene stood silently for a minute before walking to the cupboard and wrenching it open. Scab fell out with a crash, his hand stuck in a jar of jam. The former contents of the jar were smeared about Scab's face and fingers. He stood ackwardly to his feet and grinned stupidly at Fido, wiping strawberry pulp from his eyes.
"And this shall be your loyal cohort on your quest..."