Heart By Heart
Disclaimer: I do not own Pretty Little Liars, I only own my OCs.
July 23, 2019
It wasn't the first time Spencer had been to a hospital.
When she was six years old, she fell out of a tree whilst trying to prove she could climb it higher than Melissa, and she broke her arm. Four years later, she cracked her head open on a particularly hard rock when she tripped during a race, with the same intentions to beat her older sister. And then, when she was seventeen, she visited the hospital three, agonising times - when -A gave her a nasty reminder of just how much a hold she had over her and collapsed the scaffolding underneath Toby's feet, sending him straight to the ground and breaking his arm. Then, when an elevator shaft fell from a heart-stopping height with her half-brother in it. Lastly, when Toby's car collided with another. And then when she was eighteen, and she staggered out that dollhouse with all her broken pieces dragging behind her and they put her through countless examinations, some she drifted in and out from.
The hospital held nothing but bad memories for her. That is, until she took her first trip to the maternity ward to meet Hanna and Caleb's surprise (they hated the word accident) twin boys, Hunter and Jace Rivers. The maternity ward was different to the other parts of the hospital, she didn't see any pain or tears being shed over lost loved ones. All these families, no matter what their stories were or what had happened to them, were looking down at their new borns like blind men seeing the sun for the first time. It made her heart ache slightly.
"Feeling a little broody, Spence?" Toby joked with her as they walked through the halls, hand in hand.
She rolled her eyes at him and gave him a playful shove, "Oh, ha-ha. Very funny, Cavanaugh."
"I'm just saying," Toby chuckled teasingly, grabbing her waist to steady himself as her push knocked his balance (that girl was strong) and then pulled her close to him. "That we should get around to it before I start getting old and lose the six pack I promised to pass down to our child."
She giggled slightly, "You are never going to let that go, are you?"
"I've never broken a promise to you yet, babe." He said as he pulled her into Hanna's hospital room, and she knew him well enough that he was being sincere.
"Hey," She dropped her voice a little as they entered the room, because it was such a precious setting and it didn't feel right to speak any louder than that. Hanna was pleasantly sunken into her pillows with her blonde hair tied up into a messy bun on top of her head, a thin sheen of seat still on her face and even though she looked totally exhausted, she was wearing that happy smile that Spencer had passed by many times today. Caleb had one arm around her, a swaddled blue bundle in the other, and the bundle's twin was in Hanna's arms. "Is it okay if we come in?"
"Of course," Hanna nodded happily, "You're the first one to ask. Emily practically ran into the door she was so desperate to see them."
Toby gave them both his congratulations, kissing Hanna on the cheek and patting Caleb on the back, before he started talking to Caleb about one thing or the other as they drifted off into a corner and Spencer settled herself down in the chair next to Hanna's bed. "How're you feeling?" She asked the blonde, leaning forward to take a look at the baby.
"Sore as hell." Hanna sighed with a slight grimace, but her lips curved upwards into a smile again as she looked down at Jace. "But, they were worth it."
"He looks like Caleb." She smiled, gazing at the baby's soft feathery chocolate brown hair and nose that unmistakably belonged to his father. A dull sort of ache settled in her womb, as she thought her place could easily have been swapped with Hanna's and she could've been the one holding the baby, one with Toby's big blue eyes that she fell in love with. "But, he has your eyes."
"Speaking of which…guess who decided to make an honest woman out of me?" Hanna sang, her cerulean eyes glinting excitedly as she watched her best friend's jaw drop practically to the ground.
"Caleb got down on one knee?" Spencer exclaimed, scanning the blonde's fingers for a ring.
"Well…not exactly," Hanna frowned, glancing toward Caleb who was chatting animatedly to Toby about what she supposed was his new born sons. "After they'd cleaned the boys up and handed them to me, Caleb just sort of looked at us for a moment before he sort of…fell to his knees. Then he asked me to marry him, right there in the delivery room."
Spencer couldn't help but laugh at that, "And what did you say?"
"Well, yes, of course." Hanna rolled her eyes, "I'd just had two babies with the guy. Besides, I was too doped up on the drugs they gave me to take away the pain to care that we weren't on a beach in Barbados at sunset. And, the way I see it, this way I get to pick my own engagement ring. That diamond is gonna be bigger than my hand."
"I think you might still be a little hazy, Han," Spencer laughed again, leaning forward to get a better look at the baby boy fidgeting in the blonde's arms. "You do know how many diapers two babies will go through in a week, don't you? All your money is gonna be going straight into Pampers' pockets."
Hanna gave a small huff, "And so parenthood begins, huh?" She eyed her best friend, who was looking at the baby in her arms with this adoring interest she had never seen before in Spencer's eyes. "Do you wanna hold him?"
"Oh, no. It's fine." A couple of seconds ago she'd wondered if Hanna would ever ask. But, now small fears suddenly started nipping at her: what if she hurt him? What if, god forbid, she dropped him? Jace was so small, so fragile, and she would never forgive herself if she hurt him. "He's your son, Hanna, I don't want to impose -"
"Yeah, and he's going to be my son for eighteen years." Hanna chuckled in a slightly confused way, "I think I can stand to be apart from him for just a couple minutes."
Spencer bit her lip anxiously, "What if I hurt him?"
This time, Hanna rolled her eyes at her in that oh-that's-so-Spencer way. "Spencer Cavanaugh, get over here and hold your godson." She didn't wait for an answer, only cooed down at Jace as he made a slightly cross noise at being handed to someone who wasn't his mommy for the umpteenth time today (Aria and Ezra, Emily and Ali, Ashley and Caleb's mother had already stopped by today). But, as he was pressed into the crook of Spencer's arms, he quietened down and looked up at her like he was trying to recognise her.
Maybe it was how he reached up with his tiny little fist and gently yanked at a loose strand of hair, or how feather light his tiny blue onesie clad body felt in her arms. Maybe it was the way his awe-filled bright blue eyes took in the world with such beautiful innocence, but no matter what it was, it came out of nowhere. She wanted a baby.
Which was insane, of course. She and Toby had only been married just over a year, and before today they hadn't even discussed having children. She'd never thought of herself as the broody type of girl at twenty three years old, she didn't have time for it. Between maintaining her relationship with Toby and working as an attorney five days a week, there just wasn't enough hours in the day. But, now she'd ran into this feeling as hard as she would a brick wall, and it didn't feel like it was going to go away any time soon.
So, she was mostly silent until the nurse popped her head around the door and told them that visiting hours were over and both Hanna and the twins needed to rest now.
And just like usual, Toby knew when something was up with her. "What's wrong?" He asked, coming to a stop just outside the glass pane separating them from all the new borns on the other side.
"Nothing." She replied just a little too quickly, ducking her head so she didn't have to lie to his face. "I'm fine."
"Spencer Cavanaugh, you look at me," He gently lifted her chin up to look her in the eye, and softly caressed her cheek. "And tell me what's wrong."
She heaved a heavy sigh, the nerves building up inside her until she could barely breathe. Her words came out in a quick, messy stutter, "I think…I think I want a baby."
Silence fell upon the room and her heart sunk deep into the dark pits of her stomach as she watched his features twist into an expression she couldn't place a name to, but all she knew was that it couldn't mean anything good. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry. I'm being stupid, Toby, forget I said anything -" She backtracked as fast as she could, hot, embarrassed tears prickling at her eyes.
"No, no, no, Spence." He cut her off quickly, almost desperately. "You're not being stupid, I…I think I feel the same way."
Now, that caught her by surprise. "Wait, what?"
He smiled a little sheepishly, "I think I have for a while."
"Then, why didn't you say anything?" She demanded, because they've never had secrets. They've always come to each other with everything because they trusted each other no matter what. And since they were so honest, she wondered how he'd managed to keep this to himself for so long.
"Because I wasn't sure you felt the same way," He admitted, "We've never talked about kids, so I just assumed that you didn't want them…"
"But, you want them." She pointed out, her heart pounding in her chest.
"Yeah. But, if you didn't then that would be okay." He gave her a wry smile, "Because I want you more, Spence, and I'd rather give up being a father than give up you."
Oh, God. The tears threatening to spill over now weren't ones of embarrassment, but of happiness. "Well, you don't have to give up either," She promised him, straining her height until she was on her tiptoes so she could wrap her arms around his neck, a smile tugging at her lips that went all the way to her bright eyes. "So, do you want to start trying?"
Toby just lifted her from the tips of her toes by her waist and swung her around until she was dizzy in the best kind of way, and then crashed his lips against hers. The kiss tasted of hope and happiness and it was like nothing she'd ever had before, but it was the best feeling, and she wanted it to go on forever. "I want to start trying." He murmured against her lips, before he leant into kiss her again - the second kiss was even sweeter than the first.
October 25th, 2021
"There's something wrong with me."
"Don't say that." Toby almost snapped at her, as they sat in the waiting room of the fertility clinic, waiting for their results. "Don't you ever say that, Spencer. There is nothing wrong with you."
She just shook her head sadly at him, and her heart almost broke when she saw her own heartache reflecting back at her in Toby's eyes. Her voice was soft when she spoke, like she was about to burst into tears, "Two years, Toby. It's been two long, gruelling years of trying and I still haven't got pregnant. There has to be something wrong with me."
"Hey, you don't know that." He whispered, and pulled her close until her head was resting on his chest and he was gently running his fingers through her hair.
"Yes, I do." Her voice wavered unsteadily, it was clear now that she was on the verge of tears. "Everyone has been able to get pregnant but me. Aria had Avery just a few months ago and Hanna got pregnant all over again...I just don't see any other explanation. I'm…I'm so sorry, Tobes."
"Stop saying sorry." It sounded like he was almost begging her. "Please, Spencer, I can't hear you say sorry again, not when you've done nothing wrong. It kills me."
"I'm sorry." She repeated again, "I just don't know who else to blame for this."
Toby held her tighter, almost like he thought if he hugged her tight enough all her broken pieces were going to fit back together, "There's no one to blame for this."
"Yeah, well," She muttered under her breath, this had to be her fault, of course it did. There had to be something wrong with her body that she couldn't produce the children that both she and Toby desperately wanted. It debilitated her piece by piece, because she felt like she had let him down. "Not yet."
"Mr and Mrs Cavanaugh?" They both looked up at the sound of their names being called to see a young woman in a nurse's uniform standing in the doorway of the examination room, holding a clipboard in her hands. Spencer gulped fiercely, trying to siphon some of Toby's courage as he took her hand in his, whispered that everything was going to be okay in her ear once again before leading her into the examination room.
The room was bathed in bright fluorescent lights that slightly hurt her eyes, and it smelled strongly of antiseptic. The nurse sat down behind her desk (it looked almost as organised as the one Spencer herself had at work) and told them both to sit down. They did, but Spencer fidgeted uncomfortably in her seat, unable to sit still. "There's no reason to be so scared, Mrs Cavanaugh." The nurse reassured her, but she didn't trust her because her tight smile was forced and fake. "But, your test results have come back and I'm sorry to say that…there is a problem."
When the first tear spilled down her cheek, she had to fight hard to bite back a sob. "It's me, isn't it?" She managed to choke out, "I knew it. Oh God, Toby, I'm so sorry -"
"Mrs Cavanaugh," The nurse interrupted her gently, "It's not you. Your results came back perfectly healthy."
Relief flooded through her, a comforting warmth before she heard Toby's breath hitch beside her and her blood ran ice cold through her veins.
"So, it's me." He forced out, and he sounded so broken that it makes her feel the same way. "There's something wrong with me."
"I'm very sorry, Mr Cavanaugh," The nurse said sympathetically, not looking him in the eye. "But, you have a low sperm count."
It was like the whole world stopped spinning. Toby's face went slack, stuck on that same, heartbroken expression that made her heart feel like it was being squeezed harder and harder until it was ash in her chest. When she reached out and grabbed his cold hand, he didn't react. It was like he didn't even feel her gentle touch. "Toby?" It came out almost a whimper, and he barely responded. There was a part of him, of course, that couldn't bear to see her or hear her suffer, so he just squeezed her hand back weakly. It was like it was the only comfort he could offer her. Oh God, Toby didn't cry, he never cried. But now there were tears glistening in those bright blue eyes she fell in love with. "Toby, please talk to me."
"I want you to know this doesn't mean Spencer will ever be unable to get pregnant," The nurse cut in, but she barely heard her. "You can keep trying but…"
"But, it's more unlikely than not that this will ever happen for us." She interrupted, because she didn't want to be there anymore. She wanted to go home so she can hold her broken husband in her arms and tell him that everything was going to be okay like he had done for her so many times that she had lost count. "Thank you for your time."
"Spencer, I -" Toby started, but Spencer just gripped his hand tighter and grabbed her purse, pulling them both to their feet.
"Mr and Mrs Cavanaugh, wait." The nurse said desperately as they started to leave, "This doesn't mean you're never going to be able to start a family together. There are so many options - a sperm donor, a surrogate mother or adoption…if you'd just let us help you then you could take some time to figure out what you think would be best for you -"
"Thank you for your time." She repeated, and that time the nurse let them go.
She refused to break down and cry there, even though when Toby wrapped his arm around her tightly and pulled her close as they walked toward the exit it made it that much harder. The drive home was completely silent. Toby drove, and Spencer gazed out the window from the passenger seat and watches the raindrops fall from the dark grey, murky sky and hit against the window. They both had so much to say, they just didn't know how to say it the way they wanted to.
When they entered their house, it felt even emptier than it did before. Spencer dropped her purse to the ground carelessly in the hallway and walked straight to the kitchen to make a pot of strong black coffee. It probably wasn't a good idea, her hands were shaking so violently already. But, she needed something to do with her hands, otherwise she'd use them to throw and destroy everything she could see until the entire house was a mess of broken glass, because the inconsolable sorrow she was feeling right now felt like the worst kind of anger. She was so focused that she didn't even know Toby had followed her into the kitchen until he spoke, "Spencer -"
"Don't apologize." She cut him off immediately, because she knows him well enough to know that's the first thing he'll do. "Please, Toby, I can't hear you say you're sorry."
Toby just shook his head at her, "I was going to say that…if you want to leave me, then I understand."
"Don't you dare?" She spun around quick as a whip to face him, and she saw how broken he was to see tears so thick filling her eyes she could barely see. "Don't you ever say that again, Toby Cavanaugh? Don't you ever even go there? Do you really think, that after everything we've been through that I would just leave you?"
He collapsed into a chair at the kitchen table, "Spencer -"
"Toby, I love you. I love you so much that it hurts sometimes." She was almost screaming now, her voice borderline hysterical as all that anger and emotion spilled out. "You have stood by me through everything life has thrown at me since the moment you walked into my life, and every time that I fall into a million pieces you are always there to put me back together again. Not everyone would have done that. Especially after I came out of that awful place…" They both flinched at the mention of the dollhouse. "And I was such a mess. I couldn't sleep. When I did it would only be for a couple of hours before I woke up screeching until my throat was raw. Anything, even as simple as seeing a black hoodie would send me into a full blown panic attack…but, you were always there. You were by my side to be there for me no matter what. And I know for a fact that if you weren't there for me then I would never would have made it through that time."
They were both crying now, hot tears spilling down their cheeks as Spencer finally collapsed to her knees at his feet and he took her hands in his. "You never once gave up on me." She whimpered hoarsely, "You could have, but you didn't. And now, I'm not going to give up on you."
Somehow, he found enough strength to wrap his arms around her and pull her close until she was on his lap, her head resting on his shoulder. He whispered softly, "What are you saying?"
"We're going to keep trying." She told him firmly, "I know the doctor said that it's next to impossible that I'll ever be able to get pregnant, but…since when has anything been impossible for us?"
December 3rd, 2022
It had been another year - another long, hard gruelling year and they were both beginning to lose hope. The trash cans were filled with used pregnancy tests that all came up negative and each one made another memory of broken sobs and nights spent holding Spencer in his arms until she cried herself to sleep.
"I really think this could be it." She told him tonight with cracked hope in her big brown eyes before disappearing into the bathroom to take yet another pregnancy test, and he didn't have the heart to tell her that she really thought it could be it the last time she took a pregnancy test, and the time before that, and countless times before that. And oh god, if coming up negative didn't hurt like a punch in the gut enough, seeing Spencer's face crumble in on itself was even worse. This was tearing her apart piece by piece.
He knocked on the door after a couple of minutes passed, "Are you done in there?"
"Yep!" She called back, sounding agonizingly hopeful. "You can come in."
When he entered, she was fidgeting on the closed lid of the toilet seat, her nerves getting the better of her like they did every time they took a test. "This has to be it," She said, and he wasn't sure whether she was talking to him or to herself. "I'm two weeks late on my period, and I started throwing up yesterday."
Both these things had happened before, and when they'd talked to the doctor about it they'd told them that it was all stress-related and the pressure she was putting on herself wasn't healthy. They'd even suggested they take a break from trying for a while, and Toby had agreed - but Spencer was adamant. "Spence," He started carefully, not wanting to say the wrong thing and upset her.
Spencer heaved a heavy sigh, "You don't think that I'm pregnant."
"It's just that…" He reached out to take her hand, but she pulled away from him. "We've been here before, Spence. I don't want you to get your hopes up and -"
The trill of the alarm alerting them the three minute wait was over cut him off, and Spencer snatched the test up from the sink. Her face was emotionless for a few seconds, and one half of his heart skipped with hope and the other one started the familiar sink down to the bottom of his stomach. Then, her eyes filled with tears and a small frustrated scream that came right from the raw back of her throat echoed through the room and she threw the pregnancy test against the wall so hard it dented the wall. Then, before he had a chance to do anything she ran out of the bathroom.
The test was negative, he didn't even need to look at it to know that. He hadn't thought Spencer was pregnant, he'd been through this before - the signs, the risen hopes, only for them all to come crashing down for her - but it still hurt. It was like a knife to the stomach seeing Spencer's hope crumble right before his eyes.
"Spencer!" He called and ran after her, but skidded to an abrupt stop when he reached the hallway - when he saw Spencer shrugging on her black pea coat and wrapping her charcoal grey wool scarf around her neck, knee high black leather boots already on her feet. "Spencer, what are you doing? Where are you going?"
Then it hit him as hard as a slap in the face - she was finally leaving him to find someone who could give her the children she so desperately wanted, and although his heart felt like it was shattering in his chest he understood. She deserved better than him, hell even before all this, she did. He deadpanned flatly, "You're leaving me."
"No!" She cried out in between her sobs, "Toby, I have told you until my throat is raw that I am never going to leave you."
Then he was confused, scared even as she grabbed her beanie and pulled it over her head. "Then where are you going?"
"I just need some head space for a couple of hours." She gulped, carelessly wiping away her tears. "I…I feel like I'm suffocating…I just…I need some air."
And then she was gone, the door slamming behind her in the cold December wind and he felt like she'd taken a part of him with her. They'd been trying three years, three long unhappy years and he was so tired. So tired of watching the one person on this earth who mattered to him the most's heart break into a thousand pieces over and over. Spencer knew she wasn't going to get pregnant, he thought she's known that for a long time. But, she held on to it because it had become such an important part of their life for so long.
He could feel tears pricking at his eyes now, and it had been so long since he'd let himself cry. He made a promise to himself the day he agreed to keep trying with Spencer that he'd keep it together for her, even then he knew the road wasn't going to get any easier. But, this time he let them spill down his cheeks as he thought of Spencer - his Spence, who he had promised the world because it was everything she deserved, but he couldn't give her children. And every negative pregnancy test felt like a reminder of his broken promise, the first promise he'd ever broken to her.
Four hours passed since she walked out of that door, and then he couldn't stand it anymore. He grabbed his coat and shoved on his boots, before jumping in the car.
He knew exactly where to find her.
Of course she'd gone straight to their place - the hill overlooking the dark sky above the whole of Rosewood, each house illuminated with lights so small she could've mistaken them for fireflies. She felt safe there, almost peaceful. It was also the first place she knew Toby would look for her, and sure enough, his cracked voice breaking the silence: "Hey."
She looked over her shoulder and gave him a sad, tearful smile, "Hey."
He didn't respond, just collapsed down next to her in the snow and wrapped his arms around her without even a question of what she needed. She snuggled her face into the crook of his neck which was comfortingly warm against the cold December wind, and finally admitted in this small, helpless voice, "I'm so tired, Tobes."
Toby pulled her closer, murmuring into her hair, "I know, babe…I know."
"Three and a half years of trying and all it's done is torn us apart," She didn't realise she was crying until she heard the tears in her own voice, and she pulled back from Toby just little enough so his arms were still wrapped firmly around her. She looked up at him with tired, apologetic tear filled eyes, "I don't think I can do this anymore."
"You don't have to." And his voice was choked too, "Not anymore, you don't…you don't have to hurt anymore."
A sob ripped through her, a heartbroken raw sob of defeat as she grabbed a handful of Toby's coat and collapsed back into his chest. She held onto him like he was a lifeline, which in that moment it felt like he was. "So this…this is really over? We just have to accept we're never going to have a family together?"
"No." He told her firmly, "This isn't over, Spence. Do you remember last year what the nurse told us last year at the fertility office? That we have other options?"
She blinked up at him, "You want to look into adopting a baby?"
"There's a heart breaking amount of children out there without a family," He told her, and his eyes glinted with new hope. "A family that we could give them, Spence."
"A family," She murmured, and smiled for the first time in what felt like forever. "I like the sound of that."
July 23rd, 2023
Their request was simple - a boy or girl between as young as a couple of weeks to just under four years old who was in need of a loving family.
And after a long, long six months they still stood without a baby by their side. But, it was different from before. Back when they were trying, they had no promise that Spencer would ever get pregnant - they hoped, but sometimes that wasn't enough. But now that they had requested to adopt a child, they both knew it was only a matter of time until they became a family of three. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off of their shoulders - she certainly hadn't felt this good in a while.
She watched her godsons blow out the eight candles on their birthday cake (four for the each of them) and her heart swelled slightly. It had been four years since her best friend had brought them into the world, and even though they still looked as perfect and cherubic as they did as new borns, they acted far from it. Those twins were bad boys in the making.
"Can we eat the cake now?" Hunter asked hopefully, reaching out with an open fist to the cake.
Hanna rolled her eyes at him, "Give me a minute to cut it, kid."
"Oooh!" Jace's eyes lit up in excitement, "Can I cut the cake?"
"No." Hanna and Caleb all but yelled at the same time, and both twins looked up at them confusedly. Hanna put her hands on her hips and explained, "Look, I might not be the brightest crayon in the box - but, I'm smart enough to know that giving a four year old on a sugar high a knife is not a good idea."
She internally groaned at the quiet vibrating of her phone, because it was about that time of day where her mother would call her up to go on and on for hours about Melissa's latest achievements (sometimes Spencer would leave the phone somewhere and come back ten minutes later, and her mom wouldn't even have noticed she'd gone) and ask her why she hadn't been promoted yet. She pulled her phone out of her pocket to decline the call, only to almost drop it to the ground when she saw the caller ID.
"Toby," She grabbed his bicep urgently, "The adoption agency's calling me."
His eyes widened with hesitant hope, "You're kidding?"
She shook her head so violently she felt stray hairs fall down from her messy bun, "I'm not. Hanna, is there somewhere we can take this?"
"Sure, the kitchen will be empty as long as the cake's in here. You can take the call in there." Hanna nodded with a smile pursed so tight you could tell how hard she was trying to hold back her squeals of excitement. Spencer thanked her quickly before going to follow Toby in the kitchen, but Hanna caught her arm with a sudden almost urgency. "No matter what they say in there, I want you to know that we're all here for you guys. We love you, and we'll always be your family."
Oh, God, she hadn't even taken the call yet and she felt like she was going to cry. She threw her arms around the blonde, "Thank you, Hanna."
Then she ran into the kitchen, pressing the phone into Toby's steady hands (so different to hers, which were shaking something chronic. She already knew that he was holding his nerves together for her sake) the moment she came to a stop in front of him. "Please," She said, even though she knew she didn't even have to ask. "Please, you answer it. My hands are shaking."
He nodded, "You know that I love you no matter what happens right, Spence?"
"I know." She whispered, and she really did. "I love you too."
She lost all control over her body the moment he accepted the call and put the phone to his ear, and without realising she held her breath. The phone wasn't on speaker so she couldn't hear what the person on the other line was saying, and all she was getting from Toby were "Yes" and "Thank you"s. But, she didn't need to know what they were saying. Toby was smiling that smile she hadn't seen in what felt like forever - it had to be finally working out for them. "Thank you," Toby repeated, he sounded like he couldn't say it enough. "We'll be there. Thank you…thank you so much."
He hung up the phone, and an eternity could've passed in that single moment before he said it, almost disbelievingly: "Her name is Lana."
Her. It's a girl. Lana. She was smiling before she even know it - really smiling - and so many questions come to her lips, but she could only repeat that beautiful name, "Lana."
"She turned four just last month on the seventeenth. She's got brown, curly hair," Toby pulled her in, tangling his fingers through her own brown, curly hair with a smile tugging at his lips. "And big blue eyes. She's been in the system up in Philly for about a year or so -"
She swore her heart broke just a little bit, and it showed in the crack in her voice, "She's gone a whole year without anyone to love her?"
Toby looked her right in the eye and promised, "That's going to change."
She didn't realise there were tears in her eyes until her vision blurred, but these were tears she wanted to shed. They were tears of sheer, pure joy. "They want us to take her?"
"Yeah." Toby nodded with a slight disbelieving chuckle, "They really do."
She laughed too, through her tears. "Is this real?"
He pulled her into his embrace, before pressing his lips to hers for a long, lingering kiss that brought back memories of that kiss in the hospital all those years ago. It was a reminder of that promise they made together, the promise to start a family. Finally that promise was being fulfilled. And she knew she had her answer even before Toby murmured against her lips, "This is real."
"When do we leave for Philly?" She knew she'd leave right now if she could, and that Toby would too.
But, instead he whispered, "Tomorrow."
A sudden question passed through her mind and tugged at her heartstrings. "Toby," She was hesitant, almost on the verge of being scared. But, she knew she had to ask, "Why didn't anyone want her?"
"Lana…she's been through much more than any little girl should've had to." Her heart sunk to the bottom of her chest, and not because she knows he's implying that something horrible has happened to this little girl and it's left her emotionally scarred. But because she had her own scars, and she knew how hard it was and how long it took for them to stop hurting and let them heal over. Nobody, especially someone as little as Lana, should have had to go through that. "And she hasn't had the support to be able to deal with it the right way. Not many people are willing to take on a very broke, scared little girl who is going to need a lot of love and emotional support."
Determination pulsed through her bloodstream, and it felt different than before. Maybe, she thought, this was what maternal instinct felt like. "But, we are."
"We are." Toby confirmed, and a grin tugged at the corners of his lips. "Should we all go tell everyone the good news?"
She just laughed, "I'm half betting the girls have all their ears pressed up against the door."
July 24th, 2023
"You should know that I admire your decision," Miss Williams, the woman from the adoption agency told them as she led them down the hallway to her office. There they'd sign the adoption papers and make Lana a part of their family, before meeting their daughter for the first time and taking her home. "Adopting a child like Lana."
Spencer stopped sharply in her tracks, the way the woman said 'a child like Lana' made her immediately defensive for this little girl. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Toby squeezed her hand gently, murmuring in a low, warning tone, "Spence."
She closed her eyes and took a deep calming breath, knowing that the woman hadn't meant what she said in the way it sounded, but she couldn't help it. She felt like she had to protect Lana from any other horrors of the world she hadn't already faced, whether it be the little or the big things. She felt she had to prove she could be Lana's mother.
Miss Williams stopped too and turned around to face them, her face a mask of confusion, "I take it you know what Lana has been through?"
"We weren't given the details." Toby explained, and she heard him take his own deep breath, preparing himself for what the woman was going to tell them. He wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her close - he was preparing her for it too. "They said it wasn't something to be told over the phone."
"Lana was involved in a car accident when she was three," Miss Williams told them, and she sounded emotionally drained - like she'd told this story a million times and had watched this hurt little girl be rejected by people who were supposed to love her each time. "A head on collision with a drunk driver. She was in the backseat at the time and the doctors were able to save her, but…her parents weren't so lucky. She hasn't gone a night without waking up screeching until her throat is raw from nightmares of the crash, and she refuses to go anywhere near a car. Last time we tried she sent herself into one of her anxiety attacks."
She tried to find the right words, but she couldn't speak. Toby's throat sounded like it had been scraped raw, "Oh, God…"
"She's a very smart girl, Mr and Mrs Cavanaugh," She continued as she led them into her office, offering them two seats opposite her desk. "Perhaps too smart. She figured out on her own that someone was to blame for her parents' death. Since then, she thinks that everyone around her wants to hurt her like she hurt them. She doesn't trust anyone."
They both flopped down in the chairs, fingers still intertwined. They'd both known that Lana had been through more than she should have had to, but they didn't know the extent. And she felt like they should've, because there was a high chance that this little girl is going to be scared of them. They were supposed to be her parents.
Miss Williams judged their expressions in a split second, like she had done countless times before. "Do you two need a minute to -?"
"No." She snapped sharply, cutting her off. Lana was waiting somewhere in this place, she'd been told that there's a family who wanted to adopt her, and Spencer couldn't bear to think about how many time she's been let down before. She knew what it was like to have your hopes raised so high, only to crash and burn at the ground. "Give us a pen."
Miss Williams looked shocked, "Are you sure you don't need a minute to -?"
"You heard her." Toby half-smiled determinedly at Spencer, before turning back to Miss Williams firmly. "We want to sign the papers so we can take our daughter home."
Our daughter. She loved the way that sounded. And in that moment she swore she loved him even more, she didn't think it could be possible but here they were.
They signed the papers, and it was so strange to think that something so life changing could be done with just a few flicks of the wrist. But, she knew that was only the easy part. Sure, they were Lana's parents on paper but that didn't mean anything to a little girl. They had a long road ahead of them, she knew that, but she was willing to travel it.
They were led back down through the corridor they came through, only this time into a small, musty smelling room where a man in about his mid-thirties sits on a couch looking almost bored like he'd been here countless times before. Next to him was a tiny little girl whose feet didn't reach the ground from her seat on the couch, bouncy chocolate brown curls resting on her shoulders as she clung tightly to a stuffed toy bunny with bitten fingernails. She was visibly shaking. And at the sound of the door, she looked up at them with those bright blue eyes. Lana.
The man blinked a few times, not knowing what to say now he didn't have to give Lana the 'there'll-be-other-families' speech. "Lana," He rested one hand on the little brunette's shoulder, and her heart broke a little when she saw Lana flinch at his touch. "These are your adoptive parents, Spencer and Toby."
"Hi, honey." She said softly, but Lana just looked back to the ground fearfully. Nothing happens for a moment, before Spencer took one step forward and with one frightened look in her doe eyes Lana crumbled into herself, burying her head in her knees and whimpering. For a moment, she's devastated, because Lana has nothing to be afraid of. They're not there to hurt her, they're there to love her - but then she reminds herself that this little girl has been through too much to even begin to comprehend that.
"Lana, these people are here to adopt you. They're not going to hurt you." The man admonished, but, of course those words meant nothing to Lana, not after so many broken promises and certainly not spoken like a scolding. When Lana remained curled up in her quivering frame, the man heaved a heavy sigh. "They're going to take you home."
She whimpered then, and it was this small, heart wrenching sound that came right from the back of her throat and tugged at Spencer's heartstrings painfully. She caught one brief glance of those blue eyes as Lana looked up, trying to find some kind of escape. They were filled with frightened tears. She could feel tears pricking at her own eyes, because oh god, she didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to help, she didn't know how to be Lana's mommy.
"Hey, Lana," Toby's voice was so soft, so gentle, and it's what sent her over the edge. A single tear spilled down her cheek, remembering when she'd wake from those terrifying nightmares and he'd calm her frantic heart by murmuring sweet nothings in that same tone. Lana looked at him, really looked at him for the first time. It occurred to her that maybe she hadn't had someone to make her feel that safe in a very long time. "Shh, shh, it's okay sweetheart. It's okay. We're not going to hurt you."
He crouched down to his knees so he was at her height, "Is that a bunny you have there?" He asked her quietly, and it's a few long moments before she slowly nodded her head. A few of her springy curls bounced into her wide, not-sure-whether-to-trust filled eyes. "He's very cute. Does he have a name?"
The man - she assumed that he was Lana's social worker - cut in warningly, "She doesn't really talk much to strangers -"
Toby ignored him, because that man didn't matter - the only person in that room who mattered to him right now was Lana. So he waited intently for her until two tiny words broke the tense silence that filled the room - it was small, scratchy and timid, but it was there. "Peter Rabbit."
"Like from the book?" She kept her voice equally as soft as Toby's as she leant down beside him. "I like that. You know, I had a bunny just like that when I was a little girl. Do you wanna see?"
Lana nodded slightly again, and Spencer pulled her old stuffed toy bunny out of her purse. It had been the toy she always needed when she woke up in the middle of the night or when her sister had been especially horrible when she was little, there was just something about the feel of the soft fur pressed up against her face that made her feel everything was going to be okay back then. And that was the kind of feeling that Lana needed. She kindly held out the toy to Lana, not so close for her to feel uncomfortable but close enough for her to take it. And she did take it, but cautiously so like she was afraid of breaking it. She ran her tiny fingers over the bunny's plush ear, "My bunny had two ears once too." She murmured, "But, when we…when we got hurt…"
Her eyes filled up with scared, frustrated tears and she hid her face in her hands again to hide the tears from them.
"Hey, hey, that's okay." Toby reassured her, and she could see that he was just aching to reach out and pull her into a hug so tight that all her broken pieces would piece back together. But, of course he couldn't, they had a long way ahead of them before he could do that. "You don't have to talk about that, honey."
Lana took a minute to get her tears under control, but her voice was still slightly choked when she forced out, "They fixed me up, but they didn't fix him."
"Can I see?" She asked, and that frightened look returned. "Hey, I just want to take a look. I promise I'll give him right back."
Everyone in the room stared disbelievingly at the new mother and daughter, as Lana took a leap of faith and cautiously pressed the toy into Spencer's hands. The little girl watched as Spencer held the toy like it was the most precious thing in the world (which it was to Lana, because it was the only thing she had left in the world) and examined the tear on the bunny's plush head, pushing some loose stuffing back in. She smiled reassuringly at Lana, "Ah, we can fix him right up."
Lana blinked in surprise and when her eyes opened she caught a flash of almost trust there, "Really?"
"Of course we can." She promised, and handed the toy bunny back to the little girl who was holding the toy Spencer gave her like she'd had it her entire life. "Would you like to keep him?"
She looked confused, and it occurred to her that it must've been a while since Lana had been given something. Awe-stricken, she whispered, "But, he's yours."
"I think you could use him a lot more," She told her honestly, "He always managed to make me feel safe when I was a little girl."
The way that Lana's expression changed, like the word 'safe' was a concept completely lost to her was enough to make her feel like her heart was being squeezed inside of her chest. "Safe?"
"That's right." Toby confirmed, and squeezed Spencer's hand tightly.
"Thank you." She wasn't sure whether the little girl was saying thank you for the bunny, or for the indirect promise that Toby had just made to her.
Miss Williams cleared her throat from the other side of the room and all three of them jolted suddenly, they'd completely forgotten that she - or the social worker - were even there. "Excuse us, but we have another appointment in just five minutes so…" Lana whimpered, and Toby gave the woman a glare that clearly said now-look-what-you've-done.
"Do you think I should just take her?" Toby asked her, and she just nodded in response. Toby leaned forward and whispered something in Lana's ear that she couldn't make out, and Lana squeezed her eyes tightly shut like she was trying to block out the world around her. Then, Toby wrapped his arms around her and a soft whimper escaped her, but he shushed her gently and pulled her close until her head was buried in his neck and his arms were wrapped tightly around his neck like she was clinging on for dear life. "Shh, it's okay, honey."
She shook hands with Miss Williams, and Toby nodded gratefully at her whilst murmuring promises that she was okay, that she was safe, and that they weren't going to hurt her in Lana's ears. They were halfway out the building and into the parking lot when Spencer stopped in her tracks. "Toby," She breathed heavily through her nose, "We brought the truck."
"Ah, crap." He muttered under his breath so only she could hear, "That's okay, that's fine. I can come back for it tomorrow."
"But, how are we going to get home?" She asked, and Lana lifted her head from Toby's shoulder.
"We'll take the train," Toby reassured her, "The station's only a short walk from here."
"Home?" Lana echoed softly, "I haven't had a home in forever."
Then, something strange happened. Both Spencer and Toby looked right at each other, and it was like they were seeing the exact same determination in each other's eyes - the determination to make up for everything Lana's missed out on, to heal all her wounds, to give her a home and to do it together. "You're always going to have a home now, honey." Toby vowed, "We promise you."
She thinks that's the moment they became Lana's parents.
2nd August, 2023
It's not the first time since they've brought her home that Lana woke up screaming like her heart was being torn into a thousand pieces, but that doesn't mean it made it any easier.
At just past two in the morning, he was out of bed and halfway down the hall to Lana's room before he was even fully awake and barely aware of what was happening. All he knew was that he had to get to Lana and whisper that her nightmares weren't real and she was safe with them until his throat was raw. He fumbled with the silver door handle in the dark until her screams reached a point of pure hysteria that caused his heart to pound so desperately that he feared his chest would bruise from the force. He was only vaguely aware of Spencer's hand on his back as he threw open the door and flicked on the light switch. Lana was sitting bolt upright in her bed, clutching her toys like they were her lifeline and struggling to breathe through her heavy frightened sobs.
"Hey, hey, sweetheart," He said softly, and walked slowly (he knew better than to come at her too fast. Lana may be on the road to trusting them but he knew this was because they weren't taking things too fast for her) toward her before sitting next to her on the edge of the bed. "You're okay, honey, you're okay. Just breathe."
Lana furiously tried to wipe away her tears but her hands are shaking too hard for her to do anything with them at all. In between her horrible, soul shattering sobs and her short, laboured breaths she managed to choke out the same sentence over and over: "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"You don't need to be sorry, honey," He tried to reassure her, because he can only imagine how many foster homes this little girl has been in and how many times she's been sent back to the orphanage because of the nightmares that haunt her every time she closed her eyes. "You had a nightmare, and it made you really scared so you screamed. That's okay."
She just buried her face in her hands to hide her tears and kept sobbing, still mumbling, "I'm sorry.", until the words didn't make sense anymore. He tried with the sweet nothings again, but it was like Lana didn't even hear him. "I'm sorry," She muttered, her voice muffled through her hands. "Please don't send me back. I won't scream again. I'll try."
There was something different about Lana's state now. Her brown curls were sticking to the thin sheen of sweat on her slightly green face, and she was trembling like she was tucked in a blanket of snow in the cold dead of winter. Her breaths were uneven as her heart stumbled over beats it was unable to take. He knew these symptoms all too well - Lana was having a panic attack. He'd had his experience of dealing with them in the past because no matter how much time passed, -A would always be a part of his wife. When Spencer had nightmares - whether it had been after she came out of the dollhouse or when she'd thought she'd seen his dead body - sometimes they'd be so frightening she'd be thrown into a full blown panic attack. But, every time he'd managed to handle it without having to take her to the hospital. He just had to hold her in his arms and rock her back and forth until her breaths were even again.
"Lana, honey," He said gently, "I think I know something that will stop making you feel so scared, but I need to know if you're okay with me holding you."
She gazed at him, like she was weighing out which part of her she should take - the part of her that trusted him, and the part of her that wasn't quite there yet. And when she held out her arms to him almost desperately, he knew that she had chosen he chose the former self. So, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his lap before running his fingers through her sweaty curls and rocking her back and forth. And after a few minute, she was still in his arms apart from the steady rise and fall of her chest.
Spencer was staring at them, tears shining in those big brown eyes that he fell in love with. She didn't need to say anything, he knew what she meant. "We all have nightmares sometimes, Lana," She told the little girl softly as she rested her head on Toby's shoulder. "I still have them a lot. But, that's okay because that doesn't make my family love me any less. And I know we only met you just over a week ago but you are our daughter now, Lana, and we love you. You're family, and that means that you don't need to be scared when you have a nightmare because we'll always be here."
And he swore in that moment he couldn't love her any more than he did now, but he's said that a lot ever since all this began, and he's been proved wrong each time.
They stayed with Lana even after she fell sound asleep again, climbing in either side of her in her tiny single bed. Spencer stroked the little girl's forehead, "I wish she knew how much we love her."
He leaned across the bed and pressed a soft kiss to her lips, "One day, she will."
10th August, 2023
It had been two weeks since they'd brought Lana home, and they'd decided that it was time for her to meet the family. Not the Hastings or Toby's father or estranged step-sister (God knows how that will go down when the time comes) but the people that they really considered family. Hanna and Caleb with their twins and their two year old daughter Rosalie, Aria and Ezra with their daughter Avery who was just around Lana's age, and Emily and Alison who had tied the knot just a few months ago. She'd made them all promise over the phone to be gentle and not do anything to overwhelm or upset the little girl. "What if they don't like me?" Lana asked her quietly, as Spencer tied her curly hair into two braids.
"Then it would be their loss, because you are the most amazing little girl that I have ever met." She told her firmly, then grinned. "Just don't tell Avery or Rosalie that I said that."
Lana looked like she wanted to smile, but it was almost as if she'd forgotten how. Instead, she just nodded shyly back at Spencer.
Toby poked his head around the doorway to Lana's bedroom, "How are my two girls doing?"
She smiled widely enough for the both of them back at him, "We're good."
When he told them that everyone was downstairs waiting for them, Lana went stiff as a board and whimpered like she had that day they met her at the adoption agency. She admitted, "I'm scared."
"That's okay," She told her, because they've taught her that sometimes it's okay to be scared every time she's woken up screeching from her nightmares. And maybe it's all in her mind, but she swore that she was getting better. "But, there's really nothing to be scared of, Lana. These people are our family, which makes them your family now. And family loves each other."
"Will you stay with me?" She asked quietly, and she had her answer when Toby took one of her hands and Spencer took the other. They lead her downstairs and into the living room intertwined tightly hand in hand, it's where everyone is waiting. A short, startled gasp escapes Lana when she sees just how many people are there, but she squeezes each of their hands determinedly. They have told her that these people aren't going to hurt her, and they've never lied to her before. She trusted them.
Nobody spoke for a moment, they all just stared at their family of three like they were trying to wrap their head around the fact that they had a child now. But, Caleb - thank God for Caleb - broke the ice with his easy, mischievous grin and crouched down in front of Lana so he could talk to her instead of down to her. He didn't even flinch when she backed up a little, clinging to Toby's jean leg and hiding slightly behind it. "Hey, Lana," He smiled at her, "Cool scar. I've got one too, see? That means we're tough."
"I've got three scars," Hunter announced, "You wanna see?"
"I've got even more than him," Jace boasted, shoving his brother out the way. "Mine are better."
"Leave her alone, you morons." Avery sighed with a roll of her big hazel eyes, and gave Lana a kind smile. "Just ignore them, Lana. Come on, I'll show you my dolls."
And just like that, the ice was broken. The children opened their arms to Lana immediately, and within moments she may as well have grown up with them. Before long they'd taken some of Lana's new toys and gone into the far corner of the living room to play together, even little Rosalie who tended to bite down on the plastic teacup handles instead of drinking from them. She used this opportunity to take a breather and sit down with the girls, drinking the strongest coffee that she'd ever made. "She's beautiful, Spence," Emily sighed longingly, looking over at Lana. Something told her that maybe Emily was getting broody, but god knows how that would go down with Ali. They'd been travelling a lot, mostly Paris, and Ali loved it. She didn't seem to want to settle down yet.
"She's our world." Spencer replied, watching Lana introduce the children to both her rabbits.
Aria smiled a little wanly at her, "How's she been adjusting?"
"She's getting there," She answered noncommittedly, "She's still got a long road ahead of her, but…they say it starts with a single step, right?"
"You look exhausted," Alison commented, sipping from her mug and all the girls (excluding Emily) glared at her as if to say you-don't-know-what-tired-is-until-you're-a-mom.
She frowned at her sort-of-sister because she didn't want any of them to think she couldn't handle Lana's nightmares and panic attacks, because…oh, god, she loved her friends, she really did. But, the last thing she wanted was for either Hanna or Aria to tell her slowly and clearly how to be a parent. She was having enough doubts about her parenting skills on her own. And she knew they wouldn't do it to make her feel bad about herself, but she hated being told what she didn't know, but was supposed to know. She was supposed to be the smart one, for God's sake. "I'm fine."
"No, Ali's got a point." Hanna interjected, squinting at the dark circles under Spencer's bloodshot eyes. "You look worse than I did after my first night with the twins. When did you last sleep?"
"Last night." She didn't think almost falling asleep into her plate of toast this morning counted, and if it did, she wasn't going to tell them.
Alison raised an almost disappointed eyebrow at her, "You know, you're a terrible liar."
She bristled at that, but by this time she was practically dead on her feet and too tired to bite back something along the lines of "Just because I didn't fake my death for two years…" Instead she just protested as strongly as she could (it came out horribly defeated, even to her own ears) "I'm an amazing liar."
"Well, then that shows just how tired you really are," Emily sighed, pushing her own coffee toward Spencer. "It goes against my better judgement, but you look like you could use it."
"Do you want me to take Lana for a couple hours while you and Toby get some sleep?" Aria asked concernedly, and Spencer almost spat out her coffee.
"No," She shook her head so violently she made herself slightly dizzy, because the thought of leaving Lana - even if it was only for a few hours - made her blood run cold in her veins. Over the last two weeks they'd learnt that Lana hated being alone, during the day she'd let Toby carry her around in his arms with her head nuzzled in his neck or curl up in Spencer's lap so she could be as close to them as possible. Last night they'd found her curled up asleep outside their bedroom door, too afraid to ask to come in. She'd been alone for a very long time, and now that she had two people who loved her with every piece of their hearts, she was terrified that they'd leave her. "She's not ready for that yet."
"Mommy!" Avery came running over, dark curls cascading behind her as she dove into Aria's arms. "Guess what?"
Aria pretended to have a think for a moment, making the little girl giggle, "I can't guess. What is it, Aves?"
"Lana's my new best friend!" She exclaimed proudly, grinning when everyone around her laughed. But, then her smile turned thoughtful, and eventually dropped as she turned her little head to face Spencer and asked in this innocent little voice, "But…Auntie Spencer? Why is Lana so sad?"
"Oh, honey…" She really didn't know what to say to that, how could she tell a girl as little as Avery what Lana had been through? "Lana's been through a lot, and she just needs a lot of love."
"I wish I could make her laugh." Avery sighed sadly, just as she felt one arm wrap around her shoulder. She looked up and a smile tugged at her lips as Toby pressed a kiss to them, Lana rested on his hip comfortably. "You always smile when Uncle Toby gives you a kiss…" Avery observed thoughtfully, and then that wide smile made an appearance as she exclaimed, "Hunter, kiss Lana!"
"What?" Toby and Hunter yelled at the same time, before Avery and everyone around her burst into giggles - all except Lana.
And maybe Lana didn't laugh, but for the first time, she smiled.
2nd September, 2023
Four weeks after they'd brought Lana home, they got a phone call from Spencer's sister asking them to bring Lana up to Philly so she could meet her new niece - but, there was just one problem with that. They would have to take the truck. They'd been trying to get her used to being in a car again for the last week, but the closest they'd got Lana into a car was the front seat, bundled in his lap, but the moment Spencer put the keys in the ignition and started the engine Lana screamed and begged for them to let her out.
It had been a year and a half since Lana's crash, and they knew that it was better for her to face her fears sooner rather than later. If they left it to later then her fear would be given more time to grow and make it that much harder for her in the future because one day she would inevitably have to go in a car again. But, it was so hard to see their daughter so scared. They were only going to drive around their almost empty street, but they'd got as far as starting the car and she was already on the verge of a panic attack.
"I don't wanna get hurt again!" She whimpered, sounding absolutely terrified as she squeezed her tear filled blue eyes tightly shut and buried her head in his shirt. Her hands gripped handfuls of his tear stained shirt like it was her lifeline. "Please. I don't wanna…I don't want you to get hurt like they did."
Spencer looked over at him with glistening brown eyes, blinking fast so they wouldn't spill. "Lana, honey," He stroked the back of her hair, something that they'd come to know made her feel better when she was scared or upset. "Your mom is the best driver that I know. Believe me, I wouldn't let her near the truck if she wasn't."
Usually, one of his lame jokes would be enough to make her smile. But, she just shuddered in his arms and whimpered, "I don't wanna lose you."
"You're never going to lose us," He promised her, and she lifted her head from his chest to look him in the eye. From what he read in hers, she was trying to decide whether she should believe him or not. "Have I ever lied to you, honey?" He asked, and she shook her head at him. "So do you believe me?"
She gave him a small nod, before burying her head in his shirt again. "Don't let me go."
"Never." He vowed before locking eyes with his wife, telling her silently to start the car. As the car slowly started moving at a speed that couldn't be any higher than five miles per hour, Lana gave a small soft shriek that he quickly hushed and started murmuring into her hair. And after about ten minutes of slow driving, her whimpers fell silent and she lifted her head. Then, she opened her eyes wide and watched the world fly past her through the window. He watched them fill with awe, like she couldn't believe she was really in the car again.
"I'm doing it," She cried out, and there was something different in her voice - it was happiness. "I'm really doing it, Mommy and Daddy!"
Mommy and Daddy. They'd been waiting so long to hear that, and looking over and seeing Spencer's face - seeing the happy tears spilling down from her sparkling brown eyes and into a smile that could rival the one on their wedding day, it made all that waiting worth it. "Yes, you are, honey," She laughed through her tears, "You really are."
And then, the most amazing thing happened. Lana laughed. It was the most amazing, beautiful sound and it was what made him sure that that hope they'd had all those years ago wasn't wasted - it just needed a little time. Just like Lana. One day, he knew that she would be so much more than okay.
May 31st, 2025
They'd been to the hospital before, of course.
Six years ago, when Hanna had brought two little boys into the world and sent Spencer and Toby into making a decision to start a family. Little did they know that their family was just a few hundred miles up in Philly, barely three months old and with no idea that although the people who brought her into the world would always be a part of her she'd never forget, they wouldn't be the people she called Mommy and Daddy at six years old. And, God, how she'd changed since they'd first brought her into their lives. Lana Cavanaugh wore a smile from the moment she woke up until the minute she went to sleep, she laughed, she sang and danced around the kitchen while they made breakfast together. She had made them into a family.
And today they were going to add a new member to their family.
They'd applied to adopt another child just eight months ago when that familiar broody feeling wrapped its way around her heart. And last night they'd received a call from the adoption agency saying there was a baby girl up in Woodbury for them. She'd been born with a cleft lip, and not many parents had been willing to take on a baby who would require surgery and had specific feeding needs. But, just like they were with Lana, they were. So this morning they'd got in the truck (after promising Lana that her Auntie Hanna would bring her up to the hospital later on today so she could meet her new baby sister) and they'd driven up to Woodbury hospital.
"We found her abandoned just outside the maternity ward," The social worker, Mrs Sherwood, told them as she led them to a small private area of the nursery where this baby girl awaits them. "No note or any indication of who she was or who gave birth to her. She's seriously malnourished…she didn't even have a blanket to keep her warm."
"Well, she's never going to feel abandoned again," Toby said firmly, squeezing her hand tightly. "She's got a family now."
Mrs Sherwood beamed at them, "I'm glad to hear that. Come on, she's just through here."
The room was small, sterile and smells strongly of hospital - and there she was, right in the middle of it in a plastic crib. And when she saw her for the first time, she feels that familiar overwhelming need to show her how much she's loved just like with Lana. The little girl was the tiniest baby that she has ever seen, with skin the colour of melted caramel and eyes the colour of dark chocolate, with curly jet black hair covering her head. The hole in her lip causes a lump to form in her throat, and she just wants to tell the little girl that it doesn't matter, they don't love her any less. Straight away she wants to bundle her daughter into her arms, hold her close to her chest then take her home where everything feels warm and safe and it's where her family belongs.
"She's beautiful," She breathed out, reaching down into the crib to touch her face, to make sure she's real. And then the little baby girl grabbed hold of her index finger with her tiny fist, like she knew who she was right away. A lifetime could've passed in the time they spent just looking at each other, until she managed to choke out, "Can I…can I hold her?"
The nurse nodded and reached out to pick the little girl up, but Spencer stopped her with a simple wave of her hand, "I've got her."
She's fits in the crook of her arms perfectly, soft, warm and light. She's vaguely aware of Toby wrapping his arms around her waist and resting his head on her shoulder, looking down at their daughter together. "Hey, little girl," He murmured softly, "Welcome to our family."
Six hours later, Lana was running down the hallway to the hospital clad in a pink summer dress with her curly pigtails flying behind her, with Hanna struggling to keep up in her five inch platform heels. "Hey, princess," Toby grinned when he saw his eldest daughter, catching her and twirling her around in his arms until she was giggling happily.
"I missed you, Daddy." She laughed, pecking a light kiss on his cheek as Hanna told them she was going to get some coffee and disappeared.
"I missed you too, honey." He said, placing her back down on the ground. "Are you ready to meet your new baby sister?"
Lana's smile fell slightly, and maybe Toby didn't see it, but Spencer sure did. "Hey, Tobes," She put one hand on his shoulder, "Why don't you go and we'll head in there in a minute?"
He raised an eyebrow slightly at her but she gave him that look that said trust me, so he nodded and with the promise to see them in a minute, he headed into the private area of the nursery to be with their youngest daughter. "C'mere, Lana Banana," She beckoned, picking Lana up and sitting down on one of the chairs in the waiting room. "Tell me what's up."
Lana's shoulders slumped slightly and she dropped her gaze to the floor so she didn't have to look at her, "It's nothing."
"It's not nothing, baby, I know that face," She pressed, tapping Lana's nose. "C'mon, you know you can tell me anything."
The little girl heaved a heavy sigh, "Are you still gonna love me now you've gotta new baby?"
She didn't know what she had been expecting, but it sure wasn't that. "What?" She stammered, "Of course we will, Lana. What made you think we wouldn't?"
"The new baby isn't like me," Lana shifted uncomfortably, "She's all perfect…she doesn't scream when she has nightmares or get scary panic attacks…she doesn't -"
"Lana Rose Cavanaugh, you look at me," She cut her off before Lana could say something else that would bring her that much closer to tears, taking a deep breath. "Before you, I'd been trying to have a baby for a very long time. Such a long time that I was beginning to lose hope that I would ever have one. But, then one day I got a call from the adoption agency telling me that there was a little girl who needed a family," She stroked Lana's cheek, "It was you, honey. And when I met you for the first time…I knew from the first moment that I saw you that you were meant to be my daughter. You gave me hope that I was going to be a mom, and at that time I didn't need anything more. So, if you ever doubt how much we love you, I want you to remember that."
There were tears in her eyes by the end of her little speech, and she let them spill when Lana threw her arms around her neck. "Thank you for giving me a family, Mommy. I love you."
"I love you too, baby." She whispered into her hair, getting her tears under control as she pulled away. "How about we go meet your new baby sister?"
Lana nodded a little nervously, before taking her hand and squeezing it tightly as she led her down the hallway to the room where the other half of their family were waiting for them. They found Toby rocking their little girl in his arms, singing quietly to her. Lana swallowed beside her, "Can I meet her?"
"Sure you can, honey," Toby grinned, crouching down so he was at Lana's height. "This is your baby sister."
"Hey, I'm Lana and…I'm your big sister." Lana smiled down at the tiny swaddled bundle, "I think you're going to like our Mommy and Daddy a lot, because...they're kinda the best people in the world. Daddy's really strong, he can pick me up with one hand, and he always has skittles in his pockets. Mommy gives the best cuddles in the world, and she bakes the best brownies too. But, what really makes them the best is that they never give up on you. No matter what. We're super lucky to have them."
She looked over at her husband, how he was looking down at their children with this beautiful smile on his face. She knew that ever since Toby had lost Marion, he hadn't really felt like he had a family, and it was this empty part of his heart that she alone couldn't fill. So, after they got married she made a promise to herself that one day she would give him a family again. So, when she found out there was a high chance she would never get pregnant, she was absolutely devastated. It wasn't until she met their little Lana that she realised she didn't need to get pregnant to have a family. There were children out there just like Toby who had lost family and were looking for another one, and she loved them more than anything.
Lana smiled up at them, "I know what her name should be."
"Oh?" Toby raised an eyebrow, and put one hand on her back. "And what should it be, Lana Banana?"
"Hope." She chimed firmly, "Because that's what we gave you and Mommy."
This was their family.
Thank you so much for reading, guys! I really hope you enjoyed! Please review!