Ah, yes, good. You've joined us. We were wondering if the muggles had held you up. No matter. Welcome to your new home away from home. This castle is called Hogwarts, one of the first - and best - institutions for the schooling of magical arts.
Let us move through here and into the Great Hall. Be careful, the staircases may move. Should you find yourself in an unexpected place due to this, find your way back. These are moving staircases, these are the least of your worries.
This is the Great Hall. There are four tables for students.
That one, the Green one is for Slytherin students. Most of them are of no specific importance.
The blinding blonde hair is Draco Malfoy. I suggest you avoid him. His father was a terrorist and himself a sympathizer to the organization's leader. He tried to keep it quiet so, naturally, the whole school knows. His mother was along for the ride. Marriage contracts may not be used anymore but they certainly left some people in uncomfortable situations. In any case, the terrorists were beaten back so he's rather sullen all the time. If he tries to kill you, pay it no mind. It's just an outlet for his angst, we all pretend not to notice so he's not embarrassed. He's rather horrible at succeeding. The students sitting next to him make him feel important but as a whole they are rather insignificant.
Do not go into the room next to that table. That is the Staff Lounge. You have no business in the Staff Lounge.
The next table is Yellow for the Hufflepuff students. As a whole, vicious rumor mongering little ones but they tend to care more about each other and nothing about anyone else. You see the red head. Yes, that one. She'll be very sad for the rest of her life, her closest friend died in that whole terrorist business. As did her parents when she was born. As did the Aunt that raised her. Susan Bones is a very sad girl.
No matter. Feel free to ask questions. Ask uncomfortable questions and you may be hexed. Ask the wrong questions and you may be hexed. It is not pleasant.
The Blue table is for the Ravenclaws. There is only one important one and it is again a Blonde. What a coincidence, is it not? Luna Lovegood is rather fuzzy in the head and she's lived her whole life never truly grieving for her mother. Of course, the whole family was rather odd. She'll talk to you about strange creatures you've never heard of and you will be certain they don't exist. They do. A Professor insulted her mother once and she summoned another dimension. It was all very Lovecraft in nature. No one insults her mother. But Luna Lovegood is a sweet girl with a large heart, if obsessed with her other world. You'll notice her earrings are radishes or other vegetables and her necklaces are different brands of soda bottle caps. She rotates them out every other Friday. Please compliment her on them.
The last table is the Red table for Gryffindors. That boy with the black hair - yes, very good! That one with the odd scar. That ole terrorist group has some sort of vendetta against him so he tends to get mixed up with trouble quite often. Please feel free to ignore his ravings about it. The red head, no not that one, the girl. Yes. She, Ginny Weasley, is in love with Harry Potter. Harry Potter is intrigued by Luna Lovegood who only vaguely registers Harry Potter as male. The bushy haired girl on the other side of him is Hermione Granger, who would die for Ginny's brother, Ronald Weasley. Ronald Weasley is interested in sports and his most recent girlfriend Lavender Brown who likes her roomate Parvati Patil a little too much to be ignored. Parvati Patil, in turn, find Draco Malfoy fascinating but Draco Malfoy sulks too much to notice.
That table is the staff table. If you have a complaint, don't make it. Don't listen to Headmaster Dumbledore, he's a bit old and senile. If he offers you a lemon drop candy, please take it. He finds joy in nothing but the comfort of sweet things.
These are your course books. You must intial your first name and write out your last name in the top right corner of each inside cover. This is a map. It does not change with the changing staircases. You have morning and afternoon classes. Lunch breaks are mandatorily taken in this Great Hall. Breaks between classes are a privilege. Privileges can be taken away at our discretion. This includes wandering into the grounds. The Forbidden Forest at the edge of the grounds is not actually Forbidden. If you enter it, you do so at your own risk. We cannot stop you and if we could, we would not. But we do not have to like it.
The staff is there to teach you but you must do your assignments accordingly without assistance. We have an extensive library. The library comes with a strict librarian. We think she will not die until she scares the last student out of eating or drinking near her books. She can be overprotective.
The staff is not here to coddle you. The staff is here to insure you survive. The medical wing is proficient at healing anything but death.
Welcome to Hogwarts.