The Vexing Visit
A Once Upon a Time and Series of Unfortunate Events Crossover
Cora checks into the Hotel Denouement in search of the perfect wedding present to send to Snow White and Prince Charming.
Author's Note: This is an unusual idea I have been toying with for some time, and I finally put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard). This story is set during The Penultimate Peril and before Snow White and Prince Charming's wedding in the pilot episode of Once.
"Room 130, ma'am," said the green-clad concierge. "I hope you will find it to your liking."
"I'm sure that I will. That will be all for now." Cora closed the door on the man, who had been hovering expectantly, no doubt waiting for a gratuity.
Cora looked at the full-length mirror opposite the bed and realized what she thought was a simple black gown seemed a bit formal in this world. However, the portal she had managed to open to this world was only temporary, and would last for twelve hours, and she didn't want to waste time rushing back to change. Oh, the inconveniences of a land without magic.
Through her looking glass in her palace in Wonderland, she had witnessed her daughter's sleeping curse being broken by Prince Charming's true love's kiss. She had seen Rumplestiltskin trick her daughter so that she could no longer physically harm Snow White. The wedding was to take place in three days' time, and Cora knew that she had to do something to prevent the legitimizing of Snow as the ruler. As much as she and Regina had been at odds, her family pride compelled her to act, which is what brought her to this world, where she heard tell of the perfect way to show the Charmings her true feelings.
Cora placed her dark brown suitcase on the bed and exited the room. She knew that what she sought was in this hotel, but she had no idea where to look. She walked down the corridor to the magical ascending and descending box that brought her here in the first place. She stepped inside despite not understanding how to operate the device, and the doors shut behind her. She contemplated her situation for a few second before she felt the box begin to rattle and descend. The doors shortly reopened to show a tall man wearing a neat suit whose arms and legs seemed to stick out at odd angles. He offered an unfathomable smile.
"Good day, ma'am. Can I be of any assistance?"
"I am in search of…" Cora deemed it unwise to be specific about what she was looking for, "…a wedding present for an estranged relative."
The man nodded, narrowing his eyes slightly. "We have an excellent selection of family gifts the store in room 172. If you wish to send flowers, there is an excellent greenhouse in room 580. If you are not sure what to send, our etiquette specialist in room 395 may have a few helpful suggestions."
"I think that flowers are nearest to what I am thinking of," Cora said, smiling unfathomably.
The man gave her an equally unfathomable smile. "Flowers often enjoy sunlight. Perhaps you should visit our rooftop sunbathing salon later on."
"I'll keep that in mind," Cora said.
"Room 580 is on the third floor," said the man, stepping inside and pressing a circular tile labeled, "5." "I hope you find what you are looking for."
Cora nodded demurely to the man as he turned and walked away. The doors closed, and she felt herself moving upwards. The doors opened, and Cora stepped into a hallway. A sign towards the ceiling told her that rooms 550-599 were to her right, so she proceeded in that direction. Before long, she arrived at room 580, where a gold plaque read, Flower Shop. Cora quietly entered The Room.
The room was paneled like a greenhouse, but Cora was surprised at how cold it felt in the room. The flowers clearly felt it too, as it appeared many of them were wilting. She was distracted from her observations as a tall man with long, dark hair wearing sunglasses and a black overcoat all but pushed past her.
"Hi," he said loudly.
"Can I help you?" said the woman behind the counter in a low, deep voice. Cora noticed that she was one of two people manning the shop, though the other had their back turned. On the counter, there was an aged pug who looked very drowsy. His ears perked up at the patron.
"Yeah. Can I have a dozen red roses, please?" the man asked in an unfathomable accent.
"Oh, hi, Johnny," the woman replied, looking intently at her customer. "I didn't know it was you." As if on cue, or by some prearranged code, the man behind her turned around. Cora noted that he had no hair on his head except for a long, but bushy beard. "Here you go," he said in a high, scratchy voice. He handed the bouquet to the man in the black coat.
"That's me," Johnny said, lowering his sunglasses. "How much is it?"
"It'll be eighteen dollars," said the woman.
From his coat, the man produced an envelope marked, Johnny, Verifiable Financial Dabbler. Cora thought it was odd that this Johnny had asked for a price while already having a sealed envelope with the payment. "Here you go. Keep the change. Hi, doggie." He patted the decrepit pug on the top of its head.
The man with the beard opened the envelope and looked through the bills. His eyes flashed with a sinister understanding. "You're my favorite customer," he called hoarsely after Johnny, who lingered for a second, smiling unfathomably.
"Thanks a lot. Bye." Johnny exited the room.
"Bye-bye!" the woman called after him.
Cora wondered if what she had just witnessed made logical sense to anyone, but the man and woman behind the counter seemed to be muttering each other.
"Mr. Tamerlane sends word that our associates will be here on Thursday," the man muttered.
"Excuse me," Cora said, stepping towards the counter. The duo whirled in her direction, clearly not having noticed Cora before now. "I can't seem to help but notice that your flowers are wilting somewhat. It's rather cold in here." She felt even colder as she approached the man and woman. "You should really get a fire going in here."
The man and woman exchanged a small, sinister glance. "I didn't realize this was a sad occasion," the woman said, looking intently at her.
"Oh, hardly. I am looking for something of a plant to send as a wedding gift to an estranged relative." Something about these two told Cora that they were very perceptive, so she raised her eyebrows significantly.
The three were disrupted when the hotel's loud clock sounded a resounding Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!
"Something of a plant?" the man asked. "This is hardly the best place to search for plants. The hotel recently had a malfunction with the heating system in this room. It is not the best thing for the flowers, as you can see."
"It's a far better environment for many types of fungus to thrive, cold and damp as it is," the woman added.
Cora felt like she was finally getting somewhere. "Perhaps fungus would be a better choice for my estranged relatives. Such a painful past, but I really must make a mark at their wedding."
"Sounds like a vicious familial dilemma," said the man.
"You have no idea," Cora chuckled darkly. "It's been quite the schism for nearly fifteen years. I'm seeking to end it once and for all."
The woman sneered. "I don't think we have what you're looking for, damp and cold as it may be."
"But a glorious day like this should not be wasted," the man added. "You should be spending your time at the rooftop sunbathing salon. You're hardly dressed for it, but it's easier to find what we are looking for when we start at the top."
"Best of luck to you," said the woman, patting the pug's head.
"Many thanks," Cora replied.
Esmé Squalor was finally back in the glamorous world where she belonged. Olaf's schemes had dragged her from the Hinterlands to the bottom of the sea, and she was relieved to be in the lap of luxury once more. She looked up from her copy of the Daily Punctilio to observe her surroundings. Carmelita was entertaining herself with her newly acquired harpoon gun on her boat in the pool, and there was a middle-aged woman in a black gown sitting in a dress nearby.
The appearance of the woman filled Esmé with terror. Are formal gowns on a rooftop sunbathing salon in? Could I have missed something that crucial? Almost immediately, the thought subsided. Ridiculous! There's no way I could be out. Still, the woman's presence was puzzling. She seemed to be looking around intently. Fearing interference from those pesky volunteers, Esmé stood and walked towards her.
"You're hardly dressed for sunbathing," Esmé sneered.
The woman smirked at her. "I don't own anything for sunbathing. A waste of time, in my mind. So many important things to be done."
"I am the city's sixth most important financial advisor, and I make time!"
The woman laughed. "My dear, I can't imagine being satisfied at being sixth most at anything!"
Esmé was ready to harpoon her just for that. However, Carmelita had the harpoon gun, and she was impressed (against her will) that anyone staying at the Hotel Denouement was not impressed with her fame and status. Those volunteers were not interested in self-importance, so she felt safe with this one. She sat down next to her. "My name is Esmé Gigi Genevieve Squalor."
"My name is Cora," the woman responded, offering a slight smile. "What brings you to this place?"
"Something was taken from me a long time ago, and I'm here to get it back," Esmé said carefully.
"Sounds like quite a story," Cora responded. "I'm looking for something too. A wedding present for… shall we say a step-granddaughter?"
Esmé frowned. "A hotel isn't a very in place to find a wedding present."
Cora raised her eyebrows. "Unless the perfect gift is in the hotel. I had no luck in the flower shop."
"You're looking for flowers?" Esmé narrowed her eyes. "Or something sweeter?"y
"Oh, hardly sweet," Cora replied, noticing that Esmé visibly relaxed. "Perhaps you could help me, Esmé. How much do you know about mushrooms?"
Esme's eyes shot over towards the pool and shot back. "Depends on the mushroom."
"Can I trust you?" Cora asked. "You seem important enough to keep a secret."
Esmé's desire for adulation overpowered her. "What do you need?"
Cora leaned in closer. "This step-granddaughter who is getting married has humiliated my daughter and tarnished the honor of my family. I have big plans for her wedding celebration. I need to show the kingdom what happens when you oppose my family."
Esmé giggled with fiendish glee. "Oh, my boyfriend and I are planning a cocktail party of our own. Revenge is always a dish best served cold. I have the mushroom you are looking for, but in exchange, I need you to help me."
Cora groaned inwardly. If she had her magic, this conversation would be over. She would take Esmé's heart and command her to reveal the location of the Medusoid Mycelium. She hated being reduced to petty bartering and the exchange of favors.
"That item I am searching for?" Esmé began instructively, "It's a sugar bowl. It has eluded me for a long time, and it's almost in my grasp, but it won't be possible until very late tonight. Help me to obtain my sugar bowl, and I will give you a sample of the Medusoid Mycelium. That is what you are searching for, right?"
Cora knew that her portal would not stay open that long, and there was no way that she was going to live out her days in this dreary city surrounded by the likes of Esmé Gigi Genevieve Squalor.
"I am going to be leaving shortly. I will not be here late enough to help you. Is there any other way that I can obtain the Mycelium?"
Esmé stood. "You won't be going anywhere. We're in this together now. Unless you've been tricking me this whole time."
Cora rolled her eyes. "I don't have time to trick such a ridiculous person as yourself. I'm on a tight schedule. If you will excuse me," she rose up and walked towards the elevator.
Esmé hurried towards her sunbathing chair and fished a walkie-talkie from the left pocket of her robe.
Cora opened the suitcase on her bed and pulled out a glass phial filled with sparkling powder. She placed the phial in the pocket of her gown before closing the suitcase again. This attempt had failed spectacularly. She didn't have the Medusoid Mycelium, and she needed to leave before she heard from that Esmé again. She knew from experience that ambition often lead to violence, and she wasn't interested in being attacked in a land without magic.
Locking the door of room 130 and started down the hallway to (what she had now heard several times referred to as an) elevator. When the elevator doors opened, Johnny, the man from the flower shop on the fifth floor, was already inside. Cora cautiously entered.
"Hi babe! Where in the wurrold are you going?" Johnny asked in his strange accent.
"I'm leaving," Cora said.
Johnny pressed a button labeled, "B." B is for bottom, Cora thought.
The elevator opened onto a dimly lit corridor which was not the bustling lobby.
"Well, well, well," said Johnny in quite a different voice. "You thought you could spy on Esmé and I and get away with it?"
Cora frowned and crossed her arms impatiently. "Forgive me, but I have no idea who you are, and I don't have time for this nonsense."
"Oh, really," Johnny laughed sinisterly. He reached up and pulled the long, dark wig and sunglasses from his head. He was balding at the top of his head, though his grey locks still grew on the sides, turning upwards not unlike horns. He had one long eyebrow and shiny, malevolent eyes.
"I think you have me mistaken for someone else," Cora chuckled. She was a bit impressed at how these lesser beings disguised themselves without transformation spells. "I am a stranger passing through. I really have no idea who you are."
"Johnny's" bravado faded. "Not know Count Olaf? My skills as an actor have been mentioned favorably in several small newspapers."
"How nice for you. I really must be getting back though. I didn't want to have to do this, but let's speed this process along."
Cora reached into her pocket and withdrew the phial.
"I don't suppose that's sugar," Count Olaf said. "My girlfriend is looking for a sugar bowl."
"Girlfriend?" Cora laughed. "How miserable for both of you!" She sprinkled some powder onto her hand and quickly blew it at Olaf. His eyes grew unfocused for a moment.
"What am I doing down here?"
"You were just showing me to the exit, Olaf," Cora said in a kind voice.
"Oh, yes…" he muttered, rubbing his head. He walked past her and summoned the elevator. They stepped inside and the elevator moved upwards. "Who are you again?"
"I'm your old friend Cora from out of town. I have to get home."
"Right," Olaf nodded. They reached the bustling lobby, and he led her forwards towards the exit.
"Darling!" came a voice from his pocket. He withdrew a small walkie talkie.
"Yes?" he inquired.
"Did you get her?"
"Yes, I'm taking her out right now," Olaf replied.
"It's about time!"
They had reached the door. Olaf put the walkie talkie back into the pocket of his "Johnny" coat.
Cora made ready to return to the portal she made by the sea, but she turned around. "Olaf, a word of advice before I leave."
"Oh?" Olaf asked, still somewhat suggestible from her magic powder.
"From what I gather, you are involved in something of a schism? When you're involved in a long and bloody feud (as am I), it pays to avoid useless entanglements. You should break up with Esmé. You don't need to be encumbered by love."
"Love?" Olaf asked, looking suddenly incredulous.
"Yes," Cora replied. "A word which here means, "weakness." Goodbye, Olaf."
She quickly walked away without another word.
"Olaf!" came the walkie-talkie from his pocket. "Get up here! You promised our Carmelita you would teach her to spit!"
Count Olaf looked around and wondered why he had ventured outside.
"Olaf!" Esmé shouted again.
"Coming, my love," Olaf replied, reentering the Hotel Denouement.
Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed this villainous fanfiction diversion. If so, please favorite and review!