Spoiler Notes: This is after book five so expect spoilers from it.
Summary: Lupin is sent on Order business to help counsel someone, only he isn't in the mood for helping out people much anymore, and he has a lot of other things on his mind.
Relationship notes: There are no relationships in this fic. PALEAZE. I'm not doing that this time around, this is humor. Bad humor, but humor.
Disclaimer: The most important part. I do not own any of the characters/settings written in the fic and I do not profit from it in anyway. The joy of writing is my payment. ^^
Author's notes: moved to the bottom, because it gives away to much of the plot thinge'.
---
What it Fears
Remus Lupin sat by the window in the empty classroom. Everything about his old classroom made him cringe. It seemed to be stripped of its former glory, it's more dangerous edge. It seemed like a muggle classroom.
That's right, he was stuck in a muggle classroom, for what? Order business. He was particularly in the mood for Order business, but it was the only business he had anyway. He didn't quite believe it when Dumbledore said he was the only one in the order cut-out for the job either. He barely knew what he was supposed to do.
No he did, he was supposed to council someone on their phobia. How fun. It was rather coincidental that right after that Mrs. Weasley had a run in with yet another boggart and he was sent up to comfort her. That seemed to have officially sealed his fate for the day. Where was Arthur when he wife was in trouble? No, that wasn't a nice thing to think about. It was nice helping people, but it got a bit repetitive after awhile.
By the time he heard footsteps he was already contemplating what he would do by the time he got out of the place. Go write that letter to Harry, he should have done that the morning before, simple slipped his mind. Yes, that was his other o' so important job, writing to Harry. Once again for psychological reasons.
"You're the only one who can relate with him." That's what Tonks had said, through sobs. It was funny how everyone seemed to think that he was 'the only one' to do anything. No, not funny, quite annoying.
"Professor Lupin? She'll be a moment, she's having a bit of trouble, mentally, right now." Lupin couldn't help but notice how hard Madam Pomfrey was trying to suppress a smile. Nice lady, really.
Madam Pomfrey left and Lupin was alone again, trapped in the silence of the empty classroom. The werewolf quickly began thinking of who he could possibly be 'helping'. Worst-case scenario, Snape, dealing with the loss of his bully; oh how joyous. Best case.? Maybe Flitwick, trying to cope with his height problem. No, that wasn't very nice either.
"I assure you, I'm not doing anything harmful. Nothing intentional either. It's a could thing your getting this counseling, or else you might be paranoid like this for the rest of your life." Lupin strained to listen. His patient was coming, oh joy. Someone was making clopping sounds, how annoying.
"Here you go Dolores. You're very own psychiatrist. Special for today, free of charge." McGonagall chirped, opening the door. "Wait here." the prim professor shut the door before Lupin could see who it was, not like he was trying to or anything. McGonagall walked briskly across the classroom towards Lupin, looking rather cheery, especially for her. "It's nice to see you Remus." She said holding out her hand. Lupin sat up and shook it. Best put on the cheery act as well, here it goes.
"Nice to see you as well Professor." He said with a smile.
"I trust you know why you're here, or at least some of it?" McGonagall asked, bouncing a bit on the balls of her feet. The move reminded Lupin of Dumbledore. Whatever was coming up it was good enough to amuse McGonagall. Must have been really good.
"I'm here to counsel someone."
"Ah yes, and I've come to tell you about what. You see. one of our.let's say previous, because their most certainly not coming back next year, teacher's has a phobia about well." McGonagall cleared her through and leaned forward. "Half-breads."
Lupin felt like rolling his eyes. He didn't much care for the term 'half-bread' but there wasn't really much else to call them. Half-human didn't sound very kindly, nor did half-beast. Oh, charming, he had to add that last one to his list of possible insults.
Lupin nodded, putting on his most understanding expression.
"Now before you rush off when she comes in." Lupin chuckled, but it sounded rather harsh to be a chuckle. "Or tell her that you are indeed a werewolf, I need you to understand that this is a counseling. Help her. err... embrace her problem."
"Not embrace me I hope." Lupin blabbed. Charming, he would be such a great shrink.
McGonagall laughed this time. "No, I don't think you'll get that far. Just refrain from naming yourself, or at least hold that till the end, alright?"
"Sounds rather devious to me." Lupin said thoughtfully.
McGonagall laughed again. "I suppose it is." She said with a thin smile. Lupin looked at her questionably, but she didn't seem to notice, as she was already at the door. "You can come in now Dolores!" she called in a semi-sing-song voice.
Dolores, what professor has that name.?
Oh look it's a frog. No wait, that's your patient you idiot.
Lupin stared, rather shocked. Dolores Umbridge, mizz high official herself. How.coincidental this seemed to be. Before he knew he Lupin was already set in the polite act, standing up to shake the fro- woman's hand. "Dolores Umbridge, a pleasure to meet you." He said holding his hand out. Be nice, he had to keep telling himself. No picking on the mentally damaged ones, it's not right, or is it.?
Umbridge paused and looked him over. Well, if he was going to be inspected before true impressions were made this meeting wasn't going to go well at all. "I'm sure." She said shaking his hand lightly, then pulling away.
"Sorry, my hands are rather rough." Lupin said holding them up sheepishly. That was true, and it wasn't too obvious. He had been stuck with cleaning duties for the past few weeks. Mrs. Weasley said it would prevent him from trying to do something stupid, like hanging himself. Or seeking out old friends. Or stabbing himself with anything silver. How charming.
"And you are.?" the frog woman asked mildly, still observing the dreadful state of his robes.
Lupin decided to pull out a true sap shrink card, fast. "That doesn't matter Dolores, may I call you Dolores? What matters is, who are you?" Lupin mentally swore by Merlin's wand that he would never utter those words ever again, unless he was joking, or he absolutely had to. He could have come up with something far better then that. That was just corny.
But the frog seemed to have taken it in as something a shrink would say. How interesting. "Well, I suppose." she said sitting down. "We could start there."
Lupin looked up at the ceiling, trying concentrate hard on not bursting out in laughter. He tried to remember what those counselors that Tonks listened to on the radio always said. Or the one's he had to go to, but he supposed that those weren't of much use in this case. "What triggered your fear of-"
"Half-breads?" Wow. Feel like being discreet today, do we?
"Let's think of a nicer way to put it." Lupin said slowly. What was the nicer way to put it? Wasn't he trying to think of a way earlier? "Like halflings." Oh this was getting terrible. He was calling himself a halfling. Wasn't that a hobbit? Like she'd know, moving on!
"A-alright."
"So. is there anything you can remember that might have started your fear of halflings?" If he had to say that one more time.
"I suppose it was my childhood really." Now he was going to have to hear a life story, please, by Merlin, make it quick. "I lived by the Forbidden Forest, you see, and we had a lot of encounters with. halfings." she said with slight disdain.
No surprises there, it seemed like it would be a likely root. Now he was waiting for a chase. Something like his own when he was bitten, only she obviously wasn't bitten by a werewolf. "I see." On the other hand he could have gone into self-hatred. Wasn't that like what Voldemort did? How nice, comparing himself to the dark-wizard who killed one of his best friends. "I understand completely, I lived by the forest myself when I was a child-" before I got bitten. "-And there was many frightening stories drilled into our heads about halflings." He couldn't believe he managed to say that again without snorting.
"Yes there were many strange tales about those werewolf's." Hi, my name is Remus Lupin, and I'm a werewolf. "But what really frightened me was when my cousin was.half-eaten by one." Oh? So was it the upper half, or the lower half, because I always find the upper half to be more tasty. "He survived." That answers my question, lower half it was. "But after that he changed." Into a werewolf, yes that sort of thing happens. "Didn't come out in public anymore." Can't imagine why. "Didn't like to see us as much." I wouldn't want to see you period. "And after that my family started to really understand how terrible those things were." Why thank you. "And I suppose that's the root of it."
It sounded to Lupin like she could have easily cured herself if she tried, but that wasn't on her to-do list. No, torturing Harry and bashing down Hogwarts professors was number one on the scroll for this woman. Mental health comes next, thank you very much. "Well. That sounds very traumatizing." Would you like to see my scar? I know it's not much compared to your cousin's, but it's in the shape of a nice crescent moon, oh the coincidences! "But why would you hate all halflings because of this? This can't be the only reason." Lupin didn't really care if it was the only reason or not, in fact he'd rather it was. But he was there to help, and the nicety mode of him was taking over the job.
"No.I think there was another incident. With centaurs." Oh damn, now he didn't have to hear insults about himself, what a shame. "When I was five I was wandering around in the forest collecting flowers." Haven't you heard the tale of Persephone and the persimmons? "When this shadow came over me." Scary.whoooo. "It was a male, and he was holding this dreadful looking spear. It was all bloody, and he had the most ravaged look on his face." Lupin placed his hand on her shoulders sympathetically, though he was really fighting the urge to just lean on her for support while he went into fits of laughter. "He told me to get out, that I was being terrible for ruining nature." And he was right! Filthy human! "Then he chased me out." Just leading her out no doubt. "And told me to never take away from nature again." This woman was the stupidest.
"There there, it's alright." Lupin said, sitting back on one of the desks again and handing her his handkerchief. He prayed she wouldn't give it back to him, especially after she blew her nose. But she did. And Lupin scored when he threw it in the basket, it's soggy contents scattering over the room. Filch will take care of that, nasty caretaker.
There was a knock at the door. Lupin got up to get it since the frog didn't feel she was in the state to move. "Times up for today Lupin, you've got more business." McGonagall said briskly. "Sorry, Dolores." She said in the most sympathetic tone she could muster.
Umbridge was instantly composed and snappish once more. It was a miracle what Lupin's handkerchiefs could do to a person's emotional conditions. "That's quite alright Minerva. Same time next week Mr.?"
"Right, next week." Lupin said with a cheery smile. He hoped by then he could find someone else to do it for him.
End Note: Hmm. Not sure if I can continue this one. I don't think I have enough humor in me right now. I hope you enjoyed it. Please review, I hardly get any and it's nice to see what you think of it, even if you think it's absolute crap.
Author's Notes: I wanted to do a fic with Lupin meeting with Umbridge because she deserves to be shaken up a bit, evil toad. I also wanted to add Firenze [sp?] but maybe I should add that later. If there is a later that is.
Summary: Lupin is sent on Order business to help counsel someone, only he isn't in the mood for helping out people much anymore, and he has a lot of other things on his mind.
Relationship notes: There are no relationships in this fic. PALEAZE. I'm not doing that this time around, this is humor. Bad humor, but humor.
Disclaimer: The most important part. I do not own any of the characters/settings written in the fic and I do not profit from it in anyway. The joy of writing is my payment. ^^
Author's notes: moved to the bottom, because it gives away to much of the plot thinge'.
---
What it Fears
Remus Lupin sat by the window in the empty classroom. Everything about his old classroom made him cringe. It seemed to be stripped of its former glory, it's more dangerous edge. It seemed like a muggle classroom.
That's right, he was stuck in a muggle classroom, for what? Order business. He was particularly in the mood for Order business, but it was the only business he had anyway. He didn't quite believe it when Dumbledore said he was the only one in the order cut-out for the job either. He barely knew what he was supposed to do.
No he did, he was supposed to council someone on their phobia. How fun. It was rather coincidental that right after that Mrs. Weasley had a run in with yet another boggart and he was sent up to comfort her. That seemed to have officially sealed his fate for the day. Where was Arthur when he wife was in trouble? No, that wasn't a nice thing to think about. It was nice helping people, but it got a bit repetitive after awhile.
By the time he heard footsteps he was already contemplating what he would do by the time he got out of the place. Go write that letter to Harry, he should have done that the morning before, simple slipped his mind. Yes, that was his other o' so important job, writing to Harry. Once again for psychological reasons.
"You're the only one who can relate with him." That's what Tonks had said, through sobs. It was funny how everyone seemed to think that he was 'the only one' to do anything. No, not funny, quite annoying.
"Professor Lupin? She'll be a moment, she's having a bit of trouble, mentally, right now." Lupin couldn't help but notice how hard Madam Pomfrey was trying to suppress a smile. Nice lady, really.
Madam Pomfrey left and Lupin was alone again, trapped in the silence of the empty classroom. The werewolf quickly began thinking of who he could possibly be 'helping'. Worst-case scenario, Snape, dealing with the loss of his bully; oh how joyous. Best case.? Maybe Flitwick, trying to cope with his height problem. No, that wasn't very nice either.
"I assure you, I'm not doing anything harmful. Nothing intentional either. It's a could thing your getting this counseling, or else you might be paranoid like this for the rest of your life." Lupin strained to listen. His patient was coming, oh joy. Someone was making clopping sounds, how annoying.
"Here you go Dolores. You're very own psychiatrist. Special for today, free of charge." McGonagall chirped, opening the door. "Wait here." the prim professor shut the door before Lupin could see who it was, not like he was trying to or anything. McGonagall walked briskly across the classroom towards Lupin, looking rather cheery, especially for her. "It's nice to see you Remus." She said holding out her hand. Lupin sat up and shook it. Best put on the cheery act as well, here it goes.
"Nice to see you as well Professor." He said with a smile.
"I trust you know why you're here, or at least some of it?" McGonagall asked, bouncing a bit on the balls of her feet. The move reminded Lupin of Dumbledore. Whatever was coming up it was good enough to amuse McGonagall. Must have been really good.
"I'm here to counsel someone."
"Ah yes, and I've come to tell you about what. You see. one of our.let's say previous, because their most certainly not coming back next year, teacher's has a phobia about well." McGonagall cleared her through and leaned forward. "Half-breads."
Lupin felt like rolling his eyes. He didn't much care for the term 'half-bread' but there wasn't really much else to call them. Half-human didn't sound very kindly, nor did half-beast. Oh, charming, he had to add that last one to his list of possible insults.
Lupin nodded, putting on his most understanding expression.
"Now before you rush off when she comes in." Lupin chuckled, but it sounded rather harsh to be a chuckle. "Or tell her that you are indeed a werewolf, I need you to understand that this is a counseling. Help her. err... embrace her problem."
"Not embrace me I hope." Lupin blabbed. Charming, he would be such a great shrink.
McGonagall laughed this time. "No, I don't think you'll get that far. Just refrain from naming yourself, or at least hold that till the end, alright?"
"Sounds rather devious to me." Lupin said thoughtfully.
McGonagall laughed again. "I suppose it is." She said with a thin smile. Lupin looked at her questionably, but she didn't seem to notice, as she was already at the door. "You can come in now Dolores!" she called in a semi-sing-song voice.
Dolores, what professor has that name.?
Oh look it's a frog. No wait, that's your patient you idiot.
Lupin stared, rather shocked. Dolores Umbridge, mizz high official herself. How.coincidental this seemed to be. Before he knew he Lupin was already set in the polite act, standing up to shake the fro- woman's hand. "Dolores Umbridge, a pleasure to meet you." He said holding his hand out. Be nice, he had to keep telling himself. No picking on the mentally damaged ones, it's not right, or is it.?
Umbridge paused and looked him over. Well, if he was going to be inspected before true impressions were made this meeting wasn't going to go well at all. "I'm sure." She said shaking his hand lightly, then pulling away.
"Sorry, my hands are rather rough." Lupin said holding them up sheepishly. That was true, and it wasn't too obvious. He had been stuck with cleaning duties for the past few weeks. Mrs. Weasley said it would prevent him from trying to do something stupid, like hanging himself. Or seeking out old friends. Or stabbing himself with anything silver. How charming.
"And you are.?" the frog woman asked mildly, still observing the dreadful state of his robes.
Lupin decided to pull out a true sap shrink card, fast. "That doesn't matter Dolores, may I call you Dolores? What matters is, who are you?" Lupin mentally swore by Merlin's wand that he would never utter those words ever again, unless he was joking, or he absolutely had to. He could have come up with something far better then that. That was just corny.
But the frog seemed to have taken it in as something a shrink would say. How interesting. "Well, I suppose." she said sitting down. "We could start there."
Lupin looked up at the ceiling, trying concentrate hard on not bursting out in laughter. He tried to remember what those counselors that Tonks listened to on the radio always said. Or the one's he had to go to, but he supposed that those weren't of much use in this case. "What triggered your fear of-"
"Half-breads?" Wow. Feel like being discreet today, do we?
"Let's think of a nicer way to put it." Lupin said slowly. What was the nicer way to put it? Wasn't he trying to think of a way earlier? "Like halflings." Oh this was getting terrible. He was calling himself a halfling. Wasn't that a hobbit? Like she'd know, moving on!
"A-alright."
"So. is there anything you can remember that might have started your fear of halflings?" If he had to say that one more time.
"I suppose it was my childhood really." Now he was going to have to hear a life story, please, by Merlin, make it quick. "I lived by the Forbidden Forest, you see, and we had a lot of encounters with. halfings." she said with slight disdain.
No surprises there, it seemed like it would be a likely root. Now he was waiting for a chase. Something like his own when he was bitten, only she obviously wasn't bitten by a werewolf. "I see." On the other hand he could have gone into self-hatred. Wasn't that like what Voldemort did? How nice, comparing himself to the dark-wizard who killed one of his best friends. "I understand completely, I lived by the forest myself when I was a child-" before I got bitten. "-And there was many frightening stories drilled into our heads about halflings." He couldn't believe he managed to say that again without snorting.
"Yes there were many strange tales about those werewolf's." Hi, my name is Remus Lupin, and I'm a werewolf. "But what really frightened me was when my cousin was.half-eaten by one." Oh? So was it the upper half, or the lower half, because I always find the upper half to be more tasty. "He survived." That answers my question, lower half it was. "But after that he changed." Into a werewolf, yes that sort of thing happens. "Didn't come out in public anymore." Can't imagine why. "Didn't like to see us as much." I wouldn't want to see you period. "And after that my family started to really understand how terrible those things were." Why thank you. "And I suppose that's the root of it."
It sounded to Lupin like she could have easily cured herself if she tried, but that wasn't on her to-do list. No, torturing Harry and bashing down Hogwarts professors was number one on the scroll for this woman. Mental health comes next, thank you very much. "Well. That sounds very traumatizing." Would you like to see my scar? I know it's not much compared to your cousin's, but it's in the shape of a nice crescent moon, oh the coincidences! "But why would you hate all halflings because of this? This can't be the only reason." Lupin didn't really care if it was the only reason or not, in fact he'd rather it was. But he was there to help, and the nicety mode of him was taking over the job.
"No.I think there was another incident. With centaurs." Oh damn, now he didn't have to hear insults about himself, what a shame. "When I was five I was wandering around in the forest collecting flowers." Haven't you heard the tale of Persephone and the persimmons? "When this shadow came over me." Scary.whoooo. "It was a male, and he was holding this dreadful looking spear. It was all bloody, and he had the most ravaged look on his face." Lupin placed his hand on her shoulders sympathetically, though he was really fighting the urge to just lean on her for support while he went into fits of laughter. "He told me to get out, that I was being terrible for ruining nature." And he was right! Filthy human! "Then he chased me out." Just leading her out no doubt. "And told me to never take away from nature again." This woman was the stupidest.
"There there, it's alright." Lupin said, sitting back on one of the desks again and handing her his handkerchief. He prayed she wouldn't give it back to him, especially after she blew her nose. But she did. And Lupin scored when he threw it in the basket, it's soggy contents scattering over the room. Filch will take care of that, nasty caretaker.
There was a knock at the door. Lupin got up to get it since the frog didn't feel she was in the state to move. "Times up for today Lupin, you've got more business." McGonagall said briskly. "Sorry, Dolores." She said in the most sympathetic tone she could muster.
Umbridge was instantly composed and snappish once more. It was a miracle what Lupin's handkerchiefs could do to a person's emotional conditions. "That's quite alright Minerva. Same time next week Mr.?"
"Right, next week." Lupin said with a cheery smile. He hoped by then he could find someone else to do it for him.
End Note: Hmm. Not sure if I can continue this one. I don't think I have enough humor in me right now. I hope you enjoyed it. Please review, I hardly get any and it's nice to see what you think of it, even if you think it's absolute crap.
Author's Notes: I wanted to do a fic with Lupin meeting with Umbridge because she deserves to be shaken up a bit, evil toad. I also wanted to add Firenze [sp?] but maybe I should add that later. If there is a later that is.