Disclaimer: Anything you recognize belongs to J.K. Rowling.
Driving Lessons
"Why are you wearing a helmet?"
It was a normal Sunday for Ronald Weasley as he stared at Dean Thomas with a confused look.
Dean tapped the top of his pink helmet with flowers and shrugged.
"Harry here advised me to. He said it was and I quote, 'For my own good.' He plopped it right on my head with a sticking charm."
Ron rolled his eyes and then looked at Harry who was grinning sheepishly.
"That's what friends are for."
Ron growled. Harry was so dramatic. He trusted Ron to practically save the entire wizard community, no, the world, but when it came to a silly car Harry got nervous. As Ron remembered very clearly his excellent driving skills saved Harry years ago. His future brother-in-law could be so ungrateful.
"We're in an empty parking lot. What can go wrong?"
Harry whistled in response and patted Dean on the back. He warned him. Oh, Harry had warned him for over an hour what it would be like teaching Ron how to drive. Really, Harry should have gone to the DMV himself and put up a picture of Ron, telling them all to automatically deny him his license but Harry was not going to waste his time. When Ron wanted to do something he had to do it.
It didn't help that Hermione was backing the idea. Ron get his license? Lovely! They could travel the world with their currently nonexistent children. He could experience what it was like to live like a Muggle.
Dean felt uneasy at Ron's question. How he got into himself in this situation, he did not know.
"Are you going to ride with us?" Ron asked Harry hopefully.
"I'm here for moral support. I will support you from far away. Far, far away from sidewalks and streets and maybe buildings. I might have to climb a tree for safety."
Dean gulped nervously and Ron grumbled.
"I'll show you, you'll be begging me to drive you places. Like the cinema and…"
Dean cut him off and grabbed Ron's shoulder.
"Let's just get started. Did you read the drivers manual I gave you?"
Ron said nothing as they walked over to Dean's car. It was blue with a few dents and scratches in the paint. Ron didn't know anything about the make or the model. He opened the driver's door and sat down in the seat trying to make himself comfortable.
On the dashboard, there was a plastic figure of a girl in a coconut bra with a grass skirt and a guitar. Ron flicked it with his finger and it began to move from side to side. The car smelled strangely of dirty socks and there were clothes and food containers in the backseat.
He could not blame Harry for making up an excuse and not wanting to come into the car because that's what it was, wasn't it? Harry really did believe Ron could drive, didn't he?
"Ron?"
Ron snapped out of his thoughts and turned his head, facing Dean, who was waiting for him to answer. His brows were furrowed and his facial expression was one filled with worry.
"I perused it," he said quietly.
Dean groaned.
By 'perused' Ron really looked at the last page that said, 'Congratulations, you're ready for your license!,' and then tossed it aside. He didn't need a book to teach him how to drive. He drove a flying car for Godric's sake!
"Here, just take the keys. Turn the car on and tuck yourself in while I write my will down. Tell Seamus I love him. He's been a good mate."
A will, oh please! Dean didn't even have a notary witch present. Ron figured he better not agitate the instructor. He rolled his eyes but didn't say anything. In truth, Dean was Ron's last choice to teach him how to drive.
His main issue was he didn't know many muggleborns or half-blood's that knew how to drive. Harry said he experienced enough car rides with the Dursley's to never want to learn and Hermione didn't like the idea of being behind the wheel but she encouraged him immensely. Then there was Hannah who nearly said yes but Neville just had to butt himself into the conversation and vehemently reject the idea. Something about not wanting Hannah to lose any limbs.
He grabbed the key from Dean and examined it for a second before placing it into the slot and turning the car on. Whew, Ron realized he was sweating and wiped at his brow with his forearm.
The hard part was over. The car was on.
As an after thought he buckled himself in and then tapped his fingertips on the steering wheel, brimming with excitement. The sky was clear, the sun was shining and the parking lot was empty so there would be no causalities.
Not that Ron didn't believe in himself and his abilities.
"Are you done being a pansy?" Ron asked lightly.
"Shut-up Ron," said Dean with a snarl. "Alright. Let's take this slow. I'm going to assume you know where the gas and break pedal are. So, we're just going to ease out from our spot and roll."
Right, that's what those little pedals by his feet were called again. He wondered which was which but figured he would find out in a few seconds.
Besides, Ron could roll.
His smile was wide as he squinted and pressed his foot down hard against the gas. The car pushed forward quickly, gaining speed, and Ron threw his hands up in the air alarmed as Dean shouted next to him.
"Slow down! Slow down!" Dean instructed, holding onto the side of the car. "Never take your hands off the wheel! Ten and two! Ten and two!"
Ron didn't know what ten and two meant but he gripped the wheel as the car was being directed towards the end of the parking lot and towards a group of trees. Without thinking he pressed his left foot against the break making the two of them jolt forward, their seatbelts stopping them from flying out the window.
Dean was panting like he just ran a marathon, holding onto his seatbelt and the car door. Ron said nothing with one foot on the break, hands gripping the wheel, knuckles white, and a sheepish grin on his face.
"Dean, I think I've eased into it," he said quietly.
-x-
Dean stared at Ron absolutely petrified for a solid five minutes. He could hear his heart beating in his head and was convinced his insides were so shaken they had repositioned themselves.
"Bloody hell," Dean said breathlessly. "Harry was not joking."
"Come on. We're only ten minutes in. That was the warm-up, don't quit now."
Dean glared at Ron, trying to make sense of his surroundings. He wasn't entirely sure he was alive after that stunt. He thought maybe, just maybe, Ron would get better with time. Every time he told Ron to 'ease in' with the gas and drive in a straight line, Ron would press against the gas and squeal with glee.
At least he was keeping a hold of the wheel.
The only reason Ron convinced him to continue teaching was Harry who promised he would join them in the back seat and give Dean protective elbow and kneepads since he kept slipping and sliding everywhere.
Harry sat in the back, pinching his nose at the smell of dirty socks in the car and had to keep kicking empty food tins away from his feet. To say Ron was getting better would be a lie. To say he was getting worse would be an understatement.
"Ron, you're horrible at this. It's like you're ignoring everything I say."
Ron didn't hear what Dean said. He was humming to himself and tapping the wheel with his fingertips. He was imagining how fun it would be traveling the states in a big van with his seven unborn children (even though Hermione swore they were only having one, but he was irresistible and great in bed). They would sing muggle songs and do muggle things. Ron was not entirely sure what muggles did while traveling but he was engaged to a muggle expert.
"That's because he's not listening," said Harry with a slight groan. "It goes in one ear and out the other. We need to come up with a plan."
"We need to get out of this bloody car alive."
Harry agreed silently. If they could just get Ron to pay attention for longer than five seconds he halfheartedly believed they would get somewhere.
"Alright," said Harry. "I've got an idea."
-x-
The obstacle course, Ron noted, was scary. He could fight Death Eater's, bring down Voldemort and propose to Hermione Granger but he knew this was going to be his downfall.
Bloody Harry.
"This is what you have to do," instructed Dean. "Just drive at a reasonable speed. A turn here, a turn there. Don't knock down any cones or kill any of the obstacles."
Ron gulped. "Kill?"
"I did a little spell, things are going to pop out at you."
"Like what exactly, Harry?" he asked nervously.
Harry grinned, green eyes shining with excitement. "Oh, just a couple of stop signs, lights, expecting women. The usual."
Ron blanched and looked at Dean who was giving him a sideways glance and was now wearing a padded orange vest.
"Don't kill the pedestrians," said Dean. "That definitely won't help you pass your driving exam. Now, let's do this. Are you ready?"
Ron wanted to tell them no but he slowly put the car in drive and pressed down on the gas. It wasn't his fault he had a lead foot. Surely it had to run in his family or something. Maybe driving a car was like playing Quidditch. Instead of dodging balls you had to dodge people in order to get to your destination.
He squinted his eyes and was filled with determination as he shakily drove the car towards the obstacle, hoping Godric was on his side today, or Dumbledore, or his older brother, to guide him through the thing. Orange cones wobbled on the right as the car started to veer off in that direction.
"Ron," coached Dean, "keep it straight. Move the wheel to the left. Ease up on the gas."
Harry sat silently in the back chewing his bottom lip as Ron's left eye twitched, trying to do what he was told. The car slowed and he turned the wheel slightly to the left, the orange cones had stopped wobbling on both sides.
He was actually driving in a straight line.
"You're doing it!" Harry said with surprise.
Ron snorted. Of course he was doing it. He was Ronald Weasley! Driver extraordinaire! It was as easy as feeding candy to a hippog—
"RON! WATCH OUT!" Dean shouted, shutting his eyes closed and gripping his chest.
Ron screeched and gripped the wheel with all his might, unsure of what to do, as a grandfather type figure materialized from thin air in front of the car. He walked absentmindedly with a cane, trudging along without a care in the world.
"What do I do? What do I do?"
"Calm down," said Harry. "This is just another obstacle."
Ron relaxed and continued driving straight towards the man and Harry smacked himself on the head.
"That doesn't mean you hit him Ron. Do you want to go to muggle prison?"
Ron clicked his tongue in thought. "Is it as bad as Azkaban?"
"RON!"
"Alright, alright. I'm slowing down. No need to get your knickers in a twist."
He slowed the car down to a stop and the old man disappeared as he finished crossing from one cone to another. Dean peeked through his fingers that were covering his eyes and sighed loudly. Before he could say anything, even though he wasn't sure he could talk, the obstacle course started to shift on its own, creating zigzags, makeshift STOP signs and two lanes where a fake orange car was puttering away.
"Let's try again," said Dean slowly. "We're going to work on turning. Go straight, stop at the STOP sign and then make a left."
Ron pursed his lips. This was getting tedious. It was obvious he knew what he was doing. The warm-up was done. He should have been outside of the parking lot and on the road with the window rolled down and the wind flowing through his hair.
If he could drive in a straight line he was sure he could drive with other cars around him. A fake car? No problem.
Ron drove in a straight line quietly, picking up speed as he got closer to the stop sign. Wasn't it a suggestion like those funny lights that were everywhere? The ones with the red, green and yellow? Just because a sign said STOP did it mean he actually had to stop? Logically, it made no sense to him. There were no stop signs in the air when he flew his magic car. Nor were there signs in the Forbidden Forest, except maybe 'Do Not Enter.'
"You need to slow down," Harry said from the backseat. He was such a backseat driver and he didn't even know how to drive. "If you run a STOP sign you could kill someone or get a ticket."
"Is a ticket a good thing or a bad thing?"
Dean sighed tiredly next to him. "Bad, very bad. Expensive. You might have to go to court."
Ron gulped and pressed down on the break hard, making them all jerk forward. Court? They were going to treat him like a Death Eater and put him on trial for innocently missing a STOP sign? He shuddered. Muggles were an interesting bunch.
"What if I roll through the STOP sign?" he asked innocently, turning his head as he asked Dean his question.
Dean was taking deep breaths, in and out, in and out, and counted to three before responding.
"I need a drink," he mumbled to himself. "A very stiff drink. You should have read the drivers manual. Why didn't you read the manual?"
Ron shrugged. "I figured it was optional. Alright then, complete stops. I can do that. Let's try this fancy turn."
"Just go slow," Harry suggested. "Please."
Ron rolled his eyes. If he could turn in the air on a little broom he could turn an entire car on the ground. He gripped the wheel tightly and pressed on the gas turning sharply towards the left. Ron jerked slightly to the right as the car turned, making a loud screeching noise. Once the car turned completely he continued driving in a straight line, wiping at his sweaty brow.
The fake orange car drove up next to him and there was a fake green person sitting in the driver's seat that gave Ron a thumbs up. He blushed and grinned sheepishly.
"Wow," Dean said, taking a deep shaky breath. "It wasn't the best turn."
"It was a mediocre turn," Harry said with a sigh of relief.
"It was a great turn," Ron argued angrily.
"It was a turn. That's all that matters," Dean said again. "That's all that matters. I should be a driving instructor. If I can teach you to drive I can teach anyone. Alright, I think we're done for the day."
Ron let go of the wheel and crossed his arms against his chest uncomfortably, pouting.
"But we just got started! That's not fair. You said you would teach me how to drive so I could pass my test. Do you think I'll pass my test?"
"Well…" Dean said nervously, attempting to remove his helmet.
"No one gets out of this car until I really know how to drive," Ron shouted.
He removed his wand from his pocket and tapped the wheel three times with it. Nothing happened so Harry and Dean laughed with ease.
"Really funny Ron. I think we've had enough of a scare today." Harry unbuckled his seat belt and pointed his wand at Dean's head breezily, allowing the helmet to come off. Dean unclipped the helmet and removed it, finally able to relax in his seat.
Ron remained in the driver's seat unmoving with his hands on the wheel, whistling to himself quietly. He said nothing as Dean removed his seatbelt and tried to open the door but it didn't budge. He struggled with the handle and kept trying to grip it but it slid out of his hand like a slippery substance.
In the backseat, Harry shook his head at Dean's obvious lack of strength and reached out to open the door on his right. He gave the door handle a quizzical look because as he tried to grip it, it slipped right out of his hand and felt almost like jelly. Trying not to panic, Harry slid in the backseat and reached towards the left side door trying to open that one as well. As he gripped the handle it slid out of his hand each time he tried to hold onto it.
"Ron," Harry said thickly, trying not to lose his temper. "What did you do?"
Ron smiled innocently at Dean and then turned his head, with his foot on the break and the car in drive, grinning devilishly at Harry.
"No one gets out of this car until I really drive," he said loudly.
Dean shrieked and tried grabbing the handle again. He tried to roll down the window but the handle for it disappeared right in front of his eyes. He moaned as if he was in pain and smacked his hands against the window.
"Get me out of here!" he shouted, banging his fists against the door.
Harry sat quietly in the back, trying to rack his brain on what to do. In Auror training they would have told him to knock Ron out but he didn't think that would sit well with Ginny. How would she feel if he Confunded him? No, no, that probably wouldn't go over well with her either.
He always knew Ron Weasley would be the death of him.
"What's your plan, Ron? Hm? You're going to have us sit in this car all day as your prisoners? Have you gone mad? Has the gas gone to your head?"
"No!" he shouted in defense. "We're not going to sit here all day. We're going to drive."
Dean shouted again in horror and placed his helmet back on his head.
"You survived a war," he said to himself, eyes closed and breathing heavily. "You survived a war you can survive Ron Weasley's driving." He repeated his new mantra to himself over and over again, hugging his arms to his chest.
"This is ridiculous," Harry muttered from the back seat, clipping his seat belt again. "If I wasn't marrying your sister…"
Ron grinned from his seat and flipped down the driver's visor, smiling into the mirror at the part of Harry's reflection he could see.
"Just think of all the family trips we're going to go on together! The drives and scenic routes we'll take and the fun muggle songs we'll see. Let's sing a muggle song as we drive, hm? Any suggestions, friends?"
"Tell Seamus I love him," Dean said with a whimper.
"Just drive Ron, drive."
"You guys are no fun," he grumbled, pressing his foot against the gas.
-x-
Five minutes in and with little direction Ron wasn't doing half bad. He had managed to get out of the parking lot and onto a small road with other drivers. He got excited at all the different colored cars. Blues, reds, blacks and greens! So many options for him when he bought his own vehicle.
The weather was gloomy with clouds in the sky and a sprinkle of rain. Still, Ron rolled down the window a tiny crack because the smell dirty socks and rotten food was getting to his head. He felt slightly queasy but nothing could bring him down.
He made a wide sharp turn to the right and hummed to himself as the girl in the grass skirt on the dashboard swayed from side to side.
Harry was refusing to speak to him but Dean was trying to calm himself down by singing the one song he knew from his holiday drives with his mum.
"Driving in the car, driving in the car. Going very far, woo-hoo, I'm driving in my car."
It was the only line he knew and he kept repeating it as Ron sped through a yellow light and honked at drivers in front of him because he thought he was saying hello. He didn't understand why some of the drivers were cursing him in response.
"Alright," Harry said, finally breaking his silence. "Where are we even going?"
Ron made another sharp turn to the left and hummed as he drove behind a small beat up blue car. The windshield wipers made a streaking noise, as if they were struggling to remove the raindrops from the window like they had never been used before.
Maybe Dean was the one that didn't know how to drive.
"Ron? Hello, can you hear me? Where are we going?" Harry asked again.
Ron took one hand off the wheel and waved it at Harry, causing Dean to shout something about 'ten and two' again.
"We're just put-put-puttering away," Ron said, whistling triumphantly. "Driving in the car, going very far, no one knows where we're going but we're going very far. Do-do-dooo!"
"Ron," Harry said with annoyance. "I'm hungry." It was true. His stomach rumbled loudly.
"There should be some noodles and half a burger somewhere in here," Dean said airily. "I also have burnt chips and some stale biscuits hidden around here."
He opened the glove compartment and started sifting through the papers, napkins and other things that were in there. After a minute of searching he pulled out an orange tin with some biscuits that expired two years ago.
"Ah, ha!" he said with triumphant, opening the tin and eating a biscuit. "Anyone?"
Harry blinked at Dean and Ron ignored him, keeping his eyes on the road. He was driving a filth bucket and Dean had the audacity to say things about his driving, what about his car?
"Finally! We have a destination. To…food, mates!"
With excitement, Ron turned on his blinker and make another left turn and then started to speed up, switching between the middle and left lane, going around car after car. His depth perception wasn't great and he came close to hitting a brown car, the driver yelling at him. Dean yelped and almost choked on his biscuits, throwing the open tin back into the glove compartment.
"Where are we going? What are you doing! You have to look when you switch lanes, Ron! Too close, too close. Watch where you're going!"
Ron tensed his shoulders and quickly switched lanes, narrowly hitting the back of a large white van. He blushed and cursed under his breath and Dean inhaled and exhaled loudly.
"Calm down!" Ron shouted back. "I know what I'm doing…I think!"
Dean narrowed his eyes as Harry rummaged through the trash in the back, trying to see if he could find anything that wasn't outdated or molding.
"Dean, you have a bottle of firewhiskey in the car."
"Let's take a swig!"
"Eyes on the road. Drinking is a definite no when driving," Harry said with a tut.
Ron rolled his eyes in response. "I didn't mean me," he said lamely.
"Ah!" Dean shouted with excitement. "Give it here, Harry! Seamus must have left it in here. Whole bloody car is a mess thanks to him."
Dean grabbed the bottle with excitement, removing some of his protective gear and took a nice long swig. He felt calmer than he had all day and gave Ron a side smile as the rain started to pick up. The windshield wipers started to loudly attempt to swish away the rain.
"Right, so you're not the slob?" Ron asked, coming to a stop at a red light. "You and Seamus are a little too close for comfort."
Dean huffed and took another swig before responding. "He's my best mate!" he shouted hotly.
"Harry's my best mate and we have boundaries. Don't we, Harry?"
"I have boundaries," he said, not missing a beat. "You like to thinkyou have boundaries. Is driving really that important to you?"
Ron waited a few minutes before responding. Of course driving was important to him. He wouldn't have been behind the wheel otherwise. Truthfully, Ron was trying to be more understanding when it came to Hermione and her Muggle culture. He didn't understand why she wanted to wash dishes by hand or clean the house herself and wear herself out. She said it was the way she grew up. She didn't want to reject her upbringing completely.
He did not enjoy taking rags and getting on his knees to polish his bathtub. Muggles did so much unnecessary work. He was determined to find something he enjoyed that Muggles did and driving seemed like the obvious answer.
"Yes," he answered finally. "Imagine our children in the back seat of our large van while we drive across the country. We'll camp out really nice. Not like when we were hiding from Death Eater's. It'll be more grand and less nerve wracking. Besides, Ronald Jr., Ronald the III and Ronalda—"
"Ronalda?" Dean questioned, wrinkling his noise. He burped loudly and laughed to himself.
Ron raised his eyebrow nervously. Last thing he needed was a drunk driving instructor. The firewhiskey bottle was suspiciously half empty as Dean kept taking sip after sip.
"It's the female version of Ron. We'll call her Ronnie for short of course. Doesn't it sound a bit exotic? Spanish almost."
"I'm in a car with a ruddy idiot," Dean said, laughing loudly.
Harry reached forward from behind him and snaked his hands towards the bottle he was currently sloshing around, spilling some of the contents.
"Come on, we're switching seats."
Dean opened his eyes nervously, coming back to reality for a moment.
"With his driving? That's insane. You've always been an insane risk taker Potter. I'll have you know I value my life."
"Just switch seats with me, come on."
Dean grumbled and Ron said nothing, squinting his eyes trying to see through the rain that was coming down harder. The windshield wipers were slowing down but the cars around him were suspiciously speeding up.
Next to him, Dean removed his seatbelt, turned his body and dived towards the backseat of the car, yelping as he got stuck. Harry grudgingly pulled his body towards the empty seat next to him, slamming his body into the side door accidentally.
"Ow!" Dean shouted. "Watch the merchandise. I'm still single over here."
He rubbed his head and grabbed the firewhiskey back from Harry who was awkwardly trying to fold himself and struggled to move to the front seat of the car. He was panting as he positioned himself sideways and put on his seatbelt and then punched Ron in the arm.
"I'd drive across the country with you," Harry said quietly.
Dean snorted loudly but Ron grinned in response. At a stop, he pulled out his wand and tapped the radio, the hula girl swinging her hips to the tune that was coming out of it. Somehow, he had come up with a spell to make the words, 'We're driving in the car,' come out on a loop.
Harry bobbed his head back and forth to the beat while Dean snapped his fingers and Ron began to sing.
"We're driving in the car. I don't know where we are. Hm. Hm. Hm. We're driving in the car."
Harry blanched at his words. "What the hell do you mean you don't know where we are?"
Ron shrugged and Dean laughed in the background. "Harry's really mad. He actually looks quite sad."
Before Harry could yell at him Ron cursed loudly as the windshield wipers stopped working completely. The rain was pelting down on the car in buckets and it was making it hard for him to see. He couldn't tell how close the car in front of him was. All he could see was the red blur of its taillights.
"We're dying in the car," Ron sang nervously. "I can't see where we are."
"We're dying in the car! We're dying in the car! All thanks to Ron because he can't see where we are. All together now!" Dean sang in the backseat.
Harry gripped the sides of his seat nervously. He checked to make sure his seatbelt was on twice and started hyperventilating making Ron more nervous then he wanted to be.
"I'm having flashbacks," he said, struggling to breathe.
He was sure at any second a train was going to start coming their way or they were going to swerve off the road and into a forest. He could see Aragog in his head. The sheer fear of the memory made his heart beat in his chest at an alarmingly rate. No, Ron should definitely not get his license. Harry would make sure of it if he survived the car ride.
"Here!" Dean yelled. "Have a drink!"
He offered the bottle to Harry who numbly took it as Ron's knuckles turned white because he was clutching the wheel so hard. The radio started to repeat, 'We're dying in this car. We're dying in this.'
Harry nervously took a swig, the whiskey burning his throat and momentarily calming him down.
"Do you have an invisibility button?" Ron asked, as a car honked at him from an unknown direction.
"Who do you think I am?" Dean asked, moving his feet around through the trash by him, looking for some food. "We're dying in this car. We're dying in this car." Dean hummed the tune as Harry held onto his seat for dear life.
Ron did the only thing he could think of. He clutched the wheel tightly and made a sharp turn, loud honking could be heard but Ron didn't care. He hoped he wasn't about to crash into a car since he couldn't see in front of him. Instead, the car skidded and then swerved off the road.
He shakily put the car in park and pulled out his wand, tapping the car door next to him. Harry opened his door and stumbled out into the rain trying to take in their surroundings. They had driven onto someone's lawn, taking down their fence with them. Ron gulped and Harry shook his head, offering the bottle of whiskey to his friend.
Inside the car, Dean rolled down his window and drunkenly shouted, "Let's do that again!"
Author's Note: The song was inspired by my Aunt who liked to sing on our vacations, "We're driving in the car. I don't know where we are. Ah, we're driving in the car!"