Rossi V.S. Gideon

A/N: well, this is just a fun showdown! I had the idea and decided to write it down. Enjoy (I hope)! Oh, yeah, I don't own Criminal Minds, really too bad about …

"Well, everyone," Strauss began, "welcome to the First Annual BAU bash, where profilers, current and retired, have come to enjoy each other's company. And discuss their uh, exhilarating job, huh."

"Oh, yeah, just what we want to do at a party, discuss pedophiles, rapists, and serial killers who cut people into tiny pieces." Rossi whispered to his team. They responded with a chuckle before turning back to Strauss.

"Well, let's thank SSA Rossi for hosting and funding this celebration." Strauss said as everyone clapped, "Come on up here, Dave."

"That's my cue," Rossi said, jumping up out of the crowd. He walked over to Erin Strauss' side upon a platform above a crowd of FBI agents.

"Welcome everybody-" he suddenly stopped, and focused on an individual in the crowd. "What are you doing here, Gideon?" he shouted, stressing the word 'Gideon' with contempt.

"What are you doing hosting it, ya unprofessional "agent"?" Jason retorted, making quote symbols with his hands when he said 'agent.'

"What's wrong with you: questioning my agent-hood? I'm more of an agent then you'll ever be!"

"That tech girl with the glasses is more of an agent then you'll ever be!" Gideon answered, as he proceeded to stick his tongue out.

"Oh, you." Rossi huffed.

Silence proceeded before JJ shouted, "Looks like we've got a fight on our hands!" Then, she ran up to the platform, and hollered, "You know what that means, folks: it's time to play "Who's the Better Agent!"

The crows cheered, and JJ yelled over them, "head to the parlor for some refreshments, and come back in 25 minutes for the showdown of your life!"

CM X CM X CM X CM X CM X CM X CM X CM X CM X CM X CM X CM X CM X

"Welcome back, everyone! Here's how it'll work: there will be three parts to this game show. Target Practice, Trash Talk Debate, and finally The Popularity Contest. Our judges will be counting the points; the three rounds of Target practice will be worth 10 pts to the winner. Our judges will count points for what each insult is worth in the Trash Talk Debate and finally the audience will vote in The Popularity Contest, as each person's vote will be worth 1 pt." JJ explained to everyone.

JJ continued, "And now it's time to meet our celebrity judges: He's a hunk of a dude, and ladies who'll vouch for it. He's also famous for chasing down unsubs and pinning them to the ground, how many are we up to, 268: it's Derek Morgan."

"269 unsubs, actually, caught one on my way here." He answered, waving to the crowd, continuing to sit down in front of the judges' table.

JJ smiled as she started again, "She's that genius of the computer, who reminds us why we should never put our high school photos online: it's Penelope Garcia."

Garcia walked up to the table laughing, "Hello, my kittens."

Again the blonde waited for the crowd to calm down before resuming, "He's that bad-ass boss who'll kick your butt if you don't get you paperwork done, we all know him and sort of love him: Aaron Hotchner!"

Hotch ran out, sat down and stared at JJ, "Hotch, please."

"Of course; well, our final judge is that smarty-pants. He's got an eidetic memory and an i.q. that makes the rest of us feel like dummies: Spencer Reid!"

Reid hurried to sit down, as Gideon shouted from the back of the curtain, "Doctor!"

JJ face turned red, "Okay, um, well, our contestants: Jason Gideon and David Rossi."

The two profilers stepped out onstage and each in front of their own game show podiums. Rossi then proceeded to make the 'I'm watching you' hand gesture at Gideon.

JJ looked at the two then to the audience, "You can see the competitive spirit written all over their faces! Alright, men, let's take out our guns because it's time for Target Practice!"

The assembly cheered as Rossi and Gideon took out their weapons.

"So, it's the best of two out of three, and to make matters more exciting, our judges are going to choose the three objects!" JJ announced. "Well, what item do you choose to be the target, Spence-"

"Doctor Reid, ya ditz," Gideon hollered, immediately proceeding to mumble, "can't believe she became a profiler, I guess anybody can these days! In my day..." he suddenly stopped because he caught sight of Rossi.

Reid interrupted them, "I choose Rossi's Italian leather boots!"

Rossi's eyes bugged out, "He can't do that!"

"No rules, remember?" JJ whispered, yet loud enough for everyone to hear. She then went behind his podium, grabbed Rossi's foot, and pulled the shoe right off it. Taking the boot, she drew a large red target on it with a sharpie.

"Nooooo! My favorite shoes!" Rossi yelled, stretching his arms in longing.

"Haha!" Gideon laughed.

"Okay, Rossi, you're first." JJ said, pointing at the boot sitting on a pedestal. "Take aim at the shoe!"

"I can't, I just can't do it." Rossi cried, closing his eyes and shooting blindly. He opened his eyes to see he barely grazed the shoelace. "I'm so sorry about this Carlos!"

"You named your shoes, tsk, tsk." Gideon laughed, grabbing his gun and shooting right through the bull's eye JJ had drawn.

"Nooooo, Carlos!" Rossi sobbed.

"Alrighty, then." JJ said, "Hotch, what do you choose as the next object to be the target?"

"I choose Gideon's Mockingbird Painting!" Hotch yelled.

"What, Hotch, I thought we were friends! Where did you even get that: it's my favorite painting." Gideon cried.

"Yeah, we were friends. 'Were' is the key word."

"In your face!" Rossi yelled, as he looked to see JJ drawing a target on the bird in the painting.

"Alright, Rossi, shoot!" *BAM*BAM*

"A perfect bull's eye!" JJ shouted.

"Aahh!" Gideon screamed, then grabbing his gun and pointing it at Hotch.

"Uh, you have to aim at the target, Jason." Hotch said.

"Don't 'Jason' me, ya little freak!" Gideon screeched, then shooting the judges' table edge.

"Well, you missed!" JJ said over the screams of the audience. "Um, Derek, what item do you choose?"

"This life-size cardboard cut-out of Erin Strauss!" Derek said, laughing, pulling it out from under the table.

"Aim for the heart or the brain!" JJ said, excitedly.

*BAM*BAM* Rossi's gun went off, hitting just a centimeter away from a perfect heart hit. "Oo." The audience cooed.

*BAM*BAM* Gideon's gun boomed, destroying the competition by getting a shot right at the head's target.

The crowd clapped, as Gideon bowed.

"That's 10 points for the winner of Round 1: Jason Gideon!" Derek hollered, as Garcia wrote it down on the scoreboard.

"Wow, well it's time for Round Two, The Trash Talk Debate, here's how it'll work: We'll start with SSA Gideon who will launch an insult at Rossi; then the judges will announce a point count based on how much of a burn it is. After that, Rossi can fight back and it will go on until, well, I say stop. Okay, Gideon, fire away!"

"Ha, well, firstly, I practically single-handedly started the BAU, it's not like Rossi did anything!"

"Ooo," Derek said, "four points."

"What do you mean?" Rossi countered, "I don't see your books about the beginnings of the FBI's BAU unit selling out in bookstores all across America!"

"Ow, five points!" Hotch yelled.

Gideon looked unconcerned, "I'm surprised you remember anything at all from back then, you were too busy charming women with your FBI badge!"

"The pain! Seven points!" Reid screamed over the laughing crowd.

"At least I had a personal life!" Rossi retorted.

"Touché, my Italian Stallion: six points!" Garcia announced.

"I had a personal life! I have a son."

Derek spoke, "Pretty lame, man: Zero points!"

"Whom you haven't spoken to in years, Jason Gideon!" Rossi yelled.

"Burn! Four points for Rossi!" Derek screamed.

"Hey, but I know a certain FBI agent who pays alimony to three exes, how's that working out, Dave?" Gideon came back at him.

Reid spoke, "7 points to Gideon!"

Rossi snapped, changing the subject, "At least I'm not a slob who keeps nothing in order like a certain profiler!"

"I'll attest to that!" Garcia proclaimed, "Five points for David."

"Well, the way you organize things, you probably have OCD!" Gideon replied.

"Ha," Hotch laughed, "6 points!"

"OCD," Rossi mumbled, "Hey, I've never had a nervous breakdown over a few killings!"

"Wow!" Derek shouted, "Seven points!"

"It was a major depressive episode! And you, you retired for no reason to write books and sip martinis by a pool!" Gideon defended.

"Nice: four points." Reid declared.

"Hey, I came back without issue, and at least I know Garcia's name!" Rossi stated.

"Well, I see how it is, Jason Gideon: Eight points!" Garcia pronounced.

"Wait, who's Garcia?" Gideon questioned. "Anyway, I'm so much nicer to Reid then you are! You send him into ditches when he's injured."

"Five points to Jason!" Hotch proclaimed to the world.

"You call leaving an unenlightening letter to the kid and never calling or visiting him after you fall off the planet nice! I host cooking lessons for my team!" Rossi accused.

"Burn: nine points to the profiler on the right!" Garcia said.

"Hey, I've been busy! Anyway, I brought down the most prolific serial killer ever: Frank Breitkopf, what do you do on your weekends, Agent Rossi." Gideon said.

"Hey, 4 points to our friend: Gideon!" Reid announced.

"Yeah, because letting him go the first time so he can kill a few more people before allowing him and that poor lady jump in front of a train is totally 'bringing him down!'" Rossi clarified.

"Touché, Dave!" Hotch hollered, "nine points!"

"Well, I don't shoot innocent birds for fun!" Gideon accused.

"You what!" Garcia started, "six points!"

"That's not fair, I eat what I kill, and you're only sensitive because you are obsessed with birds. I mean seriously, who has an apartment full of pictures of birds and who, besides Reid, knows all the species names by heart. It's sad, okay, just sad." Rossi shrieked, with passion.

"Wow," Derek stated, "eight points."

"Okay," JJ declared, "stop, we are at a tie with Gideon having 53 points and Rossi with 53 points. So it's time for our Popularity Contest: FBI BAU agents get ready to vote: who is more awesome, Gideon or Rossi?"

A/N: Well you heard her: review and tell me who you think is more awesome!

P.S. if you guys like this oneshot, I'll think about doing more showdowns: maybe JJ against Ashley Seaver or Derek Morgan vs. Spencer Reid!