Hey all! So, I'm trying my hand at writing again! Right now this is a one shot, but depending on how people respond to it, I have potential ideas to write more for it. This one shot was inspired by the song I Told You So, originally performed by Randy Travis and written for Carrie Underwood several years before she was born (as Randy puts it). My favorite version can be found on YouTube here: /watch?v=hvTwFl6OIAk A special thanks to ladyriley for helping me fluff it up a bit :) Enjoy!
Riley had been standing in the subway for the past hour, raising her phone in her hands and lowering it every few moments. She tucked her hair behind her ear out of habit, frustrated with herself. There was a voice in the back of her mind, telling her to call him and tell him how she felt, or rather, how she still feels about him. Riley bit the inside of her lip and tugged at the end of her maroon sweater's sleeve as her mind continued to debate on whether that voice was, in fact, right, or it was just her long lost hopes.
After four years of college, she had finally learned who she was, and she was tired of being alone in that way. Sure, she had gone on a few dates every once in a while, but none of them lasted. No matter who asked her, no matter how much they liked each other, it didn't last longer than two or three dates.
The longest was Caleb. A lot of her sorority sisters were a bit jealous when they found out he asked Riley out on a date during their senior year. All of them found him to be the classically handsome type – tall, jet black hair, piercing blue eyes, a muscular build, and the topic of their late night discussions on various nights. It seemed like most girls on campus had eyes for him, which made Riley all the more shocked when he asked her to dinner after one of their classes together. She was even more surprised when she heard herself say yes.
Overall, he was a nice guy. He was sweet and charming, but there was something lacking and for the life of her, she couldn't put her finger on it no matter how hard she tried to pinpoint it. After a few weeks, the two were able to part on good terms and remain friends. It wasn't long after that that Riley was able to figure out why none of her other relationships ever worked out.
It couldn't compare to what she and Lucas had. He was all she ever wanted; he was the only one who ever made her whole from the beginning. And because of that, she couldn't bring herself to date anyone else. It wouldn't be fair to them, or to her. But when she raised her phone to find his number, her mind flashed back to winter break freshman year – when she let her foolish decision get in the way.
Lucas brushed some of Riley's hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear. Tears continued to stream down her face. He had never seen her this upset before, and it worried him to no end. "Come on, Riley," he urged softly, cupping her cheek and gently brushing away a few tears with his thumb. "You know you can tell me anything. It's what we do, remember? We talked through the doubts of you going to NYU and me going to Texas – we worked that out."
Riley nodded. "I know," she managed to choke out, but this situation was so much more than distance.
"Internalizing isn't going to make the problem go away," Lucas reasoned. "We can get through this."
She bit her lip as she attempted to wipe away the tears that continued to stream down her face herself, hoping that somehow they would stop. Her chest heaved as she tried to suppress the sobs, but she had no such luck. If anything, it just made it worse.
"Lucas, I…" she paused, trying to find the words, "I-I don't know who I am anymore."
Lucas' eyebrow shot up at Riley's words. "What?" he questioned, doing his best not to let out a confused guffaw. Lucas knew that Riley had many doubts about herself, but this one took the cake. Her confidence in herself seemed to shine towards the later years in high school. "Riley what are you talking about? You're Princess Dancing Sunshine!"
"I just don't know who I am anymore! Amongst the shift between high school and college, classes, and trying to get involved, I just don't know who I am anymore. I feel like I've gotten swallowed up in it all. Instead of meeting the world, it chewed me up and spit me back out. Even Maya commented on how I seem lost as of late. High school doesn't prepare you for what it's like in college! I need to try and find my voice in this world, and I have no idea at how to go about it. I always heard about things like this happening in college, but I never thought it would happen to me!"
Once Riley finished, Lucas enveloped her in his arms and kissed the top of her head. "Don't worry, Riles," he whispered. "We'll get through this, just like we always do."
Despite his words, Riley shook her head as she stepped back from his embrace. "Lucas… it wouldn't exactly be fair to you if I'm trying to figure this stuff out."
Lucas felt his stomach drop at her words. He was dreading what she was going to say next. "What are you saying?"
"It wouldn't be fair to you if we were together while I figure this out. I need some time for myself to figure out what I want to do in this world – who I'm supposed to be. It wouldn't be right for you to wait for me. You need to continue living your life."
He felt tears brim his eyes, and Lucas quickly blinked them away to make sure they didn't fall. Her words cut right through his heart and ripped it in two. The pain was unbearable.
"Why didn't you tell me about this? We could have talked it over. Do you really think it's best?"
Riley's lower lip quivered as she geared up to give him the answer. "Yes."
No matter how much he wanted to fight, all he wanted was the best for Riley. And if this was how it was supposed to be, then so be it. As this realization hit him, numbness seeped through his heart.
"Okay, Riley," he said, his voice almost void of all emotion. "If this is what you think is best, then I won't step in your way. I care for you too much to do that." After he finished speaking, Lucas turned and walked out of her life.
If Riley could go back and change that night, she would in a heartbeat. She rubbed the back of her neck out of nervousness just thinking about the expression he bore on his face. The hurt in his eyes made her realize that what she wanted then was a huge mistake. It killed her that their relationship had become so distant. If she called him up, it could go either one of two ways. He'd say how much he still cared for her, or he'd say, "I told you so, but you had to go. I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again."
Riley shook her head. She highly doubted he would ever throw it back in her face like that – deliberately, anyway. Once again, she raised her phone up, hoping that when Lucas picked up, they'd fall back into old habits when they'd laugh and talk for hours. He'd say he missed her and that he's been waiting for the day she'd call him again. Riley smiled at the thought – the thought that they still may be able to live in love together, forever.
Just as she was about to press his number, her mind whispered, or would he say the table's finally turned?
Riley groaned as she shoved her phone in her purse, smoothed her black denim skirt, bit her lip, and boarded the subway. She hated how indecisive her mind was, and had about had it with her battling thoughts. But she knew why it was. She still cared for Lucas deeply, and wouldn't be able to handle it if she was rejected by him. While she was able to come out of her shell a bit in college that was one way she would never change. Her constant doubt of what could happen.
Her mind was lost in thought as the subway surged forward, still debating on whether or not it would be a good idea or not to contact Lucas. He's never been one to rub it in people's faces – but who knows how much he's changed in nearly three years. People may change people, but so does time.
Suddenly, the subway made an abrupt stop, sending an unprepared Riley flying backwards. Before she hit anything, two strong arms grabbed ahold of her and brought her down safely on their lap. The embarrassment started to rise in her chest, and her cheeks started to burn. What is wrong with you, Riley? she thought. Despite the many years to grow into her long limbs, she still managed to find herself to be super klutzy at times, especially in heeled booties.
"Riley?" a familiar voice asked.
Riley's heart stopped as she recognized his voice. Out of all the places she'd run into him, it would have to be on the subway… again. She turned her head and her eyes met two familiar emerald orbs gazing at her. It was far too easy to get lost in them. Talk about déjà vu…
"Lucas," she breathed. Riley blinked a few times to make sure that he was in fact sitting right in front of her… or should she say to make sure she was sitting on his lap? Quickly, Riley slid off of his lap and onto the seat beside him and eyed him.
Lucas hadn't changed much. While he definitely had a stronger build than the last time she saw him, his style remained very much the same. Cowboy boots, faded jeans, the same old leather jacket, and the ability to make Riley's stomach turn in all sorts of knots despite all the time that had passed. No matter how many things changed, everything still seemed to stay the same somehow.
"It's been a while," he commented as a small smile came over his lips.
Riley let out a nervous chuckle as she nodded. "Yeah, yeah it has…" she trailed. Again, she couldn't believe this was happening. The Universe had that effect on her most times, especially in situations Riley would think to be impossible, and one would think she should be used to it by now.
He glanced down at the subway floor for a moment and then looked back up into her eyes. "So how have you been? Zay and Farkle tell me that you're working with Shawn?"
Riley nodded again. "Yeah, I started last month and it's been a lot of fun. I work a lot with Shawn which is great. I picked up a photography minor in my sophomore year of college and it's really helped with some articles so far," she rambled, making Lucas grin all the more. "So what about you?" she asked as the subway gradually slowed down.
"I'm working on my graduate degree. It's a lot of hard work, but it's nothing I can't handle."
Riley beamed at the sound of that. She always knew that he'd pursue his dream, even when he doubted himself. He could do nearly anything he set his mind to; he just needed to believe in himself. "I'm really proud of you, Lucas. I knew you could do it."
"Thanks," he returned, as the two stood up and made their way through the exit.
After a few moments of silence as they left the subway station, Riley somehow blurted, "You know, I was thinking," she started, but paused for a moment as she realized what she was doing. What's gotten into you?! her mind yelled, but the Maya part of her brain was urging her to finish what she had started saying.
Lucas turned to face her and raised an eyebrow. "You were thinking, what exactly?" he probed, trying to get her to finish her thought.
Like her typical self, Riley bit her lip and looked down at the ground in front of them before looking back up at him. It was like they were in high school again, in a way. The two of them standing around, too nervous to say anything – well, she was anyway. "I was, uh… I was thinking that maybe we should meet up sometime and catch up, ya know? It's been a while since we last talked, and I don't know about you but I really miss it."
"I think that sounds like a good idea," he responded.
A huge smile spread over Riley's lips as her heart pounded against her ribcage. Hope filled her chest as she yearned for what could happen. But it lasted only until she heard an unfamiliar voice call Lucas' name. When Lucas' head turned to face the woman calling to him, Riley allowed her smile to drop as her heart filled with pain, probably similar to what Lucas experienced that night. She didn't even know this woman, but she had a pretty good idea where she was.
A few seconds later, the woman, who stood a few inches shorter than Riley, approached the two, wrapped her arm around Lucas', and placed a kiss on his cheek – her long, caramel brown hair gently billowing in the breeze. "Hey, love! You almost ready to go?"
"Yeah, yeah. I was just talking to one of my friends from high school I ran into on the subway. You remember me telling you about Riley, right?"
She turned to face her and shook her head. "Of course! I'm so sorry, where are my manners? I'm Lauren," she said, her brown eyes shining in the autumn sun. "Lucas has told me so much about you!"
"So nice to meet you," Riley replied, trying her best not to let her emotions spill through as she eyed her. She couldn't really blame Lucas for moving on; she practically pushed him away! But that didn't stop the pain from seeping up into her heart. And Lauren was beautiful… sun kissed skin, bubbly, and confident – everything Riley wanted to be. She may have found her voice while in college, but even now, she always managed to lose it around Lucas. For some reason, only he had that effect on her. "Anyway, I should probably let you two go. You have plans and I don't want to keep you two. It was nice talking with you again, Lucas," she bid, her voice wavering ever so slightly.
Before she could see if Lucas noticed or not, Riley turned on her heel and headed towards her apartment as quickly as she could without making it look suspicious. Tears stung her eyes and her throat throbbed from trying to suppress her sobs as she weaved through the crowded sidewalks, trying her best to see through the watery gaze and not stumble into people.
Somehow, she managed to keep it all internalized until she closed the door to her tiny apartment. Riley leaned against the door and slowly slid down to the floor, finally allowing the tears to flow. She closed her eyes as a sob escaped from her throat. As much as she wanted to be happy for him, Riley couldn't deny that her heart was shattering into a million pieces. Her worst fear had come true.
She was too late.