Ok, this was written when the thing with the Mary-Sue stories was quite popular. The older of you might still remember it…

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Wrong Place and Everything, really

It was evening, and the yellow light of the setting sun, or at least what was able to penetrate through the sulfur fumes, harmonized perfectly with the almost black soil of the desert landscape of Mordor. However, something disturbed this harmony. It was not the group of Orcs, which, still somewhat sleepy, was on its way to work. No, it was something white and bright that lay a short distance off the path the Orcs were walking on.

The Orcs clustered curiously around the white lump, which on closer inspection turned out to be a dress, with a woman with long blond hair in it, complete with a bow and a quiver of arrows on her back. Had the Orcs had an appreciation for the aesthetics, they would have noticed that she was quite beautiful.

"What is that?" asked one of the Orcs curiously as he poked the figure with a grubby talon. The woman turned to her side, rubbing her still closed eyes, and muttered something unintelligible. At least to the orcs, because they had not learned Elvish. If they had, they would have heard: "Let me sleep, my darling." But otherwise, nothing else happened. Impatiently, another orc kicked her in the back. They had to get to work, after all. The woman blinked once or twice and suddenly came to life and jumped up.

Puzzled, she looked into the faces of the orcs surrounding her. For a while, they stared at each other in silence.
"I want my Elfy," she cried suddenly, and repeatedly in a shrill voice, pouting as she stomped her foot on the floor. The orcs had to cover their ears. "I'm Mary - Sue and I want my Elfy! I am entitled to and not such monsters!"

The shrillness of her voice was in fact even more unbearable than that of the flying beasts the Nazgul used. A well-aimed blow, however, resulted in a soothing quietness. "Let's bring her to the boss. He should know what to do with it, "said an orc, after the annoying ringing in their ears had finally disappeared.

The largest Orc shouldered the limp body and they continued on to Sauron's headquarters. Before his office door, she was unceremoniously dumped on the floor. This woke the woman up again and she spied Sauron through the open door.

"Elfy," she cried enthusiastically and ran towards the Dark Lord with outstretched arms. But she did not get very far. Before she even got halfway she was propelled into the wall of the office by a slightly hectic gesture of Sauron's arm. Her impact left a small crack in the wall. Good material and craftsmen are apparently no longer easy to get nowadays.

"I'm not an elf, you stupid woman. And certainly not the diminutive form. I strongly resent this suggestion, "growled the dark lord, apparently deeply insulted and crossed his arms over his chest. "But you're so pretty and you have pointy ears, so you are an Elfy." "I'm not pretty, I'm not female. Also, I am a Maia, Sauron responded with dignity, while he gave her a dirty look.

"A what," asked Mary - Sue confused, "as Maya my lapdog" "Like who," said Sauron, now also confused, to the penny dropped with him, "Lapdog?" Fume rose literally from the ears of the Dark lord. His right hand twisted around her neck and he lifted her and hissed: "You dare to compare me to a rat-like dog then? Maiar who are much better than elves? And especially me, the dark lord? "As his hand was still in a vice grip around her neck, Mary - Sue's response was merely a groan.

Sauron let go of her and wiped his hand with a handkerchief and sat in his chair, while the woman lay on the floor, gasping for air, where she had been dropped. Mary - Sue pulled herself up again and remembered that she had a weapon with her. "You're so mean, Elfy," she said, sulking like a little child who did not get their candy. "You're no Elfy," she said after a while and silent contemplation. "I have already told you that I am not an elf. Glad you realize that as well, "growled Sauron.

Mary - Sue, not paying attention to the dark lord, continued: "You're not Elfy, because you do not fall in love with me and do not obey. Therefore you have to die now."

Sauron looked on with amusement as she shot an arrow with amazing skill and speed. Giving off an air of profound boredom, Sauron raised his left arm, which caused the arrow to remain frozen in its path. The Dark Lord took the arrow, and broke it in half, and watched with a raised eyebrow as Mary – Sue's, jaw dropped and stared at him in disbelief.

"That is not how it is supposed to be", she started crying, "My shooting skills are outstanding, and this is so mean! Why are you not bending to my will? This is so unfair," she screeched. "Sauron rubbed his forehead and wished that someone had invented an effective headache remedy. He could not really endure high sounds like the howls and shrieks of Mary - Sue, unless it came to torture, but only if he was the torturer and not the tortuee. Vodelborscht, the personal servant of the dark ruler, solved this problem, however, by gagging Mary - Sue and chaining her up. Sauron sighed in relief, and watched as the woman tried to free herself of her bonds.

"Ah yes, the joys of silence," sighed Sauron, relieved. "Your Malice, what should we do now with her," asked Vodelborscht. "Hmmm, as the next meal? But she has too little meat on the ribs," Sauron answered. He studied Mary – Sue critically, who still struggled with her bonds. "Is it very difficult," he thought out loud, "we could use her as a weapon due to the screeching, although admittedly, we would shoot ourselves in our own foot with that."

"I have a suggestion," said Vodelborscht finally, after a longer pause, "the Ministry of the Development of new Torture Methods needs test subjects for their research department every now and then. Then we could easily dispose of her while she is still being put to good use. "Excellent idea, Vodelborscht" agreed Sauron. "That would really be the best solution for our hearing and nerves, because the rooms at the research department are completely soundproofed."

And in this way, everything went back to normal in Mordor again.