Thank you to Princess2018 for giving me this story idea a very long time ago. I genuinely love writing these kinds of crack-fics, especially from Clint Barton's POV. I wish he was like this more in the movies (or actually in the movies lol).

Also, this is possibly my favourite fanfic of mine to date so it just had to be published before the release of Avengers: Endgame and on my birthday.

Please keep in mind that Clint's family from AoU is NOT CANON here. I have nothing against them; it just ruins the jive of the story and to be honest, I was a Clintasha shipper from day one (and still am).

All rights go to where they belong. I do not own these characters. I just hope you enjoy this :)

Day One: Cap's a What?

"Come on!" Clint exclaims grunting with all of his might as he pulls against the chain. "I already paid my price so you're supposed to cooperate!"

Clint grasps on the cold metal so hard that he can feel his biceps about to pop out (not to the extent Captain America would have when doing something as simple as turning on the faucet, but in that range of power). He exhales exhaustedly, tightening his fingers so hard that they turn completely white. But, when nothing on the other end budges, he finally gives up, dropping the small chain and leaving it to dangle. He's embarrassed and defeated. He's one of SHIELD's master assassins and an Avenger and yet, he couldn't detach a stupid grocery cart from its row.

Clint sighs at himself, wiping the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand.

"Great…" Clint mutters bitterly. "Now my hands smell like rusty metal."

Clint wipes his hands on his shirt as he walks away from the cursed grocery carts and resorts to using a basket. Other people and employees of the grocery store stare at him strangely, some parents hide their young children behind them; and Clint whistles casually as he starts his shopping. If only they knew that he was an Avenger who saved them from that alien invasion, then they would not only be starstruck but give him their shopping cart.

Speaking of New York's alien invasion, that happened two years ago and it's only now that Clint got his well-deserved time off. It's just that SHIELD had so much to deal with in terms of, what they called, intergalactic relations with the new emergence of aliens, gods, unknown power sources, and the successful development of The Avengers. So for that alone, they needed all the agents they could have, even those still training in the Academy (though they were given more basic tasks like organizing files and answering calls). And because Clint was brainwashed by Loki, he was debriefed to the T on what happened with Loki and if he still remembers it all.

Lucky for the other Avengers, they just got to leave after their shawarma outing.

Yup. Even after being brainwashed, fighting aliens, and almost dying; SHIELD still found it necessary to juice him to a pulp. But at least they gave him his time off, right?

Right?

Putting his pettiness towards SHIELD to the side, Clint decided to spend his first day of vacation - or freedom - by restocking his apartment with food. He came back from work only to find rotting food growing new life specimens and so he had to put on a gas mask and hazmat suit just to dispose of it. Then, he had to decontaminate his entire kitchen and air out his apartment because aside from the growing population on his food, his place looked inhabited for decades.

It was a long morning, but now he's hungry and needs to stock up.

Clint starts in the cereal aisle, looking at all the colourful boxes and prices, trying to debate with himself on which kind of cereal is better. There were some dull and boring boxes, but they were averagely priced and healthy. But then, there are the bright and vibrant boxes and even though their prices are all over the place, they were full of sugary goodness and sometimes toys.

"This one has a 25% chance of having a toy bow and arrow on it!" Clint exclaims excitedly, throwing a few boxes into his basket just to increase his chances of getting his desired prize.

Before Clint could continue his venture through the grocery store, he feels his phone ringing in his pocket. He looks at the screen and sees that the caller ID says Natasha's name. Clint answers it, about to tell her about the amazing morning he had so far but when he opens his mouth to start talking, the other side starts and it's not Natasha. It's a voice recording and it's still not Natasha. It's Alexander Pierce.

An annoyed shiver runs down Clint's spine. He didn't expect to hear the voice from one of his bosses on his day off. It has barely been one day. This was probably a practical joke from Natasha and he was so going to get her back for it. That is until he heard what the voice memo was saying:

'Captain Rogers has information regarding the death of Director Fury. As difficult as this is to accept, Captain America is a fugitive from SHIELD.'

The call abruptly ends and Clint can't help himself but laugh. That was the best joke ever: Fury being dead and Steve a criminal. What's next? Stark's bankrupt? Natasha's not a natural redhead? Thor's secretly a human? Bruce is a high-school dropout?

That sense of humour was all he needed after his trauma from New York. For all he knows, all of that is just a ruse to get him to clock in.

But his view changes when his phone starts getting messages from almost every SHIELD agent who has access to his number and they're all telling him the same thing: Fury's dead, Cap's wanted, Romanoff's MIA (and most likely with Steve), and for him to come into work. Clint is wary now because SHIELD would never go along with a simple prank from Natasha, especially after New York.

That means it must be true and if it was, then it is certainly hard to believe. But even good people can do bad things if given just a little bit of reason. Steve definitely has a story for whatever Pierce was talking about and Natasha is probably with him. Fury is a different story that he didn't want to look further into.

Either way, he's not going to work. Not only is it his time off but he doesn't want to get involved in that mess.

Instead, Clint ditches the basket of sugary cereal for a box of bran cereal because that whiplash of news is going to paralyze his digestive system for sure.

-o-

A few hours later, Clint comes out of the bathroom with the sound of the toilet flushing and air freshener filling the room (as well as the scent of whatever fresh laundry means. Speaking of fresh laundry, he doesn't have any which he should probably change, but maybe later). He shouldn't have eaten all that bran cereal to cope with the possibly fake news of Fury being dead and Steve a fugitive but now, he feels refreshed and cleansed on the inside. He literally feels ten pounds lighter. And now his place smells fresh which is a bonus for everyone.

Clint heads over to the couch and takes a seat, accidentally sitting on the remote. He pulls it out from underneath him and turns on the television. It's a news station and his jaw drops open when he sees the breaking news is live footage of a helicarrier flown right into the Triskelion with the caption: SHIELD HAS BEEN INFILTRATED BY HYDRA.

Clint has no words or a sarcastic comment towards that situation. It is truly mind-boggling for him. Once the television starts talking about something, it's no longer a joke. Especially if it was coming from the mainstream news.

Clint gets up and runs into the kitchen. He pours himself some more bran cereal into a pitcher of coffee he possibly made this morning. Clint swishes it around together before drinking it like a casual beverage, chewing the partially-mushy cereal pieces. He heads back to the living room and takes another seat. Combining two diuretics is not a great idea but he would rather deal with his bodily shit than whatever shit SHIELD is going through.

Clint glances back at the television and raises the volume to hear the leaked audio recording of Steve exposing HYDRA earlier.

'Attention all SHIELD agents. This is Steve Rogers. You've heard a lot about me over the past few days. Some of you were even ordered to hunt me down.'

Clint nods his head. He was one of the agents asked to do that but he opted out and pretended he never got the call. Even if he was out on the field pointing an arrow at his spangled friend, he would just point him in the right way to get the hell away from SHIELD.

'But I think it's time that you know the truth…SHIELD is not what we thought it was. It's been taken over by HYDRA. Alexander Pierce is their leader.'

Clint grits his teeth together. That son of a -

'Striker and his side crew are HYDRA as well and I don't know how much more, but I know that they're in the building. They could be standing right next to you. They almost have what they want: absolute control. They shot Nick Fury and it won't end there. If you launch those helicarriers today, they will be able to kill anyone who stands in their way unless we stop them. I know I'm asking for a lot but the price of freedom is high; always has been, but it's a price I'm willing to pay. And if I'm the only one then so be it, but I'm willing to bet that I'm not.'

Clint exhales. That was a lot to take in and he's glad he'll have a lot to push out later. He's just confused as to why this had to happen the one time he has time off. Like, how unbelievable is that? At least he now knows that Steve isn't a criminal. The real criminals were the ones calling him the criminal so therefore, they were the criminals.

Clint takes out his phone to text the group chat and sees what he should do now. Maybe he'll even find out Natasha's location.

[Group Chat - Fury's Angels]

Clint: What the hell is happening? What do I do?

Fury: Just don't fuck up.

Clint: …wow, you should be a motivational speaker.

Fury: I don't need your attitude right now.

Clint: it's sarcasm :)

Clint: WAIT, I THOUGHT YOU DIED!

And now, there's no answer. Sometimes, no answer is an answer all on its own. Or maybe there was no emojis catered to supposedly dead people with eye-patches. (That answer was probably the right one).

Some people exist in your life to make it better and others exist to make it worse. Too much is happening all at once. He is overwhelmed with old memories and new impressions. Captain America was a fugitive, Director Fury is possibly dead, SHIELD is infiltrated by HYDRA, his boss is HYDRA, and all of SHIELD's secrets are now exposed to the world. This all seemed like one big crack-fic located on the internet but it's real life. He was off for one day and now he feels betrayed. Maybe he should've shown up to work and none of this maybe wouldn't have happened (he says as if his presence is that notable).

It sucks when life moves on without you, but sometimes, it's better to just watch it implode from the sidelines. As long as he wasn't getting burned, which he wasn't, he couldn't care less about what happened.

"Whatever," Clint states, deciding to go nap instead. Maybe he'll wake up and this would've all been a dream. And if he sleeps with the sheets over his head, that'll definitely keep HYDRA away from him.

Yes, I'm aware that Hawkeye was supposed to be in CATWS. I honestly wish he was but then this chapter wouldn't exist.

Stay Tuned - What was Clint up to while Thanos was completing his rock collection?