A/N: I had an urge to do a semi-angsty Valentine's day JoLu one-shot. So this is it! I've had this idea bouncing around in my head for a few weeks now and I figured that I'd put my idea down :) As you'll see, it's semi-AUish and it's a bit different than how I usually write JoLu but I hope you guys like it! Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day!
No, I don't believe you
When you say don't come around here no more
I won't remind you
You said we wouldn't be apart
No, I don't believe you
When you say you don't need me anymore
So don't pretend to
Not love me at all…
"I Don't Believe You" – Pink
I Don't Believe You
The one thing that Lulu hated more than anything else in this world was being divorced.
"Keith! Maddy! Your dad will be here any moment!"
Lulu paused for a moment, waiting for confirmation that her children had heard her call them. She heard at least one pair of footsteps coming down the stairs and immediately reached for the honey that she had taken out of the cupboard for the cup of tea that she was making. Her heart skipped when she heard the familiar roar of a car engine and her gaze rose to the window, spotting a yellow Mustang in her driveway.
Why the hell did he bring that car?
She could feel her breath grow cold in her chest as her ex – well, soon to be – ex-husband climbed out of the car. They had been separated for a few months now and they had gone through a few rather disastrous divorce mediation meetings. Her personal favorite was when she chucked her three and a half carat Tiffany's engagement ring at him and told him that he was a heartless bastard and he could burn in hell.
Not exactly her finest moment.
"Daddy's here!"
Her five year old daughter, Maddy – short for Madeline, of course – ran to the front door upon hearing the knock at the door. Lulu swallowed hard and closed her eyes as Maddy opened the door for her father.
"Daddy!" Maddy chirped.
Lulu heard her daughter giggle as she was hoisted up into her father's arms. Despite all of his blatant personality flaws, he was a good dad. Surely, it would easier to hate him if he wasn't a good dad but he was wonderful with the kids. The best even. She probably should've been thankful that he had just been a rotten husband and not a rotten father on top of that but it would make her selfish need to hate him for springing the divorce on her a hell of a lot easier.
"Keith! Your dad is here!" Lulu called, stirring her tea with a spoon.
She heard Keith enter the kitchen and she looked up from her tea and smiled. Being a parent was the biggest head trip in the world. It just seemed like yesterday that the nurse put the most precious little boy in her arms and in a blink of an eye, he was seven years old. Keith shrugged his backpack off and went into his mother's warm embrace and Lulu kissed the top of his dark brown hair.
"I don't have to go to dad's house if you don't want me to." Keith whispered.
Lulu smiled and squeezed him tighter. Keith was her constant protector, even more so since her trip to the hospital and the subsequent separation from her husband.
"No, you go and have fun at your dad's house, ok?" Lulu assured him and Keith nodded.
Lulu heard the familiar sound of his boots walking into the room and she sighed, trying not to show any type of emotion. She wouldn't allow him the satisfaction of knowing that she was still a wreck inside because of the divorce. He was the one who had served her the papers – in the hospital of all places! – He was the one who moved out of their house. He was the one who wouldn't take her phone calls or listen to her when she begged him not to shut her out of his life.
Frankly, Johnny Zacchara had done enough damage.
"Look, Mommy! Daddy's wearing red too!"
Hearing Maddy's squeaky voice, Lulu turned around and she took in her ex's appearance. He was dressed in dark jeans and a fitted red button-up shirt that was open and revealed a plain white cotton t-shirt. All of this was underneath the black peacoat that she had bought him two Christmases ago.
God, she hated him for still looking good.
"He's wearing red because it's Valentine's Day, Maddy…" Keith said, a twinge of exasperation seeping into his voice.
"Are you going to be Mommy's valentine this year?" Maddy asked.
Crap.
He gave Lulu a small smile, knowing that they both had to put on a good face for the kids, as he set their daughter down and ruffled up Keith's hair as both of their children waited for an answer. They had told the kids about the divorce but it didn't make sense to the two of them. It was difficult enough to explain to two kids under the age of eight why daddy moved out of the house and why he wasn't coming back to live with the three of them but it was even more difficult to explain when Lulu didn't even know the answer to the question herself.
"Why don't you be Daddy's valentine this year, Maddy?" Lulu asked, obviously trying to deflect her daughter's attention away from her.
"Do you two have everything?" Johnny quickly asked, looking away from Lulu.
The gesture hurt more than she would care to admit. After everything that they had went through, he couldn't even look at her anymore. Did all of those years mean nothing to him? Hadn't he been the one to show up on her doorstep – completely plastered of course – and beg her to marry him because his life was "meaningless" without her in it?
Apparently, Johnny had selective amnesia.
"I need my sled!" Keith cried.
"Well go get it then! And hurry, we've got quite a drive to Crimson Pointe and I want to get there before it starts snowing and the roads close." Johnny said.
"I can't…" Keith said, pouting.
"Why not?" Johnny asked.
"It's in the attic and Mommy says that I can't go up to the attic because it's too dangerous." Keith said, shooting a look at his mother and Johnny let out an exasperated sigh.
"Fine… I'll be right back…" Lulu said.
She turned on her heel and dashed upstairs. Anything to get her away from that man and all of the painful memories that he conjured up. She reached for the hatch to the attic but stopped when a larger hand came up next to hers and grabbed the handle. She whipped around sharply and was met with Johnny's sheepish expression.
"Sorry, Keith insisted that I come up and help you…" he whispered.
The small staircase leading up to the attic fell to her feet and she did her best to muster up a scowl.
"It's fine… I've got it…" she snapped before climbing up the narrow staircase.
She heard a chuckle pass over his lips and her heart melted slightly at the sound. It had been so long since she had heard him laugh. The attic was dark and dusty, chocked full of boxes of stuff that belonged to her parents that Lulu was holding onto. Laura Spencer's prized rocking chair was sitting in a corner near the window and sitting on top of a pile of boxes behind the chair was Keith's red sled that had been a belated birthday present from his grandfather.
"There!" Lulu said, pointing to the sled.
And that's when the hatch slammed shut.
Johnny immediately lunged at the small door but it was too late, it was locked. After attempting to force the door to open, Johnny threw his hands up in the air in exasperation and gave Lulu a look that confirmed her worst nightmare.
She was stuck in an attic with her scumbag soon-to-be-ex-husband on Valentine's Day.
Great.
If looks could kill, Johnny would've been dead in an instant because the look that he was receiving from his ex was lethal. He probably deserved it. After everything that he had done to destroy the life that she had built for the two of them and their children, he was surprised that she hadn't killed him yet. He looked away and pounded his hand on the attic door, hoping that one of their children would hear.
"Keith? Keith!" Johnny called.
"Mom? Dad?" Keith asked.
"We're up here, Keith! The door closed on us and we're locked in… listen to me, you need to go to a phone and call your Aunt Maxie and tell her to come over…" Johnny said.
"No." Keith said flatly.
His son's defiance caught him off guard. He was always such a good and obedient kid, mischievous as ever but still a wonderful kid. Lulu was clearly taken aback as well since the look on her face mirrored his own shocked expression.
"No? What do you mean no?" Johnny asked.
"I'm not gonna call Auntie Maxie until you and Mommy make up!" his son cried and Lulu immediately strode over to where Johnny was and knelt against the door.
"Keith Lorenzo Zacchara, go and call Maxie or so help me you will be grounded until you're in high school, do you understand me?" Lulu growled.
Lulu definitely knew how to instill the fear in their kids because Keith came back a few minutes later, stating that Maxie was going to try to leave work as soon as she could but a crisis had erupted at Crimson and she didn't know how long it was going be before she could even leave the office.
"Great… just great… I'm stuck with you in this damn attic because our seven year old son wants us to get back together!" she hissed.
"Keith's still young, Lulu… he doesn't understand why his parents, who were in love for as long as he can remember, aren't together anymore…" Johnny sighed.
"And whose fault is that?" she asked.
She was right: it was his fault. He had done so many things to ruin her life and their children's lives. He had already put his children at a disadvantage with his choice of career and the constant danger that his career brought into their lives. The least that he could do was to make sure that Lulu and their kids had the best possible life.
Even if he wasn't in it.
"I'm not denying it, Lulu… I'm just—" he started.
"You know what? Just stop talking, Johnny… the less I have to talk to you, the better…" she grumbled.
She turned away from him and put her face in her hands. He would probably never get used to seeing her despise him as she did now. He had taken something so beautiful and sacred, her love, and shot it all to hell. He knew that she would hate him for the divorce but it was for the best. He knew that deep down in his heart that it was for the best. He looked up at her as her soft cries filled the attic and he immediately felt his heart drop to the bottom of his stomach. He always hated to see her cry, especially over him.
"I'm sorry, Lu…" he said, letting his nickname for her easily slip into his speech.
"For what? What are you sorry for this time? For getting involved with me against your better judgment? For marrying me when you knew that you were emotionally stunted? What is it, Johnny? Are you sorry that we started a family together—" she started.
"I will never be sorry for having Maddy and Keith! Those two kids are the best thing that I've ever done! And I will never be sorry for the time that we had together…" he said firmly.
"Then why—" she whispered but her voice broke into another sob.
A lump that seemed like the size of a grapefruit formed in his throat as he heard her cry. He knew that he was a horrible person but god, he really hated himself sometimes. He hated himself for making her cry and for committing that most egregious mistake of all: making her fall in love with him.
Because it almost killed her.
"You know why we can't be married anymore, Lu…" he whispered and she shook her head.
"It wasn't your fault, Johnny…" she cried.
But it was his fault. He had brought her into his world of violence and madness, thinking that he could protect her, but ultimately he had failed. His naivety almost got her killed and he would never forgive himself for that and she shouldn't either.
"You wouldn't have even been at the warehouse if I hadn't asked you to meet me…" he said, shaking his head.
"How could you have known that the Santoro family was going to attack the warehouse that day?" she asked.
"I should've known that the warehouse wasn't safe for you, Lulu… I wasn't thinking…" he started.
That night changed his life.
He was running late to meet her and there were papers that needed to be signed at the warehouse. He had just been so busy lately with work, failing to spend time with her and Maddy and Keith, and he just wanted everything to be perfect for their anniversary dinner but Lulu calmly told him that she would just meet him at the warehouse and they would go to dinner from there. He couldn't help but to smile as he heard her infectious laughter coming from downstairs as she waited for him to take her out to dinner.
And that's when he heard the sharp crack of repeated rounds of gunfire.
A guard threw him to the ground, covering Johnny, as the sound of the windows shattering filled his eardrums. When silence fell upon the warehouse, Johnny shoved the guard off him and made his way downstairs, screaming his wife's name, and when he found her, crimson blood staining her cream colored dress, he cradled her limp body to his chest, tears streaming down his face, begging her to hold on.
He shook his head, trying to banish those memories back into the depths of his mind. As horrifying as the image of holding his wife's body in his arms, a part of him didn't want to ever forget the feeling of being completely helpless because it would make him stay away from her. Those memories would keep her safe from him. He let out a sigh as he felt her near him.
"Johnny…" she whispered, holding his face in his hands, and he shook his head.
"I sat by your bedside for days… begging you to come back to me and to Maddy and Keith… and then I realized that I put you in that bed… I put you into the line of fire and I—" he started.
"But I'm ok..." she whispered as she pressed her forehead to his.
"That doesn't mean that the next time you will be…" he countered.
"But you love me, Johnny!" she sobbed.
To simply say that she was right and that he loved her would be such an insult to what was in his heart. He didn't just love her, he wasn't complete without her. He loved her with such a passion and fervor that it scared him. He had just been a silly and reckless boy when he met her and she turned him into a man. She made him a husband and a father, two roles that he held sacred.
She was the love of his life.
He remembered sitting at her bedside, listening to the steady beeping of her heart monitor and watching her sleep. He recalled the lump in his throat that came as he tried to explain to his two small children about their mom having a bad "accident" and needing to get a lot of sleep in order to get better. He watched as Keith repeatedly tug at his mother's hospital gown, tearfully asking her to wake up, and Johnny knew that he had to walk away. He couldn't go through this again and he couldn't risk this happening to one of his kids either. He didn't want to see Lulu standing beside one of their children's bedsides, begging them to come back.
He just couldn't.
"It—It doesn't matter how much I love you if you're dead… or what if—what if, god forbid, something happened to Maddy or Keith?" he whispered.
"But they're fine! We're all fine! I knew the risks when I got involved with you… I chose to be with you, Johnny…" she said.
"I can't, Lulu… I'd be selfish if I gave in and we got back together… the best thing that I can do for you is to keep my distance from you and the kids…" he said.
"So you're just going to deny those two kids a full-time dad? You're going to deny me the man that I love?" she asked.
Her voice broke off as she asked that painful question and he looked away. He couldn't bear to look at her like this, knowing that she was in so much pain, knowing that her pain mirrored his own. She turned away from him and started to walk away from him but he caught her wrist and pulled her back into his arms. He hadn't been this close to her in ages. He could smell the sweet and subtle scent of her perfume, feel her breath on his skin, and see the teardrops on her eyelashes. His hand gently caressed her cheek and she exhaled at his touch.
"You think that this isn't killing me? Being away from you and our family is the hardest thing that I've ever had to do…" he whispered hoarsely.
And he couldn't do it any longer.
Before the thought even registered in his mind, his lips were on hers, reveling in softness and the sweetness of her kiss and he wondered how he could've ever walked away from this. Her body molded with his as he pulled her into him, wanting to make her his again and for the rest of their lives.
"Oh!"
Lulu immediately broke away from Johnny's lips and looked away and was met with the trademark smirk of Lulu's best friend, Maxie Jones. Lulu immediately backed away, her face turning a shade of bright red.
"Oh, don't part on my account…" Maxie giggled.
"Thanks, Maxie…" Lulu said, wiping her eyes and making her way over to the door.
"Mommy!" Keith cried, leaping into Lulu's arms.
Lulu wrapped her arms around their young son and kissed his hair. Maxie cleared her throat, snapping Johnny out of his trance, and he turned his attention to her. Her arms were folded across her chest and she was tapping her five inch designer pumps on their hardwood floor. Lulu was too engrossed with mildly scolding Keith for his attitude earlier and Johnny felt a tug on the collar of his shirt.
"This may be your only chance to make things right before you cause irreparable damage, Zacchara…" Maxie muttered.
What exactly was the right thing to do? He could stay away from his family but did he want to? Did he want to condemn himself to a life without them? Could he live the rest of his life just seeing her briefly as they dropped off the kids, just saying two words to each other like they had for the past few months? Could he bear to watch her date or fall in love with another man? Watch as that man became the permanent father fixture in their lives?
The sheer thought of it made him want to punch a wall.
Lulu watched as the snow gently blanketed her expansive front lawn. The wind was calm and gentle as it guided the snow down from the sky and Lulu took a sip of her hot chocolate. She heard a sharp crackle from behind her and she turned around to see Johnny turning one of the logs in the fireplace with the poker. She smiled slightly and walked back over towards her favorite chair beside roaring fire.
"I finally got Keith to sleep… he said that he misses me tucking him in at night…" he said softly.
Maddy had fallen asleep during the entire ordeal of her parents being locked upstairs in the attic and Johnny didn't want to wake her in order to take her to Crimson Pointe. Keith practically begged Lulu to let Johnny stay over until after dinner and Lulu relented, even though she wanted him out of her house and for him to take all of the those feelings that he conjured up with him.
"They both miss you…" she said, setting her mug down beside her.
"And what about you?" he asked, looking up at her.
"What about me?" she asked.
"Do you miss me?" he asked.
She looked away, unable to look at him for another second. He always asked the questions that she didn't want to answer. He knew that she missed him. He knew that she wanted him back more than anything else but her stupid pride was standing in the way.
Because frankly, she had done enough begging to last her a lifetime.
"I'm sorry… I didn't mean—" he started.
"What are you sorry for this time?" she asked.
In one swift motion, he walked over to the desk and picked up the large manila folder that was sitting on top. The folder that held the divorce papers that he had sent her but she didn't have the heart to sign. Signing those papers meant that her marriage to Johnny was over and to her, it was anything but. Johnny may have been ready or willing to let go but she wasn't ready. How could she ever be ready to let him walk out of her life?
"These… I'm sorry for these…" he whispered, holding up the papers.
And with that, he tossed the papers into the fireplace. She watched as the flames consumed those worthless pieces of paper, turning them into ash, and she felt that all of the breath was sucked out of her body. He couldn't be doing this, could he? After months of tears, screams, arguments… was he coming around? Did she finally get through to him?
"What're you saying?" she breathed and he sighed as he took her hands in his.
"I'm saying that I want to come home… if you'll let me…" he said, looking straight up into her eyes.
His eyes were bright and shining, filled with love and the millions of apologies that she was sure that would come later but all of that could wait because he just uttered the words that she had been waiting to hear for what seemed like an eternity.
He wanted to come back to her.
She pressed her forehead to his and exhaled shakily. She could feel his tension slowly diffuse from his body as she laced her fingertips in his and by the time her lips touched his, it had completely disappeared. They fell to the carpet beside the roaring fireplace and her body emphatically said yes to him, welcoming him back home and back into her arms.
"So does this mean that I get my ring back?" she asked as his arms snaked around her bare waist and he let out a laugh.
The fire had begun to simmer down as the night trudged on but still had the intensity to bathe her and Johnny in its glow. His fingers gently ran through her curls, a gesture that she thought that she would never feel again… one that she would now savor for the rest of her life.
"I'll buy you ten thousand rings if that's what you want…" he chuckled.
"You don't have to get me anything because you already gave me the greatest gift I could ever ask for… you came back to me…" she said, slightly letting her emotions get the better of her.
"It's where I belong…" he muttered against her skin.
She shifted so that she was lying beneath him and looked up into his eyes. They were both where they belonged: in each other's arms, with their two beautiful children asleep upstairs. Thinking about Keith and Maddy, a small smile came to her lips. They were going to be so thrilled when they announced that she and Johnny were going to be getting back together but that could wait until tomorrow morning because she right now it was still Valentine's Day and she just wanted to spend the last few hours of it in his arms.
"Happy Valentine's Day, Lulu…" he whispered before pressing a kiss to her lips.
And it really was.