At the dimming of the day, a life on mars fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Life on Mars, it all belongs to the people at Kudos and the BBC. I'm just borrowing a couple of the characters and having a play around with them. I promise they'll be nice and clean when I hand them back :) I also don't own the song used here, 'Dimming of the Day' by Bonnie Raitt. It's a gorgeous song, and I thoroughly encourage you to legally download it and listen to it.

Summary: Sam/Gene slash pairing (meaning m/m - so if you don't like that kind of lovin', don't read!) Sam's disappeared, and Gene doesn't know anything about it apart from the fact that it's slowly tearing him apart.

Other info: I wrote this with the song by Bonnie Raitt practically on repeat as I did so. You've got to hear the song, it's achingly beautiful and as soon as I heard it, the fic pretty much jumped into my head fully formed. Parts in italics are flashbacks. Reviews make my heart do a little happy dance :).

Dimming of the Day

"This old house is falling down around my ears
I'm drowning in a river of my tears
When all my will is gone you hold me sway
I need you at the dimming of the day

You pulled me like the moon
Pulls on the tide
You know just where I keep my better side

What days have come to keep us far apart
A broken promise or a broken heart
Now all the bonny birds have wheeled away
I need you at the dimming of the day

Come the night you're only what I want
Come the night you could be my confidant

I see you the street and in company
Why don't you come and rest your mind with me
I'm living for the night we steal away
I need you at the dimming of the day
I need you at the dimming of the day..."

Gene Hunt stood in the middle of the room in an unfamiliar pose. His arms were wrapped protectively around himself and one hand was raised to his face where his thumb and forefinger were pressed tightly into his eyes, trying to stop the tears from falling. It wasn't working. He let out a long, shuddering sigh and dropped his hand back to his chest, sniffing. Had it really been three months since he'd lived here? He looked around - everything was the same, just as he'd left it. He hadn't touched anything and he didn't feel like he could even if he'd wanted to. He looked at the table, still with a glass sat on it patiently waiting for someone to come and move it into the sink. Gene thought he could see finger smudges on the glass and pictured the hand those fingers were attached to. The hand linked to an arm, which linked to a shoulder which linked to a neck and a head and suddenly, Gene had a fully grown image sat at the table in front of him.

"Oh, God I miss you so much, Sam" he muttered to himself, feeling the tears dripping from his chin but no longer caring. No one could see him anyway. He'd found himself standing at the same front door he'd kicked in so many times before without really knowing why he was there. He'd just followed his feet straight after the shift had finished, even refusing the offer of a drink at the Railway. Ray and Chris were stunned, but Annie had taken note of the Gov's downcast mood throughout the day and had merely nodded at him when he'd caught her eye. She knew why. She understood what today was.

Slowly, Gene made his way over to sit at one of the few chairs Sam had owned, and pulled it up to the table. He sat and just looked around, remembering everything as memories came flooding into his mind.

"c'mon Gene, it isn't going to kill you - just try it" Sam sat down at the table after plonking the plate down in front of the Gov and laughed at his horrified expression.

"What… is it?" Gene had asked, picking up his fork anyway and prodding at the piece of food as though it was going to turn around and bite him any second. Sam smiled.

"It's mushroom wrapped in Palma ham with melted cheese in the middle. It's nice, I promise" he'd smirked as Gene cut off a small portion and skewered it on his fork, before raising it to his lips. Sam waited a moment, whilst Gene chewed, a thoughtful expression on his face.

"Y'know what" Gene said eventually, mouth still partially full "That ain't too bad, Sammy boy" Sam nodded triumphantly and poured the Gov some wine as he cut off another piece "the missus would never attempt something like this, that's for sure" he laughed. The man opposite him at the table leveled a look in his direction, smiling. The evening was going well.

Gene's reality slowly faded back into place and he coughed, looking across the table and wishing he could turn back time. He noticed a shirt he'd stepped over on his way to the chair and from his seated position, bent forward to pick it up from the floor. He held it between his hands for a while before bunching the material and lifting it, inhaling Sam's scent that still lingered between the folds of material. The smell brought a smile to his face.

"Bloody inconsiderate git sprayed his blood all over my shirt!" Gene hollered as he stormed into the locker room undoing his tie knot, Sam behind him, rubbing a tired hand over his face.

"Yes well that does tend to happen when you slam a suspect's face into a brick wall, Gene!" he chastised, shrugging off his coat to fold it over his arm. For some reason the locker room was always about ten degrees warmer than the rest of the building.

"Bastard shouldn't have tried to run away then, should he?" Gene answered, undoing the last couple of buttons on his shirt and turning to face the younger detective. "What gets out blood?" he asked him then. Sam looked at him, questioning.

"How the bloody hell should I know?" he replied, shrugging his shoulders

"Well, you know everything, don't you?" Gene cocked his head, still expecting an answer.

"Rub salt into it before you wash it with warm water" Sam responded after a minute, suddenly remembering the tip he'd received from his mum, still 20 years to come in the future. Gene smiled.

"see - you know everything" he said. Sam couldn't work out whether he was being sarcastic or not.

"Shit" Gene exclaimed then, having turned to face his locker again.

"what?" Sam asked from the other side of the room

"I must've taken my spare shirt home or something, I haven't bloody got anything else to wear!" Gene slammed his locker door shut and looked at the blood splattered shirt in his hands. He couldn't put it back on, could he? He considered it for a moment…well, if needs must…

"Here" he looked up in time to catch the material being thrown at him from across the room

"You are having a laugh? I'll never get into this" he glared at the man who'd just thrown the garment at him. Sam merely grinned.

"It's either wear a shirt that's too small, or wear a shirt covered in some dirty bastard's blood. Know which one I'd choose" he reasoned, making his way to the door. He looked over his shoulder as he reached the doorframe and snorted. Gene was still standing there, looking perplexed. "I cannot believe you're actually thinking about it, Gov" he said, not unreasonably.

And so, Gene Hunt had spent the rest of the day smelling of Old Spice instead of Brut and wearing a shirt two sizes too small on the collar and with buttons that fought hard at the thread holding them in place. Sam had never asked for the shirt back and Gene had never offered it.

Gene dropped the shirt into his lap and lent forward, elbows resting on the table and his head in his palms. Three months. Had it really only been three months since that afternoon? It had felt like a lifetime had passed since Sam had said he was going out for some air and hadn't come back. Just, gone. Disappeared. No-one had heard anything, seen anything. No-one knew where he'd gone - or why. And it was the why that was tearing Gene apart. Sam had been happy. Gene knew Sam had been happy, he liked to think that he'd caused some of the smiles he remembered seeing so often on the DI's face in the months leading up to him disappearing. Annie remembered him telling her he felt a bit 'funny' that morning, but he'd blamed it on a dodgy pint the night before and Annie had let it slide. Now Gene was pulling at his hair trying to think of anything that pointed to Sam wanting to disappear into thin air without so much as a warning. He ran his hands over his head and again went through every single little memory he had of that week. Despite himself, he smiled at one in particular.

"Damn it, Gene - just LISTEN to me, will you?" Sam was in front of the older man, both palms flat against his chest, pleading with him. Sam Tyler was pleading with him. "If you take that money, that will be it. He will own you. You'll have a price and he will be more than willing to pay it in the future" They were standing in the locker room, Sam having bustled Gene in there after practically dragging him out the Lost and Found mid-interview with a ridiculously wealthy business owner who was blatantly offering a huge amount of money for Gene to turn a blind eye to the small drugs factory he had in a back store room. Gene had looked worryingly close to considering the offer, and that's when Sam had hauled him outside.

"What's the big deal, Sammy boy? It's just a bit of dope, not going to do any harm, it isn't like it's Heroin or anything major. Plus, I could happily pay off my mortgage with what he's just put on the table in there!" Gene shrugged his shoulders and Sam couldn't believe his ears.

"Gene, Gov, please. Think about this. It starts with Cannabis, but when the kids that are buying it get bored and don't get high any more, they want more. And when they can't afford more, they start stealing to get the money. And then when they've got all the money they need, they still don't get a high 'cause they're too damn used to the breeze now. So they want something different, something that WILL give them that high - so they go looking for someone that will give it to them and then suddenly the whole cycle starts again and another kid is doomed before its even started out properly. Please don't do this, Gov. If you take that money, you are giving that man a license to wreck lives and you are a damn sight better than that. I know you are". Sam practically had tears in his eyes now. How many times in 2006 had he had to tell distraught parents that the bruised and battered body found in a squat somewhere with a needle sticking out their arm was once their little boy or girl?

Gene looked at the younger man and registered the emotions coming from him in waves. He stood in front of him, breathing hard.

"You honestly believe I'm better than that?" he asked then, watching Sam's eyes.

"I know you are" Sam repeated, honestly. Gene nodded, stepping forward then and wrapping Sam in his arms.

"Okay, Sammy boy, okay" he said into Sam's shoulder, and he felt the younger man relax into him. Then he stepped back and quickly brushed his lips against Sam's, grinning at the familiar feeling of warmth that spread through him at the touch. Had it really been 2 months they'd been having this 'thing' between them now? He pulled away, reluctantly. "Now then, let's go back in there and kick some scummy arse" he smiled and started off to the door.

"Hey, Gene" Sam called out to him. Gene turned.

"Yeah?"

"I'm proud of you" Sam smiled, and followed his Gov back onto the corridor.

Sam had got to Gene like no-one else had ever managed. It was like the man could see what Gene was thinking half the time and that had unnerved him at first, but he'd almost gotten used to it, even liked it. It was like constantly having a back up if the shit ever edged towards the fan. Gene knew that Sam would be there for him and hoped that Sam had known that he'd always be there for him. Gene shook his head, wondering if there was something, anything he could have done or said to have stopped Sam from walking away. That's what he'd trained himself to think now - Sam had just walked outside for some air and had carried on walking. It hurt too much to think that he might be in danger, or even that he was lying dead somewhere. The entire team had searched everywhere for a body after that first week had passed. Gene had even ordered a trawl of the canal, but nothing. He'd kicked down every door to every possible hostage taker and found nothing. He had even done his own little radio appeal, but nothing came back. He even considered talking to Annie about something Sam had said to him recently about "being called away suddenly" but decided against it. She knew as much as he did about that, he realised as he looked at her almost distraught face. And so he was completely lost. Lost without Sam by his side.

It had grown dark by the time Gene opened his eyes. He didn't remember falling asleep, and he certainly didn't remember crawling onto Sam's bed to do it. He lay there for a long time, eyes opening and closing rhythmically as his vision adjusted to the darkness. He wrapped his arm under the pillow as another memory grabbed him.

"Will you stop squirming? You're making a right fuss y'know" Sam complained as he dabbed at the cut just above Gene's eyebrow.

"I'm not fussing - it bloody hurts" Gene shot back, grimacing. Sam stepped back to admire his handiwork.

"There. Should stop the bleeding. Now Gene, I know that City lost today but that is no excuse to start a fight with a pub full of reds" he smirked as Gene glared at him and walked into the kitchen to pour them both a drink. The pub Gene and his opponents had trashed was closer to Sam's flat than to either the station or Gene's house, so Sam had hauled his bleeding and slightly drunk DCI up the narrow staircase and plonked him down on the chair to tend to his wounds.

"Oh, do piss off, Tyler" Gene grumbled as a tumbler half filled with Whisky was placed in front of him. Sam snorted his laughter and sat down opposite him. He watched as Gene took a swig of the alcohol and let out a long sigh. "What a bloody day" he closed his eyes, obviously exhausted.

"Stay?" Sam said then, without really thinking. Of course Gene wouldn't stay. He'd get off home to his wife, like he did every time he ended up here eventually, no matter how much Sam wanted him to stay. Gene opened his eyes after a second and looked at Sam, for all appearances completely sober at that moment.

"Stay" he nodded quietly, taking Sam completely by surprise.

They'd finished their drinks and undressed in silence. When he got into bed, Sam turned on his side to make more room for the larger man beside him. Then Gene had turned and wrapped his arm over Sam's stomach, pulling him closer. Resting his chin on Sam's shoulder, Gene had fallen asleep quickly after pressing a gentle kiss to his temple and slept better that night then he had in a long time.

Gene was staring at the skirting board blinking away more tears that had fallen from his eyes when he noticed it. The shorter board beneath the window wasn't nailed to the wall like the rest of them and was simply resting at an angle. Just poking out from behind the board was a piece of paper that had obviously been placed there purposely, tucked as it was so that just enough of the paper was showing for inquisitive eyes to find it. Gene rubbed at his eyes to test he wasn't seeing things, before he rolled off the bed and crept towards the window, where he knelt down to pull the piece of paper free. It was folded in half and Gene sat back down on the bed to open it after turning on the light. Scrawled on one side was writing Gene had become familiar with. It was Sam's messy hand, and Gene felt his heart tighten in his chest. Maybe this was a clue, maybe this was a reason. He took a breath and started reading.

Hopefully, Gene, you will be the one to find this and not someone else. If you're not DCI Hunt reading this, sod off you nosy git and do me a favour - make sure he gets this. It's important and probably wont make any sense to you anyway.

Gene snorted and his eyes drifted to the next paragraph.

I'm writing this, because I'd hate to think that something should happen to me but there be no explanation or reason for you to be able to deal with.

A shiver ran through Gene's body as he read that. It was almost as if he knew.

This 'thing' has been getting stronger over the past couple of weeks, Gene and I'd be devastated if I'm forced to leave you without letting you know that. So I'm telling you now. It is so real for me, whatever 'real' is. Never doubt that.

He smiled at that part. Their 'thing' as Sam subtly referred to it as, it had been real for him, too. The smile faded as he kept reading.

I can feel it coming Gene. I don't want it to happen now but I can't stop it. Just know that I will try hard to fight it when it does come but I can't guarantee I'll win. I've been telling you the truth even though you've not believed me. I have tried to explain it, but sometimes it just doesn't make sense to me either.

If you see me around Hyde, looking like I shouldn't, then I need you to do something for me. I need you to remember how it was when it was right. Most of all, I want you to understand why if I can't react the way I'd normally want to. I know it's asking a lot of you, but I hope that you'll be able to. You've never failed me before.

Something in Gene's heart shattered and he knew instinctively that it would never fully heal.

Please don't hate me, Gene, because I'll never be able to hate you back.

Forever your deputy,

DI Sam Tyler, 1973

Gene didn't bother wiping at his eyes this time. There'd be no point - the tears were falling too fast for him to do anything about now. He just sat on Sam's bed sobbing hard, howling sobs that wracked his entire body. He knew what the letter meant. Sam had tried so many times over the past six months to tell Gene the truth about 'Hyde' but he'd always dismissed it as drunken nonsense produced by an over active imagination. Even when Gene had found Sam's list of 'things from 2006' that he had given to Annie on his very first day, he'd fought down the rising bile in his throat and tried to ignore it. Even when he'd get a prickle at the back of his neck when Sam was doing some fancy tactical policing that he'd never even imagined existed, he's just passed it off as damn near genius intelligence and sheer good luck. Even when Sam told him something with this look on his face that was utterly, completely honest and truthful, Gene still resolutely refused to believe it. And that was because it was just too, damn painful to think of it as real. That would open up the possibility that one day, he would arrive for work and Sam would have woken up from his coma in 2006 and would have left his life forever.

"But I need you here, Sam" Gene said to him then, nearly too quiet for Sam to hear. "I need you here with me too much for you to go anywhere else". Sam had looked at Gene, taken in the sincerity in his eyes, leant forward and kissed him as though the end of the world was coming in the morning.

Gene looked at the letter again, his insides burning with pain and rage at the universe for being so bloody cruel to him. He read one section again.

His eyes lingered on the last sentence.

"Damn it, Sam" he sobbed. "You had better bloody remember me because I'm never going to forget you".

DCI Gene Hunt stared at the letter for a long time, before lifting it to his lips, where he let them linger against the paper before he carefully folded it back in half, and then half again. He took his wallet from his pocket and placed the cherished note inside. It would remain there for another 30 years, the paper becoming thinner and more tattered, but the words remaining firmly imprinted in Gene's memory and never waning in meaning.

The End