I'm so sorry guys, I know that it's been ages since I've written anything at all, but life has been this huge roller coaster for the past few months, and then I moved, so everything was a mess. Things are slowly slowing down and going back to normal. Anyway, hope that you'll like this story. Probably just three chaps.

All mistakes made are mine. Just so you know...

Mac's apartment
Georgetown, VA
2143 hours local

"...right?" The last part of Harm's question is exactly that, a question.

So far, the evening has been great. Really great. We've had a working dinner and since we were done prepping for the case earlier than expected, we decided on a movie. The movie ended and we started to talk about everything and nothing. Which leaves me with Harm's question.

I fidget with my fingers and don't really dare to look up to him. "I don't know, Harm. Things are really complicated right now."

Harm nods. "I know that, Mac. It's hard not to see it." He reaches for my hand and I let him take it. "You've been keeping me at arms length for a while now. Any reason in praticular as to why you're doing that?"

Not lifting my eyes to his, I exhale. I've been trying to set him free. He deserves someone who can give him everything he deserves, and not me. He's such a great guy; he's patient, understanding, considerate, and I'm this unworthy, lowlife, this nobody. He deserves someone special.

"Mac?" He tilts my head and makes me look at him. "I'm not going anywhere. I'd like an answer, though."

I really don't want him to go all knight-in-shining-armor on me. I can't take it. "You don't have to worry about me, Harm. I'm fine." Pulling my hand free, I look the other way.

"No, Mac, you're not. If you'd been fine you wouldn't have said that things are complicated now. What aren't you telling me?" He takes my hand back into his and rubs the back of my hand.

"What makes you think that I'm not telling you something?" Why does he have to be so great? Seriously, what have I ever done to deserve this?

A soft squeeze in my hand is his only answer. "Please, Mac," he pleads, "don't shut me out."

Lifting my eyes I burst into tears when I look at him.

"Oh, honey." He wraps his arms around me and pull sme into his chest. Presses soft kisses on my head. "You shouldn't have dealt with this by yourself, baby, whatever it was. I'm right here."

I bury myself even further in his strong arms. And curse myself for doing it at the same time. Why amd I always so weak when I'm around him? It's the easiest thing to do, I suppose. Lose myself in the thing I want most. Him. I sniff and sit up. "I'm sorry," I apologize.

Harm cups my face with both hands and shakes his head. "Don't. You don't have to apologize, Mac. There's no need."

Why am I always so ready to believe him? "I'm still sorry," I sniff. "I usually don't break down like that."

He shrugs as if it's no big deal. "I want to know what's bothering you," he whispers.

I break our eyecontact the second he finishes that line. "I'can't, Harm."

When I steal a quick glance at him, he looks like a lost puppy. I can read the disappointment in his eyes. When I look away again, Harm softly squeezes my hand. "Please, Mac."

And something in his eyes makes me start to talk. I tell him about what the doctor said about my slim chance of ever getting pregnant, about him deserving someone who really makes him happy, who can give him everything he deserves. That he doesn't have to say that he cares about me because he pities me. I don't want his pity.

Harm looks at me in confustion. "Have I ever given you the idea that I pity you, Mac?"

"You just have to. Poor Mac, always reaching out for someone because she can't deal with things herself..."

"Is that what you think? Is that what you really think? That we all pity you because you reach out in hard times? When you can't do it on your own?"

I pull my hand away, and rise from the couch. Wrap my arms around myself in self protection. "Don't you? It's okay, Harm, I know you do." I have to believe that. Because if I start to believe that someone is capable of really loving me, than I'll be the one who gets hurt, eventually.

Harm takes a deep breath. "Do you want to know what I think, Mac?"

I nod. "What do you think, Harm?" Here comes...

He rises and comes close to me. Leans into my ear. "I think you're the stronger one for admitting that you can't always do everything on your own. For admitting that you need someone."

He's kidding me, right? He just has to be kidding me. "I'm not so strong, Harm. There's no way that I'll ever be the stronger one."

Another deep breath. "Why won't you believe me?" he asks. "Why can't you believe someone who says something positive about you?"

"Because it's usually not true." I start to shake. "Because the chance that someone actually means it, is so small..." The tears start to fall from my eyes. Again. And Harm wraps his arms around me. Again. Comforts me.

There's no way that anyone will ever mean it when they say something positive about me. And that is really what I'm so afraid of...

That I'm simply not worthy of love.

TBC