I always wondered how you could just disappear. One moment you were standing beside me, our hands intertwined, and the next you vanished. It went too fast. I thought I'd be able to hear you take your last breath, turn your eyes towards me, squeeze my hand, anything. But you did nothing. There were no last gasp, no heartbroken-goodbye smile, no pain, just a flicker of green light and, you were gone. I still wake up at night, dreaming of you. That night being repeated in my head, over and over, every single night until I simply can't take it anymore, I want to forget you, but I can't. I cannot, not remember you. Still, the memories of your sweet touches are all I have left, even though the realization always tears me apart when the flashback ends. The pain's worth it, just so I can hear the sound of your voice again.
I went to your grave today. It's an addiction of mine. Funny, you always said I couldn't get enough of you and now, even when you're dead I can't stay away. I guess you were right. You usually were, even though I never admitted it to you while you were still here. There were allot I didn't get to say to you, things I wished you'd known. I regret not telling you everything, keeping you in the dark with how I felt. You were always making certain that I knew that you loved me, as if you knew that if you didn't you would never get the chance. Kissing the back of my neck and nuzzling into my hair when you thought I was asleep, stroking my back when we lay intertwined, embracing me in public, grabbing my hand when I was upset. But above all things, whispering "I love you." in my ear. Every, Single. Day. I always kissed you when you said that, never replying to the words because I wouldn't accept that you were giving in to death, you were supposed to live. To say the words were like admitting that you were going to die and I wouldn't let that happen, you were not the one to die in this war. But you did, and you never knew how much you mattered to me. I only had the courage to say it while you were asleep or in another room, where no one else but me could hear it. I had to say it, just to convince myself that it was all real. You were mine and I was yours. I still am, always will be.
I still can't drink peppermint-tea, or even see the box, without bursting into tears. It reminds me of you and you're crazy manias.
"I have to have a cup of peppermint-tea before I go to sleep, it's just the way I work!"
You were so crossed with me for not understanding your love towards peppermint-tea. You hated all other peppermint-products, said they tasted like mistletoes, god only knows why, you only drank the tea. Two spoons of sugar, no milk. I still remember that. I have it every night, two cups. One for me and one for you, so you can sleep.
The mornings are often the worst. Waking up from the dreams, expecting you to lie next to me and comfort me back to sleep with your warmth, only to remember that I'll never feel your arms around me again. That always breaks me down, no matter how much I struggle. The first months were unbearable, they had to put me in St. Mungos so I wouldn't hurt myself. I had the bad habit of throwing things, shatter glass. Finding new use of it. It was so easy, to stroke the edge across my wrist, the silky feeling of blood running down my arm smudging the memories, covering the real pain. Sometimes I thought of going through with it, ending it. But your voice was in the back of my mind, stopping me. I couldn't do it, not after what you did. It would be disgracing you, making your death be for nothing. But I continued to do it, pushing it to the utter limit. Someone found me one morning and they took me in. They gave me calming drafts and Dreamless Sleep, but nothing could push you out of my head. Not even magic. I don't do it anymore, how tempting it may be.
You died because of me. You weren't supposed to die in this war. I was. Do you hear that you stupid, heroic, fucking git!? YOU WERE NOT SUPPOESED TO DIE! I hate you for leaving me! I hate you for making me stay! I hate you for not letting me come after you! I hate you for saving me! IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU! I hate you... you fucking liar. You promised you'd be okay, that you wouldn't do anything stupid... You fucking promised! Why did you do it? Why did you save me? I was the one to die, not you. I knew my faith, I accepted it. Why didn't you stay in the castle like I told you? Why didn't you listen? WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HAVE TO GO!?
I miss you so much, Draco. I miss you so much...